BestofRedditorUpdates

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is Ema11e. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole

Thanks to u/Myune for the rec! Short post. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is more than 7 days old.

Mood Spoiler: wtf

Original Post: April 16, 2025

so I (23f) live alone in a small 2 bedroom house. one room is mine, the other one is basically my everything room. It’s my office, my closet, storage, sometimes i just lay on the floor in there and stare at the ceiling when life sucks lol. it is NOT a guest room. I’ve lived with horrible roommates before so I worked really hard to be able to afford my own place and I love having my space. it’s literally my safe little bubble. anyways, one of my coworkers (25f) got into a huge fight with her roommates and they kicked her out. she was venting at work and i felt bad and was like “that sucks omg” and even sent her a few places to look at. I was trying to be helpful without inviting chaos into my life yk?

later that night she texts me saying “hey I was thinking maybe I could just crash with you for a few weeks since you live alone and have the space?”

i literally got that sinking feeling in my chest. nooo. no no no. i’m not even close to her. we’re cool at work but we’ve never even hung out outside of lunch breaks and complaining about our boss. she doesn’t know anything about me. and i don’t know her like that. why would she live in my HOUSE.

so i replied super politely like “i totally get that you’re going through it but i really value my space and I’m just not in a place where I can have someone stay with me” like i was NICE. didn’t ghost her. didn’t ignore her. just said no.

next day she’s acting really weird. then another coworker tells me she said i “let her be homeless” when i “have an entire room to myself.” like GIRL. first of all, she’s staying at her bf’s place. second of all, I pay to live alone. that’s the whole POINT. I don’t wanna feel tense or uncomfortable in my own space. I don’t wanna tiptoe around a person I barely know. and I definitely don’t wanna deal with “just a few weeks” turning into “i’m looking but nothing’s coming through yet” for 2 months.

now ppl at work are acting like I’m the bad guy. sorry for not letting a coworker move into my apartment bc she had a bad fight? idk. i feel bad but like. also no.

Aita??

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: NTA - I don't understand why a coworker would feel entitled to your home? That's truly bizarre. Her life is not your responsibility. I mean, I could maybe get it if you were super close and good, long-term friends with a deep connection... but a casual coworker??

OOP: Literally just a casual coworker I don’t get it

Commenter: Anyone makes that comment again to you OP, you say "I'll let coworker know that you're volunteering your space to them, so kind of you"

OOP: Aye aye captain 🫡

Commenter: NTA. You don't need to find out first hand why her roommates and boyfriend don't want to live with her either.

OOP: I’m definitely understanding it now seeing the reaction after saying no. I am a homebody and really enjoy my personal space given the fact I work two jobs and my home is my only care free space.

Commenter: NTA

For the co-workers saying you're letting the girl be homeless etc etc... Do you see them offering a place for her to crash? Exactly

OOP: It’s only because I work my tail off with two jobs to have extra space. Would feel pointless if I just handed that free space away.

Commenter: NTA This person is not a friend or family. Why doesn’t she get an air bnb or Motel?

OOP: That’s what I was thinking. If she’s in such a horrible spot I would even help her a pay for a night or two. If it was family or my best friend it would be a different story. But for added context I’ve only been working at this job for 6 months.

Commenter: You said people at work are acting like you're the bad guy. Has anyone said anything to you about the situation?

OOP: It’s always something like “well I would if I lived by myself” “I would if I had the space” I’ve had a similar situation happen to me and it sucksssss really bad. which is why I sent her listings. not sure how that equated to “let me live with you” but it does seem like my reasonings of wanting to be alone are somehow invalidated. it’s like they think my “free room” didn’t come at a cost

Update (Same Post): April 17, 2025 (Next Day)

UPDATE: she went to jail, lol. Don’t know what happened but I feel horrible to say I laughed. Well, solves that issue.

Edit cause I have to highlight my favorite comment:

“Go up to the people that had something to say and tell them they are horrible for not bailing her out”

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/PurpleKittyKatt

Originally posted to r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC

WIBTA if I ditched my Sister’s Wedding Reception with my Family?

Thanks to u/queenlegolas, u/soayherder, & u/SloshingSloth for suggesting this BoRU

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: food issues, mentions of ignoring allergies

Original Post: April 17, 2025

I (31F) am due to go to my Sister’s (26F) wedding in a week. My Sister and I have never really seen eye-to-eye, and I personally think that she asked me to be a Bridesmaid out of courtesy and necessity due to her lack of female friends.

I am neurodivergent and have had issues with food (ARFID), since I was a young child. Everyone knows this. There’s a short list of things that I will eat, whether that be down to flavour/texture/etc.

Now my Sister, embraces the Vegan, Plant-Based Lifestyle - nothing against this, you do you, whatever makes you happy. What I don’t agree with, is forcing your lifestyle and beliefs onto other people. Let people make decisions about what they eat for themselves, it’s not up to you or anyone else to judge. There’s many reason why people choose to eat what they eat; Allergies, Intolerances, Religion, Beliefs, Neurodivergency, medical reasons, medication, or just plain preference.

Now, I’ve recently found out that my Sister has opted for an entire Plant-Based menu for her wedding. The menu has been released, and I’m having anxiety about attending because there is not even so much as a side dish that I will eat. Not only that, but many of the ingredients in the dishes, one of our elderly relatives is allergic to. There’s no offered alternative.

So, I’ve hopped onto ol’reliable Google and had a look at what’s available in the local area, there’s not much, it’s pretty remote, but there’s a restaurant less than 10 minutes drive away from the wedding venue.

WIBTA if myself and my immediate family disappeared for an hour or so, during the reception to eat food that we can actually eat?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Be Adult.

Contact your sister, say great menu, but because of your condition, there’s nothing on there that you can eat.

You are keen to support her on her most important day. Which would she prefer 1. You bring some food you can eat with you? or 2. You nip out to the place 10 mins away, eat, then circle back?

That puts her on notice and gives her some input. If she doesn’t go with either choice, comes up with something inappropriate, just give a neutral ‘OK’ and do what’s best for you on the day. So you have a record, text her a day later, saying you know she’s busy, thanks for listening to you worry about there not being anything on the menu at her reception that you can eat without bringing sick.

NTA

OOP: I did exactly that. Thanks for the suggestion. She had a fit at our parents and is ignoring me. I mentioned the allergies in the group, and claimed she didn’t know (it was on the e-rsvp that she neglected to read). I’m not trying to be an AH, I just feel that if you’re inviting people to an event, everyone should be catered for (to some degree). And to spend so much money on food for it to go to waste, when it could have been spent on things that people would have actually enjoyed OR gone towards something else

Commenter 2: NTA, but you must tell your sister. Two reasons, firstly any offense she takes is before but not on her special day. Secondly, by letting her know X amount of people won’t be partaking in meals at the reception she might be able to cut the cost of those meals from her budget.

Also, I think it’s preferable that you pack a picnic of foods you can eat and either nip to a room, garden or the car to have a quick munch and return to the celebrations. As a member of the bridal party, the longer you are away from the venue the more noticeable it will be and many more people will be offended.

Commenter 3: Yes but too late. Changes to any event menu must happen prior to these few days before. Bride is stuck with her menu and can only add costs now.

It is a shame she made no considerations for regular folk. It is 100 percent on the OP for not requesting what the menu will be in advance- regardless of how well known her eating issues are. Same for elderly relative with allergies.

The person planning the wedding should have added a space to the RSVPs for dietary restrictions.

OOP: There was space on the rsvps, and the dietary restrictions were mentioned. She didn’t read it. (That’s been recently confirmed today)

Commenter 4: What time is the wedding and reception? I’d be surprised if you couldn’t just skip eating and grab a bite after. When my sibling got married I literally ate nothing because there was not enough food, and I couldn’t eat any of it anyway (“heavy hors d’oeuvres” apparently meant like two trays of food for everyone that were never replenished, and I was pregnant and not supposed to eat certain things). My parents just took us out to eat after because everyone was still starving. I survived; my baby survived. Most adults can comfortably go at least seven hours without eating; I would just have a super heavy breakfast or lunch right beforehand and have plans for a meal after.

OOP: So we’re going to be on the road for about 7AM, get to the venue for 9AM, rehearsal and getting ready from 9:30-1, and from 1:30pm it’s go time.

OOP on eating meat at the reception

OOP: Who said I wanted meat? I’d be happy with fries and bread 😂

Update: April 28, 2025 (11 days later)

Update to my last post:

Thanks people of Reddit for all your comments and suggestions, all were insightful - even the negative ones.

So, we did end up leaving the wedding, but not because of the food.

Let me preface, the entire day was a disorganised mess.

I was excluded from the moment I arrived, I ended up getting ready by myself (even though everyone else was in the bridal suite).

I brought a sandwich for myself, which I couldn’t eat until very late in the day, and sat at the wedding breakfast looking awkward as I didn’t eat any of the vegan food. There was talk of a pizza order being made in the evening, because they weren’t providing any food for the evening - this never happened, so everyone had to go hungry.

It was unbearably hot in the dining room, so I asked the Groom how long until the speeches, so I could go outside and cool down, I was told I had “plenty of time, like 15-20 minutes” within 5 minutes of me being outside there was cheering and clapping, meaning that they started the speeches knowing I was outside and would miss them.

They’d also allocated us the room closest to the dance floor, meaning that my toddler couldn’t sleep because of the noise and music, we ended up leaving at 9:30pm and going home - gotta love a 2hr drive at that time of night, starving too.

And because it was a child-free wedding (aside from my child) everyone was fawning over her and giving her bundles of attention, attention that my Sister obviously didn’t like, because she was overheard with her new Husband saying “all anyone cares about is that bloody baby” to which she laughed and just told him to “shhhh” because they were talking under our OPEN BEDROOM WINDOW.

I’m furious and beyond disgusted. This is the final straw, and I will be going NC with them both from here on out. I honestly do not care what people say about me, but the moment anyone comes after my child, who’s done nothing but exist, then you’re in trouble. I hope she’s happy with her new family, because mine will no longer be any of her concern.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You shouldn't have attended...

OOP: I wish I didn’t

Commenter 2: Now tbh, you honestly shouldn’t have gone to the wedding if you knew the wedding was child free. I totally understand not having anyone to watch the baby and whatnot. But you were already contemplating on not going. That would have been enough reason to just not go.

And I’m not saying that your sister talking shit about your baby is cool, because it was definitely uncalled for. But this really could have been avoided. All of it. Yall wouldn’t have had to starve all day nor would she have been given a reason to purposely talk shit about you and your baby (She knew exactly what she was doing. She wanted you to hear what she was saying). Just use better judgement next time.

OOP: My child was the only child allowed at the wedding, they stated that my child was the only child invited

She was a flower girl

Commenter 3: They sound like tools, but it also sounds like you expected outsize personal consideration for a few things. You could have asked the hotel to move your room, ordered your own evening food or stopped at a market if you were hungry, and brought sufficient alternatives knowing the meals provided like the breakfast. Did they not tell you where the bridal suite was?

OOP: We did ask if we could be moved, but all rooms had either been allocated, or the travel cot would not fit in the room. I was not told where anything was, we were just led to the room we were allocated. We ended up getting drive thru McDonald’s on the way home

Commenter 4: Did they hire a planner? This just sounds like a pile up of oversights.. or maybe this is how they tried to cut costs.

Either way, you got to witness a dumpster fire from start to.. somewhere before it ended 😂

OOP: I think it was all self-planned, but the spending habits made no sense to me, personally. Spent 2.5K on a dress, 8K on food for the wedding buffet, but refused to get any sort of help to plan or evening food, or even a hair stylist for the getting ready part. There’s plenty of cost-saving measures that could have been implemented.

Commenter 4: Like another bridesmaid, your mom, etc.?

OOP: She didn’t get there until about an hour after I did and the other bridesmaids were off with my sister

Commenter 5: I don’t understand why you think they should have waited for you to be the speeches, they can’t remember everyone’s plans & location all the time.

OOP: It’s more the fact that I wanted to be there, I wanted to make sure we could all be there to listen, and I was misinformed and left out

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

My fiancé of five years just requested we open the relationship, and that request sent me spiraling. (New Update)

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Wild_Boar1142

My fiancé of five years just requested we open the relationship, and that request sent me spiraling.

Originally posted to r/offmychest

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

BoRU 1

TRIGGER WARNING: emotional abuse, grooming, possible infidelity

Original Post Sept 16, 2024

This situation is just so strange and uncomfortable, and wherever I turn to support, I always get brushed off with "it's not a big deal" or "well, he just asked" and I lack any real support or validation. I can't go to my parents, so I'm hoping a bunch of strangers on Reddit might offer more help than my social circle did so far.

I (28F) and my fiancé 'John' (28M) have been together for, as the title says, about five years. To understand the dilemma, I need to give you some background; we both came from very religious backgrounds, though it affected both of us very differently. John became a 'problem child' - running away, causing problems, and eventually finding a crowd his parents would not approve of. Most of the members of this group were a part of the LGBTQ+, smoked pot, engaged in protests and were either atheist, or practiced different religion. Although some of the members since have left, this crowd became his current friend group. I won't go into details about each and every one of them, but the main 'ringleaders' are 'Alex' (35NB) and 'Avery' (33M). From what I understand, they 'collected damaged people' (as John jokingly said one day) and let them couch-surf when things got rough. Alex is some sort of a nepo baby and Avery works in IT, or something like that. John met them when he was 15.

At first, I thought they seemed very cool and couldn't wait to meet them since John equated their relationship to that of a child and a parent, so clearly very important people in his life. But when I finally met them (when we were 21, and in college and home for the summer break), the meeting left me a bit disillusioned. Alex was catty and had snide remarks since I wasn't LGBTQ+ or anything, at most bi-curious, and Avery treated me like a child, but John said they always need to 'break new people in', so I tried to think positive and did my best to impress them with what I was studying and what my plans for the future are, both regarding me personally and my relationship. But the more I talked, the more they seemed to disapprove of me.

Despite the strange meeting, John seemed ecstatic to see them again, and gushed about how much they liked me, so I kept my mouth shut and just nodded along. Now, to understand a bit deeper on who Alex and Avery are; in the town they live in, they're something like local celebrities. Very spiritual, their home is full of souvenirs they accumulated over all their travels, are also 'married', but their definition of marriage is very different from the traditional one; apparently, they went to some tropical state and took some hallucinogens together, and in their state, they proclaimed everlasting love for one another. Quite a wild concept for someone like me, but I learned to be more open-minded since I left for college.

That being said, they also said that they can see 'auras', whatever that is, and apparently love my fiancé's. I don't know what they think of mine, but it probably isn't much.

Which brings us to the topic I came here with; last week, after we got home from work, John sat me down and asked me what I think about being in a polygamous relationship. He said he loves me so, so much, more than is possible, and doesn't know what to do with the rest of it, thinking that it's fair to give it to someone else. I, on the other hand, don't have a limit on how much I can love him, so I said no, and that was that. However, the question has been plaguing my mind ever since. If you knew John just a fraction, you'd know he researches about things long before he actually commits to anything; any lifestyle or relationship changes, whatever. This makes me think that he has already thought about it for a while, and that he also consulted Alex and/or Avery about this.

I don't want to villainize them, but I know, for a fact, they're not in a monogamous relationship, and they clearly don't like me as the rest of their little group. Again, I don't want to point fingers, and I won't ask John to show me his messages with them unless I have solid proof that isn't just a gut feeling, but I just have this horrible feeling that they, somehow, pulled in John. There's no way he just thought about it suddenly on his own; five years of relationship, and the idea of non-monogamy was never brought up, and now suddenly, just as we're about to be married, he brings this up? I don't buy it one bit, but I can't just go ahead and confront them now, can I?

I just don't know what to do. I feel stuck. At home, I pretend everything is fine since my group of close friends told me that I'm just overthinking, and I believed it for a while, but whenever I look at John, all I can think of is; 'he thinks there's a cap on how much he can love me, and he wants to love someone else'. I want to deal with this, but I don't know how. If I bring it up with John, he'll just brush it off as well, or he'll think I'm cheating or don't trust his friends. I worked hard to get their approval, and I know for a fact John shares everything with them; he wouldn't keep this for himself.

I just hope that someone here can give me pointers on how to proceed. Thanks.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

degenerate-titilicker

If you don't swing that way then end it. It'll only get worse once you're married. This is not something you can compromise on... He wants to fuck other people while you do not.

OOP

God, the idea of ending our relationship is so scary. I feel like I built my entire life since leaving for college around him, and if we separate, I worried I'm going to fall apart... but I understand where you're coming from, I need more time to process the reality of it all.

~

whygodwhy94

Don't let them brainwash you. There are plenty of cases where people are pulled into someone else's lifestyle and then randomly dropped. It will leave you wondering who you even are. I've been there and it ruined me. What happens if you drink the kool-aid and they reject you later?

It's hard to come back from that. And I'm not saying this as a matter based solely on sexual preference either. New age mumbo jumbo or "auras" mixed with radical changes in sexual interest can really fuck a person up.

A lot of people like this function almost like a give mind or the popular clique in highschool. If you already feel like you're being pushed away from the group, and now he's making this request, it's a bad sign.

Also the idea of him having "so much love" that it's unfair to only give it to you is a horrible cop-out and a very common excuse people use when trying to convince they're SO to try poly or open. It's often used to guilt people. It's almost like he's suggesting that you are greedy for wanting to keep your relationship personal and exclusive.

I'd just say be careful. I don't want you to end up hurt like I was.

Dedicating yourself to one person while their character and lifestyle is completely changing can end up with you getting hurt bad.

If he is sincerely changing in this way, I'd be worried about how much you invest in him.

I only say this because i was fully invested in my ex and she started hanging out with a group of college friends more frequently towards the end. One day we got into a small argument over parking and it ended with her saying she wasn't certain what sex she was attracted to anymore and wasn't sure if she was even female anymore and that we had to end things. Now, I would've been fine with helping them figure themself out, but for her it kind of just became her excuse to break up with me.

I think it was more about her/them wanting to have fun and was influenced by her group of friends all being single or experimenting who all "came out" around the same time. I think she saw them having fun and felt fomo tbh.

So to her, she was getting her chance to catch up on fun she may have missed out on being in a relationship. To me, it was losing a peace of myself that I invested years of love into.

OOP

I'm really sorry you had to go through that. I really hope John isn't using this as a maneuvering tactic to get out of the relationship or a chance to catch up. It doesn't sound like him, but I'll keep this in mind.

OOP updated the Next Day/Same Post Sept 17, 2024

UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the nice replies and genuine advice you've offered. Not to sound cliché, but I didn't expect over a hundred comments and some nice DMs. I'm sorry I didn't respond much, the whole situation was kind of emotionally draining.

I figured I'd update when something major happens, and I think this is it. But before I get ahead of myself, let me fill in some blanks in my story.

Me and John came from similar backgrounds, but my family was a bit less strict, allowing me to go to college since I had great grades - the plan for me was to move back after getting a degree, finding a job, a husband, and living the 'traditional' life, which, obviously, didn't happen because I met John, who literally changed the trajectory of my life. After a year, I switched from my first major to one I liked more and it's been a while since I contacted my parents. They didn't approve, of course, but with John's help, I didn't give in to their demands to come back. Now they know I'm getting married and are invited, but the last time we spoke was about two months ago. John is completely no contact with his parents since eighteen.

I didn't talk about the friend group in more detail at first since I didn't think they were that important, but they do like me - at first, they were obviously a bit unsure since to them, I was a cishet white-passing woman, but they warm up to me and I'm proud to call them my friends. The only people who didn't fully accept me are Avery and Alex, and since me and John got together officially, they tend to call me 'the wife' in this strange, almost derogatory manner. It's not an important detail, but it gets on my nerves.

Lastly, John is aware that opening up the relationship would lead to me being intimate, physically or emotionally, with other people, but he said it's a great chance for me to explore 'my bi side', though I haven't expressed the desire to really be with a woman in a commited relationship of that magnitude.

Onto what happened - I shot a message to John two days ago that we need to talk. He works from home, I don't, so as soon as I got home, we sat down to have an in-depth conversation about his proposal. I think he knew what it's going to be about and I had the feeling he seemed almost guilty, but I ignored that and basically word-vomited everything that's been on my mind. This is embarrassing because I wrote down most of what the comments advised and was prepared to have a mature discussion, but by the end of my easily fifteen minute rant, I was in tears and he had to hold me, otherwise I'd crumble completely. The gist of what I said is that I'm hurt that he wants to fuck other people and that he doesn't care that I'd fuck other people too, that he believes there's a limit to how much he can love me and that I can't see where this all came from, that he just sprung this on me out of nowhere just a few monts before we're to be wed.

We tried to have a mature discussion, yes, but by the end, he was frustrated - he did apologize for making me feel less than, but said that my outlook on an open relationship is selfish. What it all boiled down to was that he feels he didn't have enough time to find himself before he commited to me - which is bullshit because he didn't show any signs of wanting more than I could offer. We were very happy throughout the five years, I really believed I met my soulmate. I realized that, since we were engaged, he seemed to talk more to his friend group, and by extension to Avery and Alex. Again, I don't want to paint them as these cartoonish villains, they're really interesting and all, but now I want nothing more than to scratch those self-absorbed, smug smiles off their faces.

In the end, I demanded to see his phone, and he was shocked - we had a rule that we can see each other's phones, but we don't share passwords or anything since relationship is built on trust, and neither wanted to be a prison guard in the relationship. Nevertheless, he unlocked and handed over his phone, and I searched his messages - even deleted ones - and found nothing out of the ordinary. Then I checked the call log, and guess fucking what? Hours long calls to and from either Avery or Alex. I was fuming, and asked him what the hell does he need to discuss with them this long, and mind you, these dated months back!

John eventually caved in and admitted it was them who brought up the idea of open relationship, but they also talked about everything else since they're suuuuuch a role models. John admitted that he started getting cold feet a while ago and needed a safe place to discuss this. I guess I, his wife to be, am not safe??? Please make it make sense. Why even marry me, then?

He promised we'd go to a couple's counselor and fix all of this, his issues with marriage, the open relationship thing, the whole nine yards, and that he'd book an emergency session with his therapist. That he loves me and wants nothing but to be with me. It was late, so we went to bed - despite how messy this all sounds, I was a bit more reassured by this - I genuinely love him, even if my post doesn't reflect that very well. Though many people said to just leave, I want that to be the last resort - I was willing to jump through hoops to make this work.

But guess who's the idiot? This morning, I woke up to an empty apartment, and a message on my phone from John, saying that he needs a few days to think this all over and needs space. He didn't say where he was going or when he'd come back. I called and called and messaged everyone I know, but no one can tell me where John is. I told him that he either comes back home in 24 hours, or this is over.

As you can imagine, I'm a wreck. I took the rest of the week off and between crying sessions and staring blankly into the wall, I obsessively check ny messages in hopes of someone telling me where John is. To be honest, if he's willing to put me through this, I'm not sure I want to be with him. How can you do this to someone you love? NEW UPDATES

Update in the comments Sept 24, 2024

Hey, thanks, I'm doing better-ish. I just didn't really feel like updating since we're in sort of a limbo - he came back the following morning, and since then, it's like we're both roommates that do their best to stay out of each other's way, but go to sleep in the same bed. It's weird.

After my post, I got Alex's number from one of the friends I'm the closest with - I called them like fifteen times, all voice-mails, until they picked up on the fifteenth call. I told them to hand the phone over to John, and they had the nerve to say he wasn't there, so I did a little bluff and said "(friend's name) already told me he's there)", and it worked. I so wanted him to be anywhere else but at their ugly ass house with knickknacks lining the shelf, but once again, I'm the idiot for believing otherwise. I didn't let John get a word in and told him that he either comes home, or I'm packing his things and throwing them on the front lawn.

He did, shockingly, show up the next morning. The wedding has been cancelled 'until further notice', we've been to a counselor and I have to admit, I wasn't easy to work with. I think the counselor was heavily biased for 'trying new things', so I just shut down and 'hmm'ed as a response to almost everything.

Things haven't moved since. I want to talk, but I just don't know if it's even worth it, and John won't approach me himself since he's anxious about my response. I've felt like shit ever since he came back. Feels like I'm in two halves - one wants to talk and resolve this, the other wishes for nothing but for John to once again pack his things and leave to get some space at AA's. I talked with my mom and she said that every marriage is worth fighting for, and how can you expect every relationship to be smooth sailing?

So, yeah. I want the situation to magically resolve itself however the universe seems fit because I can't move either way. Maybe I'll go to church after a decade lol

OOP added a bigger update to the original post - Oct 26, 2024 (1 month later)

UPDATE 2: Hello everyone. I suppose it is time to give you an update since a lot has happened. First off, thank you for the advice, reality checks, DMs, and I'm sorry I didn't answer much. I just couldn't find it within me to answer, but rest assured, I appreciate every message and comment. Second off, in my post, I said 'polygamy', and I later on learned that it's supposed to be polyamory (on TikTok out of all the places), so I guess I apologize for that. No, my fiancé doesn't want to have multiple wives. I posted a short update in the comments, that John came back and was indeed at AA's (Avery and Alex) and we're currently going to couples counseling and individual therapy.

Each time I thought about updating, I realized more and more context is needed. Since my fiancé found my post (again, on TikTok) and I got the green light, the reason why he used to feel unfulfilled is because he's trans, and feels like he didn't get much experience in before committing to me. That's fair, I guess. I'm not in his position, so I can't tell.

Now, you're probably going to be mad at me, but we're still together. I'm sorry. The wedding is still not happening anytime soon, but we still live together and go to couple's counseling. After John found my post, he showed me the video and asked me if it's about us since it was pretty specific, and I admitted that I reached out for help to strangers on the internet. Despite him being the type to keep up appearances, he was calm and I let him read the comments, which was the eye opener. I'm still mad a bunch of strangers got through to him better than I did, but at least someone got through to him. I'll admit, out of the two of us, he's more passionate than me, at least outwardly. He broke down and begged me not to leave him despite almost every comment telling me to do so, and even though I had one foot out of the door, I agreed to continue counseling and therapy and see where that gets us. For now, we have until the end of the year to work on our relationship, and if it doesn't work, it won't work - we agreed on this, after New Year's, no begging, no demanding, no bullshit - we're either in, or out.

John also agreed to go low contact with AA and told me everything regarding them. For the sake of his privacy, I won't go into detail, but I'll share what I'm allowed to share. He said that, when he met them, AA were very warm and welcoming towards him in a way no one ever was, which hooked him. Like I said, his Christian home was not welcoming towards him, even before he came out. He never lived with AA more than a few days at a time even though they told him John is always welcome, even forever. They were like those cool parents who turn a blind eye to their kids smoking the green and stuff, and he admitted he let himself be buttered up. Then, 'about ten years ago', he had sex with both of them. That either means he slept with them as a minor, or slept with them when he was freshly eighteen, which - either way - means he was groomed, in my eyes, and while John didn't entirely deny this, he said that's something he'll discuss with his therapist. I guess they played on his insecurities a little to sway him towards an open relationship. The night he left, Alex tried to put the moves on him, but he turned them away, though John admitted he's not entirely sure if it was on purpose or if Alex was just a bit tipsy and they didn't realize what they were doing. I think I know. And about AA trying to rope us into their polyamory band; I don't know. John said that the idea was pitched to him a few times, with AA painting it as the best thing ever, but that they never specifically said that they'd want to be our third and fourth - just joked about it, which John says is their style, but... I don't know.

I know it's naive of me to stay, that I should just pack my bags and leave, but I'm seeing a genuine change in John. He showed me a message he sent to AA, in short, telling them that he needs to distance himself for the sake of his relationship, to not contact him unless absolutely necessary. He gave me the password to his phone even though I didn't ask for it (like I said, I want to be his partner, not his prison guard), but he said I can check it, even in secret, whenever I feel suspicious, so there's that. We're going to a different couple's counselor now, and it's definitely going better. John keeps hanging out with his friends (all of them are 100% supportive, even though some of them are in an open/polyamory relationship), but he asked that they don't relay anything to AA. Oh, and Alex messaged him a couple of times, it was very satisfying to see either them or Avery grow increasingly upset over John ignoring them completely. They also messaged me, but I immediately blocked them without even reading it. For all I care, they can rot in hell. The only reason I didn't drive over to their house to beat them up for what they did to John is because he convinced me to not give them any more energy.

So, there you have it. I still have doubts, of course, and a temporary change is nothing if it doesn't stick, but I'm willing to see it through. I'm not going to throw away five years, not yet, not when it seems like there might be a future to it. If we do pull through, I'm going to make sure I send a wedding photo straight to AA's house, even though that's petty, and I shouldn't.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/BigExplanation3582

**Originally posted to r/CharlotteDobreYouTube

AITA for 'seducing' my ex's older brother and ruining their family?

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: abuse, alcoholism, infidelity, emotional abuse and manipulation, controlling behavior, stalking

Mood Spoilers: terrifying, but OOP is going to be okay!

