Hey all, I hope this post is okay
I'm currently going through a very high anxiety moment and have been having panic attacks all weekend. I'm still in one.
I've got a doctor appointment scheduled for next week, but I need some encouragement and advice to calm things down right now.
I have avoidant anxiety. When I was a student and I started having panic attacks for the first time. I couldn't force myself out of the house and stopped showing up at work and got myself fired and failed out of my classes. It took me years to recover.
I found a therapist privately back then and did CBT and it helped make things manageable enough that for years things were okay. She's no longer working, and I specifically avoided drugs then but I think that was a mistake.
I've been working for over a decade and have been carefully managing my anxiety with only a couple incidents. I worked in small companies, then did independent contracting, but now I've been in corporate jobs since COVID.
The last couple years I've been really struggling with my anxiety. As soon as everyone started doing mass layoffs and tightening the belt I've been struggling hard. The last few months it's gotten exponentially wise, and it's beyond my ability to manage.
I can't focus anymore, sitting at my desk gives me a panic attack every day, then I fail to meet my deadlines, so I stay up all night pushing myself, which boosts my anxiety.
I feel like I'm on a treadmill running full speed, but I'm tired, I can't breath anymore, I have that feeling if I run anymore my legs will collapse. But I'm on a treadmill, if I fall I get wrangled and crushed, even though I know I can't keep running.
Man I just need someone to say they know how I feel, that I'm not alone, and to help me push the next week until my appointment.
Edit: thank you everyone, you all helped me through that moment and I'm feeling clearer right now. You said some things that were what I needed to hear, with concrete advice, and I can't express how much I appreciate that.
It's going to be a rough week and I have a lot to think about
Has anyone just exited their field due to anxiety?
I used to love what I did, but over the years the field really changed.
I have enough money to leave indefiniteky, that's my silver lining to all of this. I've been scared this day would come for a decade, so I've been saving for a long time. I haven't planned to leave the field for a long time though.
I'm terrified of school again as an option. I crashed so hard before, it was years to pick up the pieces.
I'm scared if I go back to school this same anxiety will chew me up and spit me out again. I'm scared I've forgotten all the things I used to know. I'm scared that I don't know what I should study.
My wife doesn't want me to quit until I have more answers. I've been honest with her on how I'm feeling. I told her I'd stick it out until my doctor's appointment.
She is supportive, I know she's trying to keep me from jumping ship if there's a better option.
The other option is I just don't go back to school. I work on hobby projects and sell them. I've done that successfully before and it paid for my school, but it was a lot easier then than now.
The one thing I can't do is take medical leave. My boss is the type who will never get passed it. Plus, I've asked for leave in the past for mental health and got told I was "unreliable" and needed to get over it. I can't do that to myself again.
I'm sorry dude, I know how this feels. No drastic decisions, panic is a monster. Do your best to white knuckle it until your doc appt, they might refer you to a medical psych. Listen to them! Take the meds, they will likely take a couple weeks to kick in, but the odds are high you are dealing with a problem that has progressed to a chemical imbalance.
You can't out think a chemical imbalance, you can't yoga it, work it out, even therapy is of limited usefulness. But once you address it, you will be amazed at how much of your life you weren't living because of the anxiety.
You have a level of love and support (financial and otherwise) that a lot of people would kill for. You may think you appreciate it now, but wait until you get some distance from the anxiety. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, the anxiety in your heart is taking up room. That's room that can be replaced by love and happiness!
It's so hard to see that from inside the fog of panic and anxiety. You are smart (look at the life you've accomplished despite the anxiety), you are capable, you seem to have a strong relationship.
All the energy you have to dedicate to making it through life now, you can get that time back! Keep working through it! You aren't alone personally, and you aren't alone in your struggle.
Thanks
I am definitely thankful for where I am, I know a lot of people don't have a supportive partner or savings to fall back on.
I agree, I'm trying to white knuckle it out until I get to the other side. I don't want to make big decisions from a place like this, and it's good my wife is pushing back.
Anxiety and depression run through the family, so I think you're right about it being chemical. I don't know why last time I didn't pursue meds, I think I was scared of them and admitting defeat in a way (from where I am now I don't see it as defeat anymore).
I hope you're right about the energy, even just finishing the day without feeling drained and exhausted would mean I have more time to keep the house in order, cook dinner, work on my hobbies.
It's so crazy, I'm telling you, your story could be my story, word for word. After I got medicated, my wife told me the drugs didn't change me (something I was fucking terrified of), the anxiety was changing me. The meds gave me the room and the energy to be me again.
I'm kinda glad to hear that, it gives me some more hope
There's another poster with a similar story here and I'm fairly surprised these experiences are this common.
I know this is easier said than done, but the sooner you can get past the worry of being seen as unreliable the better you'll be.
You're not an infinite resource that work can constantly pull from. And if you've set yourself up to be able to leave indefinitely, it's probably safe to guess you've been there for a minute and more than put in your time. You're plenty reliable but maybe work isn't providing all that it needs for you.
Putting yourself through school off the earnings of a hobby says you're resourceful. You've got a fear of change, but in reality you're better set up than most to deal with that.
"unreliable" is more a euphemism for don't give this person projects, promotions, or raises. Then your next performance review is empty and you get fired without a reference.
I've seen this happen like 4 times in the last year to people I know.
It's a lot like actors getting labeled as hard to work with.
I am better set up than most, that's really really helping me right now.