Hey, am I a toxic person? I have meltdowns very easily when things are unexpected or stressful. This is obviously bad but I don’t know if it’s “toxic” bad, “abusive” bad, or “irredeemable POS” level bad.
- I often have meltdowns over really tiny things, like something not going a way I expect. Stuff like this makes me think it’s closer to a temper tantrum than a meltdown, but when people have temper tantrums they seem to be lucid and able to understand what they’re doing, while I kind of just blank out mentally and start doing insane shit.
- My meltdowns/temper tantrums are often violent to myself and others. I have repeatedly hurt my parents in the past by hitting them. This makes me think my behavior is abusive.
- Because of this, they understandably feel the need to constantly police their behavior so I don’t freak out. Example of similar behavior by redditor which Reddit seems to think is toxic
- I freaked out today because I was trying to explain that a 30 minute conversation where I’m expected to perform being really happy the entire time (it was because someone was getting something for me which I was genuinely excited about, but I couldn’t mimic the correct verbal and physical reactions forever) is super exhausting. They kept repeatedly telling me I should do it anyways and I was trying to explain that that would end badly but the frustration I was starting to feel was making it hard to communicate, and I ended up freaking out and literally attacking my parent.
I really should do therapy or something to get this fixed, but it’s not something I have any idea how to even begin to tackle. When things get bad enough over and over again I just come out with complete and utter violence and frustration and hurt people I care about and do things I wish I would never do. I think I’m abusive and I’ve often thought about not living with the rest of my family but I don’t know if I can economically afford that.
I’ve tried asking for accommodations that make it less likely for me to melt down, but I think my parents view it as just another thing they have to work around to stop me from hurting them. “Always walking on eggshells” and I hate doing that to people.
Can anyone help? I don’t know what to do and I hate myself right now.
Autism here, prone to overload, meltdowns. Also grew up in abusive environment. What has helped:
Learning about what causes a meltdown. So, if in crowded space, I'll think, potential danger here. Over time, recognizing triggers, can plan in advance, know what to expect.
Knowing when I'm about to hit meltdown state. Feel increasingly trapped, pressure building, everything faster and faster, panic rising, fight/flight. Got so used to doing this, can remove self, make sure meltdown doesn't happen.
DBT for borderline personality really helped me. I get so caught up in how things should be. They don't care, this isn't fair, everyone's against me, I hate this, I hate everything, everyone's stupid.
I learned to recognize thoughts in head, to not assume, no expectations, no judgment. Focus on what is.
This enabled me to start thinking constructively. Ie, this person is doing something that's bugging me. It's understandable why I'm so annoyed. How is it affecting me? I'm really good at researching, so what are creative solutions?
People won't know what you're thinking til you tell them. I had to research, learn about how to have healthy relationships, healthy conflict resolution, how to acknowledge, name, process my emotions. To not attack, criticize a person, instead, hey this is affecting me this way, you willing to talk?
I'd probably recommend you looking into anger management, researching it. I understand why. It can be overwhelming. Challenge here, acknowledging anger, allowing self to feel it, but not letting it control you. As a survivor of abuse, this is extra important to me, I don't like hurting others, making them afraid.
The fact that you are recognizing this, becoming aware of it, are talking about it, asking for help... there's a lot of people who don't do that. So, you're ahead of the curve. You can learn from this. You can emerge from this stronger. You have the ability to take what you're going through, to adapt, grow. It may seem hard and overwhelming now, but you can do this.