Original Post: April 6, 2025

I honestly don't know how to get around it, it's been a couple of weeks and I'm genuinely confused as to what I did and if there were things I should/could have done differently. Anyway, this is going to be a long one, so buckle up, grab a snack and bear with me.

I, 27F, was in a rather bad relationship about 4-5 years back. It was a textbook toxic relationship and there are very few things in life that I regret as much as I regret staying in it for a year and a half, which was a year and a half too much.

Just to give some context, this person, let's call him Chad was a year older than me, we met in college, became friends and eventually grew closer after we both graduated. Anyway, the initial courtship period was a dream, which I now realise was severe love bombing. It's like he worshipped the ground I walked on. He showered me with compliments, small thoughtful gifts, hand written letters, the works. I WAS SMITTEN. However, one point of contention since day 1 was his insecurity - how he didn't believe he got someone like me, or how people apparently looked at us weirdly, because they couldn't believe he landed me.

Five months into the relationship, things took a permanent turn for the worse - his insecurity was through the roof, I wasn't allowed to have any guy friends, there was constant negging, regarding my body, clothes, taste in music, the way I spoke, EVERYTHING. Also, I realised he had an alcohol problem and constantly micro cheated. Engaging with his exes over late night video calls, flirting with anyone and everyone under the pretext of friendship. He was my first, so I was extremely attached and couldn't leave until he finally cheated on me with someone he apparently saw a little sister and grew up with.

I can't believe I lost my self esteem and peace over a guy built like a wet cigarette; but I digress.

I had made post about him earlier on this sub as well.:

Now coming to his older brother, let's call him Dan. Dan had always been polite with me, acknowledging me with max a nod or a smile or a hello.

However, Chad was really uncomfortable with these 'interactions' because a) Dan was vvvvv private and had never spoken to any of his other girlfriends. b) Dan had told him on a few occasions that I was too good for him & he shouldn't screw up.

Okay, now coming to the main issue of how I apparently seduced Dan.

7 months ago I moved to a different city for work. I live alone in a two bedroom and my house is the go-to hangout spot for the few friends I've made here. Not like a party spot, but like a glass of wine, good food, safe space kind of a spot. I love cooking and hosting people, and my friends definitely reap the benefits, I'm THE mom friend.

Anyway, about 4 months back, one of my friends was supposed to come over and she asked to bring a friend who'd recently gone through a break up. I didn't mind.

When they showed up, I realised that this friend was Dan. We were both surprised and visibly uncomfortable. A few moments after settling down, he randomly blurted out that he knows his brother did me dirty and he'd understand if I wanted him to leave. This statement actually helped cut the tension in the room and I was okay with him being over, after all he had always been nice to me, and I had a really good relationship with my ex's family, so I didn't ask him to leave. The three of us got drunk, consoled Dan and talked the night away.

This started becoming a frequent affair (not the drinking though) with them coming over at least 2-3 times a week, at times Dan would stay even after the other friend left. Usually for dinner, because he missed home cooked food, I didn't mind.

Now, the friend who'd come over with him went out of town last month and this is when I think I should have acted differently. Dan started showing up alone for these weekly dinners now, he'd come way early and try and help me cook and stay really late, usually not even getting up to leave until I dropped several hints.

On the last of these occasions, he shows up with my favourite wine and food, as a sort of thank you for being such a good friend, despite everything. We eat, we drink, we talk and drink some more and it's pretty late, when Dan tells me he drove to my place that day (he usually avails cabs) and that he's too drunk to drive back, so if I could let him crash at mine. I hesitantly agreed, given I had a spare room and also there wasn't any other reasonable option tbh. This is when things started getting worse I think.

He started talking about what he thought of me when he first met me and presenting rather detailed observations about me from the time I dated his brother, and loads of other stuff, some compliments, some vulnerable statements, so very awkward jokes etc.

After a little while he tried to kiss me.

Not like leaning in to kiss me, but more like it suddenly occurred to him he should do it, so he just grabbed my face and tried to kiss me. I pushed him away and went numb for a minute and then slowly went to my room and locked my door. I couldn't think and felt extremely hollow. I lay in bed awake for the remaining night. The next morning he was gone before I woke up.

Three days after the incident I get a call from an unknown number and pick up to realise it's my ex. He's wailing hysterically and screaming over the phone, calling me a wh*re for 'seducing' his brother and that I ruined his family and his relationship with his brother and that I did a hideous thing for revenge which is wayy worse than what he did to me. There was a lot of name calling, accusations. Because his brother isn't talking to him and his dad refused to get involved. So he feels completely abandoned. I didn't say a word and hung up, shaking.

Turns out Dan had left that very night and called Chad cussing him out for ruining his chances with me, telling him he always had a thing for me and knew Chad didn't deserve me.

So, AITAH for seducing/leading on my ex's older brother ?

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: You’re not the AH he was pursuing you with the intent to date or hook up. That’s why he brought the wine and drove. It was an excuse to stay.

I think he perused you taking advantage of the situation and your sympathy. I suggest avoiding this entire family. They don’t seem to make the best choices or handle relationships/friendships well.

OOP: The car thing was definitely a sign. Tbh I feel kinda stupid for not gauging this earlier.

Commenter 2: So let me get this straight. One brother verbally and mentally abused you, the other brother sexually assaulted you, then the first brother called and verbally abused you some more and you want to know if you're the AH ? Really ? Block these 2 douchbags. They don't deserve another second of your thoughts

OOP: The ex has been blocked since eons. The other one is blocked now. I'm really not letting anyone from that family have any access to me moving forward.

Commenter 3: NTA

Neither brother is good for you. One is insecure and controlling and the other is manipulative.

The brother set the whole thing up to pressure you into letting him stay the night and wanted to at least hook up with you. From the sounds of it, he’s been hoping/planning for this for years and he finally had the opportunity to put his plan into action.

Time to make it clear to the local one the only relationship you will willingly have with him is a friendship. Keep blocking the ex. It sucks that neither of them appear to care about your feelings.

Additional Information from OOP after reading comments

OOP: Thank you everyone for being so understanding. I am going to have a proper conversation with the friend who's a common link, sometime today or tomorrow. As for staying friends with Dan, HELL NO! I'm done with their family for good.

Update: April 28, 2025 (a bit more than three weeks later)

Firstly, apologies for taking so long to post an update. I honestly had no intention of posting one, but then things kept unfolding on the daily and we are close to a month later, now.

Secondly, thank you to everyone who has been super supportive and understanding, your words really helped me. This past month has been nothing short of a fever dream and this post is going to be LONGGG! So, let's begin.

Ever since the night of the incident and the phone call from the ex, things had been fairly normal. I blocked the entire family, and as mentioned earlier decided to meet the common friend to tell her of the entire scenario. We met and I narrated everything that went down during the couple of weeks when she wasn't here. Here's what she had to say - Apparently Dan had spoken to her about me, asking her if she sensed a spark between us and going as far as telling her that he always felt 'I' had a thing for him when I dated his brother. I was dumbfounded to say the least. Anyway, she apparently asked him to not imagine stuff and be normal and process his breakup. NGL, I was kinda pissed at her for not telling me and also being rather lackadaisical about the whole situation even after I told her what went down. She just asked me to get over it and not engage. Literally, just that much. I have decided to keep my distance for now.

Now, from mid April is when things really start snowballing. So, I live in a rented condo, in a gated apartment building. While I don't have the authority to install cameras or change the locks, I did add some extra lock and informed building security to not let Dan in anymore, or if anyone comes to visit me, to give me a call before letting them up. I thought that'd be it, but gosh, was I wrong.

At around 2 am on the 12th of this month, I wake up to my phone buzzing incessantly, being bombarded with calls and messages. There are over a 100 calls from an unknown no. And some 5-6 calls from the building security. I call them back and can clearly hear a ruckus in the background, they ask me to come down immediately.

Once down, what do I see? Dan is drunk out of his mind, SCREAMING and hurling expletives, asking to be let up. I was terrified and stumped tbh. Once Dan notices me, he literally lunges towards me , repeatedly saying he wants to talk. By this time more people have gathered, additional security has been called and they try to drag Dan away when he punches one of the guards. He's then literally thrown outside.

I apologize to everyone, especially the guard and offer to pay for his injury, just trying to diffuse the situation, in some sort of a daze. It wasn't until I got into the elevator, that I broke down. It was a mix of anger, fear and helplessness and I was genuinely scared, because Dan is a big guy and if I were to face him alone, I wouldn't be able to fight him off physically.

But as they say, bad luck comes in threes and there was more. The next morning I get a call from my landlord asking me to leave my apartment within the next two weeks. I was devastated, this was my space, a home I'd made for myself and now I was being kicked out for no fault of mine. I explained the situation and while he sympathized, he said the actual residents of the building don't want someone who attracts violence and drama and has questionable character. Ofc.

After an extremely shitty last night and morning, I managed to drag myself to work somehow and pushed through the day, I just wanted to get home, stay in bed and cry. So, I chose to leave early and go home.

You know how you can sense if someone's following you or watching you ? I felt that while walking from my office to the subway and just as I was about to enter the station, Someone grabs my hand and pulls me aside. It's Dan and I kinda freeze. He again keeps muttering that he wants to talk, he's very clearly on something and looks kind of manic. His grip is extremely tight and he's going on about how his family isn't talking to him and I'm the only person he can count on.

At this point there are a few things running through my mind - this particular entry gate is a deserted one (it's the closest to my office, but it's the least used gate, surrounded by trees and kinda nothing) It's late afternoon and the vv few shops around this gate is closed, because siesta/summer nap time. I just need to somehow escape and then head straight to the cops. Dan noticed me zoning out and made some innuendo laden comment and touched my face. I think something snapped in me then and I screamed bloody murder, I SCREAMED, think angry monkey and stomped on his foot and ran down the stairs to the subway station and got onto the train that just came in. It went in the opposite direction of my home but I didn't care. I called a couple of friends who knew about the situation and asked them to accompany me to the police station.

The police station, Ha! I narrate the incident, show the bruise on my wrist and tell them everything. Things they chose to hear/see - ex's brother, I - a woman let him into my home multiple times, alcohol involved, he didn't technically hurt me, I live alone, I have tattoos, this guy was my friend. So, I should probably try and amicably sort things out. Since there was no bloodshed or harassment that led to anything, they won't lodge an official complaint or arrest him, but they can make a general complaint and look into it if things escalate. I am literally holding in my tears at this point.

I call Dan's father, tell him about his son, tell him I've lodged a complaint against his son. This man dodges all responsibility , tells me, we are all adults and are allowed to do what feels right. I swear I could shoot this family.

So, I've lost my home, this man is lurking around harassing me, making my workplace unsafe too, the cops aren't doing shit, his family isn't doing shit, I don't want to bother mine. All I have is the copy of a general complaint. I felt helpless, but I had to do something.

I looked up Dan's manager (who I knew hated him) HR and dept. Head at his workplace and sent them a scathing email, attaching the copy of the complaint, a few of my close friends started commenting on the company's LinkedIn posts and took to Google reviews about the company hiring predators. A couple of my guy friends shared the same information with his landlord, who happens to have a daughter.

And lastly, I told the super gossipy, scheming aunt in their family (connected on facebook) what happened, with some added spice. The fact that his holier than thou Dad is the crux of family gossip over his son's activities is definitely not doing him any good.

Last I know, Dan has been fired, asked to leave his apartment. Dan is terrible with money and has very questionable work ethic and as a result of everything has been forced to leave the city and go back home.

I have changed my personal phone number, gotten a new place and will move soon!!

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: If you have a lease, can your landlord insist on you leaving within 2 weeks?

OOP: Yes, the building corporation laws supercede the rental contract. It's a whole thing, even if it didn't the law here doesn't really care about things like this.

Commenter 2: Why the hell did the building security ask you to come down, when there is a nutter screaming and shouting?

OOP: I'm not a resident, I'm a tenant. So I don't directly contribute to their salary. So who tf cares ?

Commenter 3: Sorry that you lost your apartment. This is the nightmare every woman hopes won't end in something worse. Glad you got revenge on the AH though. Keep safe out there.

Additional Information from OOP

OOP: Addressing a couple of recurring queries and comments:

1. The apartment issue - here, in this country landlords hold all the power. All rental contracts have a clause where either party can leave the premises with a notice of a mutually decided period of time, which is two weeks in my case. Could I have taken a legal route ? Maybe, but the process would be extremely tedious, expensive and long drawn and with a high probability that I'd be harassed even more by the authorities. As for the financial brunt of it, fortunately my work pays for my accomodation and they helped me out. I have informed people there of the situation and fortunately they were extremely helpful. Our company's HR head has shared Dan's profile across her network/connections across the city asking them to not hire him. She's been in the industry for very long and is extremely revered. She's been like a fairy godmother in all of this.

2. The behaviour of the police that I mentioned, is extremely common in my country and unfortunately there aren't enough and easily accessible groups, authorities or non profits that take a stand against the police. There are loads of political loopholes and you don't want to have a target on your back. Sexism and misogyny is extremely deep rooted - the kind of people who'll accuse a woman for staying out late or taking a deserted way home , if they happen to be harassed or assaulted.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Raging-ball-of-fury

I’m either adopted or was switched at birth.

Originally posted to r/AncestryDNA

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post - wayback Apr 1, 2025

I haven’t told anyone but my brother and a cousin about this yet because I might be paranoid?

Story is this:

My maternal grandmother was the first generation to be born in Mexico since her parents came from Okinawa, Japan. My maternal grandfather is black (I don’t know where his paternal family came from) and native to Mexico on his mother’s side.

My paternal grandparents were born in England and grew up in Spain but eventually ended up in Mexico (long story) where my dad was born.

I was born and raised in Mexico, I knew I was indigenous but always believed I was mostly European and Japanese. I am white and a ginger (I die my hair brown tho because of bullying but that’s another story), my friends would even call me “el chino” growing up because they said I looked “Chinese”or “Korean.” So I had never really doubted my ethnicity or my origins.

Anyway, my brother and I took an ancestry and we just got our results back. We share Spanish and Indigenous American blood but he is like 20% Japanese and I got nothing. Not even 1%. I didn’t get any percentage for Ireland and England either but he did.

I am mostly indigenous over 70% and our results say we are not a match… like we are not related at all…

I compared then my results with a cousin on my dad’s side and same thing. It says we are not a match, the only match we got was our grandparents’ names on our family trees. But I am not related to her…..

So yeah, I don’t know if this could be an error or a glitch or something??? Or if it’s possible to not have Japanese and English percentages at all and still be part of my family somehow???? Idk this is the first time I ever take an ancestry test, I might be looking at the wrong places.

I’m not complaining about being mostly Indigenous, I’ve always been proud of being native to these lands. I am just confused as to how I didn’t inherit any Japanese or English blood if my parents’ families came to Mexico not long ago, and how I’m supposedly not related to my own family??? Is it really possible that I was adopted or switched at birth, because oh my gosh where’s the real me then??????

Note: I’ve attached some screenshots with my results and my brother and cousin’s profiles saying we are not a match. I didn’t post their results because I didn’t get their consent to do so. I got consent for posting a picture of me and my brother tho. I think we look alike a lot, i don’t know how we are not related???

Last 2 pictures is just me for reference.

EDITORS NOTE: unable to recover the pictures

RELEVANT COMMENTS

dnairanian

You definitely need to talk to your parents about this. Did you tell your parents you took this test? Did they react at all? I definitely agree that you are either adopted or switched at birth or IVF baby.

Also was your brother English and African as expected or were his results off as well?

OOP

My brother was English, Irish, Japanese, Nigerian, Native to Mexico and Spaniard.

My parents knew about the testing thing because I sent my brother the testing kit to their house and my mom was the one who picked it up. She was excited about knowing our results and my dad even asked me why didn’t I get him a test too. Him and my mom just asked me again yesterday, I told him about my results but not about me not being related to them. They didn’t seem to be suspicious or anything.

~

Spiritual-Can2604

I think switched at birth. You’ve got to get this sorted out. I’m sorry you’re going through this. The nurses saw you probably looked very Asian at birth and got you mixed up w the actual Asian baby bc in their minds how many Asian babies are there being born in Mexican hospitals at one time. They probably weren’t careful.

OOP

Now that would make sense, I consider it a huge possibility. I don’t think I would mind as much being other people’s biological child though, I’m a grown up person with my own family. I think I’m more worried about my parents not knowing where their real baby is, that is if I was really switched at birth and this wasn’t a lab mistake. I don’t wanna know how news like this would affect them.

~

Jenikovista

Could also be a donated embryo (IVF).

OOP

Could be but I find it unlikely, I think I wrote it on another reply before, I am the 5th child out of 6 children my parents had. The kid on the picture with me is my baby brother, he was born 2 years after me. I don’t think my mother had any reproductive issues or even the money to pay for a procedure like that. Although I think I’d rather be a donated embryo than a changeling.

Update Apr 28, 2025

Update on the update about “I was either adopted or switched at birth.”

I couldn’t edit the original post so I’m making a new one.

My mother saw my previous post, she is a member of this sub, I didn’t even know she had a Reddit account. I would like to apologise to her and my family for coming to Reddit before telling any of them and for posting screenshots of her results without consent.

Neither of my parents have any idea how this messed up situation happened, we had a long conversation about all of this and are currently in contact with a search angel in the hopes we find some answers and hopefully the real me (their lost child).

I meant to get some advice here before telling my family about this but life had other plans and they now know. I only posted here to vent and to get an idea on how I should break the news to them, I was never planning on hiding it from my family.

お母さん、心から謝罪する、許してください。

RELEVANT COMMENTS

publiusvaleri_us

Did you ever talk to your classmate who has the same birth date? That would be interesting if they were to take a DNA test.

OOP

I did message him but he hasn’t replied, it’s been over 15 years since I last talked to him, he doesn’t have any recent posts and I was thinking maybe he lost the password for that Facebook account or something? I don’t have any other way to contact him but I’m still looking for profiles to see if he made a new one or something, there are just too many guys named “Kevin” in our hometown.

viv-heart

Reach out to your old classmates - somebody might have his phone number

OOP

I was trying to look for my old classmates too, no luck. He was the only one I had added because he was my buddy back then. I’m terrible with names and it’s also been over a decade, for some of my classmates I only remember last names and for others nick names or first names. I will keep working on that though!

~

torulosa

From my understanding OP doesn’t yet know who their bio parents are, they didn’t have any really close DNA matches and still need help to work it out?

OOP

Yes, but my matches are 5% or less and I can’t contact them because they won’t answer my messages. I’m not exactly sure 100% either how search angels work, if I did I wouldn’t be needing one and I’d do the job myself. But what I get from my chat with them is that they have experience in building family trees based on DNA matches and public records, I was also told they have sometimes had to get court orders to unseal original birth records and stuff.

I hope my explanation makes sense, sorry I don’t have all the information. I am learning as we go.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/my_mom_is_entitled

Originally posted to r/entitledparents

EM is forcing me to marry me cousin to make her a us citizen + 5-year Update

Thanks to u/boringhistoryfan & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: abuse, infidelity, emotional manipulation, alcoholism, overdose, possible human trafficking

Original Post: April 29, 2020

I was going to post this on my main account before I came to my senses. This isn't really a throwaway but more an account ill use to share stories of my entitled family (mom)

Before you call bullshit and start joking around saying Sweet Home Alabama.

Believe me, I wish this was bulshit but unfortunately it's an actual situation I'm facing

We are Dominican, don't know if that changes everything.

I hate that song

I’m 20 and male, Cousin is 19 and female

Spanish was my first language

I have a third cousin in Dominican Republic, they are not well off in that country and her mom is a little neglectful, at this point it feels like my mom cares more about her than me but whatever, she deserves it. She's a good kid who does well in school and wants to move to the US to go to nursing school, she can't however because she isn't a legal citizen.

My mom decided that it would be the best plan for me to go to the Dominican Republic in June or July and marry my third cousin...... To make her legal..... She brought this up a few years ago but I thought she was was joking, apparently she wasn't because recently she brought this plan up again but she actually talking about how she already booked flights for the Dominican Republic and shit.

WTF!?

I'm in a relationship already and my mom literally told me that she doesn't give a fuck about my personal life, all she cares about is going to Dominican Republic and forcing me to marry my cousin.

Thankfully, I talked about the plan with my significant other and they are supportive.

Due to the pandemic and not knowing if it's going to get worse, I think it's safe to say we are not flying out there and but my mom (for some reason) still acts like we are still going.

Basically, I marry her and stay married for a year then we divorce amicably, my mom Pockets any money that's made from this (if any)

When I try to downright refuse this, this was met with screaming, physical anger and threats to kick me out.

I'm afraid to go to any family members because I don't know what's going to happen.

Top Comments

Commenter 1: lol well that wont work she will have to wait 3 years before become legal also there are the fees.

Family Sponsorship Form (I-130) $535

Green Card Application Form (I-485) $1,140

the practice of obtaining residency through marriage is illegal in the United States if the marriage itself is fraudulent.

Commenter 2: Please don't do this, it's immigration fraud and you will be punished.

Commenter 3: You would be committing a felony. Do not due and tell your Mother to back off or you will turn her in for attempts at immigration fraud.

Commenter 4: You need to get away from your mother immediately. Being forced into any marriage against your will is never okay. Your mother also does not know what she is talking about. This will take much longer than a year, green card marriages require regular check-ins to confirm the marriage is real(so say goodbye to your current significant other for the duration) and any immigration is quite expensive.

She will pocket any money made off of this situation? How is she expecting to make money? You understand that if somehow she does, technically it will make your mother a human trafficker.

I want to stress again how much you need to get away. There is the terrible and controlling behavior of forcing you to marry, as well as pushing you into a scheme that could result in serious jail time for those involved and drastically harm the chances of your cousin being able to immigrate in the future.

On a sarcastic note: what’s your mother’s marriage status? Why doesn’t she marry the cousin herself?

EM is forcing me to marry me cousin to make her a us citizen UPDATE: April 28, 2025 (five years later)

I got to say it's a little surreal just watching YouTube and seeing my old post come up in one of those Reddit YouTube videos (yes, it was THAT guy)

It's been 5 years since I made this post and honestly, I was never planning on updating and I forgot about the account until I just saw this YouTube video and was really sympathizing with the writer.... until I realized that I AM the writer.

The original post is still up on my profile but to give a quick summary.

My mom has always been abusive both physically and mentally and has always been very controlling of my life despite me becoming an adult. Things reached a point that I never thought it would when my mom tried to force me to go to the Dominican Republic to marry my cousin so that we could bring her back to the United States so that she could start nursing school.

I logged into this account to see people messaging me for an update and people making up theories lol.

Some said i died, others said i married the cousin and got into legal trouble ect.

If I wrote in detail what has happened in the last years then this post would be a million correctors longs so here is a "Tl;Dr"

Broke up with the girlfriend I was dating in the first story after I found out she was cheating on me.

I never ended up marrying the cousin because i avoided renewing my passport and my mom found another person (in the us) that she was going to try to force me to marry and that fell through as well.

I ended up summoning the strength to start standing up to my mom and she kicked me out of the house summer of 2021.

I ended up moving in with another family member and I turned to drugs and alcohol to help me cope and I overdosed in December of 2021 at age 21 but thankfully I survived. Me and my mom reconciled January of 2022 because of her entering counseling and my OD

I ended up moving back in with my mother so that she could care for me while I got better and she ended up having another freak out and kicked me out again August of 2022 and I ended up having to move to a different state with a discord friend because my mom physically attacked me.

I left all my possessions and everything I knew and loved behind and I was utterly miserable in this new state. No money to my name, and i went days at a time without eating and >! tried to take my own life!< I survived and started working my ass off and found a job.

I then found another unhealthy vice and started my hook ups phase in this new state and ended up dating someone who turned out to be the 2nd most toxic woman imaginable and I'm also a dumbass who doesn't seem to be able to learn their lesson I moved in with my mother yet again in January of 2023.

But this time things actually seem to go Fairly normal for a while (since my mom realized she could use me for money and id let her cuz i was a sucker) I started a career and started making money. Broke up with my now long distance girlfriend and after the breakup she accused me of cheating on her but turns out she's the one that was cheating.

I "swore off relationships for good" and got close to a girl that also "swore off relationships for good" and yup, we ended up dating lol. We celebrated our one year anniversary and after yet another freak out by my mom in January of 2025 (because my girlfriend gave me the reality check to stop letting her use me), me and my girlfriend made the plans to move in together and as of April of 2025 me and her are now living together and I am 800 miles away from my mother and barely call her.

Me and my mom are cordial because I still want contact with my little sister but I only call my mom on my terms and anytime she starts acting entitled to me I cut her off and threaten to go no contact.

I'm now living a peaceful life that I never thought I'd be living before, I'm living with the love of my life and I'm planning on proposing to her soon, I'm being flown all over the country thanks to my career and my partner's family have basically taken me in as one of their own.

I want to take a moment to say thank you to everyone who read and replied to my old post. You guys truly helped me put a lot of things to perspective and it helped me realize what a messed up situation I was living in.

I have tons of stories from events that have happened over the use and stories from my career as a touring musician so lmk if you guys wanna hear some. feels kind of therapeutic writing these.

Thank you guys

Top Comments

Commenter 1: The best ending

Commenter 2: If you had agreed to this fraudulent marriage, your life would have gone to shit too, because that's a federal felony and you would have been found out. Glad your life is back on track now.

Commenter 3: I’m sorry you went through so much but it sounds like your partner is a huge help to you and helps you remember your mom can’t be trusted. I wish you guys all the best! May your future be as bright as your beginning was crummy.

(Also, btdt with that same channel. I knew he’d done my post as he’d featured it when it was pretty fresh, but it’d been a few years since then. I had a playlist on in the background and when the first sentence was read, I was like, “oh hey, this is similar to my story! Neat!” Then a second later, “wait, this is my story!” Gave me a chuckle.)

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/notmyidentity

I'm[28M] a somewhat popular YouTuber. My wife[27F] deleted my recordings because she has never seen my crying and I'm unemotional.

TRIGGER WARNING: death of a pet, talk of physical violence, verbal abuse

Original Post Jan 7, 2015

First of all, please don't ask me who I am and my YouTube alias. I want to keep this anonymous.

Ann and I have been married for 9 months, we've been together for 3 years. Our relationship has been pretty smooth, and I love her to bits. However, we have a big personality clash. We've lived with it in the past but its affected her more than it has affected me. I'm more of a 'keep it all in' guy and I prefer to deal with my issues by myself. She on the other hand, talks about her issues with me, and we work through them together. I've always been a little "cold", maybe steely is a better word. I'm not too emotional, not that its a good or bad thing, its just the way I am.

My wife and I were forced to put down our dog recently. He was my dog before we met but he became a big part of our family. She loved the hell out of that dog, and I did too. When I lived abroad for a year, he kept her company and she was very close to him. So, we came back from the vet, and she was crying all the way. I was feeling really sad but I wasn't really showing it. She asked why I wasn't feeling sad, I told her I was. She started screaming at me for not having feelings, me being inhuman, me being cold, and her being scared of me for that. I told her that I cannot force myself to cry and I was feeling terrible inside.

We get home and she went off about I'm barely human and I'm basically an automaton. She then went on and on about how she has never seen me cry. Not when we had broken up 1 and a half years into our relationship, not when my mother died, not when I was leaving for a year to work abroad. I told her that me crying doesn't solve anything and she should quit bothering me. I went to bed.

Next morning, I wake up and decide to edit some videos I wanted to upload. I work from home and I have one main computer to work from. It has 3 hard drives. The first one is my OS drive the other two have recordings on them. I wake up to find the other two completely wiped. I freak out and irrationally think that it might have been some software or something. I try and see what the cause was, and I can't figure out anything. I had put in so much work recording these videos, so much effort had gone into them. I broke down. I had backed up only the recordings from 2 months ago. I'm sobbing hard and I just feel pathetic. I'd lost so much of my work and I couldn't figure out how. My wife then comes in, sees me. I tell her what happened. She tells me she did it. She wanted to see me cry and didn't know how else to make it happen. She's is happy she got to see that some part of me is human. She tells me it was healthy for me to let my emotions out. I swear to God, that's the first time I have ever wanted to hit her. I would have strangled her. I packed up a few things, laptop, phone, got in the car and told her that I'll call her when I am ready. I'm staying with a buddy of mine right now. And I need to figure this shit out. She was all apologetic and loving when I was leaving and was acting confused. I feel nothing but hatred towards her right now, but I need to be tactful in handling this situation right now. Help me figure it out ?

tl;dr: I'm a YouTuber. My wife deleted my recordings from the last 2 months because she had never seen me cry and wanted me to "let out my emotions". I kinda want to kill her right now. I want to know how to confront her.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

This is funny as hell, OP, but if it actually happened I would say that is grounds for a divorce, ESPECIALLY if you make a living from youtube. That's a really childish and stupid way to handle her perception that you lacked emotion.

OOP

I'm not kidding here. This is something terrible that's happened and it came out of the blue. I didn't expect her to do something as crazy as this.

~

ibby_be

This is all sorts of fucked up.

