I would like to second this experience with my own. My now husband and I have been together 12 years, married for 2. I wanted to marry earlier but he was not ready until I got my act together because unfortunately, I am the one with a drinking problem.
We went through the cycle that OP and others mentioned of daily drinking, promising I would stop, then somehow getting sucked back into any excuse to drink again the next day or a few days later. Always drinking to the point where I was putting others in danger or acting incredibly selfishly. Luckily I was/am not the type to act violently or manipulate others, even when blackout drunk, but my behavior was inexcusable regardless. This went on for about ~4 years in my case. Sometimes better for a period but falling back into the pattern again and again even when I was devoted to trying my hardest.
What turned it around for me was the same as the above comment. My boyfriend of 8 years, who had always been my best friend and closest ally, said he couldn't do it anymore. If I couldn't find it in myself to change for him, us, or myself, he wasn't going to stay and keep getting hurt.
He cried when we talked and said that when I would stay out late or threaten to leave when I was drunk, the fear was overwhelming. He'd envision each time that this was it. This is the time I've gotten into an accident and was dead on the side or the road, or was kidnapped and assaulted by someone at a bar, if not killed by them. That pain was so real for him and was tearing him apart almost every day for years.
We both have pretty severe anxiety and on top of my family history of alcoholism, that anxiety was one of the reasons I had such a hard time breaking free of the cycle. I went from feeling terrified, overthinking everything, and depressed when sober to feeling nothing or just feeling angry instead of being overwhelmed, when drinking.
When he put his foot down and said he was done and explained to me how incredibly tired he was from being scared and hurt almost every day, that's when I really started trying.
I made mistakes along the way. Would slip up and drink too much probably once every couple months but I didn't ever make it back to my lowest point and never stayed out all night again leaving him home alone to convince himself I had died.
We got married 2 years later. I haven't been able to fully stop drinking but if I do end up drinking too much on accident, I resolve once again to take a break for at least a month to reset myself. Truthfully, each reset is in the hopes I can fully quit for good but I have other issues I need resolved before I will have that willpower.
I recently stated taking an anti-anxiety medication and it has helped tremendously but until I get the courage to seek professional help for some other things, I know each time I drink is a risk. I've been doing good though I think. We've been doing great. Since finding the resolve to do better, for us, it has been the best 4 years of my life and of our relationship.
I can't say putting your foot down is the best thing for your S/O but I do know it's the best thing for you, OP. From there she'll have a decision to make but be ready to leave if you must. If you stay and your S/O does try, know they will fail again but keep an eye out. If they're really trying and you see that change happening, you may get lucky and eventually, things will get good and then great. But keep your guard up, your foot down, and don't take more abuse than you can handle while they're recovering.
Stay strong no matter what you choose here and please take care of yourself above all else. ๐
Feel free to DM me if you want talk or have questions. This is my second comment since getting on Lemmy so don't be alarmed at the lack of profile history. I feel very anxious about commenting so I usually don't. But if my shitty experience can help someone, that is important to me and I feel a duty to share.
I would like to second this experience with my own. My now husband and I have been together 12 years, married for 2. I wanted to marry earlier but he was not ready until I got my act together because unfortunately, I am the one with a drinking problem.
We went through the cycle that OP and others mentioned of daily drinking, promising I would stop, then somehow getting sucked back into any excuse to drink again the next day or a few days later. Always drinking to the point where I was putting others in danger or acting incredibly selfishly. Luckily I was/am not the type to act violently or manipulate others, even when blackout drunk, but my behavior was inexcusable regardless. This went on for about ~4 years in my case. Sometimes better for a period but falling back into the pattern again and again even when I was devoted to trying my hardest.
What turned it around for me was the same as the above comment. My boyfriend of 8 years, who had always been my best friend and closest ally, said he couldn't do it anymore. If I couldn't find it in myself to change for him, us, or myself, he wasn't going to stay and keep getting hurt.
He cried when we talked and said that when I would stay out late or threaten to leave when I was drunk, the fear was overwhelming. He'd envision each time that this was it. This is the time I've gotten into an accident and was dead on the side or the road, or was kidnapped and assaulted by someone at a bar, if not killed by them. That pain was so real for him and was tearing him apart almost every day for years.
We both have pretty severe anxiety and on top of my family history of alcoholism, that anxiety was one of the reasons I had such a hard time breaking free of the cycle. I went from feeling terrified, overthinking everything, and depressed when sober to feeling nothing or just feeling angry instead of being overwhelmed, when drinking.
When he put his foot down and said he was done and explained to me how incredibly tired he was from being scared and hurt almost every day, that's when I really started trying.
I made mistakes along the way. Would slip up and drink too much probably once every couple months but I didn't ever make it back to my lowest point and never stayed out all night again leaving him home alone to convince himself I had died.
We got married 2 years later. I haven't been able to fully stop drinking but if I do end up drinking too much on accident, I resolve once again to take a break for at least a month to reset myself. Truthfully, each reset is in the hopes I can fully quit for good but I have other issues I need resolved before I will have that willpower.
I recently stated taking an anti-anxiety medication and it has helped tremendously but until I get the courage to seek professional help for some other things, I know each time I drink is a risk. I've been doing good though I think. We've been doing great. Since finding the resolve to do better, for us, it has been the best 4 years of my life and of our relationship.
I can't say putting your foot down is the best thing for your S/O but I do know it's the best thing for you, OP. From there she'll have a decision to make but be ready to leave if you must. If you stay and your S/O does try, know they will fail again but keep an eye out. If they're really trying and you see that change happening, you may get lucky and eventually, things will get good and then great. But keep your guard up, your foot down, and don't take more abuse than you can handle while they're recovering.
Stay strong no matter what you choose here and please take care of yourself above all else. ๐
Feel free to DM me if you want talk or have questions. This is my second comment since getting on Lemmy so don't be alarmed at the lack of profile history. I feel very anxious about commenting so I usually don't. But if my shitty experience can help someone, that is important to me and I feel a duty to share.