Autism

Making Bread and playing Dungeons and Dragons!

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I don't know if it's related to autism, but I can't listen to music just like if it was a white noise like most people do, if I play something I get very emotional about it, my mind changes completely and when I stop listening I kind of feel bad and depressed. I wonder if it's related to autism or some kind of over-stimulation or something. I feel like any music I listen to touches my soul. And that's not good because sometimes I just want to chill but I get way too attached to the playing song.

So I'm barely listening to music lately because I'm trying to keep my emotional neutral.

Good morning everyone.

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My stomach hurts, my country's dictator is going to destroy the world, and I have to go to work. Capitalism marches along.

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Sorry for the late post. Aggie demanded pettings.

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I hate all of my food aversions. It’s embarrassing to be an adult and to be a picky eater. I also would really like to be a vegan for ethical reasons, but when I tried I realized that I don’t eat vegetables regularly enough for that be healthy.

It’s something I’ve worked really hard on and made some gains. Raw greens are okay, some cooked ones. But still, most cooked veggies are impossible for me. I really offended an ex boyfriend once because I gagged when I tried his soup. Sometimes when I’m stressed I regress. Sometimes even my complete last ditch safe foods (shit like Lunchables) don’t work either and I’ll go to sleep hungry.

Recently Facebook decided to feed me a bunch of content on ARFID, where it’s fucking boomers in the comments with the “they’ll eat it if they get hungry enough.” The classic “it’s your breakfast tomorrow.” I can’t really eat leftovers because of that shit - getting the same bowl of canned spinach three days in a row, that combination of being really fucking hungry while smelling the foulest thing imaginable.

It makes me want to punch someone in the face. There’s no fucking reason to do that to kids. So much of boomer parenting is wrapped up in this fucked up need for dictatorial control.

I’m a grown adult who will sometimes not eat for two days because my stomach decides everything is unsafe. I have lots of coping strategies from a lifetime of dealing with this, and I still couldn’t eat a tomato. Ketchup upsets and disturbs me more than human shit does - I’ve had a panic attack from a packet squirting on me.

I actively don’t want this to be the case. I would love to be able to get really into things like heirloom tomatoes, or try all kinds of fun soups. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a good kid and eat my dinner, but I just fucking couldn’t.

It’s a thing that is wrapped up endlessly in shame and embarrassment, and then on top of it all, people tell you it’s a choice to be this way. People are so shitty about something that has absolutely no impact on them.

I love my basement. It's finished so it's not a creepy basement. It's my safe space where I can stim and do whatever without anyone seeing me.

Here is a Millie.

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My stomach woke me up at 4:30AM. After I went to bed later than I should. So now I'm tired and my tummy hurts.

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Going to try to work in the yard today. Have to fix one of our gates and pick up all the branches from the storm.

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I’ll start:

I’m annoyed that a Neurotypical has a free pass to bully, hit, verbally abuse, yell and it’s seen as “ok.” But when WE bully BACK, hit BACK, verbally abuse BACK, yell, then it’s seen as WAY WRONG 😑.

I’m annoyed that Neurotypicals use the free speech excuse to say something offensive and when WE use the free speech excuse to say something offensive it’s “you can’t say that!” “That’s NOT free speech!”

I’m annoyed that Neurotypicals say one thing but mean another all day every day, occasionally isn’t horrible, it’s ALL day EVERY day.

I’m annoyed that Neurotypicals try to”to teach us a lesson” to get their point across but when WE do it, it’s a GRAVE offense.

I’m annoyed that Neurotypicals see BIG things as little and little things as BIG things.

It's going to be 91F/32.77C! Spring no longer exists. But on a happier note we're going to try to work in the yard today. If I am lucky I will be able to fix my gate and plant my herbs and vegetables. Got Oregano, basil, parsley, San Marzano tomatoes, and green peppers.

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I'm sorry about tomorrow. Its going to be an accident.

Hazel lounging like she owns the coffee table.

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So I have been thinking about this for a while. I Am quite sure, that I am somewhere on the spectrum. Im not sure if Its autism or ADHD or somewhere between. I do observe quite a lot of behaviours in myself that regularly get associated with neuroduvergent people (example: I constantly observe different people to analysis how they act in "social interactions" (or other stuff too), because I kind if don't know what society expects as social norms (etc.)).

Logically the next step would be to go to a psychologist and get tested for neurodivergency. The thing is, that I seriously do not see the use in doing so. I know all the different quirks I have quite good and how to deal with them. I also wouldn't say, that they cause any sort of "day to day problems" for myself. Why should I invest the effort to search for a psychologist (I really should do that, but thats for this shitload of other problems I have) to get tested just so that I have a piece of paper that does not change anything in my day to day life.

When I talk of the weather it is not simply small talk. Because I usually have to work in the weather at least part of the time. And I work near tall metal towers so lightning is always a concern. As for today it's going to be 80F/26.6C which is rather warm. So I have to dress appropriately. Ironically I wear mostly black when it is hot. But what I wear is light and let's air flow through. I hear a cat upstairs doing something they shouldn't.

Dash is on the stairs.

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The usual misunderstanding. Trying to learn how to naturally speak their language while still saying what I am intending to say.