Sorry OP, but she went about this all the wrong way and acted like she was 13. Seems a bit sadistic. You two definitely need counseling to recover from this.

OOP

Right now, before I even think of saving my marriage, I want to know how to go about confronting her about this. I'm going to take a few days to cool off, because I'm mad to the point of physical violence right now. That's why I immediately left as soon as she told me.

anjufordinner

	If you would hit your wife over Youtube, and you're crying over YouTube more than you did your dog or mother, maybe you both are better off divorcing... Or someone who knows that is where your priorities lie and won't touch the work you do.

~

[deleted]

You confront her by saying "Do you have any feelings about a divorce? Go ahead, let them all out! It's healthy for you."

It's not about videos. It's about the absolutely ridiculous worldview she has. If you fall down and break your leg, will she keep hitting it until you show the amount of pain she feels is right? I wouldn't trust her with my property, my feelings, or my future. And if I can't trust my spouse, there's no point to the marriage

OOP

texted her

I received a text : "How're you feeling ?"

I'm pissed so I texted her : "Hey. Do you have any feelings about a divorce? Go ahead, let them all out! It's healthy for you".

Her response : "Baby I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to do that. Leo died and I guess it was just too hard on me. I love you so much and I know what I did was terrible. Please forgive me and come home. I miss you. Let's just talk this through."

Leo was our dog

Another text : "Please don't do anything rash. We just got married. Why divorce ? We have our entire lives ahead of us. Please don't let one mistake of mine ruin that future. I love you. I'm sorry. Please come home. Or at least tell me where you are."

Update Jan 12, 2015 (5 days later)

A LOT has happened. I'm not going to cover all the events of the past few days, but here's the most important stuff.

Data - I had a friend hook me up to a local store that specialises in this. Proper recovery is expensive but they said that since no data is rewritten, its possible. Waiting to hear from them tomorrow.

Divorce - I decided that I'm not going to ask for a divorce. What happened was bad, but not divorce-worthy. I want to give this a chance.

Wife - I went back to her. She was crying. It looked like she had been for a long time. I went in and she hugged me and cried even more, apologising profusely. When she got a little more stable, we talked. She started by saying that she understood how badly she fucked up. She said that I am well warranted to ask for a divorce. However, she said that she will never pull shit like this again and that she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life in regret. She begged me for one last chance. Having had a wonderful relationship before this, I decided that I wanted to give her another chance. I asked her to explain why she did what she did. She said that, first, Leo's death really got to her. Second, she confessed that she always felt like the weaker one in the relationship. She felt completely alone when she cried. I made a mental note to comfort her better when she's a little emotional. But she said that she understood right now. And she said that she felt terrible to engage in such power play, and that she understood that we're just different people. She told me she really regretted her actions and wanted one chance to make it up to me.

Thanks for your help and suggestions.

NOTE : The comments I made in the previous post - well, I was PISSED, really really angry, and also drunk. I thought about matters the next day and then took action.

I can't believe I forgot to put this in. Marriage Counselling - We're getting an appointment to get through this issue.

tl;dr: confronted wife rationally and we talked about the issue.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/Ok-Hospital1153 in r/advice and r/CollegeRant. Credit to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for finding this one.

trigger warnings: Abuse of authority

Professor has been secretly docking points anytime he sees someone’s phone out. Dozens of us are now at risk of failing just because we kept our phones on our desk, and I might lose the job I have lined up for when I graduate. Also posted to CollegeRant April 12 2025

My professor recently revealed that he’s been docking points any time he sees anyone with their cell phone out during the lecture–even if it's just lying on their desk and they’re not using it. He’s docked more than 20 points from me alone, and I don’t even text during lectures. I just keep my phone, face down, on my desk out of habit. It's late in the semester and I'm at risk of failing this class, having to pay thousands of dollars that I can’t afford for another semester, and lose the job I have lined up for when I graduate.

I talked to him and he just smiled and referred me to a single sentence buried in the five-page syllabus that says “cell phones should not be visible during lectures.” He’s never called attention to it, or said anything about the rule. He looked so smug, like he’d just won a court case instead of just screwing a random struggling college kid with a contrived loophole.

So far I’ve (1) tried speaking to the professor, (2) tried submitting a complaint through my school’s grade appeal system. It was denied without explanation and there doesn’t seem to be a way to appeal, and (3) tried speaking with the department head, but he didn’t seem to care - literally just said “that’s why it’s important to read the syllabus.”

I feel like I’m out of options and I don't know what to do.

Some comments and replies for additional context

[Commentator] He might just be trying to scare you and has no intention of actually deducting the points. Have you spoke to anyone that previously took his class?

OP:

Yes actually. It came to light that this is a trap he pulls some semesters. Some people knew about it through word of mouth and were careful. I just didn't get the memo. Neither did a bunch of other kids in my class, and we're all in shock. He's serious about docking the points.

[Commentator 2] Did the syllabus even say anything about docking points for it?

I looked. The syllabus says he retains discretion to adjust anyone's grade in light of any infraction.

EDIT: to clarify, unfortunately the “infraction” is referring to having your phone out as well as a number of other things listed in the same paragraph (like not doing the readings, etc.). To me, it just read like a boiler plate paragraph in the middle of a long syllabus. I never thought he’d enforce it so rigidly and harshly, so I didn’t even register that just having my phone on my desk could have even been an “infraction”

[Commentator 3 in reply to a deleted comment] Professor here. Nah, go see thr dean in person, and encourage others to go as well.

Professor here. Nah, go see thr dean in person, and encourage others to go as well.

I’ve tried. There’s no ability to meet in person with the dean. The department head is as high as I can just walk in and meet with as far as I can tell.

UPDATE: April 26 2025 Post was removed but recovered by DC

I couldn't believe how much my original post blew up, and I implemented much of the advice I got. Now I'm at a crossroads.

Background: The original post is here. For those who didn’t see it, the TLDR is that my professor was secretly docking points from students any time their phone was visible during class, based on a single sentence buried in the syllabus. I just had my phone resting on my desk facedown (not using it) and he docked more than 20 points from me because it was "visible." The consensus here was to escalate the issue, and the advice I got was great. Things were on track until yesterday. Here’s the update:

Update: After I read everyone’s feedback, I emailed the dean and the school newspaper. No response. I know that at least two other students in my class tried emailing the dean as well, without any luck. But I ran the math and I’m guaranteed to fail the class if the deductions stand. I have nothing to lose.

So I wrote a petition. No one has taken this seriously coming from us individually, so I think it’s important to show that it’s not just a couple disgruntled college kids whining about a bad grade. My plan, if I can get signatures, is to send the petition to the dean and school newspaper.

I hit a small snag when I reached out to five classmates that I trust about signing the petition to get the ball rolling. They all thought it was a great idea …but didn’t feel comfortable being the first people to sign. So to get around that, someone in the last thread suggested using a website (bopetition.com) that lets me make it so that signatures start out anonymous, but then un-anonymize when enough other people sign. That way no one has to be the “first” person to sign.

But here’s where I hit a major snag–yesterday, as I was getting ready to send the petition out, my professor sent us all an email attaching an “Amended Syllabus.” The amended syllabus is exactly the same except now has a paragraph which says: “All grade disputes must be raised exclusively through [grade appeal system]. Any attempt to dispute a grade through alternative channels, including but not limited to direct outreach to faculty other than [professor’s name] will result in an automatic failing final grade of zero percent, without exception.”

Welp. I thought that was the end of it. No one would be interested in signing after that.

Surprisingly, three of the people I spoke with independently messaged me asking if I was still going through with the petition, and promised that they would sign if I did. They’re PISSED. They think this new policy is retaliatory. And then, three OTHER people I hadn’t even talked to about this reached out and said they heard that I was planning to send a petition, and would sign if I sent it. They think a bunch of others would too. They wouldn’t tell me who they heard about the petition from, but the cats are out of the bag now. I'm not sure exactly how many others have had their grade docked because of the phone policy, but from asking around it seems like at least half the class had some kind of deduction.

Now I have to decide how to proceed in light of the update to the syllabus. I’m considering going through with the petition, but having the app make it fully anonymous so we have some plausible deniability. The final result would only say that ## out of the 50 people in the class signed, but not who

[Relevant Comment Chain]

[Commentator 1] Okay so I’ve been teaching in higher ed for about 10 years now and it seems to me like this professor is trying to get out of actually doing his job? It’s unethical as hell to be playing with people’s lives and docking points without having been upfront about it. That’s just not the kind of thing I would ever do, but the biggest red flag for me is that we’re basically at the end of the semester which means he’s anticipating a bunch of people trying to dispute the grades at once. If he can give a bunch of you a failing grade because of a policy like this, he doesn’t have to sit down and actually do much grading then.

That’s the impression I’m getting, but I do also want to tell you that I didn’t see this as “whining”. GPAs can really affect your ability to engage in some forms of professional development. I got a bad grade in one class during my undergrad and my GPA never recovered. I had to explain why my GPA was under a 3.0 when I applied to grad school because of it so I have always taken grading really seriously. I’m sorry this jerk hasn’t.

[Commentator 2] OP has gotten dragged in every other sub they've posted in, so I'm glad another person in higher ed agrees with him. I've been teaching in higher ed FT for about 10 years, and been adjuncting or student teaching since 2006. In my experience, a policy like this absolutely would not fly, especially considering how vague the penalties were. Hell, we've been told not to even restrict technology in our classes because so many students have accommodations for note taking software, recording lectures, etc. Allowing a student to use their accommodations while no one else has them essentially outs them as having accommodations.

This new policy the professor is trying to implement is clearly retaliatory. I've seen professors disciplined over crap like this too. He's trying to make the students too afraid to question him and it's a complete abuse of his authority.

OP

Thanks for this, lol. I was surprised by how rule and punishment oriented the college subs are.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

STATUS: Marked as concluded as user is deleted.

CONTENT WARNINGS: Sexual Abuse, Grooming

MOOD WARNINGS: Infuriating in the comments AITAH For Refusing to met the Biological Child I Do Not Claim - Posted March 13th 2025

When I (28M) was 16 I was groomed later SAed (by today's standards) by my manger 23F at the time. She had gotten pregnant. Now that child has reached out to me. It has gotten to the point that they are stalking me online. The mother contacted my girlfriend who is rightfully upset. It feels like they took away our safety. I have become paranoid in public. Everyone that I talked to about this including my boss since he noticed my work has been slacking, has told me that I own this child a meeting. That every child has the right to know who their parents are. I disagree. I wanted nothing to do with that child when I was 16 and still do not want to be involved. My girlfriend thinks if I met him all this would be over. I think they will want more from me. I feel like this makes me an AH since I also never financially provided and most likely won't. I want this to stop.

Update: To start I was not and still am not on the right headspace to revisit trauma that occurred 12 years ago. I also know that there are freaks who only want more details about the SA/Rape to wank off to.

To clarify I grew up in a Catholic household the 4th child out of 12. Being born a male meant at 16 it was required by my parents that I get a job to help financially put food on the table. At 16 we (siblings) were taught "abstinence until marriage". That any sexual act violates our body and breaks the trust and bond towards our future spouse in the eyes of God (which is why I never proposed to my girlfriend). We were never taught to not trust adults. Our parents failed to teach us consent, power dynamics, and grooming tactics. I was a prime target.

The grooming started with attention I liked as I didn't get it from home. Positive affirmations about my work. Soon there were friendly lunches. I mean to me at 16 we were "friends" eating lunch together. Nothing strange. She gifted me clothing that is when I felt uncomfortable. The clothes stayed in my closet until one of my siblings started wearing them. Nobody in my household questioned where the clothes came from. I tried to make excuses as to why I couldn't be alone with her, "I have too much work right now." Eventually she called me into her office and asked if I knew the age of consent. I didn't. 16 is the answer. She admitted to being attracted to me. That if I was to keep being a man and providing for my family I would do as she instructed. I didn't say no or fight back. I was scared of losing my job. I was terrified of my parents finding out. I blamed myself for having my virginity stolen.

We now know that cases of SA and rape are difficult to prosecute. The victim's testimony is what matters the most. I was a male so I had that against me. I didn't fight back or say no. Clearly that means I wanted it, right? I wanted to brag to my peers ( what peers? My siblings? Other children that attended the church?) about bagging some hot 23 year old that I worked for? Society 12 years ago viewed male victims differently than they do now.

The guilt of sinning had eaten at me. I went to confession and told everything. I was told by the church to remain hushed. I was silent for 12 years. Now my parents know and they resent me for denying them a relationship with their grandchild. My siblings want to stay away from their children. I asked my girlfriend for space so she isn't a casualty in my shit trauma. My boss reached out and apologized for what he had said in the moment. He thought about it and realized that he may have negativity affected me. He also offered to pay for my mental health care at the really nice facility he found that specializes in rape trauma. He reassured me that my job with his company is secured. I may take his offer. Reading some of these comments I realized that I am not okay.

I also reached out to my cousin's wife (divorce lawyer) she says if I take any legal action the outcome may not be what anyone wants. The word would get out and that child will also be known as having a child rapist for a mother along with a dad who left them. She is preparing medical records to send over and a verbal warning about the online stalking. I don't know who is behind the screen. A tech savvy 11-12 year old wanting answers or her using this opportunity to victimize me again. Either way no matter what I choose I will be considered an AH with trauma and that child will have some sort of trauma as well.

TOP COMMENT - POSTED SAME DAY AS POST

OP, this comment section is a mixed bag.

Here's my take: Lockdown your entire online persona.

Every single account. Set them all to private/friends only. Comb through your friends list and followers, remove anyone you do not know personally.

You want to have your entire online presence be that of a silhouette. There, but difficult to see the details of.

Make it as hard as possible for them to see any details about you, except for your name.

I remember how it felt.

Edit: Thank you for the awards and upvotes, everyone!

BOTTOM COMMENT - POSTED SAME DAY AS POST

Legally. Nope Morally. Kinda the AH Ethically. YTAH. She has destroyed two lives. The child is looking for guidance into becoming a man.

You don’t have to bond with him. Do need to get a medical history put together. For the purpose of questions later in life. Also you would not have to worry about future interactions.

Have they contacted your parents?!

This is a tough one. My suggestion is to FaceTime the first meeting gauge from there. Video call can be terminated quickly.

Wish you luck dude.

Update: Refuse to Meet Child I don't Claim - Posted April 22nd 2025

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/BGHbZf7523

The support I have received on my post was overwhelming. To find out that this post has been shared to FB, TikTok, and other media sites has me feeling so grateful. No words can describe how the comments helped heal that damaged 16 year old. I had read some of the most beautiful replies from a variety of individuals. Mothers, fathers, grandparents, expressing how much they wished they could have hugged and comforted me, since my parents and other adults in my life had failed me. Victims/survivors sharing their experience and relating to how I felt offering comfort and advice. To lawyers explaining what steps I can take legally to protect myself. I have no words to describe the gratitude. Thank you everyone for the support.

The most important part of this update is yes the mandatory DNA test confirmed that child is biologically mine. Since another man had legally adopted him, I am not obligated to pay child support. I also have a cease and desist order in place. My lawyer handed over my medical history.

As for my personal life I had more downs than ups. Starting with having to check out of the facility so the company I work for doesn't fall behind. The temp that was hired cannot keep up with the workload and the option was to take my job back or be hired to a different position for the company at a later date. I still attend therapy sessions and found a therapist that I trust.

My girlfriend is now an ex. She ended the relationship since she couldn't watch me self destruck. I don't blame her. She is doing well and her new boyfriend treats her great. I wish them the best.

Since she left I was able to downgrade my two bedroom to a one bedroom. The apartment manager was very helpful and understanding. He even waived the pet fee since I also got a dog. She was found around the office and became the office dog before I took her home. We named her Tuna Can and she is always welcome at the office for work. I am happy to have her as my companion.

This is the more rough part of the update. My mother took it upon herself to trick me into seeing her at a restaurant which she happened to invite the child to. I walked out. I made it clear in my letter that I sent with my medical history that I didn't want a relationship and listed my reasons. I explained that his existence is my trauma. I stated that I was not his dad and I choose not to be. The man who adopted him is and he's doing a great job. Since she did this I cut my parents from my life. I do not need toxicity while I work on my mental and spiritual health.

TOP COMMENT - POSTED SAME DAY AS POST

Your mom’s a real piece of work, you made the right choice cutting her out after that stunt.

Best of luck to you with navigating this situation

BOTTOM COMMENT - POSTED SAME DAY AS POST

I'm going to take a different approach. While your mom was a piece of work manipulating you into seeing your biological child, and while you may not want a relationship... Maybe your child does. Step father may be nice but you're bio dad.

How many TV shows are there where adult kids try to find the parent that gave them up just looking for answers. Maybe instead of cutting it off completely you go to therapy and consider how to address the child you gave up, and what happens if when they are older THEY seek you out.

Change your perspective and think of the kid a little.

POST HAS BEEN MARKED AS COMPLETED AS THE USER HAS BEEN DELETED.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/RichVictory2741

My new boyfriend follows Andrew Tate, should I worry?

No TWs

Original Post April 19, 2025

So I’ve been dating this guy (26m) for about a month now, and it’s starting to become serious between us. He is such a sweet guy, I haven’t noticed any red flags - and I’m normally very hyper vigilant to such.

The other night we were both scrolling through reels on our phones, and I see a couple of Andrew Tate videos pop up on his for you page. So I ask him if he likes Tate, he didn’t really give a straightforward answer - but while discussing, he says something like “Tate is kinda misunderstood, and if you watch his full discussions with women etc. you would view him in a different light” But idk, I must confess I don’t really know that much about him, but from what I’ve heard he’s basically a walking red flag.

I know my boyfriend likes boxing, and that’s probably partly why he’s interested. I should also mention that my bf was raised in a female dominated home and is a little mamas boy, and loves his sisters very much too! He’s never spoken disrespectfully about any women and is very gentle and mindful of me!

So should I be worried?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

luluzinhacs

INFO

how long have you met this guy for? honestly, saying a human trafficker and rapist is misunderstood is inexcusable in my eyes

....

but the thing is, you do NOT know your boyfriend

it baffles me you two are seriously dating after knowing each other for a month, but that aside, you need to realize that you can’t possibly know anyone in a period of time this short

OP, how old are you? I just realized you didn’t say and this could explain a lot

OOP

only known him for about a month, so not that long. He just really doesn’t seem like the type - and I should maybe clarify, that I don’t think he meant Tate himself was misunderstood but some of his viewpoint. From knowing my bf, I can’t imagine he would in any way agree to abuse of women.. it’s very confusing

...

That is true, and I know it has become serious very quickly! I am usually very hypersensitive to any warning signs when I start dating someone new, and quick to leave if - because of my past.. and he has been the first one I’ve felt comfortable and safe around in a long time:// So I really thought I picked right this time

~

Additional_Yak8332

Are you comfortable revealing your age? It might help us understand.

Also, check out limerence. It's where your relationship is right now - understandable but not realistic.

OOP

I’m 24:) that’s an interesting theory, I will do some more reading into it!

Update 1 April 22, 2025 (3 days later)

Posting it here as I couldn’t post in the sub

First of all I wanna thank everyone who messaged me! I promised some to give an update, and I also wanna clarify some misunderstandings in my last post!

English is my second language so some words were used in lack of better, like bf. It is still very unofficial between us, so ‘potential bf’ might have been the right word. Also a lot of you were hung up on the phrase “Tate is misunderstood”, i wanna clarify that I never said that he said those words exact - just that it was something like that.

I met with my (not) Bf Yesterday, and we had a long talk. I asked him what he meant about Tate being ‘misunderstood’ to which he said that “a big part of what we see is just media stunts and rage bait, but that he is not always that outrageous”, then he showed me some of the videos he’s watched. It was mostly about boxing and some motivational speeches about how a man can thrive in our society. I will confess that even though I don’t like Tate, some of his points did make a lot of sense.

We spoke about the allegations against Tate, and he said that he didn’t want to judge someone based on rumors - so I of course showed him the video you guys messaged me, of Tate being violent towards a woman. He was shocked by it and said “if that’s really him, then fuck Tate” We ended up talking about everything and nothing for hours, it was really nice!

Communication really was the key, and I’m glad I didn’t let some of the comments scare me away! The world isn’t black and white after all, and liking Tate might seem ignorant but it doesn’t necessarily equal to being a misogynist! I feel like I have learned a lot from this situation and I hope that by sharing it, it could benefit someone else!

Thanks again for all the advice and support!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

AssociateBusiness670

Yikes. I just want to say he knew that Tate had allegations and still thought that was a good person to take advice from. Good luck girl I’m sure you will need it! 😅

Edit: Actually this almost just screams it was written by a man because of the end paragraph… “liking Andrew tate doesn’t mean you are a misogynist…” when talking about supporting someone who beats and sex traffics women.. just odd if that’s real

~

Violetlemonbug

You've only been seeing this guy for a month. You do not really know him. I would tread VERY carefully if you are deciding to keep him in your life.

OOP

Trust me I am, and if I notice even the slightest bit of misogyny from HIM, he’ll get blocked immediately. Don’t care if we are 3 months or 5 years in

I know some will say that he’s already showing signs because of having seen some of Tates videos. But there’s also people driving teslas with stickers saying “f*** Elon”

So I’ll make the decision based on his actions and not his watchlist

Mini update in the comments (April 27, 2025)

OOP

So I think u all will be happy to know I’ve blocked him completely

Odd_Variation_8

What happened in between?

OOP

I saw some signs that I felt was a red flag, and I felt that was all I needed to see

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My mom (F48) is trying to force me (M17) to fly to another state and take a pre job drug test for my brother (22)

TRIGGER WARNING: emotional abuse and manipulation, child abuse, drug use

MOOD SPOILER: Depressing

Original Post Oct 2, 2015

To be honest I have done this in the past. I have taken pre hire drug tests for him. I hated doing it but I did it. We look enough alike on his DL that we pull it off and people at those clinics are more busy making sure you don't sneak something in your pants than with ID pic.

My brother asked me first cause he knew he was going to apply a couple of months ago. I said no and told him to get clean and he got pissed at me. Then got my mom to take his side and here we are.

I hate doing this cause I hate that I'm doing something illegal and I hate that my brother won't stop smoking weed long enough to get a good job. I have nothing against weed, I just don't smoke. I hate how lazy and irresponsible he is.

I would have to fly out and miss some school. But my mom is threatening to revoke my work permit. I work at a burger place part time. I love my job but I can only keep it if my GPA stays high and my mom and my guidance counselor sign a permission slip.

Don't want to do anything illegal anymore, don't want to keep bailing out my brother, I hate doing this period. My mom also threatened to kick me out of the house but I think that one is a bluff. I would have to fly out Sunday and I have a big chemistry test on Monday.

I feel like I have no way out, this sucks. Let me know if any good ideas come to mind to help me do the best thing.

tl:Dr my mother is strong arming me to take a drug test so my pot head brother can get a really good job.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Mr_Julez

Just tell them you smoked weed.

OOP

Didn't think of this. My mom would probably drug test me to check cause we've been fighting over this. I should've thought of this sooner. Damn. Thanks this would have been genius.

i_fucked_Jenny_too

This looks like the best option, since she doesn't seem to give a shit if the other brother does it.

OOP

Nah she never cared he did anything. But if I get a B instead of an A all hell breaks loose. I get grounded, lose my laptop, and not TV and no friends. Doesn't seem balanced

OOP on how he has faked tests for the brother in the past

They never let me go alone. He always walks in with me to make sure I don't chicken out. Then when they call his name he puts a magazine over his face or just bends down and looks at his phone. Great idea though so thank you.

&

But can't I go to jail or suffer some legal consequences if I get caught trying? I don't want to loose my scholarships or even my acceptance to my future college.

OOP on how his mom can revoke his work permit

The high school I attend has to give you a work permit in order to get a part time job, or nobody will hire you without it. But the rules are that you have to maintain a high GPA, and your parents have to sign a consent form. Once you have all that your guidance counselor will give final approval. Those are the rules. So my mom can go to my counselor at any time and say she no longer contents to me working. She can say anything from behavior problems at home, to I need more time for homework and family, anything. That would be it. They revoke my work permit and I get fired.

Update Nov 22, 2015 (6 weeks later)

It didn't go too well for me. My mom dropped me at the airport. I didn't get on the plane. I just sat there when when they called for my plane to board. The airline lady asked me if I wanted to board cause she saw I was the only one left in the waiting area. I felt scared I'm not gonna lie. That was the hardest moment of my life by far. The shit hit the fan when my brother found out I wasn't getting off the plane that night he went to pick me up at the airport. My mom called and called until finally she just texted me to not come home.

I spent the night at the airport and I took the bus to school on that monday. I took my chemistry test and totally bombed it. I got a C and wish I go have a do over on that cause I know all that stuff. I don't know what happened there.

I got fired from my job cause my mom revoked my permission slip to work. I spoke to my boss but there was nothing he could do to keep me working for him. He said he respects me and that he would hire me when I'm 18 but nothing he can do now.

I don't live at home anymore I got kicked out. That whole thing is was bad. My self esteem is in the dumps cause I don't like staying at my friend's house where I stay now. Sometimes I think that all I had to do was take the stupid drug test and everything would be fine now.

Thanksgiving is coming and it's weird not having a place or a family to have that holiday with. I thought it would all blow over by now but it hasn't. My mom is more angry about this than I thought. She moved and rented another house so my old house is done. To me it makes a difference.

Honestly I would love to say hey I did the right thing and it's all good. But it's not that easy. I'm lost for now at least. I don't know how to move on without a home to go home to. I have to confess that I wish my mom would call me and tell me I was right. It's just not that easy to just leave your family behind.

So anyway. I don't know what else to say. I have my clothes, and my books, and my school stuff. I'll finish off the year. I'm wishing time will fly by and I can start college and just try to move on. Sometimes I feel like I made a mountain out of a mole hill. I fucked everything up. But I can't wait to have kids so I can help them do the right things without punishing them. That's the one thing I can know I will for sure do when I have kids. For now things suck and their hard. Being kind of homeless sucks. Staying at somebody else's house is not the same as having your own bed.

tl;dr: I didn't do it. I stay at my friend's house but it's not the greatest place ever. Life goes on.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

goldt33f

OP, you're going to look back on this event in a few years and be SO FUCKING PROUD of yourself for not having gone through with this illegal-as-fuck request from your mom and brother. Not only that, it is a blessing in a way because you know how little these people care about you (they literally couldn't give 2 fucking shits about you), and you don't need to feel bad or give a shit either.

You say that you wish time flew by so you could go to college, so I'm assuming that you ARE admitted somewhere and will be going. This will be a tough year for you, but I'm hoping college will be a helpful experience and that you can find support and good friends there. I promise, it will all get better!

OOP

I have been admitted to the school I want to go to. So the sooner that day comes the better for me and the easier things will be.

~

dinosaur_train

I've also been on my own since I was a teenager. While things suck ass, I promise, you are so much better off finding out the truth about your family now. It doesn't seem like it while you are a minor and vulnerable. But, trust me, it is true. This temporary hardship is miles better than years of bullshit which your mom would have hung around your neck.

In the meantime, perhaps you could see an attorney and find out what your rights are about suing for child support, for yourself, and being illegally evicted (if that's the case).

OOP

I dont' know. I can't afford an attorney and I don't think I want one either. As messed up as my mom is I have no desire to make things worse for her in the long run. I will handle whatever comes to me. I don't think she could handle what comes to her if I make legal trouble.

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My wife returned from a work retreat with a hickey. She swears it’s a bug bite but I’m not convinced. I’m at loss. How do I move forward?

OOP Originally posted to r/Marriage & r/relationship_advice

BoRU 1 BoRU 2 BoRU 3 BoRU 4

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, child neglect

MOOD SPOILER: grim

Thanks to u/funsizerads & u/Creepy_Addict for suggesting this BoRU

Thanks to u/Bonanza86 u/Choice_Evidence83 & u/EyeGlad3032 for letting me know this updated

Original Post Feb 21, 2025

I’m (27M) in a fight with my wife (28F). We’ve had fights before but not this bad. I’m at a loss on how to proceed.

For context, we’re college sweethearts married for almost 6 years. We have a daughter (4F). Our relationship was never perfect or without challenges.

We’ve faced some family opposition with cultural differences, but we’ve made it work. She’s my first love and my best friend.

My wife works in corporate. Her job has annual work retreats that last for about a week. This year was in Vegas.

I usually arrange my work schedule and tag along with her, and we make our own trip out of it.

We couldn’t this year. Our daughter gets major anxiety traveling long distances. We’re working on it but she wasn’t budging, and we decided to choose our battles.

So I stood behind and held down the fort at home. The change of plans was a bummer because the trip was part of us reconnecting as both a couple and as a family.

My wife’s work hours have taken a toll, and her work/life balance leaves much to be desired.

We entertained the idea of her skipping the retreat. Attendance is optional, but it’s generally frowned upon if you don’t, and my wife’s making connections in her field.

She grew increasingly weird. We have a system if either of us is away for extended periods. We keep in contact.

