That was a fun read with some interesting facts I never knew... But I think you put some weird spins into it.

Like I don't think Americans are commiting 3 felonies a day, and I'd really be curious about the explanation of that.

And I dont think lying about your age is applicable to the CFAA without some wild lawyering to consider it impersonating someone else to gain unauthorized access to protected data.

But maybe I suck at understanding legal writing

https://www.justice.gov/jm/jm-9-48000-computer-fraud

Thus, embellishing an online dating profile contrary to the terms of service of the dating website; creating fictional accounts on hiring, housing, or rental websites; or using a pseudonym on a social networking site that prohibits them, might all violate a user’s contract with the owner of the protected computer, but the Department will not take the position that a mere contractual violation caused the user’s previous authorization to be automatically withdrawn and that the user was from that point onward acting in violation of the CFAA

I think this is a decent defense of CFAA not worrying about lying about age