movies

I watched Noah’s Shark because the title was so ridiculous I had to check it out.

But of course, I don’t watch movies just because of their titles—I also checked out the trailer. From what I saw, I knew exactly what I was getting into: a no-budget horror movie about a supernatural shark guarding Noah’s Ark.

Now, if you know anything about the Noah’s Ark story, you’ll remember the Ark supposedly rests on Mount Ararat—a very high mountain. So how the hell does a shark end up there? Well, the film actually goes into deep detail on that.

It involves a witch, Noah’s supposed fourth son. The Bible says he had three, but apparently, this fourth son was such an irredeemable asshole that he knocked up a girl before the flood, then abandoned her and their unborn child to die. Somehow, she and the baby survived on a different mountain peak. Meanwhile, Noah’s fourth son died aboard the Ark, and now his descendants are doing everything they can to prevent the Ark from being discovered.

And where does the shark come in? Apparently, this supernatural shark made a deal with the fourth son: sharks would have dominion over all animals that hate humans. This somehow led to a shark swimming around a very shallow lake on Mount Ararat. Convoluted? Oh, absolutely.

Fast forward to the present day: a televangelist exorcist sets out to find Noah’s Ark, film his discovery, and reveal it to the world. That’s the bulk of Noah’s Shark’s plot.

Now, let’s talk about the budget—or rather, the complete lack of one. Whatever money was spent on this film seems to have gone entirely into green screens, dollar-store costumes, and terrible CGI. And when I say dollar-store costumes, I mean it. If you see Noah in this movie, that beard was absolutely bought at a dollar store.

At this point, you might be thinking, This sounds like a terrible, irredeemable movie. And no, I’m not going to tell you it’s top-shelf cinema. But here’s the thing—Mark Polonia, the director, knows exactly what he’s doing, and the laughs are intentional.

If you’re unfamiliar with Mark Polonia, he’s behind countless Z-grade horror films—films that once populated Blockbuster shelves and now live on Amazon Prime and Tubi. Along with his late brother John, he made Splatter Farm, Feeder, and The House That Screamed, among others. After John’s passing (RIP John Polonia), Mark kept making movies—Camp Blood First Slaughter, Sharkenstein, RIP Van Winkle—all in the same wonderfully awful vein.

If you love “bad” movies—and I put “bad” in quotes because I’m not convinced these movies are entirely bad—you might already be familiar with Polonia’s work. His films get trashed in reviews, but they’re hilarious. And it’s clear that both he and his actors are fully in on the joke.

For example, there’s a scene where a female character suddenly wants to have sex, only to trigger a death trap. Her partner, somehow still in the mood, tells her he has a safe word. Come on—that’s funny. Or the scene where an exorcist priest tries to cast a demon out of a plank of wood, only for it to possess an adorable little rodent—which he then immediately squashes, because who knows what evil a demon-possessed rodent could unleash? And don’t worry—no animals were harmed. The squashing is done with hilariously bad CGI.

The lead character, Father Benna, is played by Jeff Kirkendall, a Polonia regular. In fact, he’s also played Father Benna in Amityville in Space. Kirkendall has starred in 84 films—almost all directed by Mark Polonia. The rest of the cast is just as ridiculous, fully embracing the ham and cheese of it all.

Now, let’s talk ratings. On IMDb, Noah’s Shark sits at a 1.8/10. On Letterboxd, it actually fares better with a 2/5. Professional critics? Almost nonexistent. The few who have reviewed it tend to be from horror blogs—and they like it far more than IMDb does.

So why the discrepancy? I think IMDb users don’t get that this is a joke. They’re expecting a serious horror movie, see the low-budget effects, and dismiss it as garbage. But if this exact movie were written, directed, and starred in by Tim Heidecker, people would love it. This hits all the same absurd, low-budget high notes as Decker, and I know people laughed at that.

That said, Noah’s Shark isn’t without its flaws. The biggest issue? Polonia sometimes tries to get artsy—leaning into psychedelic effects, weird camera tricks, and general artsy-fartsy nonsense. I get what he’s going for, but it doesn’t work. It just wastes time. Sure, if you’re drunk or high, maybe it’s fun, but as someone who’s been stone sober for a long time, I just wanted to get back to the ham and cheese.

Would I recommend this? Not to everyone. If you lack a sense of humor about low-budget schlock, or if you’re actually looking for a straight-ahead horror film, this is not it. But if you love Mystery Science Theater 3000-style riffable movies, or just want some dumb fun, give it a shot.

Just remember—when you mock this movie (and it is mockable), the director is clearly in on the joke.

https://youtu.be/X01qoMaJ4oY

@movies@piefed.social