JayEchoRay

So long story short

I am writing to say hi and hopefully I can find answers lurking in the shadows by everyone here.

Long story:

I guess I believed that I didn't have this and have struggled a lot over time with the thought of always thinking what I might have and why I felt so different from neural typical people

I haven't had a formal diagnosis, but I have been unofficial diagnosed with ADHD,anxiety and depression and a nurse off had mentioned that I might have Asperger's but again no formal diagnosis.

I think I might also display signs CPTSD symptoms and I tend to have a proverbial forest of these lists of traumas albeit it small but are so...persistent that it is quite extensive in the sense that I could write a short story trying to explain myself with how I am feeling with this.

I think because my younger brother is mentally challenged to the point where he cannot look after himself, I think I have been hesitant to claim being neural divergent in fears that I might be thinking I am "broken"

But I have been, I guess, exploring, trying to understand what I might have because I have been forced to really try and make progress in my life after being "paralysed" by not feeling I am making any progress in my life.

I have always been something of a black sheep, generally have been of strong opinion and I am observant enough that I am decent at reading people to the point where I can call out other people's bs to a reasonable degree.

I believe I am strong willed in the sense that I am not too easily swayed, but tend to fold with a "second inner self" that is on watch once I have experienced something bad. I also feel like I can be caught up in a collective "energy" too

My life is one of wearing masks and figuring out the right "persona" to put on for the right "performance"

I also struggle with interpersonal relationships as I have a tendency to overshare and be verbose in both my words and actions.

I have a bad tendency to trust and that has led to me being taken advantage of a lot, which has a knock on effect of making me be very cautious of people and their intent, which leaves me feeling very lonely and unloved as I struggle to make connections

I have difficulties making connections because I generally scare everyone away with how "heavily burdened" my soul feels and that leads to struggling to regulate and being force to have to mask up and live with the tiring burden of wanting to "fit in"

I am unemployed, I have been looking for employment and struggle to find many jobs to apply to because of a lack of confidence in my skills and feeling very self-conscious because I am in student debt that I cannot pay and I am forced to stay with my parents which also makes and leaves me with guilt as it is a household that is hanging on by the generosity of family.

Just overall life sucks and I do not know what to do with myself as all roads feel like a dead end

wall of text ahead

I need to get this out as it is burning in my chest and crawling at my mind and if I don't I fell like my body will give out even quicker than it will.

So mentioned before finding "peace" with an acknowledgement and how it feels like time has started to move forward.

But as time moves marches on, I am getting more and more agitated at the thought of the person I believe I found peace with.

I don't know if this is just a hidden feedback that now getting a chance to feel, like really feel that suppressed emotion to how I was feeling and not walking away from the red flags.

I appreciate the person for loving me and giving me good memories, but all that fades away in a wash of reddish grey when it gets judged against their repeated actions that (emotionally) hurt me and how I was not strong enough to just walk away.

How even up to the point where they said they realised what they did they were still having signs that put doubt in my mind that they probably really can't change as they have lived this life of speaking of personal improvement and have created this grand illusion to get them through life (which, to be fair, is more positive than what I have been doing).

But their actions during this time over the period of knowing them speak louder than the improvements they claim to have made - which I will give them credit to, they have made.

There is a saying "don't listen to the words, look at the actions" and those actions were consistent along the period of their "transformation"

It was wrong of me to hold them to a promise they said they will still be a friend, to still pursue a friendship because my ego wanted them to be a better person and that backfired in my face spectacularly, as they willfully chose wrong paths repeatedly and I was not strong enough to guide them.

These further mistakes feedback looped into the problems with what happened during the relationship where I experienced things outside of it that, emotionally, I hope no one experiences.

Like this is the reality, most people are selfish and I want those that were close to me to be better people, but maybe my ideals are too idealistic as I only end up getting hurt.

This isn't the first person that has did this to me, just the first person to acknowledge it and I was so stubborn to try and get this resolution. I think because I was tired of being hurt without the other person understanding why.

So I know I am doing stuff wrong, I own that. It is part of this mess of grey matter between my ears. It is just how unequal the cause and effect tend to swing.

I will use one example that is not too defamatory:

I know I need to be strong, but I am so tired of trying to be strong that I asked, as a friend, for strength and what I received was mechanical. almost detached advice and I tried it and what I wanted but probably didn't word it right was someone to help keep me going - purely as a friend to you know be a shoulder to lean on and gather strength again to push on.

