Since my last post I got my HRT 4 days earlier than I expected. Based on my last post you probably might've expected me to hem and haw about it. Myself I was gonna wait until the middle of the week for my first dose, but I couldn't contain myself. I took my first dose as soon as I could, like literally. I felt great the next day, and that carried over every day since then. I feel like I'm finally running at the speed and intensity I was supposed to. I have no idea if it's placebo at this point, or if my body is finally coming into tune with my mind, but it's been a crazy experience!
Today I had my partner pat me on the butt and call me a princess, and for the first time I felt a little bit of jiggle. I was washed over with a sense of euphoria, it was amazing, and I feel incredibly lucky.
Before I started hormones, I started working on this excercise routine and it's been great. I never wanted to exercise before because the jocky muscle boys would only tell me how to be like them, or how to build it all up to Goliath proportions that made me recoil, but finally seeing a routine and body that I wanted to achieve really changed the game for me. I cut out almost all of my empty drink calories and it was EFFORTLESS, I want to clean myself, I want to shave down, I want to sculpt my body. I thought I was just lazy. I never realized it wasn't the effort that was the problem, it was the goal.
Who knew it would be almost impossible to motivate yourself to become something you never wanted or resonated with in the first place(?) because it seriously never occurred to me what my problem was!
I wish so bad for a childhood I didn't have to hide in, I wish someone would've been able to tell me, I wish I wouldn't have felt forced to run away at 16, I wish I wouldn't have had to hide from myself.
To get to the root of it, I wish I had been born a woman, so I didn't have to live in denial and self repression for almost 26 years of my adult life just to end up back here again facing problems that could've been non existent.
We do not get that luxury...
I spent so much of my adult life trying to reclaim a fucked childhood with nostalgia that I reached the end of that road and found myself still empty. There was still some inner child that never got it's catharsis. I dove into alcohol and drugs, and at the end of that road I had killed all my dopamine from cocaine and couldn't be happy with anything anymore.
I was literally a husk of a person at Disney World trying to feel alive by being the first person in line for the Guardians of the Galaxy roller coaster, the epitome of a burnt out consumer looking for any escape that could be granted to me from the loving corporate overlords.
I was still empty.
Well, I don't feel empty anymore.
I feel a lot of things, but an empty soul-less husk isn't one of them.
If you made it here, I love you, you are worth it, and it's all going to eventually be okay, even if okay isn't where you are right now, or where you see yourself any time soon.
It's not just a platitude, your heart is a muscle the size of your fist, keep on loving, keep on fighting, and hold on, just hold on for dear life!