this post was submitted on 02 Apr 2026
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Mental Health

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Thank you for specifying "symptom", because it makes it easier for me to grasp and to put into words.

It's the bottomless pain and sorrow that sometimes makes me apathetic or catatonic. I think they are symptoms of my depression. The issues that these symptoms cause are, except for what they are on their own - in other words painful and sorrowful - :

  1. they ignite and put me into a spiral of anxiety and self hate. I don't believe in the afterlife and if my time alive is limited, how then can I be so dumb as to waste my time being depressed?
  2. again, they cause anxiety and self hate since I cannot explain to people, mostly to colleagues and to my boss, what is wrong with me. It's not like I scraped my knee thus it hurts or 1+1=2. More like i~1~+i~2~=i~3~...
  3. they make me isolate myself. I was once a party person. I was social, had an active sex life, exercised, played music. I loved myself and I loved people unconditionally. Where the fuck did all that go. I'm so angry goddammit.