For the first day or so, she was herself, but she grew distant. I’d even text her about important stuff and be left on read while she claimed she never saw my text.

Whenever we talked, she was rushing me or our daughter off the phone. These were all times she wasn’t involved in retreat activities.

We were supposed to have a mini birthday celebration for our daughter over FaceTime.

Our daughter was excited. It was something my wife promised her because the retreat overlapped her actual birthday.

But my wife backed out because she had people up to her room after a seminar.

It was like she wanted my permission to break her promise to our daughter. I told her I wasn’t offering that nor making her keep her word.

She said I wasn’t being fair, and this was a networking opportunity. They were business-oriented and wouldn’t understand her stepping away for family time.

I said her decision is her decision, but she’d have to explain it to our daughter. She promised her that she’d raincheck the following day.

Our daughter didn’t understand and cried. My wife ended up hanging up and leaving me to comfort our daughter alone.

That whole incident rubbed me the wrong way. I didn’t like it. She didn’t keep her word for the rain check either.

She was documenting the retreat on social media. One coworker (23M) was almost in every pic/video attached to her hip. In one pic he had his arm too comfortably around her imo.

He’s a recent hire in my wife’s department. She was asked to oversee him. I don’t like the guy. He doesn’t know boundaries.

Once, in response to a work assignment, he texted my wife that she’s exactly the kind of woman he needs to keep him in check.

My wife had brushed it off. She feels bad for him because he’s not fitting in. She took him under her wing during his first retreat with the team.

If I’d questioned, she’d say she was tired or networking. There was always something. But I’ve seen her at these retreats. This wasn’t like her. She was just off.

The day before her return home, she complained about a bruise on her neck. She stressed it was a bug bite.

I didn’t actually see the bruise until she came home. I instantly thought it was a full-on hickey.

She kinda brushed it off after making a big deal of it over the phone. I didn’t push because our daughter was present.

But when I was able to confront her, she clung to her bug bite claim. When I kept pushing, she asked what I was trying to imply.

I outright said I believed she had a hickey, and I didn’t believe she was being honest with me. We had it out then.

She was offended and pissed at the accusation. Infidelity has always been a sore topic. Her family has a history of infidelity.

So we had a pretty bad fight, and she accused me of looking to pick a fight due to the incident with our daughter’s birthday.

I told her it had nothing to do with that and everything to do with a hickey on her neck.

The fight ended in an impasse. We’re still not recovered. She swears it’s a bug bite. But I’m not convinced.

I’ve always trusted my wife. I never doubted her, but this bruise doesn’t look like a bug bite. It looks like a hickey.

I only feel more strongly when I consider how distant and weird she was during the Vegas retreat.

Now she’s wearing turtlenecks ever since, and we’re caught between arguing and her dousing our daughter and me with affection.

Communication usually prevails for us, but not now. I think my accusation pushed us to a new level of argument.

I’m at a loss here. I really need outside perspectives. How do I move forward?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

futbol10fan

I’m not saying it’s impossible but I’ve never gotten a bug bite that looked like a hickey. Did she show you her phone or provide any proof that could support her innocence or just dismiss you? The extra affection is a common move from guilt-ridden cheaters. Even if we stretch the imagination and believe it is a big bite, she wasn’t acting trustworthy nor was she a good mother while the was in Vegas and she needs to address and correct that.

OOP

No, I haven’t had access to her phone. We usually have an open phone policy but it’s not something we’ve ever really done. I’m sure it’ll be another argument

~

Japetchy

Why did you go on work trips with her in the past? Did she want you to, or did you not want her to go alone. What is (and why is it necessary to have) the system when one of you is away? Whose idea was the FaceTime birthday celebration? Did she not talk to the daughter at all on her birthday or just couldn’t do the FaceTime celebration?

OOP

Work/life balance was an issue, so she’d invite me on the retreats. The system is for an extended periods away from each other like how long the retreat was. Especially since we have a child now

The birthday FaceTime was my wife’s idea. She promised our daughter and got her excited about it. No, she didn’t talk with our daughter until she was calling to cancel. That’s another reason the birthday stunt rubbed me the wrong way

OOP responding to a deleted comment

Yeah, you don’t get to disconnect from being a parent, especially to a minor, for extended holidays. You certainly don’t ghost them on their birthday and when you promised to do something special for them and got the child excited about it or hang up on them while they’re crying

I’m not insecure. My wife’s gone on the retreats before. We both work outside the home and have the caring for our daughter. So it’s not an imbalance. My wife’s work/life balance is out of sorts. She’s in the company of other adults plenty

I’ve been with my wife on these retreats and other social events. I know how she is. She was off this entire trip nor was it appreciated her entertaining a coworker, who ignores boundaries, having his arm wrapped around her waist like he was claiming her or something

I trusted her when she said she had a bug bite. I got things to help her treat it for when returned. It was only after I saw the bruise in person that there was no mistaking it was a hickey for me, and I questioned her on it

Update Feb 28, 2025 (7 days later)

I (27M) wanted to give an update and thank everyone who reached out. The outside perspectives helped.

Things are a rollercoaster. I’m trying to process. It took a while for my wife (28F) and me to have any real conversation about the bruise on her neck.

We were stuck between arguing and her showering our daughter (4F) and me with affection.

I rarely saw the bruise because she was turtlenecked up. But I did note the healing process from reddish purple to yellow.

There wasn’t any more discussion about the Vegas retreat. She made it clear she was done talking about it and that she shouldn’t need to defend herself to her husband.

I told her she could do whatever she wanted, but I was done being treated like an idiot, and I wasn’t sharing a bed with someone I couldn’t trust.

So I moved into the guest room. Communication stopped. The silences were palpable. Even our daughter noticed. I’m not proud of that. I try keeping her out of fights.

My wife came to the guest room one night and asked if we could talk. I could tell she’d been crying.

She said she hated the way things were between us. She felt she was losing me either way.

I told her I needed complete honesty. She confessed she hooked up with that coworker (23M) on our daughter’s birthday. The hickey was from him.

She was lost in the heat of the moment and didn’t realize he was sucking so hard on her neck.

By her account, they made out while doing some on top of the clothes stuff and then he went down on her.

It stopped there because he called her by a nickname that I affectionately call her. It snapped her back to the reality of her actions.

She went to splash water on her face and saw the hickey. The guy made light of it and made a joke about the hickey being her souvenir. She blew up on him and kicked him out of her suite.

Part of the reason she was avoiding me was out of guilt. She said she’s coming clean because she doesn’t want to hide things anymore.

I asked her why she cheated. What was it about that guy she deemed worth risking everything?

She claimed it wasn’t him specifically, nor is she unhappy with our marriage. She doesn’t really know how to explain it, but a part of her feels broken.

The more she looks in the mirror, the more she sees her dad (57M). A cycle of being consumed with work, distant from child, and the infidelity he put her mom (55F) through.

She said her family never talked about anything openly and how when she was growing up, my MIL never addressed anything with her.

I said her parents didn’t make her cheat. She chose to party up with a guy who constantly disrespected our relationship. These were all her decisions, and she at any point could’ve chosen our family.

She agreed. She wants to blame her parents but realizes this is on her. She apologized for cheating and for entertaining the guy’s advances.

She said she’ll do whatever it takes to repair. Go to HR, quit her job, counseling, anything. She wants to make everything right.

I told her I don’t know what right looks like or if that’s possible for us anymore. I knew we had our problems, but I thought there wasn’t anything we couldn’t talk out.

She insisted we still could talk it out. We didn’t have to give up on us. She tried giving this rally cry for our relationship, but I felt very numb.

I said I didn’t recognize her. Not just the betrayal of our vows but also how she treated our daughter. She’s like a stranger.

She feels she failed as a wife and mom, but she loves us both beyond words and wants our life together and our family intact.

I told her I couldn’t give her the answer she wanted and thought we needed to separate and reevaluate.

She didn’t want separation. She felt we should stay together in our home, but I told her a separation was happening. Either she was leaving the home or I was with our daughter.

She consented to leaving so as to best not uproot our daughter so much. She asked for our daughter not to be taken away from her.

My wife’s staying with my in-laws. I know that’s difficult in itself because she doesn’t have the best relationship with her parents.

One of the hardest parts is the shift for our daughter. Right now, she believes her mom’s just busy with work per usual. She hasn’t questioned it too much.

My MIL called the other day. She made no excuses for my wife, but she’s advocating for us to work through it.

She told me times when she heard my wife describe me as the anchor she always wanted. She believes there’s something worth fighting for if I’m open.

Despite some family opposition we faced throughout our relationship, my MIL was always a supporter of us.

I’m even more at a loss. I never imagined this kind of betrayal from my wife. She was my safe place. I feel numb yet broken.

I’m in love with her. That hasn’t changed. But I don’t see myself, her, our relationship, or our family the same. Everything’s more tense because it’s fresh.

I think this period of separation is for the best. I’m not sure about divorce. I haven’t let myself fully go there. I’m not set either way.

I don’t know where things go from here, but I’m focusing on our daughter and taking things one step at a time. I feel that’s all I can do right now.

Thanks again to everyone for the support. It’s much appreciated.

TL;DR Update for: My wife returned from a work retreat in Vegas with a hickey on her neck. She swears it’s a bug bite, but I’m not convinced. I only feel more strongly when I consider how distant and weird she was during the retreat. We’re stuck between arguing and her dousing our daughter and me with affection. I’m at a loss. I really need outside perspectives. How do I move forward?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

TogarSucks

It was already established that there had been line crossing with the coworker prior to the trip, even if it wasn’t physical yet. But even if there hadn’t been, I’ve known co-worker’s pet names for their significant others before when only interacting with them on a professional level.

The fact that the guy both intentionally gave her a hickey and used the pet name says a whole hell of a lot about him, though. Someone willing to engage in an affair is bad enough. This guy was doing it as some kind of sick power play.

HonShotF1rst226

It’s also possible it’s something super common like honey or baby

OOP

No, it’s a specific nickname. It’s not derived from her name or anything. It just summed up things I loved about her in one word. Apparently he turned it into a sexual context

~

Rightomate_kiwi

One question, how close was the collegue to her to know her nick-name that you use? And why did she let him this close to her literally and figuratively.

OOP

At the time, I knew they had a friendship. She was asked to mentor him as he joined her department. So she took him under the wing and was supposed to be showing him the ropes. They would text and stuff and he would cross boundaries. His texts increasingly read like a guy fishing for an opportunity. My wife shut the idea down as not even a factor for her and I chose to trust my wife because I never had a reason to doubt her before

As far as the nickname, it was something only I called her but it l wasn’t like a secret thing. I called her by it in front of others and our daughter. She claims the guy overheard me say it when she had me on speaker once and he asked her about it after

Update 2 March 14, 2025 (2 weeks after 1st update)

Thank you again to everyone. I (27M) couldn’t respond to every message, but everything’s appreciated. I wanted to provide an update.

Things have been a little chaotic with the new status quo after my wife’s (28F) affair, but I’m taking everything one step at a time.

My wife and I explained the separation to our daughter (4F) in simple, concrete terms and reassured her that we both still love her without going into the reasons behind the separation.

Our daughter’s always been an observant kid, but I don’t think the separation has hit her yet. She doesn’t see the difference between her mom not being home and her usual busy with work.

During visits, she’s more distant towards her mom and clings to me. My wife attempted to play with her on this toy set, but our daughter wasn’t having it and shouted at her mom that she didn’t want to play with her.

The disconnect between my daughter and wife hurts in a way I’m still processing. I knew my wife’s work/life balance took its toll. Pre-Vegas, we were supposed to be working on reconnecting, but just how fractured things are is a lot more apparent.

Our daughter interacts very little with her mom and becomes quiet around her like she does with strangers. I feel at her age we, as her parents, should be who she’s closest with and not this disconnected from her mom.

Their dynamic is something I’ve been reflecting on. My main focus is making sure my daughter’s ok through all of this.

As far as between my wife and me, she’s advocating for us to reconcile. She’s expressed she wants to work on our marriage not solely for our daughter but because she loves me.

Her rally cries for our relationship are still falling flat for me. I can’t give her what she wants right now. I told her I wished she would’ve given herself these rallies before cheating.

She’s adamant about the affair timeline and what occurred with the coworker (23M). They connected because she felt bad he wasn’t fitting in. He kept flirting and treating her like royalty. It started feeling good on the rougher workdays.

They had an emotional affair even though she didn’t label it as such at the time. The EA turned physical during the retreat. She dissociated from her life back home while away in Vegas.

She still swears they had sex only once. The hickey came from foreplay, and while giving her oral, he called her my nickname for her, which shook her out of it.

She snapped at him about his immature attitude with the hickey and then kicked him out of her suite. She thought she could quietly end things and salvage our marriage.

I asked her if she wore her wedding ring during sex with him. She confessed that she did. Knowing this hurts like hell.

To me, our wedding rings were a physical symbol of our love, commitment to our vows, and our bond. She tarnished our rings.

I haven’t been able to wear mine. It never hurts any less. There are just new levels to the hurt.

She admits to contributing to blurred lines. She’s now changed her number and claims to have cut contact with the coworker.

She reported the affair to HR. The company has suspended both of them while they investigate the extent to which the affair impacted the department.

Coworker relations violate their policy, and it doesn’t look good for my wife in terms of power balance since she was the guy’s mentor. They’re also calling into question if she gave him favoritism.

Some have suggested I reach out to the coworker. I’ve considered it, but I’m not in a place to. I feel a lot of anger towards him.

He knew exactly what he was doing with the hickey and nickname stunt. I wouldn’t get anything from him except trouble. He’s not worth it. I’m choosing to focus on my daughter.

I’ve chosen to pursue marriage counseling. This isn’t under the promise of reconciling but as an assist in working through this separation as healthy as possible for our daughter.

I’m still numb in a lot of ways. I never thought this would be how my marriage and family turned out.

I’ve seen it happen to others. I’ve heard stories. I thought I knew what it was like. But it’s nothing compared to dealing with it yourself. I don’t feel like the same person anymore.

I don’t know how everything will pan out. It’s an uphill battle, but I’m trying to show up to the battle. It’s the best I can do right now.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out. I appreciate the support, really.

TL;DR Update for: My wife returned from a work retreat in Vegas with a hickey on her neck. She swears it’s a bug bite, but I’m not convinced. I only feel more strongly when I consider how distant and weird she was during the retreat. We’re stuck between arguing and her dousing our daughter and me with affection. I’m at a loss. I really need outside perspectives. How do I move forward?

Update 3 March 28, 2025 (2 weeks after 2nd update)

Thank you again to everyone who’s reached out. I (27M) wanted to provide an update.

Things aren’t easy. I don’t expect them to be. I don’t regret the decision to separate. It was necessary. In many ways, I feel like my hand was forced with the betrayal and all the lies. I’m still finding my footing.

I don’t put people on pedestals, nor did I ever believe my wife’s (28F) and my relationship was perfect. I just didn’t think we’d end up like this after all this time together.

While HR were still conducting their investigation on my wife and the coworker (23M), my wife resigned.

Apparently she received pushback. Some of the top brass were pulling for her to stay on. I wasn’t too surprised because she’s always been a “yes employee” who gets the job done. She worked with the company back as an intern in college.

She said she wants to prove that she’s taking every possible action in cutting ties with the guy. I don’t know what the investigation result was for him. I don’t care, tbh. It’s not a concern of mine.

We’ve officially begun marriage counseling. It’s a new experience overall. I didn’t know what to expect. We’re mostly discussing our relationship’s journey up to now, the affair, and what we want from counseling.

My wife’s position on how the affair began remains consistent. She can’t really explain it precisely. She wasn’t unhappy with me, but a part of her feels broken. The undivided special attention became like a drug to her.

The convo kind of shifted to my in-laws (57M/55F), my wife’s family life, and the impact of my FIL’s infidelity.

She believes she’s a reflection of her dad in how she is as both a parent and a spouse. As a parent, she tried convincing herself she was better than him by showering our daughter (4F) with gifts in light of her lacking presence.

As a spouse, she tried convincing herself she was better because the affair wasn’t physical pre-Vegas. She thought as long as they didn’t do anything physical, then she was better than her dad.

That was something she told her affair partner while in Vegas actually. They could “hang out” as long as it didn’t turn physical.

I feel like she had so many chances to choose differently. To choose us and our family, but she tossed our daughter and myself to the train tracks.

Our relationship wasn’t enough to stop her, our wedding rings weren’t enough, and our crying daughter wasn’t enough. She chose herself every time.

She was selfish. She mentions the nickname thing, making her snap back to reality as if it’s supposed to make me feel better. It doesn’t.

I believe she only stopped at oral because she got off and had no more need to go further. I wasn’t on her mind. Telling me that I was is like trying to put a Band-Aid on a gunshot wound.

I didn’t plan to say half of everything I did, but there was no going back once the door was opened during my turn to talk.

She agreed and said she has no excuse for her actions. It’s not her parents, it’s just her. She swore that she loves me and our daughter and wants to fight for our family.

I told her that the “I love you’s” felt hollow now. She shut out our daughter and myself to give an intimate part of herself to her coworker.

She said she realizes how much larger than just the affair our problems are. She struggles connecting with our daughter and worries about messing her up, so she left the primary caretaking to me. She believes I’m better at it.

She said that there’s nothing she can say to change anything, but she wants to show change through her present actions.

That’s some stuff we’ve dug through in counseling. We’re still in the early stages. But I believe it’s aiding in communication through separation, which is more healthy for our daughter.

Our therapist recommended individual counseling as a complement. It’s something I’m seriously researching for myself.

Not much has changed with our daughter since the previous update. She still doesn’t feel there’s a difference between her mom being home or not. I’ve watched her go from talkative and playful to instantly completely silent when her mom came by.

I’ve scheduled her for play therapy. I don’t know what to expect from that either, but I’m hoping for the best. My main goal is being present for her.

I know I need to learn how to trust again in general. That’s shot right now. Pre-Vegas, I never had a reason to doubt my wife. My trust was something she had as an irreplaceable partner. I’ve been betrayed before, but this one did a number in a way the others hadn’t.

I’m trying to stay afloat and focus on what I have rather than what I lost. I can’t afford to get lost in myself.

Thank you to everyone for the support and for sharing your own experiences. Talking about all this isn’t easy for me, but I appreciate the openness.

Update 4 Apr 11, 2025 (11 days after 3rd update)

I (27M) wanted to provide an update on things.

I don’t have much new to say about therapy in itself. I’m staying the course with marriage counseling, and my wife (28F) and I have both begun individual counseling. It’s an interesting experience and has given me an outlet. IC’s a nice complement to MC.

My wife’s keeping her therapy appointments. She’s journaling too. I’m surprised because journaling wasn’t something she’s ever really believed in. In MC, she said it’s helping her reflect.

Our daughter (4F) has begun play therapy. We’re still in the early stages. She’s hesitant but coming around to it. Once she gets going, though, you can’t get the toys out of her hands.

It’s reassuring seeing her in an environment where she’s engaging and being more herself. It gives me hope that she’ll be ok through everything.

The play therapist has been discussing when to best involve my wife. Nothing’s concrete yet. I also want to progress at a rate our daughter’s comfortable with and not force anything.

I’m really proud of her. She’s a major reason why I can’t regret being with my wife. There are a lot of things I’d tell my younger self, but if I’d chosen a different path, then I wouldn’t have my daughter. It’s something I wouldn’t change.

I had another major challenge recently. It was my wife’s and my anniversary. Our anniversary always meant something to me. Even with her terrible work/life balance, we’d make an effort to make the occasion special. I felt a lot of conflicting emotions about our anniversary this year. Mostly pain.

We had plans. Everything was booked and set pre-Vegas retreat. Needless to say, the trip was canceled. My wife wanted to keep our plans intact. I told her that wasn’t happening.

Without the trip, she said she still wanted us to spend our official anniversary together instead of separately. I turned her down.

We discussed it in therapy. I expressed I didn’t have the needed trust in her to let myself be vulnerable with her as I once was. I needed to process the anniversary on my own.

The anniversary had me having all these strange thoughts. A lot of it highlighted how much I miss my friend and partner. I’m not talking about reconciliation. I’m not entertaining that right now.

I’m talking about something deeper. To share a life with someone and everything that entails, them being your partner and closest friend, and then having what you devoted yourself to yanked away. I can’t be with her in all the ways I wanted.

Call it simping. Call it foolish. Call it a doormat. Call it whatever you want. I just call it the facts of falling in love and giving them your all for a long time, then finding out they had another life, and losing what you held close. It hurts, and I hadn’t let myself actually feel it until then.

I feel like everything moves on. Life moves on. My wife’s affair partner (23M) moves on. Work moves on. And here I am. I’m the one who’s living the loss. I’m the one who’s paying.

I also wanted to address an FAQ. I’ve been asked a lot about what I meant in my first post about the cultural differences and family opposition my wife and I faced.

We’re an interracial couple. My wife’s Korean. We’re both minorities, but my FIL (57M) and his side of the family wanted my wife to settle down with someone who’s Korean. They’re conservative in their beliefs.

So I wasn’t exactly welcomed, and we dealt with opposition from that angle. It was rough. Even at our wedding, my FIL was more a silent attendee.

Because of my wife and FIL’s strained relationship, she was firm that she didn’t care about his approval. She rejected him walking her down the aisle, which, of course, didn’t help their relationship.

My wife made her own choice. I had nothing to do with it, but anger was thrown at me. My FIL took it as I influenced her against him, and his side of the family said my wife wasn’t being a good daughter.

Things with my FIL didn’t really mend until our daughter. He mellowed after becoming a grandpa and became receptive toward me. Despite our past, he’s doting as a grandparent.

My MIL’s (55F) a different story. She’s always been welcoming and supportive of our relationship. Her support made a difference. She’s been like a mother to me.

I’m realizing more and more the rippling effects of an affair. How much it just takes and takes and consumes. The different facets to the loss. I lost not only the life I chose but also family and friends. Just keep losing.

That’s pretty much all there is to update about. Thank you to everyone for the support. Even if I couldn’t respond, just know everything is much appreciated. It means a great deal.

TL;DR Update for: My wife returned from a work retreat in Vegas with a hickey on her neck. She swears it’s a bug bite, but I’m not convinced. I only feel more strongly when I consider how distant and weird she was during the retreat. We’re stuck between arguing and her dousing our daughter and me with affection. I’m at a loss. I really need outside perspectives. How do I move forward? NEW UPDATE

Update 5 Apr 25, 2025

Sorry for the lack of response. There are a lot of replies and questions I've (27M) missed due to things being chaotic. I wanted to address what I couldn't reply to and give an update.

Play therapy's a learning curve. My daughter (4F) is still hesitant, but she's getting more used to the therapist. I think the current pace we've set works. I'm letting her be in the moment and allowing that to guide what she's ready for. I don't want to force anything.

My wife (28F) is now being included in PT. The focus so far is letting her and our daughter engage together in playful activities guided by the therapist and addressing behavioral and emotional challenges and improving communication.

Something we're tackling is feelings charade. I've never done it before. Our daughter usually communicates with me on her own, but she struggles with wording certain emotions. It's completely understandable; she's only 4. My hope is these exercises will only benefit her.

My wife's inclusion hasn't been progressive, tbh. We're still in the early stages. Idk, our daughter really clams up around her. She's ok with my wife being in the room, but she's not very receptive otherwise.

Recently for play therapy, my daughter made a drawing of our family. It was mostly stick figures, but she had her own little style to it and indicators of who was who. It was adorable but also bittersweet.

The drawing included herself, me, and her grandparents, but not her mom. My wife was nowhere to be found. When asked where her mom was, my daughter's exact words were "Umma's never around" and "Umma's mean."

"Mean" is typically how our daughter communicates that someone's hurt her or someone else. She called her mom mean when my wife broke her FaceTime birthday promise during the Vegas retreat. She said it before my wife hung up.

There was another time around the holidays she called my wife mean. My daughter was assisting me with baking, and she got really excited and cheering. My wife was supposed to join us, but she didn't and took a work call. She raised her voice at our daughter as she told her to quiet down.

I didn't like the tone my wife took with our daughter. She was just excited and wanted to help, and it was supposed to be family time. My wife was the one who took a work call in the same room without warning anyone. We argued later, but it was resolved, and she apologized to our daughter.

Being left out of the drawing bothered my wife. She's expressed that she overthinks and doesn't believe she's good at connecting with our daughter. She feels our daughter prefers me over her.

The whole incident struck another chord with me. I've been mulling it over. We've discussed it in MC and, for me, in IC.

It hurts to see how fractured things are between my daughter and my wife. Despite my wife's infidelity, I don't take pleasure in a suffering relationship. I'm not rooting against her. I want their relationship to be ok.

I believe my daughter needs her mom too. Am I wrong in thinking that there are things a daughter will want to talk with her mom about or to share specifically with her mom even if the other parent is involved?

Part of me feels responsible for their lack of relationship. Like I should've stepped in sooner. I never realized how bad things were. Before, I held onto the promise of just one more work project, and then my wife would be involved more, and how we were still a family. The affair changed my outlook.

Idk when exactly things went off course. Having kids was something we both wanted. It wasn't a singular convo but one we revisited over the years.

We actually wanted more kids. Pre-affair we had discussions, but I had put that potential on hold because it was clear we needed to reconnect as the family unit already present.

I saw and felt the love and care my wife had for our daughter during the pregnancy. It was palpable. I always thought our daughter was evidence of the bond we shared.

My wife's maternity leave ended shortly after she gave birth, and she resumed work full-time at the office. I would say there was a noticeable change then, and the disconnect grew from there.

I just feel like somewhere along the line I let my daughter down and perhaps was also blinded by my love for my wife. I'm at a complete loss. I feel their relationship falls on me. The play therapist said we can only take it one step at a time.

I've been frequently asked about our daughter picking up on the rift between my wife and me and whether we've fought in front of her. I wanted to address that here.

My wife and I have had our fights, but I can't say we've fought in front of our daughter. We'd usually pause and revisit if our daughter was around and not let it reflect in front of her.

After the affair, I haven't badmouthed my wife to our daughter. I try explaining the separation and addressing any question in simple ways without throwing stuff on her or my personal feelings.

I'm really trying. I want the best for my daughter. I don't want my wife's affair to take any more from our daughter than it already has. It hurts like hell, but I can deal. But my daughter is only a kid. Idk how my MIL (55F) did it, and I don't believe it's something I can ask her.

I wanted to thank everyone again for the support. It means a lot. Hearing your experiences means something. I think there's hope to be found in it. I appreciate everything.

TL;DR Update for: My wife returned from a work retreat in Vegas with a hickey on her neck. She swears it’s a bug bite, but I’m not convinced. I only feel more strongly when I consider how distant and weird she was during the retreat. We’re stuck between arguing and her dousing our daughter and me with affection. I’m at a loss. I really need outside perspectives. How do I move forward?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

BeautifulTerm3753

Is your wife trying to build a relationship with your daughter?

This is just so sad.

OOP

They have spent more time together than previously but some times I observed was awkward silence or our daughter mostly playing with my in-laws

~

Electrical-Theory375

Has your wife moved back in or are you still separated? is it possible that the relationship between your wife and your daughter might improve if you were all living in the same house...... that is , of course, if you are contemplating reconciliation.

OOP

We're still separated. I honestly don't know if there would be any improvement. There wasn't much when we all were under the same roof. My daughter does have allotted time with her mom throughout the week

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Eshlau

Me [30F] with my family and friends, I'm getting surgery to correct my disability, and I'm not sure how to tell people or deal with the change

TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of past bullying, ableism, medical neglect, victim blaming

MOOD SPOILER: Infuriating but positive

Original Post - rareddit Jan 13, 2016

Hi all-

History: I come from an extremely low income, uneducated, and prejudiced family (basically midwestern rednecks). I was born with a disability that affects the way I walk. Growing up, my parents didn't believe that my inability to walk normally was a disability- they (mainly my father, my mom just kind of goes along with him) thought I was doing it for attention or to spite them or something, even as a toddler. Because of this, I was punished for walking the only way I am physically able to. Which means I was basically punished constantly for about 7-8 years until a teacher had a sit-down with my parents and strongly suggested they take me to see someone.

At this point, the disability was identified, and the doctor suggested surgery- which my family couldn't afford. So I spent a number of years in leg braces, physical therapy, etc. (which didn't work, as it's a congenital disability). My parents and family, despite being told what was going on, still blamed me for my condition- they believed that I faked this disability long enough as a baby and toddler that I eventually made my body this way. They've always been resentful because of that, and used to constantly remind me how much money they had to shell out for my "problem."

Throughout my childhood, I was constantly teased about my condition by other kids (I was in leg braces when Forrest Gump came out), yelled at and punished by my parents, and criticized by extended family and other adults (even strangers at the grocery store). People even commented on it in my receiving line at my wedding 2 years ago. I spent years learning a fake normal walk for when I can't wear shoes, developing a thick skin, and learning to laugh at myself. I've been reminded of this condition by everyone I meet and everyone I know on a constant basis for my entire life. At this point, it's such a strong part of who I am as a person and my resiliency, I don't even think of it as a disability, really. Just a part of who I am.

