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submitted 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) by Roflmasterbigpimp@lemmy.world to c/depression_now@lemmy.world

Everything I do seems to be complete useless, stupid and just agonizingly boring. I usually really like my work. Learning Programming languages, solving Problems, and enjoying the small rush when something finally works like you intended. But now? Everything sucks. I know that it's just a down-phase, but this does not help me at all. And I fucking hate myself so much that I can't just be like "Yeah it's a bad day, but I still manage to get my shit done." Why can't I be "normal"?

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submitted 2 weeks ago by kuku@lemy.lol to c/depression_now@lemmy.world

Honestly I could wal. Djdbsk. Znz zkksn d kcjwnksndjd xnxijsksnd c j😨🥵🥺👊band x xks xm x xkxnd d. Djdjf

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submitted 3 weeks ago by kuku@lemy.lol to c/depression_now@lemmy.world

It's not feeling worth anything constantly trying to stay away from my thoughts while feeling so sad depressed I want to say all these things to someone and hope someone will care but my sadness is all mine to carry I know it I know feeling better is temporary it'll fade off the moment I remember who I am I don't want any expectations neither from myself nor from anything or anyone why isn't the insect digging tiniest holes in the ground feeling bad about itself why is it just moving around without suffering this kind of meaninglessness why am I feeling it so bad but I still chose to stay alive I know killing myself is never a choice just cause I feel this isn't good enough to give it all up I hope someday I just become like that insect unworried just waking up getting lost in some task until it's time to fall asleep with no miseries and die sometime uncertain.

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support network (lonestarlemmy.mooo.com)

we have created a signal support group to connect a supportive network of people struggling with cptsd, neurodivergence, bpd and other forms of trauma. please feel free to vent, trauma dump and be together during tough times 🩷

https://signal.group/#CjQKIDyYlgFaxeDUSqLmJBwWiVzGgbtBC0exF3kew0J4A-3LEhA9q2epnMPa-nL_gmAqa2Xo

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i hope that in the next life I am not like this. I just wish I could go back and redo everything without being severely mentally ill. I spend every day in the dark lamenting and wishing I could just go back in time. I think about ending it so often. I just want a chance to redo and be normal so badly. the craziest part is that physically, everything in my life is fine. I have a roof over my head and food to eat. but my brain just focuses on the negatives so much. it makes me feel even worse, I just wish so bad I could redo my life without feeling like this.

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I should stop this. (discuss.tchncs.de)

The reduced amount of sun is probably not helping.

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submitted 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) by pixeltree@lemmy.blahaj.zone to c/depression_now@lemmy.world

I'm so tired. Why bother struggling to find insurance that lets me continue with my therapist. Why bother finding insurance at all. Why bother look for a job. Why put so much effort into a life I'm so tired of living? I know things won't improve. That they can't improve, really. Sometimes it might feel like things are better, but circumstances haven't changed, it's just the drugs making it not feel like it matters. I've given up on all these things that other people take for granted, and yet it still hurts to think about how I'll never get there. I'm so tired of it, and I don't see any way it ever changes. I just don't want to continue on. Why do people have to care about me? If they didn't, then I could just leave and not hurt them. Why isn't acceptable for me to just say "actually, nah, life isn't for me, see you never" and fucking die?

I'm pretty sure suicide's inevitable. At some point, I'm just not going to care enough about the guilt and go through with it, it's more just a matter of when that'll be. Makes me sad my online friends won't know for sure, but they'll probably guess after a few weeks of being offline. At least I don't have to worry about leaving work on short notice.

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Back to Square 1 (lemmy.world)
submitted 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) by alyth@lemmy.world to c/depression_now@lemmy.world

Removed, I'm sorry

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I'm not worth it (lemmy.world)
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Full Circle (lemmy.world)

Change up your routine. Find new hobbies. Meet new people. Learn new things. 2-6 weeks later, I feel once again that this is a complete waste of energy. Nothing I've ever done in my life has ever amounted to anything. I always return to this point. Just one more cycle, right? Just one more, haha? Just keep trying, right? This is all totally going to get better, right?

