Wasn't sure if I wanted to put it out there, but I needed a place to let it out. I suppose my situation was too good to be true. Dated for years, but the marriage itself did not make it to a single year, at least unofficially.
It's been a stressful time. She previously had a government job under an agency that doge culled. She loved her job. I realize that as a society we work too much, but to some degree people do want to feel productive and that many people find their workplaces to be places of belonging. She apologized for taking so long to come to this conclusion, but she mentioned that this time away from work has helped a lot with self-reflection.
I was aware that she considered herself bi previously and that she had relations with women before. I wasn't aware of the extent of it. She told me she felt compulsory heterosexuality for a long time, but wasn't entirely sure of it and I was her last chance in regards to men. She told me she still loved me, just not that way, and that I was the best partner she'd ever had, that she was remorseful about not being compatible in that regard. We discussed a lot of more private feelings, mostly trying to understand and showing concern for each other.
I support her. If that's how she feels then that's how she feels, and she deserves to be happy. I'm not angry with her, and we're not leaving each others lives, just changing roles. It still hurts a lot, but that's life sometimes. It isn't anyone's fault.
That said I'm glad I won't be doing anything tomorrow. I'm just struggling to function right now. And yeah, that's how it's going.
Edit: I slept in today quite a bit. I've read through most of the replies and it really melted my heart. I cried a bit. I didn't expect so many kind words or this much encouragement. I appreciate a lot of the advice too. I don't really know how to express any gratitude beyond this. I will try to reply a bit more later, but I need to take some more time to myself for a while. Thank you.
I saw this post last night and I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to respond earlier.
I know a couple that this happened to about 20 years ago. They were younger at the time, and it was like she was gay to begin with, decided not to be, married a guy, and after a few years decided it wasn't working out of nowhere and went back to being gay. It was very rough for him, he blamed himself, felt strung along, and was miserable for a long time before they broke up. I've seen where your at before. You'll get through this and be better for it. Just...not this week, probably. Give it some time.
First off, don't blame yourself for any of this, or for any feelings you may or may not be having. You didn't make her gay, you didn't break her, and likely couldn't have prevented this. You did nothing wrong. Which is not to say that there's even blame to be assigned. Society is crazy and can make people crazy. It's very possible that had your ex lived in an LGBT-friendly place before she met you, or had a family that was more loving and encouraging, or maybe even therapy to talk about some event or situation that led her to feel like allowing compulsive heterosexuality to change her, you never would have gotten married.
Second, people need time to figure out who they are, and a lot of people who got told they were shitbags and their careers were crimes and then were part of the development industry that is now almost entirely gone are all going through stuff right now. A lot of them spent years "being" their job, and now that they're free of that self-identity and people around them expecting the same person as 20 years ago, they're figuring themselves out for the first time in a long time. Decades of changes of heart might be wrapped up in that. Decades of growing as a person. Sometimes just in general couples grow apart, regardless of sexuality.
You're also experiencing huge loss right now. Nothing is going to change that and you just need to take time to process it, be with friends, be alone - whatever you need. I would say that studies show that aspirin does help ease heartbreak, and that drinking too much doesn't help as much as it might seem. Take some you time, get space, talk to anybody, get therapy. Whatever seems like a good fit for you.
I will say that the silver lining you might be able to claim here, one day in the future, is that your ex may have always been this person she is now, or has grown into herself like this. Not all people get the opportunity to do that, and it's your love and care and relationship that gave her as a human being the place to feel safe to be who she feels like she is.
Which is not to say that this isn't entirely 1000% shitty for you. You've given a lot of yourself. Rough are the hands of the gardener, and she's the flower. Which means that when taking time to step back, to get some space, look at yourself as well. Your life is changing, no matter what. How do you want it to go from here on out? Not a question to ask today maybe. Ask yourself in a couple weeks and a couple months. Ask yourself how the time being married helped you grow. What did you learn about yourself? What can you take from this experience and use to fuel you being a better person.
I'm sorry for your loss. Not just of a spouse, but of the life you expected to live today and tomorrow and next year. But you'll make it through this. It's always nice to have a 30 second training montage covering weeks of work. There's no montage here, just work. We're all rooting for you and want the best for you, and if you want to chat more just to talk through things, DMs are always open.