The Problem: At this point, I'm 30 years old. Over the past decade or so, I've had a lot of problems with my feet because of the unusual weight distribution pattern I place on them attempting to walk. Over the last year, though, I started noticing signs of nerve damage (numbness, tingling, and shooting pain which renders me barely able to walk at times), and my doctor strongly stressed re-visiting an orthopedic surgeon.

At my consult, the surgeon was shocked. He kept asking me questions with this incredulous look on his face, taking pictures with his phone, and commenting on how surprised me was that I could walk as well as I can at this point. He said it's one of the most severe cases he's ever seen of this particular condition, as most are fixed in childhood via surgery. The imaging of my lower extremities showed tissue damage and nerve impingement, making surgery a necessity at this point. So I scheduled a surgery a couple months from now.

I've had a lot of weird feelings about this since scheduling the surgery. The first pertains to how/when I'm going to tell my family. For years I have completely avoided any talk of my condition, and generally ignore all of the comments made by everyone ("Still walking like a freak, huh?" and the like). I know my parents still believe I did this to myself. Even though I've developed a pretty thick skin to others, I still get emotional thinking about the abuse, shame, and humiliation I suffered at the hands of my parents and family all throughout my childhood because of this. I'm afraid that it's all going to boil back to the surface when I tell them, and start a fight. We already have a tepid relationship, and I don't want to make it worse.

The other weird feeling I have pertains to the feeling that I'm "fixing" something. I know that at this point, it's either surgery or losing the use of my lower legs over the next few years. However, it feels like I'm losing a piece of me. I've spent 30 years telling myself that there's nothing wrong with me, finally "fixing" my condition feels like I'm agreeing with everyone, that there was something inherently wrong with me all along. The surgeon said I would have to re-learn how to walk, run, jump, etc. I'm excited to know what it feels like to walk on two good legs, but at the same time, I start to cry even thinking about changing this part of me forever. It's part of me. It's the way I was made. Fixing it makes it seem like I agree that I was made wrong. I don't know how to make peace with that feeling.

TL;DR- Born with disability, family and others spend 30 years making me feel horrible about it. Now getting surgery to correct- how do I break the news/results to my family, and how do I deal with the feeling that I'm taking away a piece of my identity/selling out?

EDIT- Holy canoli, I came home from school to see this, and oh my goodness! Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. I am truly reading all the comments, even if I can't respond to all of them. I want to thank you all so much. Your comments made me laugh, cry, and seriously think about a lot of things in my life related to my family. I wanted to address some points that I've seen come up a couple times, for better clarification:

My family no longer thinks I'm faking. At this point, they believe that I faked my condition as a baby and toddler, and that led to the condition I live with today. Kind of like a "if you keep making that face it's going to stick that way" mentality. There is absolutely no getting through to them about this, so I just ignore it.

​

I grew up in a poor, uneducated, generally abusive household with an abusive alcoholic father and an enabler for a mother. I've been in therapy off and on for almost a decade now, but really started to make progress a few years ago when I started seeing my current psychiatrist, so no worries on my current mental health. Although I still have a lot of problems related to my family history as well as other things that happened, I am in the best possible place now, and actively dealing with it.

​

The reason I still keep my family in my life is because of a few reasons. One, of course, is the unconditional love I feel for them. As horrible as some of them have been, deep down I will always want to help them and hope that things will get better. I realize this is stupid of me, but I've been working at limiting my exposure to them for a number of years now, and it is a slow process. Another reason (which I know is also probably stupid) is for the sake of my other family members. I am very protective of my family, and in my teen years established something of a caretaker/head of household role with them when my dad's alcoholism got really bad. I can't handle the thought of the stress and pain I would cause my mom and siblings if I were to cut them out of my life. I don't know if I could do that to them. I do love them, as flawed as they are.

​

After reading through most of the great comments you guys left, I think I'm going to simply get the surgery and not say anything. I live across the country from my family, and only see them 1-2 times a year for a week or so at a time. I probably won't be seeing them again until next Christmas. I could potentially get the surgery and mostly recover by then. If they notice, they notice. I realize by reading your comments that I don't owe them an explanation. If they push about it, I'll do what I normally do, and leave the situation before I get upset. It's not of their concern what I do with my body.

Thank you all so very much for your kind words, they mean the world to me.

Update - rareddit Apr 11, 2016 (3 months later)

Hi everyone!

I was so overwhelmed by the positive responses and well wishes back when I posted about this, that I thought I would update all of you on how things are going.

So I had my surgery about a month ago, and it went well without any complications. I was in excruciating pain for the first couple days, but my husband was by my side 24/7 to help out. He had a week off from his work, so it worked out nicely, and I was able to wean myself off the narcotic painkillers they gave me after about 5-6 days. Since then, I've been on crutches, and still have about another 3 or so weeks of crutches to go, most likely. I don't want to get crazy specific about what my disability or surgery was for privacy purposes, so unfortunately that's all I can really say about it. It's been tedious, but the great thing about recovering from an injury or surgery, I suppose, is learning a new level of patience and endurance. I'm really happy with my recovery so far and the results I'm seeing already. I can't wait until I am recovered and strong enough to try walking without the crutches or any other device, and see what it's like!

Leading up to the surgery and immediately after, I didn't tell anyone about it, not even my closest friends. I was kind of afraid of how word might get around, if people would bring it up or something. It got really difficult, though, to keep the secret, as my husband and I had to be careful about what we said and who we said it to. It felt like we were sneaking around, like we had something to be ashamed of. Finally, I told a couple close friends, who were very supportive.

I wasn't planning on telling my family, but I finally did. I felt like I was lying by omission when my mom would call and ask how everything was, anything new, etc., and I would just try to act normal. I finally told her, plain and simple, "Yeah, so I had surgery about 2 and a half weeks ago..." She was pretty shocked, and she seemed genuinely hurt that I hadn't told her (not in what she said, but in her tone). She asked my why I hadn't mentioned anything, and I said that it had always been a very tense subject in the family, and I didn't want to bring it up.

I think, somehow, that that got through to her. She seemed genuinely regretful of the situation, she was speaking to me with shame in her voice. We didn't talk long, as I was studying, but later that night, I just kind of thought, "to hell with it" and made a facebook post coming out to my friends and other family members and letting them know what I had had done. I wrote a narrative about what it was like growing up being different, the rude and hurtful things people would say, the feelings of shame and isolation that I felt, and how those feelings were so strong that I was debating whether or not I should even tell anyone. It was a positive post though, overall, as I tried to remind people that individuals with disabilities shouldn't be treated like an outcast or an exhibit. And honestly, I don't have time or room in my heart to feel angry or resentful, I am so hopeful for the future and looking forward to normal mobility.

Everyone was incredibly supportive about the post, and my parents called me a bunch of times in the days after. We played phone tag a bit, and when I finally talked to my mom a couple days ago, she said she wanted to start looking at flights to come out here and visit me, and "help out." I told her that wasn't necessary, that I was pretty used to the crutches now and the limited mobility I have, and she said she hopes I can reconsider in the next couple days, as it would make her feel a little bit better to be able to help me out, cook, shop, etc. Apparently me getting the surgery and intentionally not telling them, coupled with the fb post that my mom saw (I didn't call them out or anything in it, just talked in general about how difficult it was), made my parents feel horrendously guilty about the way I grew up and was treated. My mom wanted to try to make it up to me somewhat by flying out here and spending some time together. I appreciate the sentiment, and I'm glad that they're seeing the way they treated me in a new light, but I do think I'm honestly too busy in the next couple weeks to host a guest. I told her we could revisit the discussion in a couple weeks.

So, everything is pretty great right now. I made peace a long time ago with the fact that I will never be completely comfortable or close with my family, but it's nice to know that people can change, or try to. I really appreciate the effort my parents are putting in, even if it's not necessary. It's the thought that counts, I guess. I don't want to say I'm glad they feel bad, but I'm kinda glad they feel bad. It shows that they're human, maybe there's some hope there.

Anyway, thank you all again so, so much for your kindness and support, your replies and massages meant everything to me, even if I didn't get around to responding to them. I read and appreciated every single one. Here's to good health and a good life, goodbye!

TL;DR: Got surgery without telling anyone, eventually found keeping secrets to be too difficult, and told some people. Ended up telling my family, they finally realized how shitty they had been, and now feel guilty and want to help me out. Everything went great, recovery is going well, and life is good.

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AITA for refusing to cook a vegetarian Thanksgiving dinner?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Thanks to u/nousernamelol2021 for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Fears of loss of a parent. Controlling behavior

MOOD SPOILER: schadenfreude

Original Post Oct 2, 2024

I feel like I’ve slipped into the twilight zone with this whole argument, so tell me what’s up, internet folks.

Background: I (31F) and my brother Mark (35M) do not get along. When he was a teen he saw a documentary on factory farming and decided to become a vegetarian. He got very, very annoying about it quickly, but my dad shut him down when he started trying to get the rest of us to be vegetarian with him. Then he went to college, made a bunch of very strange friends, and went militantly vegan. It’s his entire personality. I stopped talking to him after he threw a fit about one of my birthday dinners being at a steakhouse and spammed my messages and SM with pictures of abused cows.

My parents have been trying to repair the situation and for a while, it did seem like Mark was getting better so I’ve been letting him back into contact gradually. Then he started dating Pam, who is some kind of vegan influencer. She is apparently moderately popular online, but I have no idea what she does exactly. I don’t know if Mark was trying to impress her or what, but last Thanksgiving he insisted that mom cook at least a vegetarian meal or they wouldn’t come on “ethical grounds”. My mom just wanted everyone to get along on her favorite holiday, so she agreed. It was not a fun meal.

This year, my parents have downsized for retirement and my mom is having health problems. I bought their house when they moved, so my mom asked me to host Thanksgiving so it would be like usual. I told everyone in the group chat so Mark and Pam could make travel arrangements and Pam immediately started gushing about all the vegan replacement recipes she could give me to replace the traditional ones. I said to send me a main dish recipe they like and I would give it a shot, but I’m making the traditional meal otherwise and there should still be plenty of things they can eat. Mark and Pam have been arguing about this with me for days and then Mark said that if I wouldn’t make a meat-free meal they wouldn’t come. This upset my mom, who asked me to just make what she made last year to keep the peace, but I told her that Mark needs to get over himself and I’m not coddling him. I’m having turkey on Thanksgiving.

My dad privately agrees with me, but Mark threatening to not come is upsetting my mom so much that he’s worried it will impact her health. There’s a not big, but also not zero chance that these might be some of the last family holidays we have with her. My mom thinks I’m putting turkey over my own family and I’m not so sure anymore.

AITA?

Edit: Whoa, this blew up. So the answers to some common questions:

As I said, I’ve already offered to make sure there is a main dish and sides they can eat. Mark and Pam will not show up if anyone else eats meat at this meal. If any meat is served to anyone, they won’t come.

Doing multiple meals that day or across multiple days is a no go. I’m a newly minted critical care physician at an understaffed hospital during a major holiday week and I will have a limited window of time between shifts. I have time for one gathering and I would rather not waste it on a miserable one like last year.

Mark and Pam can’t host because they live in a van at present. I’m also not willing to have them in my kitchen for hours bitching about the meat in my fridge, the cookware and utensils, and whatever else they can find to complain about. The time it would take for them to come eat, socialize for a couple of hours, and leave is the maximum amount I’m willing to let them be in my home. Although it would admittedly be interesting to watch them try to host a family Thanksgiving out of a van.

It is very unlikely that my mom is going to die anytime soon. It’s just a non-zero chance, she’s understandably worried about it, and is in the pessimism stage of grieving her health. She has a good prognosis and most people with her condition pull through and live for a long time afterward. If it is by some chance the last Thanksgiving, I don’t think a repeat of last year’s Thanksgiving would do her any good either as everyone left that table unsatisfied and unhappy.

Edit: So, a possible situation to this that I came up with while talking to my partner is to just work through Thanksgiving instead. The attending on shift that day would probably be happy to stay home, so swapping wouldn’t be hard. Mom would be sad about cancelling, but she knows my job is demanding and saves lives so she won’t be upset. Mark and Pam can kick rocks. To be honest, eating hospital turkey between emergencies sounds better than a family Thanksgiving right now. I’ll have to turn it over some more.

Edit 2: Problem mostly solved. Dad finally hit critical mass and told Mark that if he didn’t get his ass here on Thanksgiving to support mom unconditionally and without a single complaint or argument the entire time, he was disowning and disinheriting him and the next time he needed money or help he could forget it. So Mark is theoretically coming. Pam is not. Dad has already ordered the turkey. The recipes Pam sent are ridiculously complicated, so I worked out a deal with one of the nurses at work who is vegan and she’s going to make a couple of her favorite dishes ahead that I can bake day of for Mark. We’ll see if he actually manages to show up.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

JadieBugXD

My aunt was vegan, she brought her own meals to family gatherings. Why can’t they do the same?

NTA

OOP

They object to participating in anything that involves meat. Won’t even go to non-vegetarian restaurants. They’re really extreme about it.

OOP when called out on calling their brother weird

I’m calling his college friends weird because they were legit weird. One ended up joining a cult. One believed in drinking urine as medicine. One had moldy white people dreads. One of them tried to recruit me to his polygamous harem when I was 18.

I’m contemptuous of my brother because he roundly deserves contempt. He’s a self-righteous, entitled freeloader that spends his life being angry at everyone for ridiculous reasons, has barely ever had a job or contributed anything to society, and blames everyone else for anything bad that happens to him due to his own stupid life choices.

Update Dec 5, 2024 (2 months later)

Thanksgiving with the Vegan Beother Update

“Brother”, not “beother”

People have been asking and I’m finally out from under the balls to the wall madness at work for a little bit, so buckle up, folks. I have a story.

So, to recap: my mom is sick and wanted a nice family Thanksgiving at my house, since it used to be the family house and their new place is small. My vegan brother and his girlfriend refused to come unless the entire meal was vegetarian, I.e no meat allowed for anyone. I am not okay with being blackmailed over food in my own home. It was upsetting my mom enough that before Thanksgiving, my dad called my brother and told him that if he did not show up to Thanksgiving, support my mom, and be pleasant to everyone without a single comment about food, he was disowned. My brother agreed to come. His girlfriend opted out at the time.

My dad and I planned the meal. I made sure there were plenty of vegetable dishes available and made a deal with a vegan nurse at work to make me a couple of vegan casseroles that I could bake for my brother. My mom was happy and it was looking like everything was solved.

My brother arrived the night before Thanksgiving with the girlfriend after all in their van, which they live in. This was unplanned, but at least they showed up. They intended to camp in my yard. I told them absolutely not. They asked if they could stay in my guest room, then. I said that I had not planned for them to stay there and given their previous behavior I thought it best if they went and got a hotel room, plus they have a large breed dog with them, I don’t have a fenced yard, and I don’t want the dog to be in the house. They can’t afford a hotel room. He calls mom. The community my parents live in does not allow overnight guests under 50, so they can’t sleep there. To end the debate, I pay for a hotel room and allow the dog to hang out in the garage for the night because the hotel doesn’t accept pets that large that aren’t service animals.

Thanksgiving day, my parents come over, other family members and my partner come early to hang out, and everything is going fine. Brother and girlfriend roll up about 11. They both smell strongly of weed, which is not legal here, which makes things awkward from the start. Girlfriend comes into the kitchen to help even though everything is almost done, and starts taking pics with her phone without permission and telling my very Southern great aunt who has been cooking since God was a child how to make cornbread dressing the right (vegan) way. Several “bless your heart”s later, girlfriend is firmly escorted to the living room instead since she’s a “guest”.

Meanwhile, my brother has cornered my partner, who is also in the medical field and has the patience of a saint, about his vaccine conspiracies and my dad is just letting it happen because at least he’s not talking about food.

Finally we’re ready to eat and everyone is making a plate. Girlfriend asks a million questions about ingredients and then just gets small portions of two side dishes (not even the actual vegan dishes made by my vegan friend). My brother eats all the vegetable dishes but comments about how Girlfriend makes them better. I notice Girlfriend gets up to go to the bathroom a lot, and at one point she’s gone for a while so I go check on her to make sure she’s ok.

Y’all, this woman was filming a TikTok video for her channel IN MY BEDROOM. I was speechless. She apologized and said that she thought it was the guest room and she “needed a minute away” from the smell of meat. I told her to stop and go downstairs and that since it’s illegal here to record video on private property without the owner’s permission, if she posted anything she recorded in my house I would press charges.

After we were done eating, my brother pulled me off to the side and told me that I was a bitch for threatening his girlfriend. My partner happened to be close enough to hear and apparently told my dad. Dad asked my brother to help with something outside for a minute. I don’t know what was said, but my brother came back in looking pissed, “reminded” Girlfriend that they needed to head back to beat traffic, said goodbye to mom, and they left in a hurry.

So much of a hurry that they forgot the poor dog who was still out in the garage and by the time my brother answered a call he was so worked up he cussed me out and told me to just keep the dog since I had to have everything my way and his girlfriend was yelling in the background when he hung up.

My mom either completely missed what was going on or is pretending she doesn’t know so we don’t have to talk about it, but she said she had a good Thanksgiving and it was nice to have everyone together. My dad hasn’t said anything about what he told my brother, but he wants to take mom to the beach for Christmas and asked if my partner and I wanted to go without saying anything about my brother and his girlfriend. My cousin checked up on Girlfriend’s channel and says that she’s posted videos but they’re from the hotel the night before and the van afterwards so at least she has the sense to be warned.

I’ve sent messages and so have my dad and partner offering to try to get the dog back to them but so far neither of them are talking. I don’t want to take the poor thing to the shelter. It’s not his fault and he’s not a bad dog, just big and excitable.

Tl;dr - brother and his girlfriend showed up expecting to stay with me, were rude while they were here, left in a hurry, and abandoned their dog with me, but mom got her family Thanksgiving. Happy Holidays!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

milogiz

Is there a way that you can keep the dog or find him a good home? I will tell brother dear that he and his girlfriend is no longer welcome at my house.

OOP

My partner has pack bonded to the dog at this point and the plan was to move here in January anyway, so we have a dog now. He seems to be enjoying his escape from van life so far.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwaway_astrogirl

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITA for insisting my mom choose a side between me and my brother

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: past trauma, emotional abuse and manipulation, assault and battery, PTSD, mental health struggles, attempted murder, vivid descriptions of attack

Mood Spoilers: depressing

Original Post: April 4, 2025

This happened a few years ago but is still a major issue in my family. I (25F) am the youngest and only girl of my siblings. Me and my mom (50F) live in a different state and decided to visit home and my oldest brother (31M) offered to house us with his family. The first night there, my mom went out with some old friends and my brother and his girlfriend (32F) asked to hang out with me in their home for the night.

After their kids (4 kids between the ages of 9 months and 12) went to bed, we started drinking and talking about random things since this was the first time I had actually met this girlfriend and spent time with her. While talking, his girlfriend asked about our childhood and what he was like as a kid. And I answered honestly: he was a bad kid. He ran away, he spiked our mom’s boyfriends drinks with bleach, he fought at school almost daily and was suspended constantly until he dropped out. Something I thought was funny to joke about was not funny to him and he got angry. Me and his girlfriend laughed it off (we’re all very drunk at this point) but I could tell he was getting angrier and angrier. Then he asked me “if I just punched you right now it wouldn’t be funny would it?” Again, drunk me laughed it off thinking we were just talking about our lives and childhoods. We were not abused or neglected as children so I truly didn’t see this as me laughing at traumatic events or making fun of him.

And then in a split second he punched me. Over and over. I remember protecting myself as I fell and getting back up and throwing anything in front of me as I tried to move out of the way. And then I was back on the floor, mouth bleeding, disoriented and crawling to the couch for help. The kids ran into the room scared and crying and his 9 month old was crying hysterically. He was screaming and yelling at his girlfriend “it’s not funny! it’s not funny!” as she tried to calm him down. He even saw me on the couch crying and bleeding and threw a cup of alcohol in my face and called me a bitch. And then he said: “I hope you know you’re gonna fucking die tonight”.

I remember running into the bathroom and locking the door and I heard him searching desperately for a knife in the kitchen drawer. I called my mom as I hysterically cried and told her he was gonna kill me and she begged me to open a window and run. He began banging on the door, describing how he was going to stab me, gut me, as I tried to open the window; I think I even accepted at this point I was dead and just pondering how it would feel.

And then he stopped. I waited and realized my mom had begun breaking down the door to get to me because he was looking for a new knife to kill me with.

After this, I went to the hospital and although I had no broken bones, I was bleeding and my entire face was bruised and cut. I pressed charges against him and after almost 3 years, he was caught on a separate charge and now the case is moving forward this month.

My mom, in her opinion, has tried to stay neutral but I think in her way of staying neutral she has taken his side. She has told me that being beat was a “consequence” of saying rude things to him and that I’ve already won because he’s been in jail for months and should drop these charges since he’s facing other criminal charges.

Yesterday, I blew up and cried and told her she was stupid and dumb for ever suggesting that I get over this and I can’t believe she would want to be neutral and not take my side. She hung up the phone and we have not talked since.

I feel like I might be TA because I don’t have kids and I don’t understand what she might be going through having to choose between us. It’s also important to mention my brother has previously been diagnosed with a mental illness and has done violent behavior like breaking windows, stealing, going on car chases from police, and fighting before so I feel like our family has become so immune to his behavior that me pressing the issue and demanding accountability is making everyone uncomfortable. But I also feel like her seeing what I looked like after he beat me, hearing me describe what it felt like and how it has damaged me (I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety) should automatically make her take my side and support my decision to take this to court.

AITA?

TLDR: my brother tried to stab me and my mother is asking for me to drop the charges and insists that she cannot choose between her children on which side to take in the situation.

EDIT: here is the link to my update on this situation. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1k7qzen/update_aita_for_insisting_my_mother_choose_a_side/

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: This can't be real, if the cops were called they would recommend the DA press charges themselves and the kids would be removed from the home since he's a psychopath.

OOP: In my moment of panic, I didn’t call the police I just called my mom for help and she took me to the hospital. I went to the police the next day and they basically did nothing until I got a phone call a few months ago that he was arrested for something else. The DA did apologize and said he had no idea how this case slipped between the cracks and why it took so long for him to be arrested. The kids are still in the home and he is still with GF.

Commenter 2: I stopped reading after the very first sentence. NTA.

If one child is a sociopath who tries to stab people, clearly she should be on the other kid's side.

OOP: Thank you for responding and for your honesty. Part of why I made the post is because for the last couple years, multiple family members have told me that expecting my mom to choose a side is irrational and that I should stop pushing this, drop the charges, and handle this “as a family”. After the argument with my mom, it really started making me question whether I am being irrationally biased and TA for bringing this situation up for so long and making her choose between us.

I really thought people here were going to tell me I was letting my emotions blindside me and I’m TA for yelling at my mom and pushing for her to make a clear stand because I’ve been hearing it for years now. But hearing the opposite from so many people is actually mind boggling and I needed it.

Commenter 3: Your mother has picked a side and she is wrong. Please proceed with the charges. Those poor kids, that man should NEVER be around children.

NTA

Commenter 4: WOW, unbelievable how your mother is reacting! maybe for your own mental health you should cut off all contact with your mom too! Your brother literally tried to kill you and in no world is that ok or forgivable. Continue with the charges because he needs consequences and he needs help! You need to protect yourself and not have contact with your mom! You should never doubt you are doing the right thing!

Update: April 25, 2025 (three weeks later)

Hi everyone, I wanted to give an update since a lot has happened since my original post, and I’ve felt so conflicted and alone in it all.

Link to the original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1jrlzsd/aita_for_insisting_my_mom_choose_a_side_between/?share_id=3o7qWTVVZ8OMaY8LCi_aC

TLDR at the bottom

For context: a few years ago, my older brother beat me violently during a drunken conversation, to the point that I thought I was going to die. My mother has stated that I shouldn’t testify against him and that I’m TA for making her pick between us when she’s supposed to be “neutral”.

As the trial started approaching, my family started pressuring me heavily to back out. My mom told me that I should let this go because my brother has “suffered enough” by losing his girlfriend, his kids, and facing time in jail for other charges. She says I’m pushing too hard and that my testimony will send him to prison rather than letting him finish his time in jail even though I didn’t ask for jail time. I requested a plea deal that focused on probation, a mental health evaluation, and mandatory medication adherence. I just wanted him to get help and even that was too much.

She also told me I’m “contributing to what Black men go through,” which feels incredibly manipulative, considering she has never once asked me what I need to heal or how this has affected me. Everything is about my brother, his image, and how to keep him out of prison, not about what I experienced or what helps me feel safe. My brother had someone post on social media about him getting released soon (not happening) and my mother commented and said “can’t wait for you to be home soon!” So a side was clearly chosen here and it’s not mine.

And then it got worse. My mom, father, and grandmother have all reached out trying to get me to drop the case. My father (mind you, this is MY father not my brothers since we’re half siblings) told me “it’s not like your brother molested your kids or killed your husband” as if those are the only two scenarios that justify testifying. He said I’m ruining the family and making myself look bad by going forward. Then I found out my mom gave my father the name of my prosecutor without telling me, and they emailed the prosecutor pretending I had changed my mind about testifying because it “wasn’t really a big deal”. Thankfully, the prosecutor reached out to confirm, and I told him it wasn’t true.

Trial was this morning and my brother decided to plead guilty and ask for time served and I was not allowed to testify. I felt like it was another thing he stole from me. My mental health, my feelings of safety, the love from my family, and now he took my moment of confrontation. However, he’s back in jail because he is still awaiting sentencing for 11 other charges and facing decades in prison.

I called my mother afterwards and told her I didn’t testify and that I knew she emailed the prosecutor (she denied and said she had nothing to do with it but was happy my father did it nonetheless). She said I sided with the system and contributed to another Black man in jail and should be ashamed of myself and then hung up. I texted her and said I still loved her and I wish that one day we can go back to being best friends again because I miss her. She hasn’t responded. So much for neutral right?

Thank you for all the kind words and everyone who told me they had been through something similar. My brother has taken so much from me and I feel alone, defeated, and empty. Part of me is happy this is over but the cost of my family is something I never even considered when he attacked me three years ago. I don’t know how I will pick up the pieces or get through this immense sadness but I will try.

TLDR; my parents tried to have the case thrown out by lying but couldn’t. My brother pleaded guilty to assault and battery and I couldn’t testify. My mother is not speaking to me anymore.

Relevant Comments

Does OOP's brother have any other charges against him that are unrelated to OOP's situation and if her testimony wouldn't have any impact on other charges?

OOP: Yes, he has about 11 other charges unrelated to me including having a weapon as a felon. Actually, he never even went to jail for my charges until this year when he was caught on the other charges and they realized he had a warrant for his arrest for almost 3 years that they did nothing about.

I confirmed before court that my testimony wouldn’t have any impact on the other charges and I was told that the other charges were so severe that it was unlikely a judge would even care about what happened today. And even then that wasn’t enough reassurance for my mother. She said it didn’t matter that I didn’t actually testify but WANTING TO is the same as actually doing it.

Why aren't OOP's parents being held accountable for lying to the prosecutor about the ongoing criminal trial?

OOP: The prosecutor told me he didn’t report my parents specifically for the fact he felt bad for me that I was being harassed by so much family and he didn’t want to make it worse by reporting them and giving them another reason to harass me. I’m so thankful he did it because I can barely handle the ostracism as is.

I get that people post fake stuff up here trust me but this is unfortunately very real and I would post the photos of my beat up face if I didn’t want to remain anonymous.

Commenter 1: While you didn't get to testify during his guilty plea, is there any way that you can prepare a victims impact statement to be read at his sentencing hearing?

Even though it's not trial testimony, if allowed, you would be able to express to the court how his actions have affected your life/health.

OOP: They sentenced him at the same time as the plea hearing to time served and allowed me to make a statement then. I was honestly just so shocked and disappointed and trying not to cry that all I could say was “I hope he gets help and I’m sad that our relationship has been reduced to this”. He refused to say anything. I just hate that I wasn’t prepared to make a statement because I had spent so much time prepping myself to testify. It’s part of why I’m having the feelings I’m having…like I didn’t get to actually get any of those feelings off myself they’re still here. He just keeps taking things from me and that was one of them.

Commenter 2: Can I ask what makes you keep going back to people so obviously don’t care about you? I don’t have parents so I don’t understand it. What is it that they bring to you that you keep going back for?

OOP: Hi, me and my mom were extremely close before this. As in I’ve had people say to us “I thought me and my mom are close but you guys are close!” We see each other every weekend, we talk three times a day at minimum, we were so close. She actually was the one who told me to pursue charges 3 years ago. I think the switch up happened when she realized he was going to jail for a long time and needed a scapegoat for her feelings and it was me. Even through all of this, she’s called me and came by to apologize and tell me she could never choose anyone over me because she couldn’t imagine life without me. So it’s hard when she tells me how much she needs me and then switches to hating me so quickly.

