Anyone know what I mean? Either I mask into being much quieter and "mysterious" which does help me avoid eye contact, but I just feel like I'm being cool on purpose which is really goofy and undermines my confidence. Otherwise, I think the other personality I fall into is really, like, boring I guess? I basically roleplay as what I imagine a redditor who isn't bigotted is. Politics definitely plays a role there, obviously, if I feel the need to make a statement about a subject that is prone to set other people off I tend to hide my power level and say things in a very boring and "academic" way. But both of those definitely are pretty far from how I naturally am, and it feels like I'm being a little deceptive to my acquaintances who I don't know well enough to be myself with.

Also I don't mean this in a plural sense, I just mean that these are 2 ways that I contort my personality slightly to hide autism a little bit.

I wish I could figure it what's wrong with me. Am I rapid-cycling bipolar? Is it ADHD? Is it autism? I'll go days, maybe even a week or more feeling like I have barely any energy at all, it'll be hard to do much more than a quick chore or two. Fatigued, unmotivated, energy drinks don't really work. And then all if a sudden boom, awake at 7am, energy drinks kick my ass. Yesterday I was doing chores/projects from 11am to 1am. Couldn't fall asleep til around 3am, and now I'm up naturally at 8am, with energy to go. Towards the end of the night I got hyperfixated on making pretty excel spreadsheet templates so that might be why I was up so late. I'm also spending hundreds of dollars on things all at once which I normally never do... But they are all practical and I'm tired of not having things that make my life nicer/easier.

I was way more scattered than usual yesterday, bouncing around like a pinball, but my baseline is pretty forgetful/ scattered, it was just on overdrive yesterday. I wish I could harness this energy all the time for things like work, socializing, or hobbies so that I could make them a normal part of my life. I've even been able to/WANT to play video games! I can never get myself to do that even, which is relatively low effort so I feel like thats a decent marker of a shift in baseline. This nay be hypomania, but I'm not getting the confidence/inflated sense of self esteem which I need so badly.

What fucking gives?

PS here are some examples from my mood tracker of where I'm normally at, first graph from 2023 (i stopped tracking for a long time)and third is from this month(the green lines to the right are just the past couple of days that I'm talking about:

I got an Instagram account when i got out of rehab because I wanted a way for people to get ahold of me when they haven't seen me for a while. I like reconnecting with people but I can't do it (sober; I used try to do it while I was drinking and usually acted inappropriately or just ghosted them really quick lol)

So when I was exploring the app for the first time I watched a random video on the topic of ADHD and the algorithm decided to show me pretty much only videos on the topic of ADHD. I'm really new at realizing I have ADHD and contextualizing my struggles in life through that lens, and I gotta say, I REALLY like having an app that just feeds me videos for and by people who have ADHD. I guess it even satisfies some urge to scroll but in a way that I'm learning and seeing people like me, so it doesn't feel like a waste of time.

Is this a good idea? Are there better apps or resources for this kind of thing? Should I try not to feel shame about using a meta product and embarrassed about engaging with such a "basic" app? Does anyone else have any ways they do something similar?

Love ya

I figure what better way than to make one up of like-minded people who see the world similarly. Maybe meet like once a month or something. The more I venture out into the world, the more it seems like I am speaking a completely different language than everyone else

I envision it being very structured so that everyone has a turn to speak and maybe others offer suggestions (if they have them) for what has worked for them. Maybe schedule block out kinda like an office hours of sorts so there is a known time when we meet and people can come and go as they please.

Last thing: Not sure if this a me thing, but the whole idea of this sounds very uncomfortable to me but perhaps that’s why my life has remained stuck in the same place- doing whatever possible to make sure I’m always comfortable. This might be a mistake

Let me know your thoughts and if there is any interest whatsoever, feel free to DM me and I’d love some help putting this together

I just finished 3 very expensive psychologist evaluations yesterday (it cost me as much as my rent split even after insurance) and it turns out my childhood diagnosis was correct: I've got a big ol case of Autism!

No more imposter syndrome baby! It's cheered me up quite a bit. I might even get to WFH full time if my workplace accommodations are approved. But uh... you remember what else happened in the last couple of days?

MMMMMMMMMMMMM Yeah, I can't remember either.

ANYWAYS, hope I don't look sus as fuck at work this week by being a lil upbeat while the country rapidly deteriorates in real time.

Chat, can I get a "certified pogchamp" in the comments pls?

Just wanted to share a bit of a bright point from last week, especially since I know The Workplace is a gauntlet of horrors designed to punish a lot of us neurodivergent people.

I've always got really great feedback on my communication skills. It's one part writing-as-a-hobby, one part devops drive for operational efficiency, and three parts AuDHD. In particular I'm really good at communicating technical topics in ways that engineers are receptive to and that non-technical people can understand. Since my entire workplace is remote, efficient and comprehensible written communication is really important.

