Yeah, it feels like it's impossible to make it in this world right now. However, sacrificing that piece of yourself for an easier life makes for a more depressing life. The one of the things that keeps me from using fent again and just sleeping through everything is because gender euphoria is a far more friendly dragon to chase than drugs. When I feel like a pretty girl, I don't feel the need to be high all the time. Working towards that is the only resolve.'

I don't mean to get overly presumptuous here, but I've seen many of your posts and have walked in many of the same paths. If you truly believe that you are trans in your heart of hearts, living an image that isn't congruent with that is dissociation of the self that leads to people like us needing a little something else to keep existing. Then eventually that something else takes over and ruins the few good things that we've managed to keep in our lives.

I don't know what exactly has happened, but I'm worried for you. If you need to go into hiding for safety, I'm not judging that, I don't want to make you feel like you're doing anything wrong if you're just doing what you have to do to be safe. However, I think you should really consider the mental health impact of giving up any hope on transitioning. This isn't just giving up on transitioning from what I've seen in your posts, giving up this hope sounds like you're giving up all hope for your own life. We'd really miss you if you just stopped posting one day. We'd miss you if you gave up your entire self to the selfish and narrow minded whims of others. Like I said, if it's a safety thing, I sincerely apologize and hope you're able to stay safe. But unless this is just a reality you absolutely have to accept or die, the more you think about never transitioning, the more you bottle up your feelings of gender dysphoria, the less stable you'll be.