OOP on going no contact with her family after what has taken place

OOP: I do think I have to go LC/NC with everyone because I’m realizing how toxic it is that I have to defend my feelings to my parents almost everytime we talk. I’ll have a few months off work soon and I’m going to try to use that to rebuild my life back with just myself and good therapy. I hope to look into some domestic violence shelters soon to find a community of women who understand what I’m going through.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/MangoMarsupial, account now suspended

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITA for getting upset with my roommates for bringing random men over late at night?

Editor's note: both of the original and update posts were saved before they were removed

Trigger Warnings: invasion of privacy, manipulation, entitlement

Mood Spoilers: mad

Original post: April 23, 2025

Hi everyone I (25F) live in a 3-bedroom apartment with two other girls, Anna (22F) and Jess (22F). When we first moved in together, we all agreed on a few ground rules: no unannounced overnight guests, no strangers coming over super late, and to be respectful about noise since we all have early mornings for work or school.

Lately though, Anna and Jess have started bringing random guys over late at night I’m talking 1 or 2 AM often after a night out or from dating apps. I don’t have a problem with them having a social life, but it makes me extremely uncomfortable having strangers in our apartment while I’m trying to sleep, especially when I have no idea who they are.

What really crossed the line for me was a couple weeks ago when one of the guys walked into my bathroom without asking, and another time, a different guy tried to open my bedroom door at 2:30 AM, clearly thinking it was Jess' room. That scared the hell out of me.

I’ve brought this up with both of them several times, saying it makes me feel unsafe and disrespected in my own home. Every time, they just say “sorry, it won’t happen again” or that I’m “overreacting” and that it’s not a big deal. Spoiler: it keeps happening.

Last night was the final straw I woke up to loud voices and laughing at 2 AM, only to find two new random guys in our living room. I lost my temper and told them this was seriously not okay anymore. Now Anna and Jess are calling me uptight and “no fun,” and said I’m making them feel like they can’t live their lives in their own apartment.

Now I’m starting to wonder AITA for putting my foot down about this?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA, you guys all agreed on boundaries.

However it’s clear they aren’t going to follow them and have no interest in how you feel, and you can’t tell them what to do, so it’s probably best to look for a new living situation.

Commenter 2: NTA and in the meantime change your bedroom doorknob to a locking with key door same with the bathroom

Commenter 3: NTA You've done nothing wrong but unfortunately you will probably have to move out as it sounds like things are unlikely to improve. In the meantime you might like to get a lock for your door if you're able to.

Update: April 25, 2025 (two days later)

Hey everyone just wanted to give an update since a lot has happened in the last couple of days.

So after I made that post, things between me, Anna, and Jess got way more tense. I tried one more time to have a calm, sit-down conversation with them about it. I told them again how uncomfortable and unsafe it makes me feel to have random guys in the apartment in the middle of the night, especially after the incidents with the bathroom and someone trying to open my bedroom door.

Instead of being understanding, they doubled down. Jess basically told me I was being "paranoid" and “controlling,” and Anna said I was “killing the vibe” of the apartment. They claimed it’s their right to have whoever they want over, whenever they want, because “we’re adults now.” Apparently, me wanting to feel safe and know who’s in my own home makes me a buzzkill.

Then the final straw happened the very next night, they had three guys over, super late again. One of them was so drunk he knocked over a lamp in the living room and then had the nerve to start banging on my door at like 2:15 AM because he "wanted to use the bathroom." I didn’t open the door, I just grabbed my stuff, left, and went straight to my boyfriend’s place.

I’ve been staying with him temporarily while I figure out my next move. Thankfully, he’s been super supportive and offered to let me stay as long as I need. I also let my landlord know what’s going on, and I’m officially starting the process of breaking my lease and looking for a new place. I honestly can’t believe it escalated this quickly, but I don’t feel safe or comfortable there anymore.

It sucks because I loved that apartment when we first moved in, but it’s not worth the constant anxiety or the risk. I wish they could’ve just respected boundaries and been reasonable roommates, but here we are.

Thanks so much to everyone who commented on the original post you all made me feel so much less crazy for being upset about it.

TL;DR: Things escalated, I moved out temporarily, and I’m breaking my lease to get out of that situation for good.

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Definitely the right move to leave. Their behavior was completely unreasonable and disrespectful of your safety. So glad you have a supportive boyfriend and are getting out of that situation. Wishing you all the best finding a new, peaceful place!

Commenter 2: You’re right to leave

Your roommates are naive to the realities of the world and how dangerously naive they are being

Commenter 3: For their sake, I hope what usually happens when young women make a habit of bringing drunk guys around regularly, doesn’t happen. Every lesson doesn’t need to be learned the hard way. Glad you’re getting out. I know too many women that this didn’t turn out well for.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/grandkidsmove

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

AITA for moving to be closer to my grandkids

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: emotional manipulation, pregnancy loss, possible emotional abandonment

Original Post: March 28, 2025

I have 3 kids with my ex husband; Elliott (28), Emily (21), and Joseph (19). Emily and Joseph still live at home while they attend the local state university.

3 years Elliott married his high school girlfriend, Madeline (27) and they have 3 beautiful little girls. Sophie (12) is Madeline’s half sister that Madeline and Elliott adopted 3 years ago. They also have 18 month old twin girls, Charlotte and Penelope and they’re pregnant with their first son.

Last year Madeline and Elliott moved from their apartment down the street from me to a house about 3 hours away for Elliott’s job. I try to visit them at least 2 weekends a month and I just love where they live. It’s this adorable little quiet beach town. I’ve been thinking about retiring there since Elliott and Madeline moved down there but I made the decision after I found out Madeline and Elliott are having another baby.

I put in an offer on a little cottage on the beach, a 10 minute walk to Elliott and Madeline’s house. My offer was accepted so I decided to sit Emily and Joseph down to tell them my plan.

I told them that I would be selling the house this summer and moving closer to Elliott and Madeline for an early retirement. I didn’t want them to struggle to find a place to live so I told them I will rent an apartment for them to share for 3 years or until Joseph graduates, whichever comes first. Neither will pay rent or any other expenses besides part of their groceries as long as they’re still in school.

I thought Joseph and Emily would be ok with this but they were furious. Joseph is saying that I’m choosing Elliott and my grandkids over them and Emily is claiming that I’m misusing their child support (their dad agreed to pay until they graduate from college) because I won’t get a “good” apartment (I’m getting them a simple 2 bed 1 bath apartment in good condition close to their school instead of a luxury 2 bed 2 bath with access to pools, a gym, and other nice amenities). I told her she’s welcome to pay her tuition and living expenses on the $850/month I get from her dad and now she and Joseph won’t speak to me.

Elliott is suggesting that I could’ve given them more notice and talked to them about this before I bought the house but I thought 3 months was plenty of time.

AITA for moving to be closer to Elliott, Madeline, and my grandchildren?

Verdict: Asshole

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Yeah, this was really poorly handled. Your children are all adults and you unilaterally decided on this move that is going to hugely affect all of their lives, and then sprung it on them as a fait accompli. YTA. And it has to be said: are you sure Elliott and Madeline even want you to move to their new town?

EDIT: OP responded that E & M are active participants in the moving plan. Which I guess talking to 1 of 3 children before making this decision is better than zero, but it doesn't change the verdict for me. Also I think it's kind of messed up that Elliott didn't give his siblings a heads-up. Is anyone else getting "Elliott is the Golden Child and likes it that way" vibes?

EDIT 2: A lot of people who disagree with me are saying OP is not the AH because a. they're all adults and it's her house so she can do whatever she wants, and/or b. she's still providing an apartment for the two younger children. And yes, legally she can do whatever she wants with the house, and yes, it would be worse if she moved away, cut off all their support and told them they were on their own, which yes, she legally could do because they're adults. But she remains the AH for the way she handled this. She demonstrated to Joseph and Emily that not only does she not care about their opinions on plans that significantly affect them, she doesn't even think it's necessary to find out whether they have any.

OOP: Yes I’m sure. They were taking me to tour houses in their town when I visited.

Commenter 2: So you felt it was appropriate to talk to one of your kids but not the others? Explain this.

OOP: They were helping me find and tour properties. With my younger two I didn’t see a need to tell them until I was sure it was happening.

Commenter 3: Do Madeline and Elliott even want you there? It sounds like you're already there too much, now you basically want to live with them.

OOP: Yes. They were very excited about me potentially moving there. Elliott started dropping hints about me moving there within a month of him moving.

Commenter 4: Gee I wonder why your children who live with you are shocked that you sold the house and are moving three hours away without having mentioned it to them at any point until it was a fait accompli.

You are choosing your eldest and grandkids above them. Maybe not for the first time I imagine.

You sure like burning bridges, but as long as your needs are met, eh?

YTA

OOP: I am selling the house but I’m renting them an apartment. It’s not like I’m throwing them out onto the street.

Commenter 5: NTA. But one question, how much time do your two younger college kids spend with you? Are they active in your life? I suspect they’re like every other college kid. Absorbed into their own lives while you are lonely wishing you were closer to your grandkids. This is your time, you raised your kids. Do I think you should have discussed it with them first? Yes. I wouldn’t have purchased anything without multiple discussions but the truth of it is they’re adults now and you’re providing them with a very cushy option.

OOP: They’re not very active in my life. They have school, friends, part time jobs, parties, boyfriend, etc.

OOP responds to a [longer comment] regarding Emily and Joseph choosing to attend a local university

OOP: They chose to attend the local school because they wouldn’t pay for room and board. I do not plan to move again even if Elliott moves. I really like the area that he lives in and it seems to be a great place to retire in

What does OOP's ex-husband and the father of her children think about her moving

OOP: He lives out of state and we actually have a pretty good relationship. He doesn’t see anything wrong with what I’m doing.

I have talked to their dad about me moving. He couldn’t care less

Update: April 10, 2025 (12 days later)

Thank you to everybody that commented on my original post. A lot has happened since then.

I’ve been staying with Elliott for a little over a week after his wife experienced a medical emergency that ended with her losing the baby.

The day I left I got an email from Emily saying she was moving in with her dad and cutting contact with me. Her dad and I have a pretty good relationship so I’ve been checking in through him and apparently she’s already threatening to move out because of his expectations towards chores and financial contribution.

Joseph actually apologized to me a couple days ago. I haven’t been able to sit down with him in person but we’ve had plenty of phone calls where we talked about his future. Instead of sharing an apartment with his sister, he will get a studio apartment and contribute $200/mo towards the rent and $200/mo towards groceries. I pay for everything related to his car except for gas and he’s on my health insurance so he only pays about $100/mo for gas, leaving his total living expenses at $500/mo. His income fluctuates but it’s typically $1500-3500/mo so even during the slow seasons he should be able to afford his expenses. I agreed to split the rent with him (currently 1k/mo) for up to 2 years after he graduates.

I do wish things are better for Emily but I am happy with Joseph for how he worked everything out.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: So your daughter moved out of state in the middle of the semester?

OOP: Yes. She chose to drop her classes this semester to spite me and expected her father to take care of her financially.

OOP responds about her youngest child and how he is accepting her decisions

OOP: The 19 year old is actually doing great. He needed a few days to come around but he and I have had some great discussions about what he wants, what I can help with, and what he can do/afford these past few days.

Commenter 2: Depending on where you live 3 months may actually not be a long time to find a suitable flat

Commenter 3: OP found a listing for an apartment that was theoretically in her budget. She did not apply for it, and thus she (and so we) has no information on whether the apartment has a wait list, has already been taken but the listing is still up, or even whether it actually exists.

OOP: We have an apartment. He’ll be moving in June. A friend of a friend owns the building so it went pretty quickly.

Commenter 4: I am happy it all worked out, it seems Emily is the biggest issue but that’s not your problem anymore

It’s a shame she lost the baby

I am suprise you got an ASShole verdict but then again Reddit really believes that parents need to break there backs forever…

Literally we’re giving the an apartment and plenty of notice

Edit: even if op butchered how they dropped the news, at most it should have been an ESH not the overwhelming YTA

They were treating this as she was abandoning middle schoolers not grown ass adults who she literally will pay for their housing.The adult kids were definitely being dicks in that post

Personally OP NTA since you still gave 3 months when this news dropped and were literally doing to pay for their housing

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/wiiltedwallflower

16 years old and my mom arranged a marriage for me ?

TWs: Child Endangerment, Forced Marriage, Emotional Abuse, Family Estrangement, Sexism/Misogyny, Physical /Mental abuse

MOOD SPOILER:>! hopeful!<

Original Post October 11, 2016

I was studying for my math test and listening to music while I study. My mom was on the phone talking to a relative in Pakistan about a wedding and I took my earbuds out, and I started eavesdropping. I wanted to know what was going on and my mom said "I don't know what ‘wiiltedwallflower’ should wear to her wedding." WHAT THE FUCK ! After she ended the call she told me and my step-sister that we were going to Pakistan to "visit relatives."

I faked interest and pretended to be excited, so she wouldn't get suspicious, but I am fucking shocked and I didn't know what to do. I went on travel.gc and I also googled a list of Canadian/ French consulates and embassies in Pakistan. I’m afraid my mom or my relatives will take away my passport and never let me return to Canada ! Then I’ll be trapped in that shithole country with some stranger who will probably abuse me daily. My mom has talked about marrying me off to a guy because my grades are bad and because I don’t “behave.”

I haven’t been to Pakistan since I was 6 and I would never, ever go back. I am ex muslim and I hate all of my mom’s relatives in Pakistan. I remember when I failed a chemistry test and my mom said “Your cousin got grades like yours and that’s why she was married off.” Another time before I wrote my final exams, she said “I’ll find you a doctor husband because girls don’t work.”

I am so scared and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave Canada ! I know that we have to go to Paris, France first and I am going to make a run for it when we land, I have dual citizenship with France and my biological father lives in Paris. I haven’t even called my dad and told him what was going on because I’m going to break down in tears and my snitchy step-sister will tell my mom and step-dad on me. On tv and youtube I have seen so many documentaries about desi girls in forced marriages, I never knew that I was going to be one of those girls. Should I call the police before I leave ? or should I ask to go to the bathroom and run away ?

UPDATE: Thank you so so much for the advice ! I am going to make another post about my plan and escape to France. :)

RELEVANT COMMENT

supervacaneouss

Where in Canada are you located?

Edit: if you are anywhere in Ontario (or willing to travel) I can give you a safe place to stay. I even drive. I'm not sure when your departure date is but do not go. Pack as if you're happy you're traveling and run away. When you're far away from your mother and sister then you call your father. See what he says. If there is any ANY indication he is on your mom's side DO NOT GO. If he is willing to take you in, you should go see him alone. Do not tell your mom of your travel plans.

OOP

I am not in Ontario. I have called my father, my mom and step sister don't speak French so they didn't understand. My dad is a white French man and he is not on my mom's side !

~

Update 1 October 12, 2016 (Next day)

First of all, I can't thank you all enough for this advice and support, I'd send you all muffin baskets if I could.

It's the day after I found out about this forced marriage, it wasn't arranged because I haven't given my consent and there's no way in hell I want to marry some old fuck at 16. A lot has happened in the past 24 hours, I have called my dad, boyfriend, family members and trusted friends. My best friend has given me a pocket gps, and she said she will track my location and notify the police if I end up in Pakistan, but I have notified authorities. My dad was furious when I told him that my mom arranged a marriage for me. My boyfriends parents said they would help me if my mom drains my bank account, or if I was taken to Pakistan, they would go there and take me out of Pakistan.

I have printed off copies of my IDs and recent pictures, I have given them to my friends and family. I also told my principal. I started taking cash out of my bank account so my mom can't drain it. But I don't want it to look suspicious, so I'm going to take it out in medium amounts and then hide the money in my safe. My dad said he would help me open a bank account in France, but I'm sure you have to be over 18. I hid my French passport and other IDs in my safe. Another thing I've done is that I am packing my belongings like my clothes, albums, school transcripts, electronics, books etc in boxes and shipping them to my dad's address. I don't know what I'll do with the cash ! I have under $10,000 so I won't face a fine when at customs, but I'll have to declare it.

My mom has also told me she doesn't care where I go or what happens to me, I have hid at my friend's house for a week once after she slapped me for getting a 12/15 on a math test when I was in grade 7 and she didn't call once or anything. I am lucky that my friends let me stay with them. When my mom comes home, I'm going to tell her that I want to live with my dad. I don't know what her reaction will be, but I doubt she'll care. She cares more about my step dad and his kid from a previous marriage. If my mom and stepdad agree, I can have freedom ! no more islam or abuse at home. If they agree, I'm going to call my dad and tell him to buy the plane ticket so I can leave Canada and live in France.

I won't have a problem with immigration or anything because I have a French passport and I have mentioned that in the previous post. ☺️🇫🇷 I know my dad can convince my dad to give up her parental rights and let him have sole custody. I'm sure my mom will lose her parental rights to me because of emotional, physical and mental abuse and this forced marriage is going to bring her down lol. I also have screenshots of my mom's text messages about this marriage, I even have a voice recording as evidence. I am going to confront my mom and stepdad and tell them that I'm going to live with my biological dad tonight, I'll update you all on what happens after !

EDIT: Hey guys, about my dad. I actually grew up with a father for 13 years when I lived in France, I know my dad and I still see him 3-4 times a year even though my mom re-married and we moved to Canada.

Update2: The talk My mom and stepdad came home, I was going to do this confrontation alone and not have anyone there. As my "parents" sat down and asked me why I wanted to talk to them, I got nervous and started to panic ! I was going to change the subject and say something like "can I paint my walls purple ?" but then it hit me, I had to toughen up and tell them that I wanted to live with my dad and not with them. If I didn't tell them, I would've been married off and had my life ruined ! I was too scared to even call my neighbour or my friends mom for security.

I made my mom and stepdad sit down at the dinner table, I told them that I wanted to move to France and live with my dad. They started telling me that France was unsafe, that I was going to get shot. Then I told my mom that she always wanted me to die, lol. My stepdad said that Paris is dangerous and I told him about east vancouver, Surrey, Detroit, Compton, North Edmonton etc.

There was a lot of yelling but I told them that if they hated me so much, they should just give up their parental rights and let my biological father deal with me. There was a moment of silence, my stepdad decided to leave because he thought I was being crazy. My mom called me a disgrace to the family and I said in a very bitchy tone, "why don't you fucking return me to dad ! unlike you he actually cares about me, you fucking deplorable." My mom sighed and calmly replied "if that's what you want, I'll go make the arrangments. But you are making a huge mistake, and you'll regret it for the rest of your life."

The confrontation wasn't as violent as I thought it would be, I had a pocket knife for self defense because my parents have hit me before. It only lasted about 15 minutes ! I'm a bit sad because I thought my mom would try to negotiate with me, or ask me what she did that makes me want to live with my dad who lives in another fucking country ! it's not like my dad lives in a house across the street, or in the same city, he lives in another country and the fact that I have to move to another country for my safety, sanity, freedom and wellbeing sounds fucking crazy ! Instead she decided to terminate her parental rights and give me back to my dad. She just threw me away, she never tried to fix our relationship ! Most moms would fight, beg and plead with their last, dying breath for their kids to stay.

When I think about it, I am better off living with my dad, he actually cares and worries about my well being. I don't even think I should be sad, I mean I got what I wanted. I also realize that I'm so fortunate to have all these friends and family members who actually care and I have these nice strangers online who also gave me good advice ! :) I am better off than most girls in my situation, I mean I can run off to France and be safe there because I have a caring dad unlike most girls in my situation.

The only thing left in my room is my furniture, I packed my remaining belongings into a suitcase and I went to my friend's house. I have already cleared my closet and drawers, I put everything into a box and shipped it to my dad's address. (I don't have many heavy objects and there's a trick on folding clothes to save space. I can share the link, if you want.)

Timeline of events

5:00 - 5:15 PM

My parents came home, I confronted them.

5:20 - 5:40 PM

I ran faster than Usain Bolt to my room, opened my safe and shoved my money, debit cards, passport, ids and my emergency clothes and toiletries into a carry on suitcase. I texted my friend and asked her if I could stay with her and she said yes.

5:50 PM

My friend comes to pick me up and we drive to her house, luckily she lives far, far away from me. When I got to her house, her mom bought us 2 plane tickets to Vancouver. My friend is 18 and she could go as my guardian because I'm 16. The flight is 1 hours 35 minutes, the next flight to Paris and I'll be there at 8:35 AM.

6:45 PM

I called my mom and told her me and my friend were going to Halifax. (I didnt want her to chase me to Vancouver.) Then she said "have fun with that."

I'll be on the plane, but I'll keep journaling and I'll make more updates. Thank you all so so so much !

RELEVANT COMMENT

OmgItsTania

I'm really glad you've managed to get yourself out of what could have been a potentially disastrous situation! Your mother doesn't sound like she deserves to have a level headed daughter like you at all. And it is quite sad to see how she doesn't seem to care about the reasons why you're leaving either :/

I have one question though, are you absolutely sure your mum was actually arranging your marriage? In the first update she just said she didn't know what you should wear to "her" wedding, are you sure she didn't just mean some other relative's wedding?

OOP

I read my mom's text messages ! she told my aunt she arranged a marriage for me, yuck !

~

Update 2 October 12, 2016 (Same day)

Me and my friend went from where we live → Vancouver

Our next flight is from Vancouver → Paris

My friend and I jumped on the next flight to Vancouver ! Right now me and my friend are just waiting for our flight to Paris. My dad will pick me up at CDG airport and my friend will stay in Paris with me for emotional support. I felt bad because my friend had to come with me and abandon her normal routine, but she told me it was okay because she wanted to travel. She told me that she saved up money to travel but she didn't buy a ticket, so I guess I helped her jumpstart her goal to travel around Europe. Our flight to Vancouver was 1 hour and 35 ish minutes, I don't live far from BC lol. Our flight for Paris leaves the next day, so we decided to check into a hotel for the night.

I was scared when the plane took off, I'm not afraid of flying, I was afraid that my mom was going to call the police or try to track my location and that this would become a missing persons case. My friend reassured me that my mom was a shitty parent and that I was so so close to freedom. A couple minutes after the plane took off and I started thinking about my new life in France, I stopped thinking about my awful family and started thinking about how in 1- 2 days I would see my dad and I'd be free at last ! I'll be sitting in a French cafe reading a book, or strolling down the Champs-Élysées.

I was going back to the city of lights after 3 years of darkness ! the only problem I had was my french spelling and learning how to make friends in France. Another minor issue would be getting used to a new timezone and jetlag. I'm also going to miss my friends in Canada, they helped me a lot if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be waiting for a flight to Paris. I'm also thankful for all the advice I got on reddit ! I finally got the courage to call my dad and read every post :) When I was 14, I wondered what would happen if I went to France and never returned. I was too scared to stay or even tell my mom and stepdad that I wanted to leave and go live with my dad.

I never knew that 2 years later I would be moving back to France, I thought that I would have to wait until my 18th birthday to leave ! I even got a part time job to save up for a plane ticket and to move out when I turned 18. After my mom told me that she would "make arrangements" last night, I saw it as my last chance to escape, before something bad happened. 😢 I don't know what they're capable of, I could've been killed, kidnapped etc who knows !

By the way :)

I speak fluent French, I need to work on my spelling because it's awful lol.
My mom is terminating her parental rights, my dad will get sole custody of me and my mom won't have access to me. I'm not sure how this parental right termination will work, but I know my mom is giving my dad sole custody.
I took all of my Ids and documents from my mom's house. As soon as I heard her talking about my marriage, I rummaged her room and I found a large file folder with my documents in them. To make it less suspicious, I shoved paper in the folder. My mom has a bunch of envelopes full of childhood pictures, I took them all out and placed sticky notes and cards into the envelopes. It may be illegal but it's petty compared to forcing a 16 year old into marrying a 40 year old !!!
I can still complete highschool this year and get my diploma. :)
My bank account has been cleared, there's only $45.79 in there now.
I have read my mom's textmessages, she was talking to my aunt about how she arranged a marriage for me. I took a picture of those messages with my phone, printed them off as evidence and sent them to my dad.

Also, if you're exmuslim and your family is like mine TELL SOMEONE ! tell your doctor, teachers, construction worker, employer, mailman, friends, neighbours etc. I'm not being biased but it's best to not tell anyone who is close to your parents ! I never told anyone who was Desi and muslim because my mom has bitch friends with snitchy kids who are desi and muslim. It's better to tell people who are non- muslim ! I told my friend in French class last year about what goes on at home, he said he was so sorry and said that he was there for me ! people actually care ! please tell someone !

Overall thank you all so so much for the support and the nice comments :) I'll get back to making another update in a couple weeks ! I'm going to be in France in 9 hours ish after I board the plane, then I can start my new life. Au revoir :)

RELEVANT COMMENT

NeoMarxismIsEvil

Sounds like good news. Nobody is trying to stalk and kill you, and you're free of forced marriage problems.

If you had not been eavesdropping on your mother how likely do you think it is that you could have actually ended up in Pakistan in a forced marriage? It sounds like you may have gotten kind of lucky that you learned of her plans before you got duped into getting on a plane.

I guess the moral of the story is, anyone who thinks they have a parent or parents who might try to dupe them into a trip to some place for a forced marriage probably need to be nosy about what they're up to.

OOP

I am very lucky that I have caring friends and a dad who knows my mom is CRAZY ! Before I travel, I let my friends know where I am and when I'll be back, if I don't show up for a while my friends will know somethings not right and they would call authorities.Also, I'm quite sneaky, I never trusted anyone in Pakistan and I would've hid my passport, cellphone and numbers to the French/Canadian embassy.

~

Update 3 November 26, 2016 (More than a month later)

So.. it’s been awhile since I’ve made an update here. I am now in France, away from my psychotic, narcissistic mom and step- dad. The friend who came with me has gone to Greece. I’ve been getting used to France again permanently before I used to visit my dad for a week or two and I’d just be a tourist but now I actually live here again and luckily I don’t have “Paris syndrome.” I can also still finish high school here, get my diploma and go to university but I want to take a gap year and I’m not sure if I want to stay in France for university. Also my mom’s parenting rights have been terminated, and she doesn’t have custody of me anymore phew.

I’m glad I’ll never have to see my shitty mom and stepdad ever again. I’m glad my dad isn’t Muslim, he saved me from being trapped in an Islamic shit hole country and being raped, abused by some 40 year old that my mom wanted to marry me off to. When the plane landed in Paris, I finally felt free and safe. I wasn’t in another country away from my mom and shitty stepdad. It’s funny how some of my classmates think that I’m on vacation because my friend posted a picture of her and I when we went to the Eiffel tower. Only two of my friends know what really happened but I know they wouldn’t tell anyone what happened. My first month here has been very weird.

My friend wanted to go sightseeing and I don’t blame her. It was fun showing my friend around Paris but I knew that I wasn’t a tourist anymore and that I now live in France, permanently. Overall, I’ve made friends and I was still in contact with some of my childhood friends. So yeah, I didn’t have that much culture shock or trouble adjusting. I’ve been studying French but my dad said that my French is fine.

My dad is mad at my mom for arranging a marriage. My dad told me I was a human being and not commodity to be sold to the highest bidder, and then he said my mom was a deplorable and a disgusting woman for whoring me out and planning to leave me in a country where I have no contacts and I don’t speak the language. I am much happier now because I’m the only child and I don’t have an annoying step - sister snitching on me to my parents, or going through my bedroom. Overall my life is better now because my mom is out of it and I want it to stay that way.

My dad got my mom’s parenting rights terminated and I think it’s amazing because now my mom can’t hurt me anymore. I’m not sure what I will study in University but I also want to do something to help other girls in my situation. I think I want to write a book one day about what happened to me, but I’d have to use a pen name.

But I feel so relieved that I don’t live with my mom anymore. I have less acne and I lost weight because I don’t have to hide my double life from her anymore. My dad and I went through my childhood pictures and we cut my mom out of those pictures. Some karma and legal justice, my dad doesn’t have to send child support to my mom anymore and now my mom and step- dad can’t spend $ a month on useless stuff anymore. Now they are fucked ! I am just really happy that I have a white, non- Muslim dad who doesn’t care if I hang out with my friends or if I fail one, small meaningless test.

I can actually be a teenager now, also I don’t have to go back to Pakistan ever again which is great. But I’m glad I found this subreddit, you guys helped me a lot. Thank you so much.

RELEVANT COMMENT

[deleted]

I followed your story on this subreddit.

I'm super glad that things have worked out for you. Please keep safe though - you are still very young and shit happens even in civilized places like France.

Also you should pay some attention to your studies :) Not for your parents but for yourself. Not to please anyone but to satisfy your curiosity about the world. Learning is fun if you do it for the right reasons.

