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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/ParadoxicalState on 2023-07-26 19:10:18.

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/Thatsnotmyfoot in r/confession

Reminder - Do not comment on linked posts!

mood spoilers: Sarcastic, Annoyed, Exasperated

I destroyed my work project, and I hope I get fired - Tue, March 12, 2019

This is petty. I don't care.

I've worked at a company for two years. In that time, I've gone from an 'incredible asset to the company' to 'babysitter'.

I wish I was joking.

This company is owned by several people, but managed by a relative to the higher-ups. A guy who has never worked for anyone except his Mommy (who owns the company). A guy who is incapable of doing basically anything for himself. Someone who will 'one day' take over the company, who currently can't even figure out Bluetooth.

Moron would be a compliment. You think I'm just being harsh on my boss or exaggerating.

I wish. I wish it was just me being dramatic.

Last phone call I had from him was him asking where he was. No, I'm serious.

"Foot, I'm driving. Where am I?"

He asks me to track his phone, find his location, see if I can find a store near him that sells a certain item (that he can't remember the name of the store either, or where it is exactly), and then I am to GPS voice navigate him there using track his phone to tell him when to turn.

This is my life. 50+ phone calls a day from this man.

"Foot, did you get my email?"

"Yes, I responded to it and answered your questions."

"Oh good. Read it out to me."

Proceed to read the email to him. He is happy.

Fast forward two hours. Get a scathing email from him, responding to my reply:

"Foot, why did you email me again when we just talked about this on the phone?! This wastes my time."

I no longer do my regular job. I've been transitioned into this 'Personal Assistant' role, even though I did not want it. At all. To the point I'm currently searching for a new job.

The company is bleeding money like someone cut off both of its legs. Boss is supposed to be figuring out why, but the guy can't even pour himself a cup of coffee from the machine we've had for six years.

In my day to day, I also assist other departments. I have access to various software. I work alongside multiple managers and assist with their projects as well (when I'm not being asked to identify the brand of socks Boss is wearing so that he can figure out where to buy more, and have me call to 'have them set aside a package for me so I don't have to walk through the store looking for these like an idiot').

Based on my observations, I found several problems that are costing us money. Either by purchasing, distribution, or just a general lack of adequate price adjustments. Some were serious enough that I even spoke to a different department manager, who was impressed and took me to the CEO to ask if I can be moved to their department to help fix some of the identified problems.

CEO is Boss's Mother.

I get told that I absolutely am not allowed to transfer. That I am far too valuable as a personal assistant to be shared with other departments. That Boss will handle and oversee the changes that need to be made.

Manager and I were stunned. Turns out, Mother wants to step away from the company and wants Boss to run it. That Boss just needs more projects to work on to get a better understanding of how to run the company.

Boss gets called in, told that I identified several issues and that Boss needs to get them resolved. Boss gets mad at Mother, telling her he doesn't have time to do that. Mother says she understands, that he is a very busy boy. (Again, I'm not joking. Sitcoms can't even write this kind of shit).

Boss later calls me into his office, and tells me that I am to work on fixing all of these issues, but that I'm to give him all my notes, tell him how I fixed it and he will present it to the board. Boss then proceeds to leave for the day, calling me later to ask what kind of mustard was the mustard he liked the most on his deli sandwiches. Then proceeded to lecture me on mustard, because the answer I gave him was obviously not the right kind of mustard and that I need to pay more attention to things like that.

I hung up the phone, picked up all my notes on this 'bleeding money' situation/project, and shredded them.

Oops. Sorry! I'm too much of an idiot to handle doing any type of investigation work into our financial records for the past 5 years. I'm certainly too much of an idiot to notice that your profit margins went from 32% to less than 18.3% on the majority of our products we manufacture, all the while giving our distributors more than 46% discount so that they 'keep coming back for more'.

Here is hoping Boss can figure that out, especially considering the layoffs we keep having.

Excuse me while I make note of what kind of mustard he prefers on his Montreal smoked meat sandwich, which is a much more important use of my time.

Because, in the words of Boss: "Maybe one day you'll be capable, like me, if you keep working at it."

I hope I get fired.

UPDATE - Thu, Jun 06, 2019

Taken from ceddit

Despite a few interviews, I am still in this god-forsaken hole. You may be wondering: "So! Foot! Did you get fired for shredding the project notes?!"

Nope. Lectured? Yes. Got told I was a disappointment? Yes.

Things that have happened since then:

Boss has determined that fixing these issues isn't actually that important after all and that me shredding the documents wasn't a huge loss. Boss proceeded to inform me that I was 'looking for problems' and that I should keep my nose clean regarding company matters. AKA: Stop trying to find things that are wrong that he would have to fix.

Still getting 40+ phone calls a day. Today my first phone conversation was:

Boss: Foot, it's raining.

Foot: Yes... it is...

Boss: Did you get more rain at your house than at my house?

Foot:... I don't know...

Boss: Well don't you measure your rain?

Foot: No.

Boss: You should! Then you'll know how much rain there was.

Foot: Do you measure your rain?

Boss: Oh no, we just water the garden when it gets dry.

Foot:... So... why did you ask?

Boss: Well if you told me how much rain you got by measurement, I could guess at how much rain I got and I could see who got more rain! But now I can't, so whatever.

Foot: ... Anything else, Boss?

Boss: No that's it. I'll be at work soon.  

On a good note, I have actually stopped doing my job. I don't get paid enough for this shit. I spend my days babysitting, doing the most mundane of tasks, doing only 'enough' to not get caught and spending the rest of my time spread out between working on a novel, watching training videos online related to my field or upgrades, on Reddit, writing the same list over and over, creating spreadsheets for things that don't matter and submitting my resume to new job listings.

I've realized I can't get fired at this point. Not because it's impossible, but because the funds aren't there to do severance. I've even been warned that our paychecks might bounce next week and that they will be writing manual checks that we can take to the bank teller and have them check if there is enough money BEFORE we deposit them.

Obviously I'm looking for anything at this point.

Are we still hemorrhaging money? You bet your sweet ass we are.

Did I ask for additional access to sales orders as part of my research? Sure did.

Did I manage to confirm that we are selling almost all of our wholesale products for below cost? Yep.

Does CEO care? Nope. Cause 'sweet baby boy' will 'make things all better once he gets the hang of running a company'.

• On that note, here are additional things I have done this past month:
• Replaced Boss's pens in his office entirely with crayons
• Purchased the bathroom scent spray fragrance that Boss says he hates, with enough supply for the next year so they can't justify buying more
• Had the boys from the shop string up his office chair from the overhead crane
• Called all my vendors that I have working relationships with and had Boss's authorization removed from all accounts, citing a need for 3 signature approvals to override
• Destroyed my notes for fixing the inventory system, which had been neglected for 15 years and I re-organized to a functional point. This was deemed 'not necessary', so I removed all my work and shredded those documents too
• I listen to music all day, or podcasts, despite the policy against it
• I take extra-long breaks, up to an hour where I disappear
• I took a week off with only 5 hours notice, and came back to not being fired.
• I sign my email signatures with increasingly strange job titles. Today I am 'Unicorn Wrangler and Wizard Assistant'.

And now I'm sitting on Reddit, updating you all.

It's been a magical, wonderful ride and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I hope you've been entertained, shocked, awed, and perhaps a bit more disappointed in the human race.

I'll survive, but I don't think the horrors of the shit I've seen will ever go away.

There was that one time that Boss couldn't get his suspenders back on and ca...

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