Mods, please lmk if this post is not appropriate for this community
My dream is to have someone—anyone—see me as more than just a friend. To have someone who wants me, in more than just a sexual way. That dream haunts me.
The only attention I receive is from Grindr. I see my worth as how much I can starve myself to stay thin. I figure at least if I’m petite, pervs online will want to use me as part of their fetish. I oblige them because they desire me in those fleeting moments. After they get what they want, they never contact me again. That is my value as a person.
I’m so insecure, so unconfident. I see people like my best friend, who can get any guy she wants without even trying, and I have only envy and resentment. What’s worse, I think I have feelings for her, unrequited love that will only serve to hurt more as she explores her new life as a single woman. I don’t think even she sees me as a woman, but as a feminine man who lies to himself in the mirror each day. A pretender.
I don’t even try anymore. What’s the fucking point?
Clearly I’m not in a good place mentally/emotionally. I’m tired of therapy; it has not helped me. I feel like a failure in almost all aspects of my life. I can’t even get high anymore, so now on particularly bad days I drink instead. Today I’m getting drunk. I don’t care to tell anyone IRL how I really feel these days. It’s just a waste of breath on my part, and a waste of time on their’s. No one I care about wants to hear about my problems, feelings and fears anymore. It’s best to accept this bitter reality—better to be the funny person than to share my internal struggles and profound sadness.
I’ve got my son, and he is going to venture out into the world on his own in a matter of a few years. Then I will truly feel alone. His love is what keeps me on this earth, nothing else.
Edit:
I told my best friend how shitty I’m feeling over text, she said she’d call me. She didn’t. I waited all day for her call. I’m always there for her, but when I really needed her today, she was nowhere to be found. That really hurt. Like really bad.
i guarantee you youre not the only one that has these feelings.
i like to sum it up as something i heard on rick and morty; existence is pain
that said, im reminded of quote from denis leary:
collect your happiness tokens, and run out the clock... thats all we get.
Fucking facts. I cling to those dopamine hits, but my tolerance is so high that even those moments don’t scratch the itch anymore.
o0o one thing that helped me... after the kids were all gone.. get a dog.
the dog has forced me outside, and into doing things i wouldnt normally do/try.
could also limit your drinking to workdays, smoking to weekends. might generate the tolerance break you need.
Cute dog! Unfortunately, I would not be able to provide the care and love a pet would deserve, due to my work schedule. It wouldn’t be fair.
ETA: I limit my drinking to maybe once per week. I could lose my job if I test positive for nicotine, let alone weed. It’s sad to say I am happy only when I’ve railed enough coke to numb everything else. I won’t go back to coke though. I think it would kill me, like honestly, it would actually cause my heart to burst.
Cat's are a more viable option if your work schedule is crazy and you can have them where you live. I have two and they have literally saved my life at least a couple times so far. I initially got one, but she needed much more play time than I was prepared to provide, so I got a second one so she had someone to play with regularly. I love them both so much it's crazy. With the automatic feeder I only need to feed them once a day manually (they get wet food once a day), and the litter boxes only need to be cleaned every few days. If I got automatic litter boxes it would be even less work. The really nice thing about cats is their social cues are so different, like if you ignore them they think you're chill and nice and will come say hi, so when I'm feeling really down and falling into a spiral one of them ends up sitting on me or getting in my face to demand attention and it helps break the spiral. Also they're so warm and soft just being able to touch them is nice. I could go on and on about the benefits of having cats lol.
Whether you end up getting a pet or not I hope you're doing better. You are more than your body. You're a woman, no matter what anyone else says.
Thanks for the suggestion. I’ll definitely think about it.