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this post was submitted on 09 Jul 2023
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No Stupid Questions
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I’ve improved my life quite a lot but it’s hard to give advice to others.
The comparison mindset is really bad though. It literally doesn’t matter what another monkey on this planet does. Your thoughts about how to improve your life are ones you have to discuss with yourself (maybe guided by a therapist). There is no wrong way to live but you have to make the choice on how you want to.
I know this might be dangerous to think about but I don't feel good about what I have done myself without any guidance in the past. Like, not at all. I want to take advantage of many opportunities around me and be the best of myself. I've been taking some steps especially since last year but I think I'm still missing the main idea.
I could say I haven't really defined a "purpose" in my life, but I can see these kind of people are definitely somewhere close to what I might want to head towards.
Being the best "yourself" you can be is definitely a good goal to have.
However, it doesn't really sound like you're trying to be the best "yourself". You're looking around you and see these other people doing stuff. Would you ever have arrived at these conclusions yourself if you had never seen these "successful" people around you?
You're seeing what is theoretically possible if your life was set up in another way i.e. you were a different person. But you're not. All these people you're seeing around you had very specific upbringing, opportunities, genetics etc etc all of which you're not privy to.
Everyone theoretically wants to have had a successful company. Or wants to have had a groundbreaking discovery. Or whatever. But very very few people actually do these things, even if they try hard, mostly those things happen because circumstances in some way set themselves up for these people.
Of course you have to work towards these kind of things to have any chance at them. But that's the thing, those people actually wanted to do those things more than pretty much anything else very early in life. That wasn't because they are just better people, no, it was just because probably their parents or something else instilled some sense of need for specific achievement within them. You didn't get that, so you didn't do these things.
We're entering very philosophical territory. Let me give you some more food for thought.
As perspective, 99% of people never do anything like the stuff you mentioned in their life. And many of these people live a very content and happy life. Are 99% of people wasting their life? Only the ones that aren't content?
What is the end result of, for example, having an amazing startup? How will your life look like, if you do or do not have that, in 10 years? 50 years? 100 years? 1000 years? 10 million years?
Is it of utmost importance that you have had (something like) a successful startup before you die? What if you're one of those 99% that chase it but never reach it? What if you had not "wasted" your life like you say, but still failed at achieving your goal? It's very normal for that to happen.
For me personally, I know that I'm not great at anything much. I have achieved nothing noteworthy. I have no real goals I need to achieve. My only real goal is to be as morally good a person as I can be. I have not a lot of money. I have no family.
Yet I am perfectly happy. I think that it's absolutely irrelevant what exactly I do with my life. I do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it, and if I don't, that's fine as well. Life does not have a goal state.
I wasn't really content with my life in general when I didn't start to hear about the successful people either. I mean, it's pretty rare to see I am content with myself in general. But if I didn't hear about them I'd assume that's just what it is I guess
Honestly it was perfectly possible I could go back in time and just not mess up some things and be perfectly close to whatever people I envy on. I could count not-so-hard-to-miss mistakes and it'd take forever to finish. I didn't really miss anything that others had, perhaps some guidance. But I think it is up to me to guide myself. Like, it's not like my parents are supposed to guide me for everything, nor teachers or friends etc. So I consider being unguided as a "me problem" as well
I think it's kind of a perspective thing. I just feel like I need these for myself because of personality or traits etc. Others might not.
Just remember that you don’t see the negative parts of these people’s lives. Not taking anything away from their accomplishments, and it’s great to aim high. Anything that can inspire you to take action to improve your life is a good thing. However, I promise they still have things they regret, time they feel was wasted, and moments of feeling unsatisfied.
Let's not even think about these as "accomplishments". I really don't think they're as unpleased about what they're doing as much as I do, hence the title. Of course everyone have their regrets, that's not my point really. I need to do better because I feel the lack of it, isn't this valid enough?
Like I said, anything that motivates you to improve your life is a great thing imo. So yeah, if you feel unfulfilled, of course that’s a valid sign that you should absolutely do more challenging or meaningful things. My point is just that when you compare yourself to others, you’re comparing your whole self with their public self. You know your own doubts, insecurities, etc, but not theirs. So it’s not a totally fair comparison. In the same way, other people could look at you doing well academically and envy your position, because they don’t know that despite that success you are feeling unsatisfied.
You're not alone in that regard. No one guided me either. But I self taught myself the skill I wanted to persue. And after 7 seven years in, I just gave up. Honestly I've no regrets. My school mates are doing way better than I ever could. I've no shame where I took my life, because it was my own decision.
I don't think you have to bound yourself to a purpose in life. Better invest your time and energy in something you enjoy. Build some skills.
I think it's completely healthy to want to better yourself and look at the examples of people around you, but remember that you've placed yourself in this group and as you grow you'll place yourself in new groups with a new set of coworkers/friends/colleagues and some of them will outpace you. I found I was continuously stacking myself against the people around me in my career, and as I grew I would stack myself against a new set of people on the next "level", which made me lose sight of my own overall growth. It definitely drove me forward and overall it seems to have worked out, but as you grow just make sure to take some time to reflect on your accomplishments.
Yes, I wish I could surround myself around such people more and more, it just helps you see things so much clearer. I'm still "looked up on" by most people around me and it actually pisses me up. Why are you telling me I'm doing very good, I'm the best etc.? It doesn't help me grow at all!
I think the truth is probably somewhere in between how you view your accomplishments and how the people around you do. It sounds like you've made great academic progress, but you obviously haven't finished growing yet. I wouldn't consider that time wasted, just time for the next step, and you'll be surprised at how much of a leg up your previous experience is going to give you. Best of luck dude!