About a month ago I got looped into an initiative to add explicit guidelines about how to communicate effectively while remote. I was just asked to give feedback on how the guidelines sounded — and I realized that they were all modeled after how I specifically communicate. I even asked my boss about it and she confirmed that it was "heavily inspired" by my communication style. The best parts: I didn't really have to do much work for this initiative, and I've been openly AuDHD at work for a year at this point, so they're quite aware.

They literally just want everyone to make their communication more autistic, and they're documenting that explicitly.

Unironic DEI win

This could basically be a checklist to determine "is this person not autistic"?

When are we going to reckon with the fact that job interviews are designed to keep the neurodiverse out?

This rly sucks, I think I'm withdrawing :(

Pharmacy is out until (possibly, they only give vague answers) well into next week, doctor's office is closed for weekend so I can't get them to transfer it, am just fucked until maybeee Monday if they ever respond to my voicemail. It took them a while to respond to me wanting to refill it at all, I guess I should've done it earlier

Is not as bad as cold turkeying antidepressants but I'm just a mess today (2nd day) :( Been in bed all day, feel badd

And somehow I feel guilty, like I don't need this stuff to be functional, have these feelings bothering me especially when I'm trying to access my medication cuz I think it would ruin my month if the pharmacists told me I'm just a drug addict like I have heard happen to so many other ppl

Has been incredible life change since I got these meds a few months. I hope getting back on isn't too roughh

Idk i guess im just making this to whine, i may delete

I've told myself and others that I don't get bored easily. I can daydream through some experiences or I'll distract myself with games, books, etc.

But I'm finding out that I've always had my hands full with an activity, doing more than one at once. Like playing animal crossing with a movie playing, and eating lunch. Of course, I end up missing conversations in whatever media I'm consuming.

It's like I'm so good at distracting myself that I need something to catch my focus. If it's boring or predictable, I don't have to pay attention. I've had friends point out that I do things the hard way a lot.

I don't want this feeling to be boredom because that feels like a moral failing. It's thinking of people I care about and not being able to muster up enough compassion to give them my undivided attention. I can't sit through a phone call and I wish I could.

I hate that it comes off as me being an edgelord sometimes. But it's just me not reacting strongly.

Writing this, I realize how much of this is an attention disorder or something dissociative. I've carried these confused feelings about how I perceive myself and I'm only now starting to dismantle the shame.

And I'm probably going to look into helping my focus.

She went to the psych and got checked all because I asked her to and told her it would mean a lot to me if she did! Now she's considering meds even though she's kind of a herbal supplement crystal woowoo type person.

Now we just gotta get my grandmother to the brainmechanic.

I recently figured out I have ADHD. I also recently discovered that having a daily routine makes me feel a lot better. I learned this in a structured environment (rehab) and once I left that, I still know what I need to do and I know it will make me feel better and more productive, but I don't know how to do it...

I have lists (yes I have to include stuff like eating breakfast and brushing my teeth lol) but I dunno how to have them in a way that I can see and implement them. I have them on my phone, in my journal, post it notes around, etc. The only way that sort of works so far is to have an alarm on my phone titled with a long list of things to do, and just hit the snooze every ten minutes for hours, so I'm constantly being pestered. This annoys people around me, lol, and isn't all that effective anyway.

I'm looking forward to maybe medication but in the meantime I fucking KNOW that I will feel better if I can do these things. Any advice on how to trick myself to do them?

Putting this in neurodiverse because i am neurodiverse and i'm working with an autistic population.

Most of what I've been doing so far is Natural Environment Training, which is cool, but every time a kid gets super upset i almost always freeze for a bit before doing anything else. For little kids like toddlers, crying will just happen, its whatever

But for like, the 5 year olds, it's so distressing seeing them distressed, how the fuck do parents do this what tje fuck

No need to read this drivel unless you’re curious lol

God I don’t know even where to begin. This is such a complicated arena to navigate without sounding like a hypocrite l, but I guess I’ll try. Not sure if it’s safe to say at this at this point or I am deep in an echo chamber, but it seems like most of the “town square” elements have flocked online. It really does seem utterly dystopian to me that even our ability to broadcast ourselves from our little rectangles into a blackbox is carefully monitored.

But Godamn I know of a lot of people who do their own version of “broadcasting into the void” be it posting on whatever social media site, venting to their therapist, uber driver, bartender, hairdresser, it’s all the same- valid discussion sure but not changing anything.