I encourage you to start writing down your thoughts and your memories. Who knows if you are a good writer some day you might create something like the "Anne Frank Diary" (but without the tragic ending). I will definitely buy a copy if you do :)

OOP

True, I like learning but sometimes I fail in Math or Chemistry, lol. I have been writing daily ever since I was 15. If I do write a book, I'll send it to you for free. :)

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is BestEver2003. They posted in r/LegalAdviceUK

Thanks to u/anicole325 for the rec! Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old- there is not a newer update than that. This has not been posted on this sub before. This sub has a 7 day waiting period to prevent brigading.

Mood Spoiler: good ending

Original Post: April 23, 2025

Title: I just got home to find a car parked on my drive plugged into my car charger? What can I do and should I talk to the police?

As the title says, I'm just back from a weekend away, and when we got home, we found a car on our drive plugged into our car charger. The outside gates have been opened to allow access, and the car seems to have been there for less than an hour and is on about 8% according to the charger. I've switched the charger off at the wall, so no more free electricity for them and their charger cable is now locked to the box (default behaviour when there is no power) and locked the gates shut.

Do I report this to the police as theft, and what will they do? I know if they want to leave, I must release the gates (I've locked them to make sure they don't try to drive off). Can I leave the power off on the charger and hold the charging cable to ransom, assuming they can disconnect when there is no power?

UK, Cambridge

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter (heavily downvoted): Your best bet would be to disconnect the charger and leave gates open.

There's a small theft element here, but the amount is really too low for either civil or criminal action

OOP: It's the principle of the thing. I'm having to use a prepay parking ticket on my car so I can park down the road while they are merrily off shopping or whatever they are doing, thinking I'm charging their car. I assume if I leave them locked in, the police would come out and I would have to release them, which is fine, or I could just go out and leave them stranded. I'm just really annoyed and left wondering if they have done this before?

Commenter: I understand. The issue I would be more concerned with is that this person knows where you live; and even if there's no immediate reaction - you may face issues down the line that will ultimately cost you more.

Purely practical.

Legally you are currently fine. And yes you'd have to release them when they returned

OOP: I'm 205cm tall and built like Georges-Henri Colombe - Happy for them to try to cause bother, and int he mood I'm currently in I hope they don't arrive soon. I think I'll talk to them through the doorbell camera and get them to call the police.

Could this be a repeat offender:

That was my worry. The house is often left during the day, 0800-1800, as I am out working. Do they do this regularly? I am going to put some security on the charger (if it's possible to do so) and check the doorbell camera, though that doesn't show the driveway very well.

Commenter: Unplug it. Do not just turn it of because it might lock the charger to the car and that's not something you want to do. You can report it as theft but the police will most likely do nothing.

In the future -

Some chargers allow you to set a pin.

Or get a lock for it.

OOP: The cable is already switched off at the wall, so it is trapped.

Commenter: You might want to release it from the thief's car asap. They might brake your charger lead when they decide to remove it with force.

OOP: Then the insurance company for the car will need to pay for a new one, which we need anyway. It's not like they can exit without calling at the house, plus it would be criminal damage. I've put the dog cam on the garage window so it's all recorded anyway now.

Commenter: NLA so it'll probably be removed but can you set your charger only to work if approved? For example I have to approve each plugin through the Ohme app and the controls on the charger itself are locked until that point.

OOP: We are planning to upgrade the charger; this one is a really old Ohme one that was in when we moved in and needs to be changed anyway. We've not found a way to do anything but a 100% charge from it.

Top Comment:

JJB525: Contact the police and report it as Theft. It’s that simple, record the registration mark and take a picture of the visible VIN to negate any attempt for them to say their plate was cloned.

S13 Theft Act 1968:

“Abstracting of electricity.

A person who dishonestly uses without due authority, or dishonestly causes to be wasted or diverted, any electricity shall on conviction on indictment be liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding five years.”

Update Post: April 24, 2025 (Next Day)

I don't know if this is allowed on this thread, but as so many people have DM'ed me for an update, here it is.

The car was still there when I left for work this morning. According to the two cameras, the owner returned at about 2350 but after checking the locked gate and the charger, left without ringing the doorbell.

I got a call this morning from my neighbours telling me that someone was using a cutting tool on the gate and that they had called the police. I went home and found the police, my neighbour and the car's owner on my drive.

He was in his 50s and seemed to be some sort of businessman. He told the police he had been staying at the hotel just around the corner and that one of the hotel staff had told him that there was a charger in my drive he could use. Our house was empty for 6 months prior to us moving in, so perhaps they had been using it for guests for some time.

The owner was very upset that I had locked them in, but the police kept everything calm.

On inspection, they had already damaged the charger to retrieve their cable, and even though they denied this, it was clear from the dog cam footage that they did it. They had also damaged the gate quite badly while trying to open it.

Upshot is that they were arrested for criminal damage to the gate and charger, and the police are arranging for their car to be removed as it has no charge, so it cannot be driven off.

I'm off to have a serious conversation with the hotel manager and chase up the new charger as ours is now broken.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: I’m quite surprised (but happy) there was no mention from the police about you locking the gate. Was there ?

Anyway , staying tuned for Part 3 - The hotel

OOP: The police officer was quite happy that it was lawful to close and lock the gate, even though the owner said he'd sue me. The hotel manager and I had a chat over lunch, he thinks its bullshit but will remind his staff and they have booted the guest out of the hotel. [editor's note- bolding my own because people missed this]

Commenter: Did they use any of your electricity? I would have thought that would be theft if they did. Otherwise the police seem to have everything in hand. If the guy broke the charger then you should see the police and pursue him for the funds to fix it. [...]

OOP: The police officer asked how much I thought they had stolen, so when I said maybe £1, they asked if I would be OK just dropping that. They are coming back later to take a statement, so I'll ask them then.

Commenter: Wow. Was the man in any way shape or form apologetic to you? Also what an absolute idiot to just accept the word of the hotel to park on a random driveway & steal electricity from a private residence

OOP: No apology but he'd already been arrested at that point so was off the scale annoyed.

Commenter: An annoying, but satisfying outcome.

I wonder if you can claim the damages from the car owners car insurance? Otherwise you would be looking at a civil claim to resolve.

OOP: Spoke to my house insurers who said to put in a claim and they would deal with it, police also said they would look for a 'costs order' to compensate us.

Commenter: Love this! Absolutely delighted that police attended, caught the dickhead, and arrested him. That’s such a result.

Have fun suing him for the damage to your gate and charger.

OOP: That will be our insurance company, as they are taking it over from here.

Commenter: Hey OP, If the Hotel has been recommending people to use your charger before you moved in, could there not be possible issues with the energy usage documented by the previous owner and the meter reading you (hopefully) document when you moved in?

If so, who would the energy company come after as there would definitely be an issue if several cars have used it over a 6 month period?

OOP: We had the meter readings done when we moved in, and for most of the time, the space has had a car or a skip in it. I've not noticed anything untoward on the Octopus app in terms of usage, so I think this is the first time it has happened since we took it over.
I get free charging at work, so don't often plug my car in, and BF doesn't have an EV yet.

Again, this has not been posted on this sub before. This hit the front page of reddit and has probably been posted on one of the other repost subs. This sub has a 7 day waiting period. It has been 7 days. It has not been posted here before.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is Princemerkimer. They posted in r/Advice

Thanks to u/anicole325 and u/BakingGiraffeBakes for the rec! Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old- this has not been posted in this sub before. This sub has a 7 day waiting period.

Mood Spoiler: happy ending!

Original Post: April 1, 2025

Title: I let a bar in my town borrow two pieces of my art and when I went to pick them up the owner said he didnt know what happened to them and that its likely they were stolen. Any advice?

So the title sums it up fairly well. Ive struggled for years to get my art into local galleries around town but the financial strain of submission fees has made it almost impossible. So I stupidly let a bar / restaurant owner borrow my art for their wall. This was a little less than a year ago after they saw it on display at a vendor market we hosted on the pavement outside the establishment.

The owner really liked my stuff and wanted to put it up but he didnt want to buy it (i know, it was stupid- but i had been drinking that day and was desperate for someone to enjoy my art at the time). Anyway- fast forward to now. I went to the bar with a few friends the other day and noticed that my art wasn't where it normally was- saw the owner there and my buddy is good friends with him so we went up and asked about it. He basically said that he didnt even notice they were gone… when I described the pieces he essentially said “oh yeah i love those paintings- yeah they were probably stolen idk” ( paraphrasing here).

I told him how important they were to me and he was unapologetic about the whole affair. When I tried to make a deal with him he appreciated my gumption to ask but was uninterested in making it right.

Is there anything at all that i can do? Or am i screwed and these paintings gone forever. Would love some advice on this.

Super worried someone in town snatched and destroyed one or both. For context: I live in a pretty religious town and one of the paintings was a gay couple.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: Oh, I wanted to add that I believe borrowing is different than showing. If they asked to hang it then I think they should pay a fair price. I would advise that you don’t burn your bridges if you see interactions with them in the future. Maybe a sweet credit for the bar would work for both parties? Could be interesting.

OOP: Yeah i asked him if he would be down to repay me with beer credits or something similar but he didnt seem interested ☠️

Commenter: Do you have pictures of them? I’d post something to a local FB page and tag the bar saying they were stolen and you’d like them returned. A little public shaming might help things along.

OOP: Yeah i have done this and i have a bunch of friends who are also friends with the bar owner reposting my pics - thanks for the advice !

Commenter: So quite often in bars I will actually see art for sale. There'll be a little pricetag on it.

You should pop on by and see if any of the current art is for sale. My guess is it was a cash-deal.

OOP: Yeah his co owner was supposed to email me to set up a sale price and stuff like that- he never emailed me. So thats another L for me

The timeline:

Yeah im pretty sure it was about a year.
New Comment:
I had been to the bar a bunch of times and even took some people to check out my art and they were always hanging up until now

Commenter: Don’t do that again without a paper-trail and appraisal for amt in case something like this happened. I’m a low risk high reward betting man. And if I had the chance to bet on this I absolutely would. Their hanging in his house , or vacation home or kids home. A business owner. That’s survived for sometime is rarely that much of an airhead he knows where everything came from and where it all went

OOP: Yeah i agree with you- this guy is co-owners with his brother and they own like 4 or 5 businesses in my town 🙄 i know hes not an idiot- he was definitely giving me the run around

Update Post: April 24, 2025 (23 days later)

So i recommend checking out my previous post from r/advice for the original story. Lots of comments saying the situation was a lost cause and to chalk it up to a good life lesson. Well.. we'll see how lost this cause is.

I know someone with experience dealing with the law so they helped me take the next step after I read and considered all the comments on my last post. I went to the bar and talked to one of the bartenders who knows me and asked if they knew anything about the paintings- they said “no, i have no idea what happened to them but we all loved them they were amazing, i didnt know you were such a good artist”. I resisted rolling my eyes at the flattery but moving on-

I asked if the owner was there and they said yep he's sitting inside- sooo i went and spoke with the owner about whether he had checked the storage rooms for the paintings like he promised and he said that they weren't in there. What the owner didnt know is i had a letter in my pocket for them that basically laid down an ultimatum. Pay me for the lost / stolen paintings or return them by a set date.

Well i was nerve-wracked the whole weekend after hand delivering that letter. This dude and his brother run about 4 restaurants in my town so theyre no slouch when it comes to business dealings and needless to say, i was full of anxiety.

On tuesday the 23rd, i got a text from the owner's brother saying, and i quote, “We have your paintings on site. They were put in storage as we were decorating for the holidays.”

Hmmmm very convenient.

I was so excited when i got this text tho. The owner had me convinced they were stolen, mind you. So to know they were safe and sound (despite being lied to - to my face) I was ecstatic.

I went Wednesday to pick them up from the restaurant and when i went to talk to the bartender (a different one than the previously mentioned one) they said something along the lines of “i saw your friends post about them being missing and i was like- thats weird theyre right here in the storage room”.

I played along to be polite cause i still didnt have the paintings in hand yet. But my gut knew the whole staff was in on this BS. Every single person's story has been different so far.

Long story short- i have my paintings back. Ive lost all respect for one of my favorite bars and have learned a valuable lesson about getting everything in writing. To the nay-sayers who told me i had no legal recourse, i hope you all have learned a valuable lesson as well. Your property, is your property. Period.

To all the people who encouraged me to go legal, i salute you. I didnt have to go to court or go to the police but this letter definitely scared the shit out of these dudes.

Thanks everyone for commenting on my last post and hope you all rest easy knowing the paintings are home now lmaoo

Edit: linked pics of the artworks in the comments for those interested

Edit 2: i was at work and wasnt thinking straight - linking the paintings here now cause my brain works again lol

Painting 1

Painting 2

Thanks for all the comments 🍻

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: Next time, have a signed contract with the business, stating the value and that their insurance is liable for loss, theft or damage.

OOP: Yes i got a lot of these comments on the other post - lesson learned

Commenter: Awesome!!! Now make sure you let local artists know if they are dealing with anyone from their several businesses to have a good contract so their work doesn't get "stolen by customers" or "misplaced".

OOP: Definitely will! Thanks for the comment 🍻

Commenter: Kinda just sounds like the owner didn't know where they were because they had been moved by someone without any communication. Jumping to the conclusion that being told something false means you were intentionally lied to seems like a leap of bad faith.

OOP: Idk the stories just didnt add up in the moment- its possible that it was all a misunderstanding.. but my gut tells me otherwise. The very first thing the owner told me was that they were most likely stolen- not "maybe theyre in storage". I was getting a lot of red flags all thru the original conversation

Commenter: May I ask, was the letter from a lawyer? What was the gist?

OOP: The gist was basically if i dont get these paintings or money by a set date then we gonna have a problem

Commenter: Could you go into the backstory/inspiration behind these paintings?

OOP: The kiss is really dorky but im a huge fan of an old show from the 60s called the Time Tunnel. The main characters get lost in time together and .. need i say more? I painted it to symbolize that feeling of resilience gay people needed to have in that era (and today tbh)
The other was an angsty self portrait i painted while working thru some stuff lol not a whole lot to go into on that one 😅
Thanks so much for your interest 🙏

I am NOT OP. The OP of this story is u/tm16801.

Trigger Warnings: Potential Sexual Assault, Accusations of Cheating.

Mood Spoiler: It's complicated, but things are getting better.

Boyfriend of 3 years blacked out and cheated on me and told me and I don’t know what to do., Posted July 12th, 2020.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years now and we have always communicated and trusted each other and have thought we were endgame. Our arguments are short and usually just us explaining why we are upset about something and work to address it together.

He’s had problems with drinking and done a lot of dumb things (not to hurt me but around his friends) when he’s blacked out before and they usually just find it funny. Usually when he drinks he doesn’t have a limit to know when to stop himself and I used to be fine with it bc he wasn’t aggressive or mean to me but noticed it was getting worse. Currently I’m across the country and we haven’t seen each other in 4 months bc of COVID.

My bf called me sobbing and said that he needed to tell me that last month he got extremely drunk and doesn’t remember anything that happened except the very start but thinks he slept with a girl he knew in HS when they were catching up. He said he wanted to tell me in person but didn’t want to spring it on me right when I get back, and says he doesn’t know why he did it he was just out of control drunk and admitted he has an issue with drinking.

I’m still processing how to even feel and I can’t figure out what to do. I respect the fact that he told me even though I would have never found out, and he’s getting tested. If we were to stay together I’d want him to stop drinking completely but is that enough? Can a relationship work after he does something like this? Can trust be rebuilt?

Please give advice I’m so confused and hurt and aside from this our relationship has been incredible and I thought he was the one.

Relevant Comments:

I know this sounds off topic but does anyone else find this friend of his creepy for taking advantage of a black out drunk person?

Thank you for this input because I was thinking about this too. I asked him today and he said she was supposed to be DD for her and a friend but changed her mind late in the night and was definitely less drunk and was the one who initiated. But he said he still doesn’t want me blaming her because he still had an active role in it

UPDATE: BF(22M) of 3 years blacked out and cheated on me(21F) and told me and I don’t know what to do, Posted February 20th, 2025.

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/mHU9QwDDbe

Hey all - it’s been a really really long time since this post, and I haven’t ever given an update. Figured I’d post if anyone was ever in a situation like this and wanted to know how it turned out. We are now 4 years past this incident, and have worked through this together.

So. What happened after this post? He owned up to his mistake. Without me telling him what I wanted him to do, he looked up online what he could do to build back trust. He offered to stop drinking, and found a therapist for himself that specialized in alcohol addiction and relationships. He also suggested couples counseling, and asked if I’d be willing to go with him, but that he would fully cover the costs of the therapy.

In the original post, many asked about if it was consensual. The answer: it’s mixed territory. He had a short memory (black-in?) of being willingly involved with her. As I requested, he called the girl to find out what actually happened. She was more sober than him during this night, and she said that they couldn’t have sex bc of whiskey dick and then out of nowhere he got up and ran out of the room. She got up to follow him and found him knocked out in bed. Once she gave him details, he told her their friendship was over and he was deleting her number from everywhere to focus on fixing his relationship with me, and building trust back.

He still doesn’t know if what she told him is fully true or not, and he would get upset and question it a lot, saying he wanted me to know the complete truth for us to heal but he can’t tell what is real and what isn’t. His therapist told him your mind can play tricks on you when trying to remember pieces of a blackout.

Our couples therapist has been incredible. She has helped strengthen our relationship and took no bullshitting. We built back trust by discussing the hurt & things we could do to feel more comfortable when he goes out with friends. We discussed the idea of “requests” instead of “rules”, as purely controlling someone else can turn into resentment. Phones are not off limits - we have each others passwords. At the start of finding out, we would go through texts and DMs together at my request, and we still do not hide incoming messages from each other (not that we ever did) prior.

It’s been 4 years since this, and while it’s a scar in the relationship, I see him as a man always willing to put in the work in our relationship and in life to make things right. He knew that I never would have found out if he didn’t tell me, but he knew I deserved the truth. If I were to bring the issue up today, he will still acknowledge the pain he caused, apologize for it, and give reassurance to me in whatever way I requested - whether it’s looking at his phone or talking through anything that is a trigger for me, or setting up a call with our therapist.

In some ways, this issue forced us to both mature to make the relationship work. Previously in the relationship, we loved to go out and drink excessively. At frat parties I would also seek out as much alcohol as I could to numb myself, and would yell at him at 3am in an empty frat basement when he was tired and wanted to go to sleep, because I wanted to keep partying. After this incident happened, we realized we were no longer college kids that partied and fought when drunk, and if we wanted to progress our relationship in a healthy way, we both needed to learn how. Counseling helped us become even stronger as a unit. Humans are far from perfect - they make mistakes. But humans are also capable of growing and changing, when they are fully willing to put in the work.

If you are in this situation, the most important thing is how the person owns up to their mistakes and makes active changes to do better.

Relevant Comments:

Looking through the top comments on your original post, it's clear that this sub has gotten a lot more judgmental and less forgiving in the last five years. Today, your post would receive a tsunami of "dump him, once a cheater always a cheater, alcohol doesn't make any difference.

True. Honestly even at the time I was kinda surprised that people were more positive on the post because I had seen so many that were negative. I was expecting people to immediately go “fuck that guy”.

He also felt so much extra guilt because he was looking through posts to try to find out how to be worthy of forgiveness, and there are so many people that claim once a guy cheats they’re trash and unworthy of any type of redemption. It took him a long time to be able to forgive himself as well.

You can forgive a person. And still choose to leave. Forgiveness does not mean you have to stay in the same situation.

Spending years 'checking your partners phone' living with anxiety.. hoping they're not going to do it again, requiring reassurance, working through therapy, crying.. straining your mental health, sometimes even having panic attacks.

No thank you. I choose forgive. But I do not choose to forget. I have enough self love and self respect to understand where my own boundaries are. I choose not to spend the rest of my life with a person who so carelessly would throw those to the side.

OK, so slightly rephrase my previous statement… I've never understood the idea that forgiving and deciding to give someone a second chance is at odds with having self-respect.

I just think it's a bit of poor form to come onto someone else's positive post about how things worked out well for them and imply she lacked self-respect because she didn't leave. And make no mistake, that's exactly what your comment comes across as.

I'm sorry but I don't see this as a 'positive post'. I see a disfunctional relationship that resulted in cheating, and has now resulted in a battle to stay together by scheduling counseling when they need to, checking mobile phones when they need to and recieving reassurance when they need it.

This doesn't sound like a victory dance to me. It sounds like co-dependence and a lot of tears.

Edit:

"Prior to this, our relationship was healthy

frat parties I would also seek out as much alcohol as I could to numb myself, and would yell at him at 3am in an empty frat basement when he was tired and wanted to go to sleep, because I wanted to keep partying. After this incident happened, we realized we were no longer college kids that partied and fought when drunk"

So which part was healthy prior to the cheating? The fighting at 3am? The drinking into oblivion?

That’s a big stretch there. Prior to this, our relationship was healthy, but we were also college kids that enjoyed to go out partying and drinking very heavily. That comes with consequences - health, friendships, relationships, school, etc. the only arguments we ever had (not many, but they did happen) were when we were very drunk. Once we started to grow up and experience our twenties (26 now), we matured enough together to realize we needed to make changes if we wanted to be better. I checked his phone maybe twice? The rest of the time now I just have his password, so if he wants me to text his friends when he’s driving, or do something when my phone is out of reach, I can.

Also - couples therapy isn’t bad at all. Therapy is a great tool for individuals to overcome trauma & issues, couples therapy is a great tool for two individuals to learn to handle these issues better together, as they aren’t in your mind and don’t know what you’re going through.

Not sure how to feel about this really. Only been black out drunk once. Didnt remember anything from after a certain point until waking up in my wifes bed, naked, with no idea how I got there or why I was naked.

So I guess idk how to really feel about calling it cheating...

Yeah, I feel the same way. Depending on who I talk to, people have different takes on it, including therapists. Cheating? SA? Some middle territory? In terms of couples therapy we mainly spoke about it as a break of trust and where to go from there.

Blackouts are scary when really thinking about it- you can act completely different and have no recollection of behavior.

Not to go all whataboutism or anything, but the guy was blacked out and taken advantage of when too drunk to consent. Alcohol issues? Yes. Cheating? Eh, if you count SA as cheating, then I guess so, but come on, the guy was assaulted and on top of that has to be the one to pick up the pieces of it in his relationship? I hope for his sake that therapy was focussing on helping him process it too, and not just about him being a dirty cheating liar or something

Yeah, I do agree. The incident at hand was extremely complex. It’s considered SA because if you’re drunk, you can’t consent, even though he didn’t say no& he partook. But also he can’t really remember most of it because he was blacked out. At the same time that doesn’t excuse someone in a monogamous relationship from having multiple drunk hookups and claiming it isn’t cheating as a result. In therapy we talked about it as a breach of trust, and where to go from there. That this was the only time I’d be willing to move on from this & if something like this ever happened again, I’d be done. This included a lot of discussions mainly around alcohol, as I truly believe this never would have happened sober.

This seems like one of the only cases where I could see the "cheating" be logically termed as a "mistake" in some way. Somehow, from his subsequent actions, he doesn't sound like a guy who would have consciously cheated on you otherwise...and he does seem serious about fixing it. But do ensure he has enough sense of responsibility to not get black-out drunk like that. Things far worse could happen in such situations.

Yeah I agree with you. Had his response been “it’s not a big deal”, or he hadn’t taken any actual accountability, that would have been the end of it for me. But he was fully willing to take any and all leaps to be forgiven. It definitely could have been much worse. From this, we are a lot more careful about who we go out with & having our guards up. If we are in a safe environment with close friends, we are able to let loose more, but if it’s with acquaintances we are a lot more cautious and make sure to check in with each other more often.

So much drama for such a young couple and relationship was also not that long.. Most ppl wouldn’t want to go through all that drama and just start new. But hey OP seems to want it so, good luck with healing!

I can understand your point of view, I was very mixed at the time on how I wanted to proceed. My take on it is that every long lasting relationship is going to go through some high highs, and low lows. Both of you are going to fuck up at times, and you’ll need to know how each of you respond to it. Now I know his behavior after making a big mistake & the proactive steps he takes to prevent it from happening again.

Reminder - I am not OP.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Remarkable-Rust-230

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: 1

[New Update]: AITAH for not rescheduling my wedding after my sister was widowed?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: death of a loved one, possibly struggles with grief

Mood Spoilers: sad, but happy at the end

RECAP

Original Post: March 27, 2025

I (34M) am supposed to get married next month. Now I'm not sure it's going to happen.

My partner's sister (35F) was widowed last month. I've gotten a front row seat of how it has rocked my soon to be in-laws. Everyone has really tried going above and beyond for his sister, making sure she's as comfortable as possible. And I truly can't imagine, you know? You'd probably have to institutionalize me if something happened to my boy.

My partner's mom came to him a few days ago and asked if he would consider postponing the wedding. She said they would cover all the lost money, would help us re-plan, etc. Apparently his sister has said there's no way she can attend the wedding, and his mom knew how important it was to him to have her there, so she just wanted to offer an alternative plan.

I'm not very sentimental, but my partner is. Our wedding was planned for the 10 year anniversary of when we met. That's something that meant a lot to him, which makes it mean a lot to me, too.

I'm trying to be sympathetic, but I'm just fucking raging. I can't help it. My emotions aren't allowing me to be objective. I know his mom came to him in good faith, but it makes me so angry to think about this being put on his shoulders a month before our wedding. He was so excited. And now I'm worried that if we don't reschedule, he's just going to be in his head the whole time, feeling guilty and unable to fully enjoy himself.

I know his sister is hurting. I'm trying my absolute hardest not to piss off the family that is soon to be mine, one that's already mine in a lot of ways. Still, I'm so mad. I'd appreciate some objective POVs.

EDIT: Getting lots of shes and hers in and comments. I’m a man. Doesn’t having much weight in the story, just wanted to clear it up.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: This sounds like something you should discuss with your partner not random people on the internet. Until you do you don’t actually know how he feels. Whatever you decide together is the right decision for you as a couple. Just understand that there may be consequences with familial relationships depending on the choice you make.

OOP: We’ve talked and he’s torn. I’m trying to follow his lead because this impacts him more than me.

But I’m just so frustrated. Never at him, but them for putting him in his position, by putting this weight on his shoulders. Planning has been a lot of work, but it’s exciting because we know what’s coming. Now we either have to do it for a second time, rebooking everything without that same excitement, or we have a wedding where no matter how good my partner feels, there will be guilt and sadness thrown in too. It’s unfair.

I’m half inclined to agree to cancel it all and elope. No distractions, just us.

Commenter 2: Cancel, get the money back from the in laws. Elope to somewhere fantastic. Throw a KILLER first anniversary party.

OOP: I’m open to this. I’ve always been indifferent to a big wedding. That’s why I’m so focused on my husband’s feelings throughout all of this. This is his baby. I just want to see him so, so happy.

I’ll talk to him about it. As long as he’s satisfied, I am. And I guess there is an asshole part of me that’s still frustrated with how long we spent planning only to have it thrown away, but that’s something I’m trying to work on. Being flexible isn’t always my strong suit.

Downvoted Commenter: Yea YTA. Do you have no empathy/sympathy? While I understand you have a wedding with a lot of expenses. This is a situation where you make the best of it as it wasn’t intentional. Harboring resentment over something like this is WILD.

OOP: Of course I have sympathy for them. I hate that any of this happened. Her husband was a good man.

It’s not about the expenses. I’m frustrated because my priority, my partner, is being put in a really shitty position. I’m more mad at the world than at his family. I just know how much this means to him. Like, that’s my guy. My other half. I hate knowing he has to make this decision, I hate that he’s going to feel selfish and weird about going through with something he’s put his time/effort/heart into. It all fucking blows.

OOP on if his in-laws really like him

OOP: My soon to be mother-in-law and I are really close. There have been circumstances in my life that have made me really wary of parental figures, but I trust her completely. That’s why I know she made the offer with good intentions.

OOP should consider on working things out with his fiance to figure out what steps to take and have grace for his SIL and MIL, especially his partner on the family tragedy

OOP: I appreciate the perspective.

Taking care of my fiancé feels like the easiest thing in the world. It always has. Taking care of other people doesn’t come quite so naturally. For a large portion of my teens and early 20s, I was pretty isolated. Being by myself was something of a survival mechanism back then. And then I met him. I was kind of like the human embodiment of a one-human pet who loves one person and reluctantly puts up with everyone else.

I’ve grown up a lot in the decade I’ve known him. His family has been really good to me. But I think in times like these, when I’m scared and angry and sad, I go back to my one-human stray cat mode.

Hoping that made even the tiniest semblance of sense. Not sure why all these animal analogies are coming out in my comments either.

The point is, sometimes I’m not great at big picture. I can’t imagine what it would be like in her shoes, having to go on with the knowledge of so many unlived moments. I’m not trying to be unempathetic at all. I’m just trying to juggle a lot right now.

OOP on his fiance making decisions regarding the wedding and how he is supporting him

OOP: My fiancé is going to make a decision over the next coming days, and I’m going to support whatever he chooses. This would be suuuper nice though. I would love two weeks far, far away from everyone in the world besides him.