But the moment I didn't follow exactly what they set, they pushed away and left me alone to deal with what they said I should do.

And their words felt so shallow and hypocritical, when they told me how I must be strong on my own when they always seem to have someone there for them.

Maybe they just got tired of trying, of listening and I know I was too autistic to explain why I felt so much mixed emotions that just got worse every time we would talk as they would somehow add another notch on that wound with their actions.

Now feel so bitter because I know that I will mostly likely not find someone and I might just cave and settle for someone that will just hurt me again in the future - either this person or someone else.

Because at my age, there is usually (I understand that not everyone is) just broken people and they (including) myself, just bring more misery either in the actions, words or mindsets.

To find someone that somehow is patient enough to even deal with me would be an undertaking I feel no one is capable of handling.

And I know, I cannot even consider even that before I have some stability in my life - because no one wants a loser that has nothing going for them in their lives.

It is like I want to scream at the world

Even if, by some miracle, I try get my life around - I still feel by all intents and purposes a failure.

I am in debt for an education that is worthless to me as I soon realised that I don't have the real world working aptitude for it, I am unemployed (I did recently apply for something that will probably be minimum wage but doubt I will get it) in a country where there is already high unemployment and my demographic is of a lower desirability - like it is enshrined in law to maintain quotas - so it is what it is.

This country it is either you know someone and they get you into a position or you get screwed raw because the employer knows your options are limited and push the boundaries to the point that they see how much value they can extract before you pop from the pressure.

I am in such a mental mess that even when I live with my parents I still have to live with a mask on to try keep the illusion of stability and I keep it on because they are incapable of understanding anything (and this goes right back to childhood) as I have tried in the past and it just flies over their heads- they are congruently ignorant (like when I discussed with them about my depression, many years ago - it was seen as this thing I was incapable of being able to handle)

I feel so much shame in my parent's home that I cannot even leave it without some reason.

The only reason we, the family, are not on the streets and I am able to write this is because of their pensions, my brother's disability grant and how family help to allow us to survive and I am getting so scared because as my parents are getting older I am getting more worried for my brother, who is mentally disabled to the point he cannot survive on his own.

I am an absolute mess from decades of suppressed and more visible (small) traumas that have built into this monstrosity of regret, anger, sadness and despondence that I never got around to heal because I was trying to "be strong"

Who knows what other emotions are bubbling waiting for the triggers and I am trying to heal, then the get thrown the narrative tells me "toughen up, bitch - no ones going to help you, you brought this all on yourself", but there is just too much for me to wade through.

I did reach out to a contact a friend suggested I try - it was church counseling and despite my "best efforts" they did organise a session where someone can talk to me 2 weeks from now.

And as I write this, I recall someone still telling me in my past -even more years back - that when I when on a emotional tirade (which I know isn't fair to people), I don't need a therapist, I need a priest to perform an exorcism so I guess that "prophesy came true" as I agreed to a phone session with a Father.

I am spent - I don't even know if this will help me, but I needed it out of my system as I feel like I am metaphorically coughing up the poison I have let sit in my body for who knows how long.

                                    **WARNING**

                         **Large wall of text ahead**

I hate always writing about negative things, but this is something that I did not expect to happen and I acknowledge that I am at fault as well for this situation.

I haven't been in a relationship since I broke up with my ex and the last thing I asked from them was to "do better".

Needless to say, they might only start to do that from yesterday, maybe not because in my twisted selfish desire to gain closure I have been on and off again friends with them and I got through to them how much pain they were and had put me through my life.

They actually stopped trying to be someone who was hiding being all the bullshit they were using over they years, their interpretation of neutral science, etc, reframing things and on and on.

And like I think I am coming to terms that I have a collection of neurodivergent conditions.... maybe not conditions possibly traits that probably made the whole thing an absolute nightmare to experience on both sides when I try and explain the pain I am feeling from their actions and how they try to rationalise it and sort of sweep it under the rug of "self-improvement".

They apologised sincerely for the right reason (and not a half-heart apology that didn't really have any real deep meaning behind) for the what they put me through all this time and in the moment it was euphoric because it was the first time I got through to someone who hurt me to actually understand what they did to me.

