WittyProfileName2

One bleak and rainy morning I was testing my time travel hypothesis. I'd been attempting to cryogenically freeze myself in the frozen chips section of my local Lidl. Unfortunately the science hating Philistines that worked there kept pulling me out. Ultimately they settled to toss me from the shop entirely.

While I was sitting on carpark tarmac, a strange man approached me. His pale skin told me he got his vitamin D from a bottle and his eyes were heavy with the weight of countless sleepless nights, a fellow delver into the mysteries of this world. Wordlessly, he handed me an envelope before fleeing with an alarming turn of speed.

Inside the envelope was the thumbnail image of this post and two words, "solve this". Challenge accepted!

So what we're looking at is apparently called a Fresno Nightcrawler, and to me it looks like someone's trousers have gone walkabout on their own.

Clearly this can't be the case, trousers lack any kind of muscle to do this. Some outside force must be conveying them. Something the camera can't see.

So I packed all my jeans, and took a hot air balloon over to the sight of the alleged sighting - Fresno, California, USA.

It was there that I set into motion my scheme to capture footage of the creature. Not with the camera, but with pen and paper. I'm no artist myself, so I sought the talents of a particularly gifted one to sketch what he saw as he hid in a bush.

And so the night came. My trousers were hung up. Dave the artist crouched in the undergrowth. I left to get snacks and when I returned both Dave and my trousers were gone, but his notepad remained and what it depicted shocked me.

It was vampires all along.

Not just that, but they'd stolen my favourite shorts. Also probably killed Dave.

I am writing this now as I prepare to locate their lair and end their cruel theft once and for all.

My friends, be careful what you spy within the dead of night, it may also spy you.

I'm not informed enough about any of these countries to have a stance on them (other than good on them for kicking out imperialists) but this all reads like, .

It has been a fair while since I last graced this comm with my throbbing, pulsating intellect and for that I will apologise. Last time, I dug too deep too fast and suffice to say powerful men had some very pointed questions (and implements) for me. Nevertheless, I have dragged myself free of their clutches only to find my genius is once more needed. Specifically I recieved a letter this morning that read:

Dear [REDACTED],

If you are so smart, how come you don't know how aliens built the pyramids?

Loser!

Sincerely, That Bloke on the TV With the Funny Hair

How did the aliens build the pyramids, eh?

I think I can solve this.

I am not an architect, nor am I capable of lifting a single brick higher than about stomach height, so I sought out people who work in the relevant fields; bricklayers, construction workers, Minecraft letsplayers. Worldly men with much expertise.

I asked them the same question, "How would you build a pyramid?" to which I got many variations on the same response, "please go away, I'm trying to have my lunch break here." although most were somewhat more colourful in how they stated it.

Defeated, I returned to my lair, where it hit me. The trap I'd primed in case the men in black came back, but also a realisation of how the pyramids were built.

This is a complex process, so I have attached some diagrams to illustrate my points, please be aware these are infact artists impressions and not real photos of the pyramids.

OK, ready.

They started from the bottom and worked their way up (see image below).

How do I know this? Simple.

If they'd started at the bottom and worked their way down, the pyramids would either look like this:

Or this:

Now, I initially assumed I had seen pictures of that last one, but experts in the field suggest that this was the byproduct of the strange illusion known as the pyramid being further away in the photo.

If they started at either end and worked their way to the middle, they look like this:

Therefore they must have started from the bottom.

"Oh great one, couldn't they also've started from the middle and worked their way out?" you, a fool, ask. To that I ask, "How did they keep it in the air long enough to slide the bottom in smarty pants? huh, huh."

I rest my case.

Good luck my friends, and goodbye for now.

I will not join The Many.

Due to recent website unrest, I am occupying this comm. This is now the ~~Badposting~~ Beanis Occupied Zone of Operation, or BOZO. You are all BOZOs from here on out.

Lost Atlantis, for some reason a lotta people got a thing about this one. Despite lotsa historians agreeing that it wasn't a real place, it never existed, and Plato made it up as a fictional place to use in his allegories.

Still, what do those fuckers know, I watched some big hair guy make gestures on the History channel and he said Atlantis was sunk by aliens. So clearly there's no clear academic consensus. So once again, the burden rests upon my broad shoulders to find the real, incontestable truth.

Atlantis was real, it did flood, I know how it happened.

"How do you know Atlantis was real?" Ok, so the allegory that Plato used Atlantis in (critias) makes mention of Atlantis invading Athens. Think in your head a little, if Plato was willing to whole cloth invent one place, why didn't he invent another? Am I to assume Plato, inventor of the plate, couldn't make up another fake country name? No, as Athens is real, so Atlantis must also be.

Now onto how it was claimed by the ocean.