Thank you for the kind comments, they mean a lot. I love him in a way I wish I could tell 15 year old me about to give old me some hope. I would do any number of ridiculous things to make him happy. He’s the kindest, sweetest person. Gentle and warm. I learn so much from him. :)

Update: April 13, 2025 (2.5 weeks later)

I'm a married man. :)

I let my husband take the lead on making the decisions here and let him know I would support whatever he chose. After some discussion, we decided to cancel the wedding and elope instead. My husband said he wouldn't feel right, gathering all his family and our friends without his sister present, but it was still very important to him that we got married on the date we first met.

It was perfect. It was exactly the right choice. It was quiet and intimate and us. There's nothing in the world I love more than seeing him smile, and he was stuck in perpetual :D mode. I was so worried if we had the wedding, I would look over and see him looking anything less than thrilled because it wasn't how he envisioned it without his sister there. I think the complete change in expectation made it easier for him to let go. Again: exactly the right choice. We're on cloud nine.

In the lead up, there was a lot of calling vendors, friends, and family to let them know we were cancelling. It was very short notice and we weren't rescheduling anything, so we lost all of our deposits. Our loved ones were really understanding of our decision, at least over the phone. We had very few people flying in, only three friends, and his mom agreed to cover their flights as well.

Finally, to address my anger. Most of it was directed towards the universe, but I'll admit that I was mad at my mother-in-law. Discussions about our wedding and his sister's grief were ones we were already having. Still, a third party coming to him and making this request felt cruel, in the moment. It felt like a guilt trip, like unnecessary pressure on my husband when he was already having to make these decisions anyway. We eventually made the choice we wanted to make, but he did tell me at one point he didn't want his mom to think he was heartless if we had the wedding without his sister.

Emotions were running high for everyone. I don't think his mom would ever think he's heartless. I know no one was out to get us. His mom was doing her best to make the day comfortable for everyone and navigating that is basically impossible. Still, I'm not sorry for my anger. And maybe that still makes me the asshole, but I'll be the asshole who loves his husband and puts him first in every situation.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Congratulations to both! 🍻 to a lifetime of happiness !

OOP: Thank you (and all the other commenters sending congratulations!)

I feel so lucky. Peace was something that didn’t exist for me for most of my life, particularly in my late teens/early 20s. Then he came along and changed everything. 🤍

Commenter 2: Does the family know yet 👀

OOP: Nope. We’ve been in a hotel suite having a little staycation all weekend, so neither of us have been on our phones much at all. My mind has just been on him, haha.

Commenter 3: NTA. You put your husband first, made a kind choice, and handled it with love. Congrats on your marriage!

----NEW UPDATE----

Update #2: April 24, 2025

I wanted to give one last update just answering some final questions that people had.

My MIL did make good on her promise to cover costs. She reimbursed 3 friends of ours for their flights, and us for all the money we lost in deposits.

She is also now aware that we’re married. My husband went over to help her with something and she noticed his ring. I wasn’t there, so this is a secondhand account from him. She was apparently a little annoyed and talked about how much she wanted to be there and that cancelling didn’t mean we had to still run out and get married, especially without telling her. My husband said he was firm in letting her know that we appreciated her reimbursing us, but that our wedding wasn’t something she could just place continuous demands on.

The only person he has trouble standing up to is his mom, and he said “I was thinking the whole time about how you’d be proud of me.” And I am so proud of him! It's probably best I wasn't there. He handled it and there was no risk of me running my mouth.

SIL still doesn't know. She's, understandably, not doing great right now. Neither of us have seen her for a couple weeks now but my husband tries to get her on the phone at least once every few days.

Will we reschedule? I'm letting my husband have the final say with this. Recently we've been leaning towards an extended honeymoon instead.

And finally, am I a sociopath? This question wasn’t posed directly to me, but was being discussed on a different subreddit, along with speculations about my family life and comments wondering why I didn't mention my husband's reaction to the death.

I can put the sociopath rumors to rest — I have a lot of very intense feelings, which is pretty antithetical to the whole concept. It is true my home life wasn't safe or happy, though. I feel like I've made that pretty clear without diving into details. Being gay and being “raised” by small-minded people is rough. I was in therapy for years. So yeah, I'm not great at extended family dynamics. I try. My husband understands. That man has met me where I'm at so many times and I'm so grateful. Oh, I looooooove him. Being treated gently after never having experienced that before was (and still is) life altering.

I didn't come here to discuss anyone's grief in detail. I still won't be doing that. It's not necessary and it's very personal. These posts were about rescheduling the wedding and that question has been answered.

Thank you for all the advice given and all the kind words. It really helped me figure out a solution and feel my emotions without burdening those close to me with them.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA

An extended honeymoon sounds like a really lovely idea, and for what it's worth, I really don't think you are a sociopath for wanting to go through with the wedding.

If you had demanded she attend your wedding and made a huge fuss about her not going, THAT would have been sociopathic.

But that wasn't what you were doing.

Take a long honeymoon. Focus on you two and let this all be a reminder to enjoy each other as much as you can while you have each other.

Maybe also send SiL some flowers or a care basket so she knows you are thinking about her? Get her a little something special while overseas so she has something to cheer her up when you guys come back?

OOP: My husband is happy with sight-seeing or being the person who rots on a lounge chair in a resort, he’s up for either. And usually I’m anti-resort but now I’m considering how nice it would be to just take two/three weeks and relax.

The ultimate dream is Scotland for me. The photos make it look so beautiful… but I’m thinking maybe we save Scotland for a regular vacation and stick to something less busy for the honeymoon. I don’t want to go somewhere where we’ll regret just staying in our room for a few days out of the trip, you know? Euro locations have so much to do and see that we’ll want to be out every single day vs a resort, I will happily lock myself away for a while, haha.

If anyone has any recommendations, feel free to drop them. Adult-only + privacy are both really important to us. We’ve been looking into Serenity at Coconut Bay in St. Lucia but we’re very much still just discussing and dreaming right now.

Commenter 2: I'm really confused why anyone would think you were a sociopath, that seems a bit... much.

OOP: It was a bit much. It’s actually a pretty long comment. You can read it here.

One part says, “And it feels like OOP is deciding that this date is so very important to his husband, without ever really talking to the man.” That’s not even being uncharitable about the situation, that’s just completely making things up, haha.

Commenter 3: NTA.You set boundaries, handled it with compassion, and protected your peace. That’s not selfish it’s healthy. Let the gossipers talk. You chose love, not drama. Enjoy that extended honeymoon you earned it.

Commenter 4: “I’m sorry there was some kind of confusion on your end. We planned to get married on that date, and we had chosen the people we preferred to be with us when we did it. You asked us to cancel it, we did. That doesn’t mean we changed our date or plans to be married, just that we agreed we wouldn’t do it where we wanted it with the people we wanted around us. That’s how these things work.”

Done.

ETA: Congratz and I’m so happy for you two!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/AlterOfEve

Originally posted to r/CharlotteDobreYouTube

Aunt Of Nephew I’m Babysitting Shames Me For Not Speaking Their First Language

Editor's note: made small edits for ease of readability

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: verbal abuse, possible xenophobia

Original Post: April 22, 2025

Okay, people of Reddit! I have officially encountered someone that I wonder how they are not embarrassed by their actions! Names are fake.

I have been babysitting this boy, Daniel, for about twice a week for about six or seven hours a day. His mom stays at home and I’m there to keep her son entertained as she cleans or gets to rest for a bit.

Now this family is wonderful. The mother and father treat me like a family member and it’s amazing. Now, I usually arrive at their house after the mom, Maria, calls her family/in-laws. I arrive later in the morning and Maria usually wakes up early to call them because of time difference.

This time, however, Maria gives me her phone, with her mother and father on the other side. She leaves to do work downstairs and Daniel is being entertained by his grandmother and grandfather. I sit beside Daniel, watching over him, and just not butting in.

That phone call goes smoothly. It’s the next phone call that makes me irritated. Maria’s sister, Tiffany, calls. I answer and basically do the same thing. Don’t talk and just watch over Daniel.

Then, out of the blue, she starts talking to me. I’m like, ‘oh, she maybe wants to speak to me because I’m the babysitter’.

I introduce myself and so does she. Daniel starts to fuss and I start to hold him. Now, Maria’s family is bilingual. They speak English and Spanish, so Daniel says some things in Spanish and some things in English.

I know very little Spanish. Best I can do is count to ten. Since babysitting Daniel, I’ve picked up some Spanish but not a lot as I don’t have good memory and don’t practice it outside of their house as nobody in my family speaks Spanish.

Anyway, Tiffany asks if I know any Spanish. I tell her the truth. That I barely know any but I’m starting to pick up some words.

She responds with a laugh and says I will learn Spanish as I go. Which I thought were words of encouragement. Like she was just trying to be helpful. I mean, it wouldn’t be bad if I picked up even a little Spanish. But what’s crazy is the remarks she kept making about me on how I couldn’t speak Spanish.

She was very condescending and spoke to me as if I was lesser than her. She kept speaking to Daniel in Spanish. Which, I don’t care, but it’s the way my name kept popping up when she was speaking to him that didn’t sit right with me. I just knew she was talking crap about me.

Or that’s what my gut feeling said, anyway. Could be wrong, but it felt like she was talking crap about me. Been bullied enough times to know when someone’s talking crap about me even if they’re speaking another language lol.

Anyway, after about an hour of her continuous comments about how I couldn’t speak Spanish and her talking to Daniel, she had to go. When she asked for kisses from Daniel, I feel like I won.

You know why? He started to give kisses to me instead of her. I will let everyone know this. I do kinda have anger issues. I’ve been working on them and I’m proud to say I’m getting better at controlling my anger and I haven’t lashed out at anybody in a year. So when Daniel started to kiss my cheek, even with his aunt trying to tell him ‘no, kiss me, kiss the screen, blow me a kiss’, all the anger that was was simmering and starting to boil vanished. It evaporated.

When she hung up I felt overjoyed. And, honestly, I wish I could’ve given Daniel a medal. He wouldn’t have understood why, of course, but he was a true hero in that scenario.

I honestly thought about telling Maria about what Tiffany was saying to me, but I didn’t. Her family arrives in about two days and I didn’t want to start any drama. I mean, I’m probably never going to see or speak to Tiffany again. And if I do, it’ll be through a phone and only for maybe an hour.

I did the right thing, right? Honestly, the petty in me is saying to tell Maria. But my logic is saying it’s unnecessary. So I’m being good by not telling her, right? I shouldn’t potentially create drama for a little thing like this. Plus, I Daniel got revenge for me lol.

Anyway, thank you for letting me vent this story to you all! Hope you found joy in it!

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: You'd better tell her. The aunt did talk about you, in Spanish, to a child. Just explain that it makes you uncomfortable and that you've already had a bad experience like this and that you don't want it to happen again or you'll no longer be able to look after a little boy who adores you. Think about him too, he shouldn't be exposed to this kind of behavior and think it's normal. He may have kissed you now, but let's not forget that a young child can be impressionable.

OOP: Omg you’re so right. I didn’t even think about that! Thank you!

Commenter 2: Or ask your boss if she would like you to learn more Spanish. Let her know that the aunt was speaking Spanish for about an hour to Daniel, but you couldn't understand much more than your name, which she mentioned several times, and that you suspect by the tone that it might not have been very nice.

OOP: My boss only said I needed to learn few words to understand her son. Like ‘shoes’, ‘help’, ‘water’, etc in Spanish. I don’t need to learn Spanish, it was never a requirement. So, yeah, I’ll tell my boss. I didn’t want to cause an argument, since she’s coming so soon, but she probably will get worse once she gets here.

Commenter 3: Whatever she was saying to Daniel made him love you even more! She was no doubt belittling you and/or telling him not to like you. He knows you and knew what she was saying was very wrong. Even a baby can pick up on bad vibes.

OOP: That’s very true!

Commenter 4: I think you should tell your boss and tell her that you feel uncomfortable with the situation and maybe the sister can call, when she is around and not you.

And tell her that the sister kept talking about you in Spanish and you don’t feel well with the situation.

They hired you as a babysitter, they should not let their relatives bother you.

Update: April 24, 2025 (two days later)

So, hey guys, here with an update. And I got Tiffany in trouble.

Okay, so here’s the tea. I babysat early in the morning again. And Maria had called Tiffany. Maria went downstairs and Tiffany had… started acting out. Again. So, what did I do this time? Well, heh, I might have started screen recording on Maria’s phone…

I thought over the comments the night before I was babysitting again but I decided not to tell Maria unless I had evidence. I mean, they’re family. I also don’t want to lose Maria’s trust by saying Tiffany did something and then Tiffany saying she didn’t and me being let go of the job.

Anyway, after recording and Tiffany hanging up, I start playing with Daniel until he goes downstairs for his nap. Maria and I are alone watching Daniel from the baby monitor as we start making some food.

This is where I drop the bomb. I tell her what Tiffany has been doing. Now, I don’t know much Spanish. So I don’t know what Tiffany had been saying about me. But judging by Maria’s expression as she watched an hours worth of Tiffany being on the phone, I can tell it’s kinda bad.

Maria apologized to me, which I told her she didn’t have to because it wasn’t her fault, but she was insistent on apologizing because, in her words, ‘Tiffany is family. And she shouldn’t have said that to you’.

Anyway, after that, she started calling people. Probably family, as she was speaking fast in Spanish. She sounded upset, rightfully so. She had called multiple people while I watched Daniel on the baby monitor.

I also saw that Tiffany had tried calling Maria a few times only to be ignored.

Tiffany and the rest of Maria’s family will be visiting in like one or two days… so I hope I didn’t start any major conflict but Maria definitely needed to know.

If I find out anything else I’ll update ya’ll!

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Updates when you can please. Also, make sure to record her again cuz you just know she’s gonna go after you when she gets a chance.

OOP: Will do. I will definitely record her again. She’s coming soon as well, which makes me more nervous. I know I won’t likely run into her, but I can’t shake the feeling I will.

Commenter 2: Yay for the win!

Auntie is SOO wrong in many ways, but please take some knowledge from an EAL professional:

Having a NATIVE English L1 speaker spending a good amount of quality time with their bilingual child will only do wonders for his understanding and development of English.

He already has lots of family in his life to teach him their perfect LI Spanish.

I would not be surprised to hear that his parent chose an LI English speaker specifically for that purpose.

Bilingual people recognise the value in immersion in L1 language use to further deepen understanding.

For anyone who doesn't understand:

Don't try to communicate with a child in your flawed L2, if the child is bilingual. It will hamper their development of that language.

I hope you have lots of fun working with that little delight and continue to enjoy working for his parents.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Throwaway592j1

My [19F] manager [25M] had unlocked my phone and was recording a private video of me and my partner onto his own phone, and I caught him

TRIGGER WARNING: Invasion of privacy, theft of a personal/intimate video, sexism, hostile workplace, workplace sexual harassment, retaliation

MOOD SPOILER: Infuriating

Original Post July 13, 2016

Apologies for any formatting issues as I am on my phone. I'm also sorry if this is the wrong place to post this, but I didn't know where else to go.

I work in a retail store with different departments. This involved the manager of my specific department.

Today, he suggested that he, I and the other colleague working our department go and help out on another department, since we were finished for the time being, and the other department was short staffed. This was nothing new, and happens a lot. We all went down there and worked together for a bit. He disappears; I assume he's just been called elsewhere, and think nothing of it.

I had left my phone to charge in the office, which I haven't done before today. I was running very low though and needed it to last. I did hide it, but I understand it was stupid of me to leave it like that.

I finish what I'm doing before I'm due back, but I head back anyway. I go into the office to check my phone and find my manager with my phone in one hand, his phone in the other. I had approached close enough as he noticed me to see that he had his video recorder running on his phone, but he had managed to close my phone. His hands were shaking violently. For clarification, I didn't know that he knew my password.

I asked why he was on my phone and what the hell he was doing. He claimed he was just taking a picture of my Pokemon on Pokemon GO to send to a friend on snapchat. I then asked why would unlock my phone just for that, why didn't he ask, and why were his hands shaking? He says they aren't shaking, but they are, and really violently.

I unlocked my phone and he had closed the app so it was on the home screen. So I looked at my open apps list, and there, open, was an extremely private video of me and my partner (I don't wish to elaborate, but I hope you can fill in the gaps :/). He had been recording this private video to his own phone.

I freaked out and ran off to the staff area and to the toilets. By this point I was crying hysterically and a manager of another department had seen me run in there. She came to ask if I was okay, what was wrong, I said at the time I couldn't say. She said that was fine, and to go home if I needed to. She suggested I get a drink and some fresh air.

I went outside, and my manager was out there. He pleads with me to talk to him, that he's really sorry, trying to grab me etc etc. I told him to leave me alone and do not touch/talk to me, and walked outside the car park as far as I could without leaving the site. He thankfully didn't follow me. I called my friend to pick me up, went back inside to collect my stuff and left.

I called my boyfriend as soon as he got off work and he urged me to call the store manager and report him. My friend is saying to do this too.

I'm worried about reporting him because I feel like it will destroy my friendships with other colleagues who are also good friends with him, and I don't want to do that, but I also know that I can't go back to work with him anymore. It feels like a lose-lose for me. I like my job, besides what happened today, and I don't want to lose it, but I feel like if I don't leave and report him, I'll be driven out.

I'm sorry this is all so jumbled but my head is a mess. I'm so worried and mortified and upset. He had texted me apologising saying he'd deleted the video he took, but how do I know this? What if he took more than one video? What if he distributes this? That's not only damaging to me, but my poor partner too. What if I let him get away with it, and he ends up doing it to someone else? I can't trust him. I don't know what to do. I feel so violated.

My boyfriend is going as far to suggest police. I don't want to do that. But I have to do something.

Does anybody have any advice on how to go about this? Again, I'm sorry for how jumbled and ridiculous my words may sound but I can't think straight.

Thank you all

Tl;dr: my manager recorded an extremely private video of myself and my partner from my phone. My partner is pushing to me to report but I'm worried about consequences. Going as far as to suggest police. Desperately seeking advice on what steps to take next.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Fitzwilliger

Your partner is right. You should report this, and you should take it to the police.

OOP

    I have read all comments, which lead me to think it best to take it to highest management first, and based on the outcome I will decide whether to take it to the police. I'd like to avoid police if I am able to. But I will if I need to. Thank you very much for your advice

sugr_magnolia

Please call the police. He accessed your phone without your consent (how the fuck did he even get your passcode? I shudder to think) and was not only watching an intimate video of you, but HE WAS FUCKING RECORDING IT!!!!

Management will investigate, sure. But he will have deleted the videos by the time they do. You need to call the police NOW NOW NOW NOW because they will confiscate his phone and be able to recover the videos.

Store management =/= law enforcement. They can't take his phone. They can't search his phone. Law enforcement can. This man is a sexual predator, and I'm sure your coworkers will be able to see this once he's arrested.

~

Kenn_Doll

SAVE THE TEXT FROM HIM ADMITTING WHAT HE DID

OOP

    I have taken a screenshot of it

OOP replying to a deleted Commenter that the stolen videos were for the managers "personal use"

You're right. As far as his intentions go, I would've guessed personal use. I probably should've mentioned this but he had already told me before he finds me attractive, but he seems to find everyone attractive. I hear him laughing with other colleagues about people they see who they find "giggidy" (I know). I always found this quite disgusting and weird especially since he actually has a fiancee, and I have a boyfriend, but I knew it wasn't my place. Another colleague assured me this is just him being him... I thought it better just to let it slide. I thought seeing as he had a fiancee I was pretty safe. I guess not. Should I have seen this sooner? I feel so stupid.

But you're right. I don't trust him, I don't know what he could do. I'll report to the store manager. Thank you for your advice.

Edit; hello everyone, I just woke up and it's the next day. I want to sincerely thank every one of you who commented and gave advice, I am eternally grateful. I have to go to work in about an hour and I am going straight to the store manager and/or HR and reporting this once I get there. Many of you are suggesting I go straight to the police as well and I am strongly considering it, as people have said he may still have traces of the video that I definitely want destroyed. I need to speak to my boyfriend first though because I'm scared of dealing with the police on my own. So far I'm definitely going to be seeing a manager though. I will post an edit at the end of it. Again, my deepest gratitude. I will try to respond to comments when I get some time. You guys are fantastic. Thank you

Update Aug 14, 2016 (1 month later)

Hello everyone. First of all, big apologies for how long overdue this update is. Since the rules limit me for one update only I wanted to have the most full outcome to give you. Thank you all so, so much for your help and support and advice, I didn't expect so many people to respond to me and I really am grateful.

Sadly the outcome isn't so happy. My conclusion from the original post was to go to highest management first and then police if the result wasn't satisfactory, which is what I did.

I went straight to the store manager the morning after my post and was advised to write up and sign a formal grievance, which I did. I then met with two other managers to discuss the details of what happened and any other relevant stuff. They told me they'd talk to the manager in question and any witnesses and get back to me in a week after investigations had taken place. In the meantime, my manager was not allowed to work with me and was told to reschedule all his shifts or work elsewhere.

A week passed and I heard nothing. When I went to find out, apparently due to staff holidays it couldn't be completed in time. I asked how much longer and was told a week. I felt this was too long and was really restless by this point already and so my boyfriend came with me to speak to the police.

We explained the situation and my details were taken down and then we met with a sergeant. To summarise, she told us that in the UK there is no specific law against accessing someone's private phone/recording off someone's private phone without permission. As such, they are unable to search his phone as no arrests can be made. The only thing they could do was go to his house and explain it had been reported and that if he ever distributed it he would be arrested, which they did, and he LIED TO THE POLICE and said he hadn't done anything. Sadly, they said there was nothing more they could do.

The internal investigation then concluded and I was told my manager had denied everything, made up a false excuse for the apology text he sent me and basically called me a liar. They told me that there is no CCTV where it happened and nobody who was in the area at the time saw anything (no shit, they were the complete opposite end of the room, as I had already explained). They tried to say they weren't taking sides, but to be honest it seemed like they were. They're moving ME from the department instead of him, because moving him is "harder". I really enjoyed my job and now basically I have to suffer because my manager is a disgusting liar. They don't seem to care how serious this is. I ended up almost crying when they legitimately said "maybe you didn't see anything at all". I feel like they're accusing me of lying and imagining it, even though one of the managers involved was the one that caught me in the corridor bawling my eyes out.

I really wish I could've given a happy update. I'm so upset that I have to move and give up something I enjoy when he gets off without even a slap on the wrist, goes on knowing he can probably do this again to someone else and carry on being the scumbag he is, not to mention, he might still have the videos. He may have distributed them already but how the hell would I know. I have no idea what to do now. The police say nothing else can be done. If anyone has any legal advice around this issue within the UK law then I would be very very grateful for that.

Sorry for the length, and if it's worded badly. Again, thank you all for your advice. I'm sorry this was a bad update.

tl;dr: Went to higher management and police about how I caught my manager recording a private video from my phone to his phone. He lied to both; management say not enough evidence to do anything, he gets to keep his job but I have to lose mine. Police say nothing can be done due to no UK law surrounding the subject.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Bilk_Ozbi

Wow, that is such shit. Have you thought about going to a lawyer or going to the media?

"maybe you didn't see anything at all" This makes me fucking sick.

Also, even though you're in the UK, /r/legaladvice still may be able to help.

OOP

    I'd rather not go to the media due to the sensitive nature of the subject, to be honest. As for a lawyer, I have no experience with lawyers or anything like it so I wouldn't know where to begin, and I don't know if I could afford one. Crossing this over to /r/legaladvice / /r/legaladviceuk sounds like a good idea. Thank you

~

FECAL_BURNING

I don't know how it is in UK law, but because of the differences between the word "sorry" in the commonwealths vs the states, ("Sorry" in the USA is an admission of guilt, whereas "Sorry" in Canada is also more commonly used as a "funeral sorry") it may not be admissible as an apology.

tgrdem

    Yes, but he told her he deleted the video in one of these texts. That's pretty convincing.

OOP

        He told the managers that the reference in his text to deleting something was about something completely different - iirc, he made out like he was going to send a text to someone regarding my wellbeing or something. He made like I had confided something that I didn't want other people knowing and was mad he was going to tell other people. By the looks of it, they believed him.

~

Giant_Sucking_Sound

I know, it sucks because the guy always and in all cases deserves the benefit of the doubt. /s

KA1N3R

    Honestly, People almost always take the side of someone who has a higher-rank and/or they know for a longer amount of time.

    Sadly, there doesn't seem to be any evidence to help OP.

OOP

        They actually said they were moving me instead of him because it was harder to move someone of a higher position, he's "needed" and they'd have to reduce his pay, which would be "unfair on him"

~

[deleted]

That's such bullshit, a phone might be a telecommunications device but these days it's also a personal computer and unauthorised access of a computer is a crime under the Computer Misuse Act in the UK. There's bound to be something they can do!

OOP

    The sergeant did say that she thought it was ridiculous it wasn't specifically outlawed, but of course she has to abide to the book :/ It might be worth mentioning the Misuse Act

OOP added more to a similar comment

    The police have told me to come straight away if I ever found it had been distributed. It's been reported so they said they'd react to it quickly. I have considered asking his fiancee to check his phone but I want to avoid dragging innocent parties in if I can. But it may be necessary. Thank you so much. I'm really grateful. I've applied for other jobs, I'm hoping I'll hear back.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/StarDustAutobot

Originally posted to r/weddingattireapproval

Is this cape appropriate for a bridesmaid for an October wedding?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: emotional manipulation, golden child syndrome

Original Post: April 22, 2025

A pic of the cape

r/fashion told me to come here and get your guys' opinion.

Bridesmaid wants to wear this cape instead of a shawl for a wedding that takes place in October this year in case it will be cold.

Upon the bride's wishes, everyone's dresses will also be red so she thinks it matches. Please knock some sense into her

Additional Information from OOP to clarify up on her roles in the said wedding

OOP: It won't let me edit the post so I think a more detailed explanation is needed.

I am neither the bride nor the bridesmaid in question. I am just another member of the bridal party.

Now, the bridesmaids in question is the bride's twin sister and there was always bad blood between them growing up. The twin of the bride is the so called golden child and constantly up staged the bride which is why they are low contact. Once again she must be jealous or wishes to be in the spotlight if she plans on wearing this ridiculous cape which will not even keep her warm as she claims. Must be because the twin is not married or in a relationship even.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: 1) that wont be keeping anyone warm in october, its see through

2. it looks like an alternative brides bridal train...

3. its very 'look at me, i want attention' and doing that on someone's wedding is yikes.

Unless she has specifically asked the bride, and shown a picture of that, and has got specific approval for that item of clothing, then no.

OOP: I doubt she will be getting any approval.

Commenter 2: I'm not sure if you're the bride or not, but if you are, please feel very free to tell her that the answer is simply "no" and that your mind won't be changed on this.

I cannot imagine the thought process that leads someone to ask something like this, but then again, I realize I am not the main character in every story...

OOP: I am not the bride, thankfully. She is, however the bride's twin sister. They are not on good terms and she has always up staged the bride for most of their lives growing up.

    Commenter 3: Why is a person with a horrible relationship to anyone getting married even in the wedding party? That makes no sense. Ugh. And yes, if the goober wears this thing, make sure it gets stepped on A BUNCH. Yikes.

        OOP: People in our culture value family relationships very much. It's indeed unfortunate but there were some fights about the twin not attending the wedding or be part of the bridal party. Hopefully everything will be sorted out.

Is the bride and the bridesmaid identical twins?

OOP: Identical yes, but with their current looks they don't look at first glance.

OOP on the bridesmaid wearing the cape due to the possible cold weather at the wedding

OOP: The shawl was the main idea. She's only doing this out of spite if you ask me.

Update: April 23, 2025 (next day)

If you have no idea what I am talking about, there is a link to my previous post.

The post has gotten a lot of attention over the night and I am glad people got a laugh out of it, because so did I and everyone else in the party. My insights say it has over a million views too!

For those of you who asked if it is a Dracula wedding, it is unfortunately not but me, the bride and almost every other guest lives somewhere in Transylvania lmao. Anyway, the bride has seen the cape and did not like it. After a lot of back and forth, the twin of the bride, aka the bridesmaid who wanted to wear the cape will no longer participate in the wedding, not even as a guest.

Thank you for your great insights!

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Okay wait, this bridesmaid was the bride’s twin sister and she’s now no longer attending at all?! Please tell me there is more to this story!

OOP: Oh, yes. I don't have all the details as this took place at their parents place but I did get a short text from their little brother on how there was name calling and mostly threats. It turns out the twin already bought the cape and when the bride saw it it was the last straw. She was uninvited for good.

It is an ugly case of twins growing up with one being the golden child. In this case it was the bride's sister. I suppose she's not happy about the bride being married first. And to a wonderful man at that.

Commenter 2: Whoa!! So the bridesmaid that wanted to wear this was the bride's twin??!!!!! Oh yeah she is used to sharing the spotlight and didn't like being left out. How sad.

OOP: That is exactly it.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP