Wait and hope. I've long struggled with suicidal ideation, and I continue to work on it. I don't know you and I know you're not asking for for suggestions, but I can't see someone else struggling this way and say nothing.

The economic system is fucked, so fitting in is not necessarily a good thing. "It's no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." I know there are real financial pressures and struggles, I don't mean to minimize that, but thinking "I will participate as little as necessary" instead of "I'm not doing well at their game" has helped me find a sense of worth outside "success." Without you our team gets smaller. I think there are a lot of us, we just haven't had great ways to organize, but I see even being able to connect here on lemmy as a reason to hope.

As for what to do, doing nothing is better than doing something in an unjust system. Some of the things that have helped me: going to the library and walking the isles looking subjects that interest you (while we're on the subject, might I recommend "How to do Nothing" by Jenny Odell); Finding a natural space or park that you can go for a quiet walk; Working on personal projects, drawing, writing, etc which can come from and feed into time at the library.

I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds. I know when you're feeling hopeless, suggestions can feel like a condescending nuisance. I hope this is not that. I hope you hang on. We need more people who can see this is bullshit.