Wasn't sure if I wanted to put it out there, but I needed a place to let it out. I suppose my situation was too good to be true. Dated for years, but the marriage itself did not make it to a single year, at least unofficially.
It's been a stressful time. She previously had a government job under an agency that doge culled. She loved her job. I realize that as a society we work too much, but to some degree people do want to feel productive and that many people find their workplaces to be places of belonging. She apologized for taking so long to come to this conclusion, but she mentioned that this time away from work has helped a lot with self-reflection.
I was aware that she considered herself bi previously and that she had relations with women before. I wasn't aware of the extent of it. She told me she felt compulsory heterosexuality for a long time, but wasn't entirely sure of it and I was her last chance in regards to men. She told me she still loved me, just not that way, and that I was the best partner she'd ever had, that she was remorseful about not being compatible in that regard. We discussed a lot of more private feelings, mostly trying to understand and showing concern for each other.
I support her. If that's how she feels then that's how she feels, and she deserves to be happy. I'm not angry with her, and we're not leaving each others lives, just changing roles. It still hurts a lot, but that's life sometimes. It isn't anyone's fault.
That said I'm glad I won't be doing anything tomorrow. I'm just struggling to function right now. And yeah, that's how it's going.
Edit: I slept in today quite a bit. I've read through most of the replies and it really melted my heart. I cried a bit. I didn't expect so many kind words or this much encouragement. I appreciate a lot of the advice too. I don't really know how to express any gratitude beyond this. I will try to reply a bit more later, but I need to take some more time to myself for a while. Thank you.
Might have been nice to mention this a year before the wedding rather than a year after.
Idk. It's nice to say this sort of thing generically. And if your friendship can survive the end of the relationship, that's healthy and good. But you've got every right to feel angry over what was an insincere commitment not a year earlier.
Don't feel that her revealed sexuality voids your right to your own feelings. For friends and family, grin and bare it. But for an intimate partner, keeping this kind of thing so late into the relationship is a kind of infidelity. The last thing you should feel is shame over your anger or your grief.
Good luck on the path forward. I hope you've got a circle of family and friends you can lean on along the way.
People know who they and what they want. They are just afraid to admit it until they are pressed or their back is up against a wall.
A lot of times their ideals are very distance from who they really are, and it's too painful for them to admit that, so they just go through life pretending. And everyone else around them gets to be collateral damage.
I can't say it would have changed much if I had known that she was questioning beforehand. She has expressed guilt over feeling like she experimented with me, but she has also stated that she said she wouldn't feel certain unless she gave us a chance.
I would have given her the chance if she had asked mostly due to how close we are.
As for family, they're maga, I have no ties with them. I have a couple of close friends. She seemed to have been preparing me for this as recently she was attempting to push me to socialize more outside of her own friends and family more.
I mean, I'll admit I've been out of the dating scene for a while. But there's such a high bar between "giving this thing a shot" and "co-mingling our legal status and financial accounts permanently".
Well, that fucking sucks and I'm double sorry.
That's the healthiest way to engage with this kind of shit. Being alone at the end of a relationship is miserable. You have to get out and do shit and be near other people. Intoxicants don't hurt, either.
Like, the pain goes away with time. But up front, do what you gotta do to survive the trauma. Friends definitely help with that, even if its just to hold your hair back and hand you a wipey when you've bombed out at the end of a night.
certainly seems like there's a middle path. having the anger, if it arises, but having agency over how it lives in you and how it gets expressed.
coming out is tough simultaneously as we are accountable for our impact on others