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Spoiler: I'm out 500€ and don't feel any better by any stretch of the imagination. The therapist in question has since blocked me, after I asked her for a reference for a colleague and she refused to give me one, and I accused her of only being in it for the money.

It's also pretty sad that with everything we already have to suffer, people exploit our explicit weaknesses hand over fist and society rewards them for it.

I suppose the majority of us plebs simply exist for the pleasures of our owner class, and seeing us squirm in agony just trying to stay alive day by day is amusing to some, and a source of income/riches for others.

I wish I had the intelligence, balls and black heart of one of these people. Compassion and integrity get you nowhere, ever, except a fast track to poverty.

At this point I don't mind if climate disasters or war do me, or anyone else, in. The sooner the better. I'm too much of a coward to do it myself anyway.

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I see how that question might sound funny, but googleing, trying to find out what i feel i found this exert about a broken spirit:

"To "break someone's spirit" is to destroy their self-esteem, to take away their joy in life, their belief and joy in who they are"

And this got me thinking, because i dont belive i have such a thing. not meaning to sound edgy i am generally curious what your experiences are. I started depression quite early in life, and just thought thats normal life untill many years later (my parents dont belive in mental health. i am almost 30 now btw). i wonder if i might have missed some personal development. Normally i struggle enough to only life day by day. if i plan, i never plan further ahead than a week. and i never cared to define myself as a person. i would struggle to write a short description about me, that isnt just a listing of facts like, where i live, what i do, ect.

I also am suffering unde extreme anxieties, and belive to have some trauma thats not yet processed, if thats important to my experience here.

How do you experience self? is that a concept that can give you like joy and faith?

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ive been through a lot in life, but by most metrics ive made it out and have a relatively good life. but for some reason, its like this cloud always seems to follow me... and now it really feels like its engulfing me. i feel like im becoming so detached from reality. my friends don't care enough / dont wan't to listen when i need someone to talk to (and i can hardly blame them, who would want to hear the ramblings of some depressed person). i just feel so horrible all the time, thinking about how meaningless this existence can be, feeling like i shouldn't even bother going on, and i hate these thoughts so much. sorry for how unstructured this is or how unorganised my thoughts are, i just can't bear to hold it in any longer, i feel like im going to snap if i keep bottling it up.

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I don't

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submitted 2 months ago by edg@lemmy.world to c/depression_now@lemmy.world

We all have those moments where we think back on something we did and cringe at it. Over the past year though I've begun to do it almost every waking moment.

I began to say to myself in my head "fuuuuuck fuck fuck fuck" and "I want to die" and eventually I started to mutter it under my breath. Now I'm starting to just blurt it out without thinking at inappropriate moments. It's probably only a matter of time before that gets me in trouble. I know my wife has heard me before and now she doesn't ask what's wrong, she just looks at me.

It's gotten to the point too where it doesn't start with the memory of an action but while I'm still performing the action or in a conversation.

I don't really want to die, probably. But this shit is weird. Am I going crazy? I'm worried that soon I will be paralyzed and unable to act or interact at all. Maybe I'm already there, who knows.

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When I can't find another and run out of savings in a few months, that's when Ill kill myself.

Honestly did a bit of a trial run last night, fastened a bag over my head and snuggled my stuffed animals on the couch to see what it would be like. It's definitely something I can go through with if/when it comes to it. Taking other steps to make life less unbearable first, hence the title. I don't really see my life ending any other way though tbh, just more of a question of when. If I'm lucky, it'll be when the climate change induced famine prices me out of being able to eat and I chose not to starve. Anyways, sorry for making you read this. Fuck.

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Thoughts?

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submitted 2 months ago by 211@sopuli.xyz to c/depression_now@lemmy.world
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I've been looking for a job now for over a year and I just wish someone could honestly look me in the face and just tell me "No, I'd rather see you die".

I've filled out well over 2000 job applications now. I'm overqualified for anything immediate but never considered for anything in my field (SQA). This is the third career of mine thats been totally out sourced and I'm just so fucking tired of it all.