That is in itself is selfish, I can own that, and I can acknowledge that my pain is self-inflicted that I was so attached to care and look for that validation from them.

I even encouraged them to not break up their relationship after they came to the realisation of their actions,

And in the interest of that, they had to cut me off again because my influence was too much for them and could be a point of friction as they would want to come back to me.

I insisted I do not want to be a point of friction in a relationship she is finding to be in a good place. That I will not be as bad as the people I have been telling them to not be and who have hurt me

And in the last message, I told them to "do better"

And now that I found peace with that specific pain and getting recognition for it - which was I believe a decade too late (with added issues added along the way),

I am stuck with even more conflicting emotions it is like a decades worth of build up is sort of moving forward. Like that whole thing was something stuck for a decade and only now is time moving forward again and I am feeling all this other emotions that I never gave myself time to feel before as I never had the chance to actually try find closure with any relationship.

I am ping-ponging between all these confusing emotions as I think I attached to them as an emotional pillar.

Because I am struggling with all this other traumas, it is like fighting new monsters with the existing monsters and it is this like a Jurrasic Park of dinosaurs in a replicating battle royale.

There is elements where I hate the fact that I loved them and was stubborn enough to stick with them to have them try and "get it", that I was stuck for someone that was probably not worth it, there is the part I want the best for them and want them happy, there is a selfish part that feels like I want them and I can wait to sweep them off there feet, there is the part that knows that is stupid and I will just find pain again, but then there is a part where maybe I did change them for the better, but then again maybe not.

There is parts like why I am caring, they didn't care when they were doing all those things that hurt you, things that you know they will never tell you that would probably hurt you even more - why the hell are you so concerned for them.

Like I invested in them and my selfish ego wants to claim the dividends - that is metaphor and not like claim they are mine more I helped them be a better person and possibly a better partner and I will not be able to see any of that or be a part of that.

Selfishly, It feels why did I waste my efforts for someone that never really appreciated what I tried to do.

Then there that evil voice that schemes that I could probably win them over, but then again would I be any better than the people they were trying to find meaning in.

Would I be any better?

And this can go on and on for who knows how many other permutations and variations of thought around this and it could just keep going.

It is all so conflicting and I don't know if my ego is so fragile from all the trauma that I have constructive a narrative that this person will be a good fit for me or it is this delusional belief that I am so scared of being alone that I am gravitated towards someone that can feel love me in a life that I felt very devoid of that feeling and I needed peace to let them acknowledge that I did love them, I made mistakes and that I wanted them to acknowledge and actually understand the mistakes they are making as they keep making them.

And this against a backdrop where my prospects seem so bleak and when I try move forward I get gut punched - like I wanted to apply for a job, I did all the paperwork and just before applying I decided to look into the place I was applying to without the blinkers, I am guarded by from scammers and it gave the same vibes.

And now when I look at the the job boards I just see nothing I can do as I am not qualified(experience or qualification), not the target demographic, especially as I am getting on the older side of thing (not over the hill just yet, but in a bracket I know is close to undesirable)

I tried contacting a church based therapy place a friend provided before and that was also embarrassing as they seem more confused more than anything when I contacted them and I don't even know what is happening there, I provided my number but not sure if they have to schedule something before something will happen there.

In regards to the suggestions that were given to me I am still in a very chaotic place physically (less appetite, sleep needs to still settle as is also chaotic and some other issues)

I did look at a few places, they are a bit far out of the way:

The regards to charity locations, they are quite a distance from me to walk. Similarly, clubs are even further away

The strongest contender that I can see having potential is a martial art that I do know someone from high school who I could ask about, but I would need some saving aside to afford that, even though they do have the first lesson free.

I lost a lot of passion for the blog I was doing for myself as I feel like I write there and all that is happening is A.I. is scrapping it and making money off my work that I was giving for free (indirectly). It feels like I writing into a whirlpool that just sucks everything up and there is nothing to really show for it.

I did have a chat with a friend and is someone that doesn't engage when I lean into my mental state and I find that useful for me as it is like I am forced to re-calibrate from my current mindset to chat with them.

At least today with a chat I did thank them for letting me at least feel "normal" with what we were talking about (discussing their job and what they are doing) and that helped calm and distract me from the chaos for awhile

And I did contact another friend that has a very busy lifestyle, but thought to try reach out there as well.

