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this post was submitted on 16 Jun 2023
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ADHD
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A casual community for people with ADHD
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I feel you, I'm in a similar boat.
As a kid I excelled in school but was often bored, so much so that I eventually refused to go. My parents were worried and took me to a child psych, who determined I was gifted.
Now as an adult, I'm a mess. I'm constantly "painfully bored", unsure how to relax, unable to do things I enjoy because, unless I'm extremely interested/hyperfocused, I can't really enjoy them. My psych tells me to keep a list of the things I enjoy doing to help fill out my free time but it doesn't help because, in those moments of painful boredom, I can't actually force myself to do anything on the list. The only thing I want to do is work on whatever project I'm currently obsessed with, and if there's no such project, I just feel painfully bored. And I never actually finish any of these projects; I'm constantly jumping from one obsession to the next.
Work is similarly a mess. I'm fortunate enough to have a full time job that aligns with my personal interests/hobbies. But what this means for me is, I'm hyperfocused when the work is interesting, but completely unable to focus when it's not. There were times I would pretend to be working but I'd actually be out wandering the city, doing only a couple hours of real work each day, and there were times I'd pull something like 80 hour weeks where all I could think about was the work. I manage to hide the mess pretty well from my company though; they think I'm great, gave me a huge bonus, promoted me to senior, etc.
I'm on burnout leave now though, so I've got a fair bit of time off to sort myself out. And after jumping from psych to psych for a while, I found one who sent me off to get a formal ADHD assessment. It was my sister actually who kick-started the process for me, as she recently got diagnosed with it (as an adult) and suggested that I look into it for myself. I'll get the results next week, so let's see.
I hope you'll get a result that is helpful to you. A lot of what you say resonates with me. Not being able to choose what you can do without it being a pain is a struggle for sure. It sounds like you found a job which at least kind of works for you sometimes. I'm currently in the process of changing jobs. Again.