New dad of a 3wk old.
I always figured I'd have a kid(s) because...that's what you do right? My wife pushed me for years and wanted 5 kids. I always said we should start with 1, so here we are. I never truly wanted to have a kid for a whole list of reasons including climate change, growing instability, feeling like I already don't have time to do the things I want to do, not feeling like I have my shit together (on paper I do, but I don't feel like that), not understanding what it means to be "happy"...stuff like that.
During pregnancy, I took on essentially all household chores and made her hot breakfast before she left for work every morning at 5am. I never felt some primal compulsion to do all of this but she was struggling and I wanted to do what I could. I kept saying to myself that the paternal instinct would kick in at some point and banked on that.
When the kid was born and I held him for the first time, I felt nothing. Figured it would happen in time. 3 weeks in, I'm still on overdrive, doing essentially all chores, changing/feeding him through the night, and still feeling nothing besides growing resentment. I'm not a monster so I won't shake the kid or anything but I just feel no desire to do any of this. I always hated the sound of kids crying and wanted this kid to be different in that respect but I still hate it and my blood starts to boil the longer he cries (again, I'm not going to hurt this kid. I'm not a violent person).
The only pressure I feel to keep going is to not get arrested for neglect, and so my family/friends/colleagues dont think im a giant piece of shit. I feel no compulsion out of love for this child. I've had no "my whole world changed and I'd die for this kid" moment other than the fact that people would be real upset with me if I didn't die for him.
My wife has been struggling and I'm trying to get her to seek additional help (already sees therapist every 2 weeks) but she frequently spirals into a place where she feels like she can't do it or feels like a failure for not doing enough or direct breast feeding because he wouldn't stay awake while feeding (she's pumping like a champ. Our freezer has a gallon of milk already and im constantly playing up her wins). I keep doing what I can to calm her fears and anxieties which aren't specifically new but now have new context. I feel like if I break down at all, she won't be able to handle it and I have to constantly keep the mood/morale up because if I don't, everything will go to even deeper shit. She's the one who wanted 5 kids and I'm now the one holding it together for us. I feel like the TikTok/Instagram virus tricked her into thinking that motherhood was all beautiful flowers and spending quality time with her perfect baby but it's a lot of gross shit and hard work from recovery to breast feeding/pumping and diapers (although I'm changing 90% of the diapers). I was not nieve to any of this. I knew what it entailed.
Anyway, I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever feel any compulsion to keep going like I am aside from legal and societal pressure. I can figure it out if it will never happen, but it would make things a whole lot easier if it did. I really want to love this kid and being a dad but at this point it's a job and I hate my job even though I'm killing it in the effort game. Literally the only good thing so far is that my mom is over the moon about the kid and it's the first time I've seen her happy since my dad died 2 yrs ago.
First rule of parenthood: You have to want it.
You broke that rule. And yes, it sucks. But it's self inflicted.
The magic of holding your kid and feeling that connection either happens or it doesn't. Don't stress about it. It's normal regardless. It may be triggered by parenthood, but it's a personality trait.
You and your kid are practically strangers stuck with each other. You don't have to like each other, but you have to work together for the years to come. Over time, you'll grow comfortable with the other's presence and quirks. As the parent, you have the leading role, however over time that dynamic will slowly shift.
The point of this challenge you have so carelessly self-inflicted is to grow as a person through it. You don't have to know if you can complete the journey on your own, but whether you can accept your kid as a constant companion and strive to do so together.
You're the dad now. What did your dad do and what can you do better? Can you reach where he climbed or can you surpass him? And in doing so, will you understand him better as the person he was? Finally, what kind of person will you want your son to see in his heart should he ever attempt to make the same journey?
You've started to climb a mountain. It will be tough, there will be mistakes and nobody knows what you'll find along the way if anything, but as you've already noticed, all that waits behind you now is an unpleasant fall into an abyss you'll have to crawl out of eventually. And that will suck a lot more.
Good luck, pops! You're a role model now!
Not sure why you had to be so condescending. I'm asking for insight into feelings im not feeling that everyone told me i would have, not for someone to tell me I fucked up. I consulted like 30 people before we made the decision to move ahead with it and not a single person said I shouldn't go ahead with it. I'm literally doing everything possible aside from feeding him with my man tits from the basic needs to reading and singing to this kid.
First of all, I want to salute you for reaching out and seeking advice. You are doing the right thing and obviously you are doing your best to step up and be a good father. It also sounds like you have a lot on your plate and are tethering on the edge.
I do question the advice of your friends. You talked to THIRTY people and you were transparent that you didn't want children and they ALL said you should go ahead with it? I'm sorry. Children are not tamagochis or plants. If any friend ever came to me and so much as hesitated about wanting kids (not flat out indifference or opposition to the concept) I would tell them to pump the breaks. Children are a non-stop commitment.
I have seen WAY too many cases of child neglect and abuse that I'd rather people don't have children than subject them to the pain I've seen.
You're probably going above and beyond to do your best and applaud you. But I also get the sense that you have a lot on your plate between chores, supporting your partner, and raising a human being! Do you have a support network around you? Grandparents? Can you also seek counseling? I think this is really important. Also postpartum affects men too. It's real. It can be overwhelming. If you need someone to talk to dm me please. I'm serious.
Best.
100% will not neglect this kid. I'm just asking if the "natural" motivation will kick in.
Neglect can be intentional or unintentional. Even the most competent parents can and will experience exhaustion, burnout, or just general malaise at one point. There is a very famous article from a few years back about the most loving and well meaning parents who forgot their children in their car seats in summer heat.
To your question about making a connection: this will take time but it will happen. The issue is the first six months is such a whirlwind of tasks to keep this human alive that you hardly have a moment to breathe. It's like having two full time jobs and going to work. But eventually things start to settle down and routines are developed. And then you spend more time playing with them and the connection starts to build. I'm now playing chess with my eight year old and laughing to Calvin and Hobbes jokes together. It's a marathon, not a sprint.
Do look in to if your partner has postpartum. It's extremely common (including my wife) and is very serious.
As always, my inbox is open.
Cheers
There's a good chance you will start to feel different as they grow and you start recognizing yourself in various ways. My wife and I enjoy it a lot to find out whose quirks ended up in which kid. We have two, still young enough that it's mostly us in their lives. Probably the sweetest period.
I don't remember feeling significantly about my first one's birth, I guess it happened gradually along the way.