Not saying you can individually attack system problems, but it seems like we’re stuck in a never ending cycle of self-fulfilling prophecies (this might be where the neurodivergence kicks in because I am extremely results driven and structure oriented ) yet that seems impossible to find. I guess the rub is (and not sure if people know this) that making a dent of change would result in doing something to make yourself uncomfortable

Point I was trying to make (to who? Idk): Americans complain and complain about systemic injustices (me included) but are never willing to do anything about these injustices because doing so would be sacrificing their comfort

What has y'all experience with fidget or stim toys been? I'm getting assessed for ADHD, and it's likely i have autism, too. Today, during one of the ADHD assessments I mentioned to the psychologist applying the test that I pick the skin around my fingernails constantly, and she recommended getting one.

Do they help, in your experience? Anything to look for in one?

Working remote made me forget this but hanging around NTs I find one of them will absolutely be unable to suppress making a shitty comment to me usually about my face or something "oh gorb you should smile, whats the matter you look upset" I'M LITERALLY JUST EXISTING FUCK OFF.

Today was annoying because I was just behaving the same way i always behave and this turd burgler decides to exclaim to the room that they never see me act like this amd that i should do it more.... I'm literally just doing what I do every day the same way I do it and have done it for the last 10 years like what?

Can't people just like leave me alone and stop trying to police my every action and facial expression because it isn't exactly what they want. And why me? Why not pick on some other nobhead do i just emenate "pick on me" aura or something?

Anyone into philosophy/ethics/theology?

I’ve only studied technical fields, but I love trying (and typically failing) to engage with philosophical material. One of my old roommates studied philosophy, and we’d stay up late discussing it so I’d get tangential exposure and a good dialogue on ideas (I credit them with helping me “discover” actual theory). Anyway, they’ve been dead for a while now and while every day I wish it weren’t the case, so is my only connection to engaging with philosophical topics.

Anyway - I wanted to pick up more background info of ethical philosophy, and have been wading into Kant (like literally getting started with reviewing overview pages like this: https://iep.utm.edu/kantview ) and the page author’s summary stood out to me:

Kant’s ethics are organized around the notion of a “categorical imperative,” which is a universal ethical principle stating that one should always respect the humanity in others, and that one should only act in accordance with rules that could hold for everyone. Kant argued that the moral law is a truth of reason, and hence that all rational creatures are bound by the same moral law. Thus in answer to the question, “What should I do?” Kant replies that we should act rationally, in accordance with a universal moral law.

Kant also argued that his ethical theory requires belief in free will, God, and the immortality of the soul. Although we cannot have knowledge of these things, reflection on the moral law leads to a justified belief in them, which amounts to a kind rational faith. Thus in answer to the question, “What may I hope?” Kant replies that we may hope that our souls are immortal and that there really is a God who designed the world in accordance with principles of justice.

Maybe I’ll have my own understanding when I engage with Kant’s actual writing, but I find the mentioned notion of a “categorical imperative” interesting. I guess when I’ve heard disagreements framed as “philosophical differences”, I never took it literally (ironically), but it seems like differences in worldview stem from a disregard of the

universal ethical principle stating that one should always respect the humanity in others, and that one should only act in accordance with rules that could hold for everyone.

and it makes sense then that common ground cannot be found when opposing viewpoints are rooted in incompatible principles. (Assuming that all parties have principles of sorts).

Idk where I’m going with any of this post, but I don’t have anyone to engage in my philosophical dumbassery with, so you’re all the lucky recipients.

Also can one hop around between authors? Or is there a benefit to interacting with older material? I was interested in reading some Kierkegaard, but thought I should go through Kant and Hegel first… but should one go further back to idk… Plato?

Got the dreaded backorder text for concerta 27 two weeks ago. No change. Talked to my prescriber who called in Ritalin 30 LA today. It's backordered also.

Six tabs left and it's time to start the pharmacy phone tag game. Win and you get meds before you run out. Lose and you're out of meds, losing the executive function required to find your meds 😎🤙

It's been two years now how is this still a thing

How do you deal with mornings? I’ve long struggled with morning emotional dysregulation. Most days I try and get out of the house as quickly as possible (if I have to) so I don’t get caught in a spiral of disdain. As long as I can remember I’ve had an extremely low tolerance for social interaction, and even more in the morning.

I thought getting a stimulant would help (I’ve been prescribed for less than a year, so still very green on the topic) but idk if it actually does. I’ve stopped taking them for the past few weeks since I haven’t hoisted up my bootstraps enough to jump through the hoops to have the doctor resend the prescription (THAT THEY HAVE TO DO EVERY FUCKING TIME). Plus what’s the point idk if the efficacy is even there.

I thought I could trick my brain by bribing it with dopamine for getting out of bed with substances.

Idk per previous therapists I’ve tried all of the cbt, mindfulness, etc. and I feel like I have a good handle on those. The issue is that when I’m “in touch with my emotions, body, etc.” it’s resolutely pissed at the state of things. I’m obviously very happy and grateful for the life I have in the imperial core (/s) on top of the mountain of corpses of comrades and those I’d be with if I were a less “useful” ND or had a darker complexion.

