“Look, officer, I’m telling you exactly what happened.
“We found this book—this weird book—in the back of a dusty old library. Nobody ever went back there. It was dark, cold, looked like it hadn’t been touched in years. I don’t know why. Maybe it just seemed dull. But we were curious, so we took a look.
“The book stood out because it was leather-bound—not like a Bible, though. More like something stitched together by hand. So we picked it up and started flipping through. The diagrams were ridiculous.
“Most of them were goats. And I mean weird goats. There was one where a goat was just farting like mad. Like, if this book was legit, why would you even need a farting goat? Another page had instructions on how to teach worms to fly. Well, not ‘teach’ exactly—the worm just kind of gained the ability to fly. How is that practical? No clue.
“And then there was a step-by-step guide on how to make trees grow boobs. That one, I guess, at least made a little sense. If you gave a maple tree some boobs, you could probably extract syrup easier. Like milking a cow, right? But still, it was just so bizarre. And honestly? It’d probably be easier to just—I don’t know—put a tap in the tree? Also, I don’t wanna be seen feeling up a tree just to get syrup. How would I ever live that down?
“Anyway, we laughed about it because the whole thing was so stupid. We checked the book out and kept flipping through, and then Mike—my buddy—gets this bright idea.
“‘Let’s see if this thing actually works.’
“Now, the whole book was in Latin. None of us understood Latin. If we were smarter, maybe we would’ve pulled out Google Translate or something. But we were excited. We just wanted to try it.
“So we head out to this meadow. It’s getting dark. I look over at Matt and go, ‘You wanna do the honors?’
“He shrugs and says, ‘Sure, why not?’
“He grabs the book, flips to a random page, and starts reading.
“The second he says the words, thunder cracks. Lightning flashes. And then—suddenly—the rocks from the ground shoot up and smash into Matt all at once.
“I don’t even know where these rocks came from. Some must’ve been buried deep in the dirt, but they just flew at him. It was like he was a magnet pulling in a storm of shrapnel.
“Blood flew. Flesh ripped. It was like cannonballs, like an explosion, like a stoning. The rocks just kept coming, bombarding him, until—”
*Deep breath.*
“Until Matt wasn’t breathing anymore.
“He just lay there. Eyes open. Staring up at the sky. The book still in his hands.
“And I’m telling you, officer—that’s exactly what happened. I swear, I’m not lying.”
Photo credit: artist unknown
