Company: MegaCorp Logistics (Totally Not a Scam, LLC)
Location: An Abandoned Warehouse Near You
Salary: $9.75/hour (because $10 would be too generous)
Job Type: Full-Time, Part-Time, Overtime, Double-Time, All-The-Time
Job Description:
Are you a superhuman capable of lifting 500 lbs with one hand while balancing a stack of fragile glassware on your head? Do you enjoy working 27-hour shifts with no breaks, no benefits, and no appreciation? Do you thrive in a toxic work environment where everything is "urgent" but nothing makes sense? Then congratulations, you're exactly who we're looking for!
As a Warehouse Worker at MegaCorp Logistics, you will be responsible for everything, and we mean everything—including tasks that have nothing to do with warehousing.
Responsibilities:
*Lift 1000+ lbs daily (yes, really) with no equipment, because forklifts are for the weak.
-Memorize a 27-page manual on company policies that change every two hours.
-Work under constant surveillance (we installed cameras in the bathroom too, just in case).
-Read the minds of managers who never communicate expectations but still blame you for everything.
-Deliver packages to customers using your own personal vehicle (we won’t reimburse gas).
-Survive in an unheated, uncooled warehouse where temperatures range from -30°F to 120°F.
-Volunteer to work unpaid overtime or be labeled "not a team player."
-Fill out 300 forms a day, most of which contradict each other.
-Train new employees who will quit after one day but somehow still be your responsibility.
-Avoid the attack pigeons that have made the warehouse their home (we consider them part of the security team).
-Bring your own toilet paper, because we ran out in 2016 and never restocked.
Requirements:
-Must be able to run a marathon while carrying a fridge on your back.
-A PhD in Rocket Science (not required, but we’ll pay you like you didn’t have one anyway).
-At least 15 years of warehouse experience (even if you’re only 20 years old).
-Must have eyes in the back of your head to avoid incoming forklift collisions.
-Willing to work 7 days a week, 25 hours a day (we invented an extra hour just for you).
-Ability to absorb blame for mistakes you didn’t make.
-Must be fluent in English, Spanish, Mandarin, French, Morse Code, and Dolphin Clicks.
-Strong work ethic but no expectations of being rewarded for it.
-Must provide your own uniform, safety gear, and emotional support system.
-CPR certification (for when your coworkers pass out from exhaustion).
-No unions, no complaints, no problem.
Benefits (LOL, Just Kidding!):
Exposure to free motivational posters in the breakroom.
One (1) pizza party per year (one slice per employee).
Endless unpaid experience that will "look great on your resume."
A strict "no fun" policy to ensure maximum efficiency.
A manager who disappears whenever work actually needs to be done.
Paychecks that may or may not clear depending on "company performance."
To Apply: Don't bother sending a resume; we won’t read it. Just show up and start working. If you survive the first week, you’re hired.