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The reason I wear pride gear every day
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this post was submitted on 28 Jun 2023
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I've had something I've been curious about, and I'm hoping an appropriate place to ask about.I'm a straight cis guy that grew up in a very conservative Christian house, and I've come a long way from who I was 10yrs ago. I'd consider myself an ally even though I don't have any LGBTQ friends or acquaintances (not by choice, I just don't get out much). I'd like a way to signal that I am a safe person, but am afraid of insulting people if I accidentally give the wrong vibe. I also dont want anything too overt to avoided the ire of my family. Im a big bald white guy with a beard, and I'm told I have resting angry face. I've noticed LGBTQ presenting folks that seem to get uncomfortable around me.
Is there a way I can signal that I'm a safe person without being too overt or sending the wrong message?
Yeah dude! It can help to watch queer things - maybe try Unhhhh, Ru Paul, or Queer Eye? Just to sort of...help you feel familiar with what you're seeing and hearing. Being aware of queer ideas and spaces and vocab is probably the #1 thing here.
Otherwise, if something like rainbow pins and stickers are too overt, and ditto earrings or nail polish, you could consider just sort of...looking fashionable. Hair and skin, nice shoes, well fitted clothes, color and flair, all of that (at least to me) signifies "I didn't vote for trump and I know what a French tuck is." Obviously not a failsafe metric, but it can help.
It doesn't take a lot to show you're safe, most of the time. Another good option is, if the chance comes up w/o busting into other people's spaces, put yourself out there a little or offer a complement or a supportive remark.
Okay last thing. To really be safe, and be an ally, you may need to confront members of your family who pose a threat/risk to queer people in public. Telling off your homophobic aunt is a GOOD way to show who you are.
Fashion is something I've never been good with (now thanks to google I know what a french tuck is), but I've tried to get out of my comfort zone wearing more form fitting clothes. As for making compliments, I never really know what to say to sound genuine. I make an effort to use pronouns that match how I think an individual is presenting, and using they/them when I'm not sure, but I'm nervous about invading other's space, or accidentally drawing too much attention. My daughters are getting old enough to want their nails painted, so maybe I can let them practice on me and just leave it on a finger or two when I'm out and about. I'm working on having the courage to confront my family when they're being bigots, but it's much easier said than done obviously. As my daughters get older, I'll have more courage to put my foot down, since I absolutely will not having my kids pick up my family's judgemental ways.
Child painted fingernails are the best. They tend to pick lots of colors!
The best way I've found to manage other people's pronouns is to use my own.
"Hi! I'm tanglisha. My pronouns are she/her."
Practice until it sounds natural. Include your pronouns everywhere that makes sense, I have them in my work email signature and zoom account. The other person will usually reciprocate if you're in person, even if they've never introduced themself that way before. A bonus is that it normalizes this as a way to present oneself. We shouldn't put all of the burden of managing pronouns on the minority who already have a hard time with them.
It's true that this might draw some attention, but the worst I've ever gotten was someone asking me why I refer to my partner as "my partner" when he's of opposite sex. YMMV based on where you are and the folks around you, I'm on the west coast but have coworkers all around the world.