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this post was submitted on 21 Oct 2023
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Asklemmy
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I can be manipulative to people close to me.
Via emotional blackmail, and going as far as being outright insulting and abusive to people the closer they get to me. I use it like a test of their loyalty to me. If they pass I up the amount of abusive manipulation.
I treat people as either Angels or Demons. There's no in-between. I treat you like shit and you call me out? You're fucking DEAD to me and I will scorch earth you're existence from my life. Say sorry the next day? I'll put myself into debt buying you gifts and days out.
I know the bad things I do are wrong and I HATE doing them. It's a compulsion. I "cut my nose off to spite my face" as they say.
I used to self harm and send pics of the wounds to people close to me for attention. I once told my mother I wished I was aborted and demanded she choose her favourite leg gash from a set or I'd do more cuts.
You may assume from this comment I'm a teenage girl...?
I'm not. I'm a middle-aged man who now has no friends (go figure). I was diagnosed with EUPD/BPD about 6yrs ago and still struggle to get over these 'dark qualities'. Most of the above has been done right up into my mid-30s. At 40 I'm now 100% alone with my former dealer being the closest thing to a friend I can point to.
However, I've quit meth and have to become 'normal' and learn to treat people better. Well, I know HOW to and I've even had therapy on managing my emotions. However, I'm literally petrified of making any close friends because of what I've been like in the past. I don't want to inflict myself on people.
Thank you for helping out here and sharing! I wanna take some time and really do justice in attention to your comment so just know (and see by the current presence of some upvotes or whatever yhe heck their called) that you are noticed and appreciated for just being but also having the courage to share and really be open to discussing very real issues in an also academic way that makes them approachable and more likely to be addressed meaningfully ๐ค
Edit: HolyRunonSentenceBatMan