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this post was submitted on 07 Jul 2023
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Asklemmy
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I was raised in a religious house. I went to church every Sunday until I was about 20. I played guitar for the church. Everyone else always talked about "feeling" the holy spirit, especially when I specifically played the music for the church.
I tried so, so hard, but never once in my life did I feel a damn thing. I prayed and prayed and prayed, but nothing. I was good friends with the pastor, and he would give me tips on listening for what God was telling me, but I never heard anything.
And eventually I gave up.
That's what it's like if you are honest with yourself. I had the same youth (except I played trumpet in the church band). They try so so hard to convince you it's happening. I think some people want it so badly, they make themselves believe all sorts of things. When you want it, but don't want it to just be you telling yourself it's happening. It just doesn't. I of course only speak for myself and my experiences but I watched it happen so many times, and wanted it so badly when I was young. Not to mention the people who I connected up with again years later that seemed like they had all those experience tell me it was all just going through the motions, faking it until you make it. I actually had a pastor tell me that one time. He knew I was struggling to have a genuine super natural experience.
I find it fascinating that you were able to help others feel a spiritual connection through your music all the while it was eluding you. Thank you for sharing.
I am truly grateful that church wasn't my first experience with live music. Music is powerful, and the churches around me tried to co-opt that by convincing you that the experience you just had was Jesus when it was actually just live music and group energy.
That’s how I felt growing up in the church until about last year. You can’t feel the holy spirit unless you give up all of the sin in your life to Jesus.
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.” 1 John 1:9-10
People can be born in the church, but Jesus said you must be born again. Only then will the Holy Spirit live inside you.