The Black Book of Carmarthen is the oldest book written in the Welsh language, it's kinda a mixed assortment of different topics, triads written about horses and holdings of ancient heroes, regional variations on Arthurian legend intermingled with stories about the war against the Norman invaders, and local tales. This book is important for our investigation because it also features an island sink between the waves and more importantly, it mentions how it happened. It explains that the land of Maes Gwyddno was swallowed by the waves when the woman whose job was to check the well took some time off and thus wasn't around to stop all the water leaving the well and flooding the land.

Here's what I believe happened to Atlantis, some fucker forgot they left the tap on, and then went on holidays.

"But, taps weren't invented back then." You splutter foolishly, believing you have poked a hole in my brilliant theory. Fool, the Atlantians were either time travelers, or centuries ahead of the rest of the world technologically.

Look again at the city Atlantis waged war with, Athens. Now I was a bit foggy on the location of Athens, so I googled it an lo and behold...

Now back in ancient Greece, the only way you could sail a boat was by having a cloud shaped like a woman's face blow on the sail, hence the Greek saying, "Thar she blows." No magic cloud woman has the sheer tidal volume to blow a person all the way from ancient Greece where Plato recorded his account of the invasion, all the way to Texas. Surely she'd grow out of breath before ever hitting the Americas.

I rest my case.

Friends, be careful next time you run a bath, or your entire country may need to run for its life. Good bye and good luck.

In 1995, the Ministry of Agriculture descended upon Bodmin. They set up camera traps, scoured the marshland for footprints, interviewed locals. Since 1978 there had been reported sightings of some sort of black big cat stalking around this rural community. If it was out there, they were determined to find it.

They didn't.

Now conventional wisdom on the matter is that if there even was a Beast of Bodmin, it was an escaped animal from an illegal private collection. There was a lot of that going about in the 1970's as the government clamped down on the illegal trade of big cats.

But I have put my brain into action, and I've figured out what's really at play here.

Now the most commonly held belief is that the Beast of Bodmin is an escaped puma, sightings typically estimate it to be ~5ft long which is on the lower end of the scale for an adult, female puma. One problem with that though, pumas live, like, 15 years, it's been 46 and people are still allegedly catching glimpses of it. Now there are a couple possibilities immediately available here.

1. Continued sightings are because people go off into Bodmin Moor at night convinced there's a big cat about and then jump to the conclusion that any thing they catch a fleeting glimpse of, any noise they don't recognise must be the beast.

2. There's not just one, but an entire breeding population of pumas out there that the ministry of agriculture conveniently missed during their search of the moor.

3. There's some sort of super puma on the prowl with the astounding ability to live over three times the typical lifespan of its species.

4. That ain't no puma.

Of all those possibilities I think the most likely is 4).

Hear me out.

The most common description of the Beast is that of the silhouette of a large cat with white eyes. Now I had a grandmother who had terrible trouble with birds, you see her next door neighbour would leave loaves of bread out her back garden for the birds and it attracted all sortsa birds and also rats. Now what she did to stop crows pecking the sequins off her clothes or whatever was set out these little cat silhouette things that'd scare off birds (see below).

Dontcha think that looks awfully similar to the alleged picture of the Beast I used as the thumbnail.

"So someone is leaving cat cutouts in the moor for some incomprehensible reason?" Fool, think for a second with your damned fool brain. Sightings of the Beast predate the use of the cat things, but its similarities point towards one thing - mimicry. Now some types of butterfly have eye shaped patterns on their wings to trick predators into thinking they're the face of a much larger creature.

What predators, then, would be scared away through the presence of a cat? Birds. I put it to you that this "Beast" of Bodmin is no more than the sail appendage of some sort of worm, designed to scare away its natural predators.

(Artist's interpretation)

"Now what kinda bird would eat a worm of at least 5ft length?" You say, once again asking a foolish question. Simple, does not the early bird get the worm? Wouldn't then, the earliest bird get the biggest worm? I propose that it was preyed upon by dinosaurs themselves. Why then, with its natural predators deceased has it not flourished and over populated? Easy, the soil outside Bodmin Moor cannot sustain it. Perhaps it is insufficiently moist.

Let's be clear, we do not know what these worms think, we do not know what they eat, and we certainly do not know what they're planning.

Friends, be careful if you wander the moors at night, your doom may not come from the bushes or trees but the earth on which you walk.

Good luck and god help you.

The dastardly (((cultural Marxists))) were behind this all along it seems.

This entire thread is wild, as liberals desperately seek someone else to blame for Trump's victory.

Glad I'm not an American, this shit's too funny.

Tbh this whole post is a goldmine of cis lemmitors discussing how overly sensitive they think trans people are around pronouns.

