And for heaven's sake, start an investment retirement account now. Yeah, I know, "but I'm not making enough, but there's that shiny thing in the (online) store window, but I'm never going to get old." Just allot one take-out coffee's worth of spare change per week. You can up the ante later. Let the miracle of compound interest do its thing.
Welcome to for-profit healthcare in America. It's no longer about your health. It's about their profits. (But—muh freedomz!)
That you're posting here suggests you really don't want to take action. That's a good start.
I urge you to seek professional counseling to work on processing this horrible experience. It won't go away if you follow through with violent plans. While you may feel like it would release your from the "prison of your mind," I can assure you it will not. And you're more likely to find yourself if literal prison.
I was raped when I was 17. I've never said thst anywhere in print, and rarely speak about it in person. I'm 68 now. I recall the details vividly.
I'm saying it now to you so you know I am speaking from hard experience, not just blathering. Revenge will not release you. And: you will be shaped by the experience. You cannot change that. But far more importantly, you do not need to be defined by it.
I refuse to have my life defined by one stupid person's thoughtless, egregiously cruel act (or even several people, several acts). You are better than that, stronger than that. I refuse to give anyone that power. It's not about forgetting anything. It's about forging it through your own will into one event, among many, that make you who you are, and who you can be.
An occasional thought that flits by, dissipates quickly, likely not an issue. But by definition, "intrusive" means a thought that nags, disrupts, is unwelcome in frequency, intensity. It would be worth finding a therapist to get to the reason, the source—and to find better ways to defuse or address these thoughts. They aren't there "for no reason at all." With a clearer sense of the reason, you can seek better ways to address the root cause.
Can't do tech very well, but give me needle, thread, and I can mend! Nobody does that anymore, either.
It sounds like you may be feeling very self-conscious about interactions. It took me a long time to learn, but much of the time (I've come to realize), "they ain't studying on me." Like—other people aren't scrutinizing me or judging me as much as I think they are.
Plenty of people are so wrapped up up in their own heads that they aren't paying you any attention, perhaps not realizing how you are reading their responses to you.
Maybe it's just me getting older, but "when I am an old woman, I shall wear purple." If others think I'm dressed weird or acting oddly—what of it? I don't need (and can't have) everyone's approval. Sure—there are limits; I don't want to endanger myself or others, or provoke hostility. I don't want to be mean to anyone.
If you make overtures of friendship and kindness and are turned away, that says a lot more about others than it does about you.
There are a number of resources pinned on this community for those in need of extra help.
I'm so glad you took the time to update! It sounds like, although it was an unpleasant experience, you made good use of it by figuring out what was behind the feelings, what was motivating your downward spiral, and what you can do to help yourself get back on track.
I know it's easier said than done, and something I struggle with too—but don't let the perfect become the enemy of the good. As in, maybe you'll try and not get it absolutely perfect. But doing a "good enough" job is sometimes (often?) better than doing nothing at all. We all make mistakes, even with the best of intentions and effort. But the only real "failure" is screwing up, and not learning anything from it. I think it was Einstein who said "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results."
Thank you for asking how I'm doing! Well—muddling through. Sitting in a nursing home with my partner who has Alzheimer's, where I visit her every day. Not what I wanted for my retirement. I try to look for good things, small things. She still knows who I am, and we still love each other. I'm comfortable financially. I'm going to see my friends in church tomorrow; hopefully, the meditation class I'll be teaching will go over well. Trying to get motivated to mow the yard!
Be well, my friend, and take good care of yourself. We all have ups and downs; give yourself what you need to pick yourself up again.
Absolutely! Toasted, with ketchup!
Sorry, absolutely no clue—like at least 30-40 years ago.
Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite. And if they do? Bite them back!
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Been there, done that. I probably had Covid twice, but one seemed asymptomatic. (Fully vaxxed each time.) The first time, had only a household member with Covid and some low blood-oxygen readings. The second time, felt like a bad case of flu, tested positive.
Covid seemed to linger for a longer time than most other viral infections I've had. Low energy, draggy, for a good month or two after I was physically "recovered." That I needed to self-quarantine, and my inability to get basic ADLs (activities of daily living) done efficiently contributed to feelings of depression. There was probably also a physiological Covid-related component to my feeling overall "down" as well.
It will pass, eventually (fingers crossed). It just seemed to take longer than run-of-the-mill illnesses. Be gentle with yourself.