This is something I'm only just recently coming to understand has been a lifelong source of interpersonal problems for me, and omfg it seems so fucking omnipresent.
Why does everyone get so mad when I ask why/how about something?!
I learned a few years ago that sometimes people feel judged by my questions (????!?!?), and so I've tried to super, ultra sugarcoat them. I've tried even harder since getting medicated for ADHD, because I have the mental space now to preface my carefully stated questions with assurances that I am only trying to understand, not indict.
It doesn't feel like it's getting me anywhere, and I'm starting to wonder if it's an unreasonable expectation? Is it silly to think that questioning motives or reasoning could ever be non-offensive? It doesn't bother me to explain my motives or reasoning - fuck, it's a fucking relief, please oh fuck let me explain - but I know I'm NotLikeOtherGirls™
This happens most when the person I'm asking has no good answer - it's like my asking "but why?" makes them realize there was no reasoning at all, which wasn't the smartest course, and then feel guilty about not thinking it through.
That is never what I expect to happen - I don't ask why if I think there's no reason. If I'm asking, it's not because I think you're stupid, it's because I think I'm stupid for not catching on. I respect you and your judgement, so if you're doing something that seems confusing to me, I assume there's a good reason that I just don't understand yet, and I really really want to understand!
I'm just hoping to get clued in. I genuinely keep thinking there is some reason for whatever confusing behavior or action. I am just asking so I can get on the same page.
The very act of asking is unfortunately not giving me any answers; it seems to be antagonizing instead. "I don't have a good reason and fuck you for making me admit it!" ???!?
Anybody relate?
What do?
My coworkers tend to be experienced with what we do, and whenever I ask them something so I can make sure I do it right the first time, they often just hit me with the Jim halpert stare before helping or loudly say they have no idea what I’m even asking for.
Part of the reason is because they expect people to try things out themselves or already know. But at this point I’m just going to use my intuition and deal with the fallout if there is any, otherwise each interaction will just make me assume things and ruminate and become resentful of everyone for likely no reason lol.
Fuck this awoke an old angry memory in me. I had a job where the fucking bosses/manager (was a small workplace where the owner ran everything) had this as basically official policy. They didn't show me where anything was, but they refused to answer questions about stuff like that because I had to "figure it out myself". I was once given a special project with no instructions, got dismissive instructions when I asked for details, then got told I did everything wrong weeks later
Fucking neurotypicals