Mental Health

Dear Mother:

I want to just say, that I do appreciate the fact that I had a chance to live in this world. I undestand that you've sacrificed a lot to bring me into this world.

But still:

Why?

Why all the abuse.

Do you think that the way you talk to me is genuinely "love"?

Do you think that your youngest son having to listen to arguments in the house every week is helpful in his development?

I look at history objectively, and I do understand... I never really have any "real" suffering like the "starving kids in africa" that you keep talking about.

That I always have food to eat... so I should be grateful and stop complaining.

But mom, I'm not being ungrateful. That is not my intent.

I do appreciate everything I have, at least the current me does. Retroactively, looking back, I do apprediate that I never really have to deal with actual starvation.

But why did you never allow me the change to grow.

I remember you'be always held my hand so tightly all the way till I was 12 or so... forgot... memory is fuzzy...

I think deep down, you do care.

I remember those happy memories we had spend on Coney Island when we first came to this country.

I remember just exploring New York City with you.

That was fun.

That alone makes this incarnation worth the suffering.

However... I don't know if I still see a bright future anymore.

I mean... you might not want to admit it.

But our family was not a peaceful family.

You haven't forgotten, have you?

All the yelling.

How you said I was the greatest mistake of your life?

That you regretted giving birth to me?

Then you tried to retract what you said, and told me how much you supposedly love me?

Then another day you told me everything I ever did was a mistake.

Why, mom.

I spend my entire childhood just feeling scared.

Just trying to survive.

Your other son was being "such a wonderful brother"

I mean, beating his younger brother...

Thanks, mom.

You still remember that day?

In Guangzhou?

I bring that up last month and you told me to "get over it"

Mom, you have no idea how traumatizing that was.

I was not even 8 years old at the time.

Did you even miss me when I was gone for those few hours?

...

Mom

I never got the chance to grow... I've been just trying to "survive" under you, under this... warzone you call "home"

How do you even expect me to how what independence is?

There's no way to say this politely, but you did this to me...

You destroyed me self confidence...

my inner child is still so emotionally attached to you.

I can't even say that I hate you, because I don't

I also can't say that I love you, because you have hurt me so much

But I'm just so emotionally attach to you

I'm just wishing I had a time machine, to fix this...

For my inner child that still yearns for his mother's affection

I don't know if I can ever grow up.

I don't known if there's still a tomorrow.

So...

You brought me in to this world

Thanks

But then you also used your words to hur me so much that I'm afraid to explore this beautiful world, because I'm just so afraid... I don't want to get hurt again.

So....

Thanks a lot, mom.

Do you feel good seeing scared child cry in the corner?

Seeing YOUR child cry in the corner, afraid of his own mother?

Does that somehow make you feel happy?