Little green men, greys, spacemen, the reptilians that sneak inside at night to piss your bed. Whatever you call them, for a long time now people have been captivated with tales of travelers from other worlds. Reports of extraterrestrial life exists varying from the unconvincing to the slightly less unconvincing.

With such questions of otherworldly beings plaguing the minds of people for so long, it seems it the mantle has fallen to me once more to smart brain my way through this and solve aliens once and for all.

To this end I have read through a staggering two reported alien sightings, and from my studies have drawn a shocking conclusion. Hang close to me friends, we're in for a wild ride.

Case 1 - The Flatwoods Monster

In 1952 in the town of Flatwoods, West Virginia, USA, Earth, three boys said they saw some object streak down from the sky and crash into a field of a local farm. They told their mother, who accompanied them out this field alongside a member of the West Virginian National Guard. As the group crested a hill, they became aware of movement and a pulsing red light. Turning their torches into the woods they saw something that shocked them to their core.

A creature with a hood-like face, bright yellow eyes, and tiny, taloned hands. Now the obvious answer here is that they saw an owl perching on a tree (see below) and in their panicked minds filled in the blanks for them. Either way, they didn't hang around long enough to find out.

"Oh wise one," you cry, "Even one as intelligent as you cannot solve such a vast mystery on the back of one mere event."

You are correct, which is why ~~skimmed wikipedia~~ read exhaustively about a second sighting.

Case 2 - The Hopkinsville Goblin

In 1955, five adults from a farm just outside Hopkinsville, Kentucky, USA, Earth, arrived at a police station requesting help. They claimed they had spent almost four hours fending off a number of yellow eyed, 2ft tall, horned creatures that had been peaking through the windows of their farmhouse. Seventeen police officers arrived at the scene of the battle, but found only evidence of the gunshots the terrified farmers had let off.

The great horned owl, is about 2ft tall, and has head plumage that resembles a pair of horns. They are found all over the Americas, and can get pretty aggressive if disturbed.

"It was owls all along?" you, a fool, ask.

You are blind to something much more sinister afoot.

Owls are not being mistaken for extraterrestrials. Owls are extraterrestrials.

What better way to scout Earth and pry for our weaknesses than to take loftily to the sky and observe from above. Is not a bird's eye view essential for getting the lay of the land.

You worry that I am stretching too far, you worry that I am missing the obvious truth here. You doubt me.

Well I broke into the secretive Area 52 and I have found incontestable proof that I am right, and you are stinky.

I rest my case.

The question now, is what must be done. For all I know, there may be owls amongst us. The invasion may well have already begun. Perhaps by making you aware of this I have placed you all in danger.

Watch your back my friends, but also the sky.

Ok losers, just in case you don't know about The Mary Celeste was here's some background:

In October the 20th 1872, a boat named The Mary Celeste set sail from New York to Genoa. The next time anyone would see it, it was adrift and crewless. No sign of a struggle, food still half eaten on plates, and the only lifeboat gone.

Lesser minds have spent centuries trying to figure out what happened, and debate amongst themselves incessantly. But I woke up this morning and decided to have a whack at it and I think I've solved it.

Now, like me, your first conclusion may be that the boat got sick of the crew's shit and told the crew to leave, but those ivory tower intellectuals insist that boats can't speak and I must begrudgingly defer to their judgement.

Now, I have never set foot on a boat but since I've read Treasure Island (well, most of it (some of it (a couple of small excerpts))) I think I have a pretty clear idea of what went on in boats of this era and thus can finally solve the mystery.

Ok, so in the before times, when youths weren't skibbying toilets on their tockticks, the key role of a child was to hide in an apple barrel so they could observe Long John Silver planning a mutiny.

My theory is this: the captain and crew were below decks, eating their dinner and waxing nostalgic about their life on the high seas. One of them (I don't know which one) brings up hiding in an apple barrel sending the rest of them cascading backwards down memory road. "I bet I could still fit in an apple barrel!" One yells. "Could not!" Yells another. Before you know it, everyone is up on deck trying to fit inside barrels (smaller ones than they're used to since the sole cargo was a 1,700 barrels of alcohol). Unfortunately since they all squeezed into their respective barrels at the same time (to see who could do it quicker) they all got trapped within the barrels.

It's at that point a particularly strong gust of wind caused the boat to list starboard causing them to all fall into the lifeboat, which unable to support the weight of an entire crew plus barrels, snapped from its moorings and plunged into the ocean below.

I believe this is the mostly likely course of events and both smugly and patiently await my Nobel Prize in big brain having.

"Liberal elections are like my hecking Star Wars."

(Ironically, they're right 'cos Jedi were centrist tools ideologically unable to tackle any systemic inequality in the Republic's liberal hegemony.)

Edit: don't know how to link specific YouTube comments, but it was in the comments of this video.