It is frustrating I am trying to move forward, trying to be stronger for myself but there is like I have let myself get wrapped up in a tarpit and I can make some forward movement but it get kicked back with all this self talk that I also want something more with my life and it is always out of reach.

It happened today, I was in daze and just wanted one person to just talk to and in that daze I was blinded by that desire.

I ended up giving my WhatsApp number and age to a scammer, but my incessant babbling was helpful as they kept trying to be insistent and even got aggressive on the point of payment and it was like the haze was lifted.

I told them I was going to block them as instinctive retort in indignation, , reported the number on WhatsApp for fraud, reported the number to the ftc ( which i know can be spoofed), locked my Sim, added fingerprint and facial recognition.

Blocked the person on the app I used, deleted the account and uninstalled.

I alsoI didn't have a profile picture on WhatsApp although I do still fear they might have extracted enough data from me in my stupidity as I left a review, and I am in paranoia mode that I gave them a too much information already.

I don't know if it is mental decline or I have been mentally fighting for so long that my brain was working on autopilot

Just please don't be like me, this environment is a safe enough place and I was in the desire for human contact and even when I could see it was scam before, it did not register as scam in the moment.

So I usually go long winded and "intense" when I do these things.

So please note this is another long post.

But recently, I was on a involuntary "dopamine depravation", basically had no electrical power for 5 days and I was stuck in the home and by the 3 day I was I guess going crazy - I guess "lost in the sauce" as it were as my brain went into overload just going over a whole lot of negative stuff. I did sit outside during this period a couple times a day but by night time did the brain go into overdrive.

I had to physically and mentally(mostly) exhaust myself to sleep or try and find someone sort of temporary self-acceptance to focus on to remain calm.

It was like I have been ignoring my demons and it came out to play.

It was like replaying thoughts and trying to find connections to things, looking at why things make me felt the way it did and I was forced to at least try to be honest with myself with things.

When the electricity came back, it was a dopamine rush and tried to take steps to at least deal with at least one of the more pressing problems that was screaming at me.

Doing this and while confronting it, I sort of realise that most of my dominant memories which stretch back all the way to primary school (grade 1 and I am almost 40 now) are usually negative with the strongest almost having a strong resonance to reliving those experiences.

I can close my eyes and start popping off a lot of those moments down to roughly the year with hazy recollection of how it looked like but I can remember how I felt. Most of them are bad memories, especially linked to strong emotion (which I know results in a panic attack if it gets too much and go into "reset mode")

For example, the time I actually received some proper attention was years ago from a bad break up which led to going into a very dangerous place when I perceived the other person had escalated the problem.

Long story short - when I close my eyes and think of the moment I almost lost it my muscles tighten up almost immediately and I have a slightly accelerated breathing. When I tried explaining it while writing, my chest was getting hot, my breathing got heavier and I felt the adrenaline heat and excitement like activating fighter or flight as I was thinking back to that moment.

That moment was the angriest I had ever been and I was the pins edge of snapping and the student therapists helped me a lot with that anger, even had me sign a "suicide prevention pact". They did a lot to get me to calm down. I still use that anger as a litmus test for my anger and try to make sure I never get that angry again.

When I wrote the above, that my mind starts "recompute" to that event and my brain "locks in" and prepares interlocked points and it is sorted and "presented" to me with most relevant point.

Making personal correlations about living in the emotion when I recall things, I sort of stumble upon all these terrible emotions tied to memories is maybe the result of decades of built up traumas that have developed PTSD-like effects. When I "live" through that memory I can have vivid flashback, how my framing is like that is in the moment living that emotion and writing it in a way of how I felt in that moment.

I have carried all these small traumas over the years that have never been resolved like mental fly sticky papers and it makes me start to wonder why I have so much trouble connecting with people and how I feel like I am stuck in a tarpit.

If I had to imagine my inner self in a series of colours, It is like a raging black maelstrom with orbs or spheres of differing colours, representing an idea or person, swimming in it. So the story I just told is like a raging fire that has cracks but it is sealed and the core is stable. If I had to take a take something unresolved then it would be a sphere slowly being consumed as the maelstrom seeps in the cracks until all that is left is a a small sphere engulfed in darkness.

