Today is my birthday!
Instead of seeing what today does to me, I'm kinda deciding that it's a good day because it's my birthday and going forward
I have classes all day and idk if anyone knows that it's my birthday but whatever
Social media is icky. Just scrolling makes me jealous, wishing I were being tagged in stuff, "on the inside" of whatever is happening.
I bought some thrift store capris that feel very comfy and am excited to wear them
"you must kill the old you"
Babe I am trying
Shaving my mustache was, turns out, a pivotal thing for the gender euphoria.
It's like I got rid of all this extra stuff, and now I look in the mirror and I actually see my face, the way I did when I was a kid. It's really something
Shaved my mustache for the first time in about 10 years. Planning to shave my arms, then my legs if that goes well.
I feel like a child left unattended. But ranting feels like wheel-spinning. I'll fight for my soul, I'll do it.
Why is androgyny so attractive tho 🧐
I struggle with this sort of thing myself. It's like I'll see someone and find them so instantly attractive that I lock up and don't know how to proceed socially. I usually end up feeling guilty, like I'm staring too much. I felt like it was a male gaze thing for the longest time.
For me some of it is envy vs. attraction, am I into them or do I want to look like them? I'm not always sure, and it could be both or neither. I'm attracted to guys, but women catch my eye more.
I've lost my own point! In any case, whoever experiences this, I sympathize, because I am still trying to understand my own tendencies to be awkward around the beautiful people
Thinking about shaving my arms. I wonder if they'd be smooth 🫢
Is it normal to have people forget that you came out to them?
I always thought that coming out would yield more openness, like, "I want you to know about me, and I want to know about you".
I have no people I talk to regularly, the only former classmates have pretty much stopped reaching out after I came out to them. I'm scared to text anybody first but would happily respond if someone messaged me, like, damn. Like, how would I pick someone and what would I say to them? I need to plan what to say
I'm having fun reading about Lost Child Syndrome and realizing I'm completely fffffucked and may never have friends. Like, I don't think people think about friends the way that I do. You have to be stressed and work to make your friends like you. Anything easier than that is literal magic. It's not fun. Who said having friends is fun?
Worn out. Dealing with some confusing mental stuff around socializing.
spoiler
Had an anxiety attack yesterday and went driving around to try and clear my head. I feel like going this long not having people consistently outside of my immediate family has been detrimental. My brain says "they're not reaching out, they surely have stopped caring" about my college friends and the fact that I don't have people standing in front of me, saying "I care about you" tells me that that's right.
I'm pretty sure that I'm caught in some cognitive distortions around socializing. Making friends feels like this weird insurmountable task, like I don't know how to just do that without the context of us being in school, or having a mutual friend. In school, before I knew I was neurodivergent, before I questioned my identity, I gave it my all and strung myself out. Now I am terrified to give the bare minimum because I never felt that reciprocity from others, and I don't really know why. I don't want to put my energy in places where it isn't appreciated.
With all of this, I'm worried that I'm deeply overthinking something that is for most people intuitive. Relationships make no fucking sense to me at this point.
Edit
spoiler
I haven't had consistent friends since the pandemic. I thought my parents would care more? They just let me live here and lose all sense of direction I guess
Do people ever have a responsibility to step in and help? Or are we really all just kites in the wind
I'm confused because I changed ALL my behaviors because of the severity of my mental health and nobody so much as asked about what I was going through. And like, how do I now go back to those people that were willing to watch me fall?
Or do I say, that boy you remember is someone else who is GONE, but I'm here now, whatever I happen to be today
I'm running on fumes. I'm realizing that I have zero (0) people and that the blank stares those cis people gave me for six years in college might be the closest I get to a community of people who exist in the same room as one another. It blows chunks.
Greetings!
I used to go by SterlingPooper around here (which is a pun on a company called Sterling Cooper from the show Mad Men). NO MORE!
Uh, I just got sick of typing the word poop and looking at the word poop and associating that with myself. Shiny new username, feels good.
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Wendy_Pleakley
joined 3 months ago
People five years older got to establish their independence before the pandemic and are functional adults. People five years younger get to learn how to accept themselves and feel their feelings.
I might be the worst age