Finally had a promising lead but it was just another 0 feedback interview to tally up their interviewed candidates to make the minimum "effort" to shoe in someones friend. Nobody even read my resume and the interview was 10 minutes long. I hate that I know all of these tactics at this point and I especially hate being a pawn in that game.

I wish someone would honestly and truthfully just tell me they would rather see me die than help me find the means to support myself. Every "well keep you on file" is a goodbye.

I'm so fucking tired. Every opinion and suggestion is such bullshit: "do something else" without ever defining what else means, "work on your resume" while looking at your 28th revision, "Something will come" which never happens, or my favorite one "why don't you work on getting your degree or certification [with your non existent money]?"

Nobody I've worked with and none of my friends have referred me anywhere in this year+, just strangers on LinkedIn with kind ears ultimately bound to the same systems that want me to die.

The only thing keeping me here is cooking for my family and being there for my wife but when everyone goes to school and work I truly understand why Garfield hates Mondays.

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I have struggled with depression and anxiety all of my life. I've had the feeling that things were going to end with crushing dissapoinment and tears. I have been able to get past that and stumble through life because there has always been some goal to reach toward. Finishing high school, college, moving out of parents, finding a significant other, getting a good job, etc.

There was always an underlying assumption that once x happens my real life will begin, and I will rise above my hang-ups. If I'm being honest that has been true sometimes, but in many important ways it hasn't happened. I am still full of anxiety, self-doubt, self-loathing, laziness, immaturity, shyness, an inability to focus or pay attention to details, and more. I can't keep up, time moves too fast.

I've made it far enough in life that I do have an ok job but with every year it becomes clear that I am not respected and my work and opinions are not valued. I have a partner who in many ways improved my life. But after 5 years I think she is holding me back as a person. She is an alcoholic and has many problems of her own. I spend more time worrying about her and making sure she doesn't get upset than I do focusing on improving myself.

Now I'm about to turn 40 and the realization that this is it is speeding at me like a train. This really is who I am. I'm probably never going to be able to change. I really am not a particularly good person, in every possible way. I am a dissapoinment and failure to myself and everyone who knows me more than a few minutes.

I'm not suicidal but I think about it every day. What will probably happen is the strain will get so bad that I'll either have a stroke or snap and leave my job and partner and become homeless or something. I can barely face my family and friends because I am so ashamed. I just don't know what will prevent some inevitable terrible end for me. Every day I struggle to complete tasks and interact with others under the crushing knowledge that I am a failure and a fuck up.

Anyways. Back to work.

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For real (lemmy.world)
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I used to play games, but now I only think about the time I'm wasting. I used to like food, but now I only think about how many calories are in it. I'd rather watch a TV show I've seen a million times than watch anything new. I read about a book a month but the minutes before I pick up the page feel like procrastinating a shower when the hot water is busted. I did a lot of exercise this week but now I'm left wondering if it was really worth the oxygen.

It.. didn't used to be like this. I'd be happy just going to school, playing games until way too late, talking to my online friends and doing the same thing the next day. Maybe it's because back then I had graduation in mind as a long term objective. But now, the only certainty left for me is the inevitable fate of every living creature. I'm lonely. At school you're forced to meet the same 30-100 people every day, but I've never been worth going out of anyone's way. I have almost no social contacts that charge my battery rather than deplete it.

I feel like I should keep trying new things. But honestly, all that's good in my life was given to me by chance (or a deity if you believe in one). Every time I have actively tried to better things it either changed nothing or made things worse. I'm so tired.

Has anyone "been there" and turned the ship around?

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depression_now!

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A sad place for sad people to be sad.

Have fun!

This community is for people with depression. Memes and general discussion about depression are encouraged and welcome.

Bi-polar people are also allowed to post here but only sometimes.(joke)

This community is aimed at being inclusive for all people with depression and as such should be free of racism, homophobia, trans-phobia, sexism, patriarch and all other forms of hate-speech.

Trolls will be banned!

Thnx

Some resources posted from helpful people:

Therapy is not for everyone, check out peer counseling instead: https://www.americanmentalwellness.org/intervention/peer-support/

Find health professionals: https://www.psychologytoday.com

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