I am my gfs first partner, she is my second. The girl I dated prior (for 6 months) was a vlogger and for like 3 months made a lotta relationship and prank videos wth me which I was fine with at the time. Now my current gf is my first ever real crush and Ive been into her for a decade.
So my gf stalked my ex somehow, idk how consodering Im not on social media myself (this account is the literal exception). She then asked a LOT of questions about my ex, I dodged just about every question. After that she just pulled away and was distant and would barely talk to me or meet up. She finally told me she found my ex's yt channel and watched every single thing on there.
Now I think Ive been VERY understanding and comforting to her, reassuring her literally every day since, being very loving and romantic to the point of cringing myself out. But she never really got over what she saw, idk if she rewatched that stuff or not but it was def smth thats always been in the back of her mind. She also knows that I broke up with my ex since I was moving countries and not bc the relationship was bad.
Now for the terrible part, smth i truly did not remember was that me and my ex had made a more personal video which was still saved somewhere on my laptop. I absolutely did not know of this and if I did I woulda gotten rid of it. Now my gf has access to my laptop (with my approval ofc) and she somehow stumbled upon it, I caught her curled up in my bed absolutely bawling her eyes out with the video playing on my desk. I have never felt this disgusting.
This is the first time my gf has denied my hug for comfort or just been so repulsed by me, she wont touch me while i explained everything, I deleted said video infront of her and begged her for a week. First she told me she needed to think things over but knowing her she wanted me chasing and I did just that, second week Ive given her space and theres been no change. We have had 2 dry 5 min convos in the last week.
How do I fix this or make it upto her???
Tl;dr: Gf found an old personal video involving an ex and wont talk to me anymore.
I wouldnt wanna see my partners sex tape either! I dont think shes wrong to feel this way.
Then why would she go looking for a video if someone that she knows will hurt her? Sex tape or not, she tried to find things from your old relationship and guess what - people who are dating fuck.
It's all the stuff before that they are refering to.
But still having that video is a major fuck up especially given everything else you've said. It basically confirms everything they were worried about I'm afraid.
Confirms what exactly? That the person they knew was in a prior relationship was in a prior relationship? That they had sex?
Not like I'd want to watch an old video of my SO having sex with their ex but I'm not going to pretend they were a virgin unless they said they were either. Unsurprisingly, a person's life didn't revolve around a person they hadn't yet known.
Keeping a sex tape of your ex isn't a good look generally.
OP also says their partner was worried as the previous relationship ended because OP moved not because the relationship went bad.
This to me implies they are worried OP still loves their ex and keeping a sex tape could reinforce that idea.
Current partner going thru your stuff is a worse look tho
That depends really. OP said they were on there with permission.
Also not everyone cares about that.
My wife has full permission to use my laptop (and I hers), but if she got on my laptop to search through my photos and videos to try to find something (something bad, that is), I would absolutely call that a breach of trust.
There's a difference between using and snooping.
Fair point. But in this case there was something to find unfortunately.
We also don't know how it was hidden. It could have been in My Videos/Sex with my ex haha
This is absolutely not the correct take on this situation. OP please PLEASE do not listen to this person.
The video was buried, forgotten about. Your current gf (honestly, I hope it's your ex soon) clearly went looking deep for something to use against you. And she found it. She was looking for something only to use it as a weapon.
Current gf is nuts and needs therapy before she gets into any relationship.
We don't know how deep it was hidden and we also only have OPs side of the story.
It certainly sounds like you're right but it's still a big leap based on little information.
OP may have acted in a way that made her feel this way.
We don't actually know what they said about the online videos or how they reacted when talking about their ex.
Throwing therapy out there is a big overreaction as well. Especially if it's their first boyfriend. People have to learn how to make relationships work.
I grew up before in the age before everything was put online and stored forever personally. I can imagine it's hard seeing your partner and there ex during their honeymoon phase in loads of videos. Combined with the fact they didn't break up because they wanted to but because of circumstances.
I'm really just playing devil's advocate. As we don't know the whole story, just a fraction.
Based on what OP has said I do agree with you though.
Yeah I can't believe I forgot it existed. 😔
It's easily done. Especially if you bury your videos properly.
All you can do is hope they believe you. But I'm afraid as they were already being really paranoid about it that may be unlikely.
Best of luck friend.
Thank you
That’s why you don’t go digging through ancient files and use it to indemnify somebody when they weren’t doing something wrong anyways.
But they did find something to confirm their paranoia which sucks.
As they say it's not paranoia if they're really out to get you.
It's a very unfortunate turn of events.
Their partner doesn't know they weren't doing anything wrong and has essentially found evidence they may have been.
You are correct to think she isn't "wrong" to feel this way, her experience is valid and she has a right to feel however she feels. It's her response and actions that I think are the problem here. If I found a sex tape of my spouse I might be upset, but if they immediately deleted the video and if it wasn't part of a pattern of infidelity I don't think it would be a big deal for me.
I honestly don't think you fucked up here, at least given the information that we have. If having that video was a mistake then you should have deleted it... which you did immediately as soon as you were reminded of the video existing. People forget things all the time, and IMO your response to becoming aware of it again sounds like it was perfect.