Earlier this week I went to see my therapist like I usually do and today I told her that I'd like to start HRT sooner rather than later, I know that people sometimes wait months if not years before starting but I'm not okay with waiting that long. Unfortunately she said that she wasn't sure it would be a good idea and that I should wait longer to be sure. I told her I wasn't waiting and that if she didn't write the note for me I'm going the DIY route, and she told me that that would be a very bad idea since she believes I would regret it due to my unwillingness to "fully girlmode" (which just means she thinks me wearing makeup and having long hair alone isn't enough) and the fact that I enjoy many manly things like bodybuilding. I for some reason mentioned that I could stop after I got the permanent changes I wanted and she responded that if I'm already considering detransitioning it's not a good idea. What the fuck? How the fuck is stopping HRT later detransitioning? That made me so pissed off that I told her to fuck off and I just left early.
I took the advice of someone and decided to go to planned parenthood and just like that I have officially begun my journey. Kinda wish I'd done this sooner, I could've been 3 months along by now if I hadn't tried to go through my therapist like a dumbass. Shame though, I did like her, she seemed nice for a long time but I don't think I can continue to see her anymore if she thinks after all I've told her that I'm in any way at risk of "de-transitioning".
Moral of the story kids, do DIY. It's better to ask for forgiveness than wait for permission. Also be really careful how you choose your therapists, they might seem to understand you but they can screw you over in the last second.
Some things I wish your therapist knew:
It sounds like your therapist might have outdated information about trans people and transitioning, for example expecting strong commitment and fully girlmoding before starting HRT sounds like old Benjamin rules to me. WPATH guidelines have changed significantly and no longer require "full-time real-life experience" before starting hormones.
All that said, your body like many bodies, probably will need sex hormones or you might experience some symptoms. Starting HRT and then just stopping is probably not a realistic way to approach this, but I do know some enbies who maintain low doses of estrogen to achieve their goals. Still, if you go that route you will want to watch out for signs of menopause and avoid hormone levels that are too low. Your experiences and desires might also shift once you start HRT, they certainly did for me.
This is a minor point, but going to Planned Parenthood and getting HRT is called "informed consent", not DIY. DIY is when you buy your hormones from a grey market without a prescription (or homebrew it yourself), which doctors see as more risky. At least your hormones through Planned Parenthood are sourced from a regulated pharmacy, for example.
Either way, congrats!!
I think it might have been partly because I said to her once that I wanted to try and reduce or prevent muscle loss on HRT and maybe she took that as me having second thoughts about getting HRT. Also she didn't specifically say that girlmoding or commitment was required for HRT but that she found my lack of it concerning. I shouldn't beat myself up too much for it though. She was trying to gatekeep me, I didn't mess up by telling her that.
I was thinking that I would take HRT long enough for permanent changes to set in since one thing that I do worry about is muscle loss on HRT. Then I'd stop taking it and the blockers, probably gradually and let my body's natural hormones take over again. I'm not sure how bad muscle loss on HRT is, I've heard some people say it's not that bad but I've heard others say enthusiastically that it'll "melt your muscles away like butter". If it's closer to the second I definitely plan to stop in the future.
Also yeah, I guess what I'm doing would be considered informed consent, not DIY. Im my defense I've heard many people call it DIY and I'm still very much a noob a this whole trans thing (only came out a few months ago and I learn new things everyday ๐ ).
Even so, your therapist should also know that doubts and hesitation are very common with trans people. The second group of psychologists I had to see to get an independent letter for vaginoplasty talked about how it's very common for trans people to even experience regret and doubts immediately after the surgery and how those tend to melt away after a few months, etc. It just really sounds like your therapist is not up to date with current clinical guidelines and not familiar with trans patients generally (this is unfortunately common with therapists and doctors, tbh).
And HRT doesn't melt your muscles away like butter, especially not if you're working out or remaining active. I'm over a year on HRT and my calves are still so muscular they make me want to puke, I would love to lose muscle mass, and it's just not happening. I think I have lost a little strength in my biceps, but I have also completely stopped a lot of the activity that maintained those muscles, in addition to the estrogen.
You know cis women are able to build significant muscle right? You can definitely build and maintain muscle while on estrogen, you might just find it requires some minor adjustments to diet and exercise - increasing protein and increasing weight or frequency to maintain the same bulk. It might just require more effort to achieve the same results that you found easy to achieve on testosterone.
Either way, I wouldn't be too worried about this - maintaining your muscles on estrogen is within your control. If that's your only hesitation starting HRT I think you will be fine, there's no reason to go with low doses and so on.
Also, so weird that you've heard of going to Planned Parenthood as DIY, that's wild, lol. It sorta makes sense to me because informed consent feels like you're deciding for yourself and it feels like eliminating the gatekeeper, but it's still very much under the supervision of a doctor and with safety-regulated hormones.