Hey, am I a toxic person? I have meltdowns very easily when things are unexpected or stressful. This is obviously bad but I don’t know if it’s “toxic” bad, “abusive” bad, or “irredeemable POS” level bad.
- I often have meltdowns over really tiny things, like something not going a way I expect. Stuff like this makes me think it’s closer to a temper tantrum than a meltdown, but when people have temper tantrums they seem to be lucid and able to understand what they’re doing, while I kind of just blank out mentally and start doing insane shit.
- My meltdowns/temper tantrums are often violent to myself and others. I have repeatedly hurt my parents in the past by hitting them. This makes me think my behavior is abusive.
- Because of this, they understandably feel the need to constantly police their behavior so I don’t freak out. Example of similar behavior by redditor which Reddit seems to think is toxic
- I freaked out today because I was trying to explain that a 30 minute conversation where I’m expected to perform being really happy the entire time (it was because someone was getting something for me which I was genuinely excited about, but I couldn’t mimic the correct verbal and physical reactions forever) is super exhausting. They kept repeatedly telling me I should do it anyways and I was trying to explain that that would end badly but the frustration I was starting to feel was making it hard to communicate, and I ended up freaking out and literally attacking my parent.
I really should do therapy or something to get this fixed, but it’s not something I have any idea how to even begin to tackle. When things get bad enough over and over again I just come out with complete and utter violence and frustration and hurt people I care about and do things I wish I would never do. I think I’m abusive and I’ve often thought about not living with the rest of my family but I don’t know if I can economically afford that.
I’ve tried asking for accommodations that make it less likely for me to melt down, but I think my parents view it as just another thing they have to work around to stop me from hurting them. “Always walking on eggshells” and I hate doing that to people.
Can anyone help? I don’t know what to do and I hate myself right now.
Hey, first of all solidarity.
About the violence: While lashing out violently is obviously never good I would ask you to ask yourself if your needs as an autistic are met? You said your parents police their behaviour around you but are you affirmed in you autism and allowed to be "just as you are"? Are you allowed to be yourself and have boundaries or is heavy masking demanded of you by your parents?
Thing is that expecting you to pretend smile for 30 minutes when you have clearly communicated that you cannot do that is also abusive towards you.
What I am getting at is that you lashing out like this probably doesn't happen in a vacuum, something in you might be pushed too far. Have you been able to identify your triggers?
While it is good you are taking responsibility for this, I hope you remember that autism and the masking that follows comes with a lot of shame and guilt as it is. This is often imposed on us by the neurotypicals so try to be kind to yourself when you investigate this.
Don't hate yourself, unpacking this might take a long time and you probably should find help for that. Are you in any social media or advocacy groups for the neurodiversity movement? If you haven't read Unmasking Autism by Devon Price I also recommend that.
This is not easy to navigate so all the best to you.
I’ve talked with my parents and we’ve come to the conclusion that the issue is that I tend to not communicate my needs before I freak out. I am going to be doing that more and hopefully it stops similar situations from happening in the future
Good luck. It isn't easy figuring out what the triggers are or how to voice them.
Oh and one more thing I wanted to say about what violence or abuse actually is is that for autistic folks things like unwanted touching or very bring lights for example can literally be painful (obviously we are not a monolith, everyone is different), but the world making us be in these situations can be also seen as a form of violence imo. And it is also easy to see why someone then would lash out if pushed too far.
We also tend to communicate different and that too needs to be accomodated for.
So please be kind to yourself even when holding yourself accountable.
Thank you comrade. This is helpful and means a lot.
I think I’m primarily going to be working on communicating when I’m overwhelmed rather than trying to specify triggers. Though it isn’t perfect, it should hopefully bring my family out of “walking on eggshells” mode and allow them to help me figure out issues when I get to this point.