Maybe this is just another vent post. But I’d love to hear if any of you have good ways of making it through the day.

Vent - After spending yesterday in a depressive episode from burnout I’ve decided that I’m too old to be anything but aggressively ND. Literally every day is systemic violence against ND folks to force us into their boxes- so fuck it. Maybe this is the year I’ll file an EEO complaint for forcing me to be in the office. I’m sick of it all. Or maybe it’s just working in the climate/water field and internalizing how fucked we are- or how little anyone cares. Idk. I usually rely heavily on dissociation as a coping strategy for making it through days of inane bullshit while the world burns, but am giving sobriety a try (5 days and I hate it!). Any way- I hope your years are off to a good start, and hope you all find peace and happiness :)

My stepdad is a great and nice guy, and I've suspected for a while that he might be autistic. He's very quiet and reserved, rarely shows strong emotion. Chuckles rather than laughter. He's also fixated on certain things and hobbies, and can talk/ramble about them for quite a long time. He likes puzzles and, what have been given to him, legos. Putting together and taking apart things.

Like I said, no hard evidence, but I could see it.

im not sure where else to post this. it's a bit of a vent, but I'm not gonna take too long

I've been on mastodon for 7-8 years now. mastodon has been pretty cool because unlike other social media, it allowed me to form closer ties to the people there. but this also made me realize how hurtful I can be to people who care about me

making a long story short: mastodon gave me a sense of security about expressing myself, so I went all out. just said whatever came to mind, responded to people honestly, etc. most of the time I always try not to insult anyone, especially when replying to people I care about. one friend made me realize I was being too combative for no reason sometimes and then I decided to take things easier

still, that didn't prevent me from hurting people I care about, which led me to be blocked by people I interacted a lot and who I considered to be friends a few times. one of those times, I was soft-blocked and saw the guy subtoot about me, so I knew what it was about and had the chance to reach out and apologize. he accepted my apologies, but said I sometimes come across as needlessly aggressive, which, according to him, contradicts what people who know me personally say about me. the other times I wasn't so lucky, so I just got blocked and have no idea why

all this reminds me of my childhood, when people constantly told me I'm annoying and that I should be quiet, which probably rendered me into a very quiet and shy teenager. I remember taking the piss out of people and enjoying it, so maybe people are right

not sure what to think of it. in the flesh world, people around me say I'm one of the nicest people they know, that I'm very caring and kind. some people say that about me on mastodon too, but I wonder if it's all just a mask and the true me is the annoying kid I suppressed early in my life.

I specifically try to keep the language neutral too. I know other ND users dont post because they're afraid of being accused of sealioning or catching a temp ban. I don't know where else to post this but I needed to vent and I'm sick of it.

Edit: thank you carcosa. Appreciated.

About ten years ago following a consultation with a doctor, I got diagnosed as having "treatment resistant depression." I gather this is maybe not the most broadly accepted terminology out there, but having tried out a few SSRIs and an SNRI (and multiple therapists) to absolutely no results or worse, I've come to respect it as the only diagnosis that makes any sense to me, and accurately describes the situation.

Anyway, I'm still here and still not on any kind of meds. I get a lot of exercise and have a physically active job that keeps me off the computer/phone for long stretches of time, get lots of sleep (always been great at sleeping), try to eat decently, cut back on drinking, do wholesome activities with others, see friends when I can, etc. I'm sure I would be doing a lot worse if I wasn't doing all those things, but I'm always looking for ways to make life more bearable.

So I guess I'm wondering: chronic depression havers of hexbear whomst are not on meds for whatever reason, what are your strategies for gettin' by? (Or if you are on meds but don't find them sufficient as a sole strategy I guess.) Much love to you all and here's to getting through a lot more years.

Treatment Options for ADHD-Related Sleep Problems

If the patient spends hours a night with thoughts bouncing and his body tossing, this is probably a manifestation of ADHD. The best treatment is a dose of stimulant-class medication 45 minutes before bedtime. This course of action, however, is a hard sell to patients who suffer from difficulty sleeping. Consequently, once they have determined their optimal dose of medication, I ask them to take a nap an hour after they have taken the second dose.

Generally, they find that the medication’s “paradoxical effect” of calming restlessness is sufficient to allow them to fall asleep. Most adults are so sleep-deprived that a nap is usually successful. Once people see for themselves, in a “no-risk” situation, that the medications can help them shut off their brains and bodies and fall asleep, they are more willing to try medications at bedtime. About two-thirds of my adult patients take a full dose of their ADHD medication every night to fall asleep.

Source

Good luck convincing my doctor of this. 🙁

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