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yeahhh i usually just use her birth name if I must refer to her at all. Some folks weren't meant to have kids and don they best to prove it.
I use “my mother” for the same effect, but she died when I was in my early 20s.
I sometimes wonder if we could have made things work, or if I could have figured out stuff for both of us (we know I had adhd from my dad, but I’m pretty sure the autism came from her, and that was a post-death discovery)
But then I remember how hard she was to live with and that I probably wouldn’t have grown the way I did.. so maybe I wouldn’t even know I’m autistic at ~40..? Idk, I wouldn’t be who I am today if she was still around though, that’s a certainty.
She never wanted kids. When I was 16 she told me all about how my sister was the product of marital rape and I was the planned companion for the rape baby she didn’t want.. cool… my life in context.
Well my sister fucking hates me and always has (because she was the golden child, first born to a woman in her 30s, hallelujah!), so that worked super well. We haven’t spoken in almost 20 years now, my sister and I. Born 11 months apart. Wish she’d just had an only child, tbh.
I got one good thing from her though: perspective. She clearly didn’t want kids and I know how that turned out when she had them, and I also don’t want kids, so whenever anyone pushed back on my choice to get my tubes tied in my mid 20s, I was like nope. “What if I regret not having them? Fine I regret lots of things I’ve chosen to do or not do, but what if I’m like my mom and regret having them? There’s no solution to that… And I know how it turns out..”