The Onion and other satire w/ layers

Like every parent, I want my kids to be safe. I know that for my young daughter and son to grow and thrive, they need to feel secure in their surroundings. But with the way people coddle their children these days, I fear we’re raising a generation that won’t be able to handle life’s basic challenges. So when my kids face tough situations, like getting shot at, I try not to shelter them too much. I realize if I take a bullet for them, they may never learn to take bullets themselves.

When my second-grader’s shoe comes untied, or my kindergartner’s coat needs zipping, I don’t immediately kneel down and do it for them. They’re old enough to manage these things on their own, and though they may get frustrated at times, it’s a necessary lesson in personal responsibility. Same deal when shots are fired. I could throw myself in front of them the moment someone starts shooting in their direction, but then I’m not exactly preparing them for life, am I?

Obviously, I wouldn’t be doing my kids any favors if I sent them out into the world not knowing how to sustain a gunshot wound to the chest. [...]