I am probably poor in my social skills from unresolved early development bullying and isolation - but I sort of forced myself to be able to be social when I need to be by, I think, observation and imitation.

My love life is atrocious and fraught with a lot of emotions that I feel became traumas and as a result I feel has also left me bitter with myself and lost hope.

I cannot even have the will to go outside unless I have an valid and tangible objective then I can walk for potentially a few hours if need be.

I mean I don't know much about these things so I did some googling and stumbled across complex PTSD, and made me think a part of why I am so miserable is I must be living in a state of some form of chronic PTSD.

I feel like have evolved my "addiction" to mental stimulation (currently writing is on rotation) because if I cannot distract my brain with something. I fall into this deep self talk which is generally a negative headspace where I think I guess I feed the unresolved traumas.

What makes it worst is the last time I tried getting mental health help through the free services here, it was not a pleasant experience. A friend of mine had to contact them and I don't know how, convinced them to call me back as they didn't want to contact me at the time after I told them I had issues answering the phone quickly (phone's speakers where broken so I had to plug in a earpieces to answer the phone). It was generally 3 rings and then hang up.

Anyway to paraphrase in less tactful way their response in summary was: get a job, touch grass and go back to the clinic, they have other people to talk to (number specified) which felt like "we have limited time and don't have time to waste on you."

And this really angers me because if I am not acting in a way that is considered high risk it feels like I am not being taken seriously. I mean stopped going to the free clinic when they stopped bothering to even discuss my mental state and it became a case of collect pills and leave.

Again apologies for the long post, I couldn't sleep and decided to try and express something that I feel could help get me closer to an idea what I might be suffering from as I never really got a formal diagnosis the last time I was at the clinic.

So I got too confident in my ability and while having browsers open, walking on my way to the Riverside Sanitarium for the first time.

I saw a car and a few zomboids, thinking nothing of it, proceed to engage and in the middle of a swing with a two-handed weapon, out from behind a tree, a fast shambler emerges.

Me being an idiot didn't give enough space when I engaged the zomboid to my front and had my back to a tree which ended with me taking too long to respond and got bit twice once by the one behind me and the one in front.

Was able to escape, but consigned myself to get back to base, drop everything and go out on my terms -before changing.

A very long diary entry to allow myself to grieve his loss:

So I drank a bottle of bleach and waited for the end in the chicken coop, the character surrounded by what brought him peace. I closed the game, but log back in to at least bury the guy, but he is either despawned or roaming around Kentucky.

Continued on that world as Doug Walker's brother and dug a grave - and filled it to at least have closure with the character - there is a side bonus with the slim chance I will be able find Doug and burying properly.

Playing on vanilla apocalypse and chose to live off the land and away from most of the Kentucky Apocalypse on the outskirts of Riverside for a chill run with the excitement of danger.

Have been surviving so far off of fishing and foraging, winter is around the corner (might need to work on trapping as well).

Spent a lot of time trying to stabilise my weight (started to worry when I hit the 60s) until my fishing skill got to a point where I could figure out a routine for it.

Still undecided about where to develop a more central base to create an animal farm as I have found sheep, chickens and pigs. The building I am squatting in, is little more than a dumping ground as I work slowly towards self-sufficiency.

Life is more a struggle to survive normally with the added danger of zomboids, but its overall its pretty quiet life with the daily patrols broken up with the occasional background gunshots or blood-curdling screams of anguish.

An almost 38 minute video about one man's opinion about how the curated algorithmic experiences on the modern Internet have an effect on people and how it has shaped how it is being used.

Edit: Name of channel is Technology Connections

• they want repeat players (users)
• they repeat a formula that sells
• when it doesn't, they look to "adjust" it with something new and preferably cheap
• they give free samples to spread word of mouth
• they try to lock people into their environment
• they always want people to chase the next high
• looking for ways to keep you hooked on something for as long as possible
• they try to use their formula in all their products

Character is only level 3 in cooking, 2 in fishing and 8 in foraging and with a nice cut of fish and some mushroom harvesting, one can eat well.

The pot's condition is like that as it was something I picked up through foraging.

Even though it wasn't in the best of shape, looks in good enough shape to at least do a stair remodeling.

Seems B42 unstable is out!

Although it is only for single player for now, looking forward to see the new stuff - even if it might have jank