There is no rule. It just is whatever it is.

what's wrong with man pages?

policy control

It's not exactly the same, but you could use puppet to enforce configuration

Software Center with software allow lists

You can setup a custom repository with only approved software and then set that as the only one that the system is configured to retrieve packages from. This can also be controlled via puppet.

controlled OS updates

Same as the previous point. Upgrades are installed from the repos.

zscaler

I don't know what that is/does, and their website isn't helping.

software detection tool to detect what's been installed and determine if any unallowed software is present

I'm pretty sure carbon black app control has a linux version.

antivirus

There are a number of different antivirus solutions for linux. A quick search will give you a bunch of lists. I'm not personally familiar with any of the options, but I don't imagine it will be difficult to find one that will work for your use case.

you made your april fools post a bit too late, bud

Never have, never will.

No. There's plenty of common examples of that suffix being used in a non-sexual non-negative context. For example: someone who enjoys reading books is called a bibliophile, there's also the youtube channels Computerphile and Numberphile.

xtract ze vucking file

Have you added these lines to /etc/bluetooth/main.conf under [General]? This stack exchange answer says it's required:

Privacy = device
JustWorksRepairing = always
Class = 0x000100
FastConnectable = true

I'd rather they not give a damn what browser you use as long as it complies with current web standards. That's kinda the whole point of there being open standards.

All of them. I don't skip intros and I've never understood why anyone does.