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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Stephenallen1977 on 2023-11-28 19:37:08.

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/Reasonable_Read222 in r/AmItheAsshole

trigger warnings: emotional abuse, BPD, possible parental neglect/abuse

mood spoilers: slightly positive

AITA for excluding my "adopted sister" from family photos? - 8th November 2023

I am 26F and my "adopted sister" Ally is 14F.

The way we're "related" is that my younger brother Michael (24M) has been with his wife Maya (24F) since their freshman year of high school. Maya and Ally are sisters and had a really bad home life and my mom is very much a "my home is open to everyone" type of person, so over that year Maya began spending more and more time at our house, eventually bringing Ally over as well since she was always babysitting.

By the time Michael and Maya were 16 years old, Maya basically lived in the guest room and Ally spent after school, most weekends, holidays, and summer vacation at our house.

My mom and dad say that they love both Maya and Ally like their own children. My other siblings (18M and 16F) also treat her like she's a part of the family. Even after Maya and Michael moved out, Ally is still at their house the same amount, if not more than she was before. Now to preface, I have nothing against Ally.

She's a good kid and I make an effort to be nice to her. However, I've never really liked how she was foisted into our lives. She's not actually adopted and she still has parents and her own family. Yet my parents spend so much time and resources on her, it's ridiculous. Everyone else has started unironically calling her their daughter or sister and I've refused. I just don't consider her to be family.

Anyways, I got married recently, which is where the issues start. I invited Ally to the wedding, of course, and she came with all of my other family. When we were doing pictures of the wedding parties, I decided that I wanted one with all of my immediate family (so my parents, my siblings, and Maya, and Maya and Michael's daughter).

My mom brought Ally up to come take the picture with us and I was forced to tell her no. My mom started to get upset but then Ally said it was okay and sat down by herself. My mom isn't a very confrontational person so she didn't make a big deal of it but then everyone else realized that Ally wasn't there and they got mad as well.

Ultimately, we took the photo how I wanted it because they "didn't want to do this at my wedding" but my entire family is pissed at me now. My mom said that Ally cried when she got home because I don't love her, which I don't. I feel like they forced into a position where I had to do an asshole thing by forcing this kid onto me. I don't think I should have to consider her family if I don't want to. AITA?

Edit: After the ceremony but before the reception, the wedding party and both of our close family's took photos. I did not include Ally in this photo session and she sat with the rest of the regular guests waiting for dinner. I did not intentionally exclude her from any of the photos taken. I'm sure she's in some of them from throughout the night especially because she was there with my family. I hope that clears some things up.

Comments

OOP:Her father went to prison a couple of years ago and her mom is bipolar. She has a room at her mom's house and stays there on some school nights because her mom goes batshit if she's gone for too long. I know she doesn't like to be at her own house but it's not like she's being beaten.

I guess that's also part of the reason that I didn't appreciate Ally's presence in our lives because it invited her mother's presence as well and she is deeply unpleasant to be around.

Refroof25

YTA. Emotional abuse isn't less than physical abuse.

Abuse is abuse and Maya had an abusive household.

dobbysreward

INFO: Did you do another photo with everyone included?

OOP: No. I just wanted a family photo and, to me, Ally isn't family. She was just another guest.

Malibu921 By your logic, Maya isn't either.

OOP: Maya was in the photos because my niece is a newborn and I wanted my niece in them.

mturbe20

If that's your logic, could your brother not hold his own daughter?

ETA Judgement: YTA big time. Just say you do not like her and move on.

OOP on her parents: I wasn't neglected by my parents, I didn't mean for it to come off like that. I just didn't need another sister and I didn't/don't like having one forced into my life. I feel like I shouldn't need to love someone that isn't blood and who I didn't choose.

Judgement - Heavily YTA

Update in the same post - 8th November 2023

The people who are agreeing with me are starting to convince me that I'm wrong.

To the people calling my parents nasty things in my pms or just saying that they aren't good people: you're dead wrong. My mom is the most caring and kind-hearted woman in the world and I should have made that more clear in my post.

To be clear, I am also not a monster. I don't mistreat Ally. I get her birthday and Christmas gifts every year.

However I am starting to understand that I did do a shitty thing by publicly excluding her at my wedding because I wanted it to be how exactly how I imagined, especially because my mom was apparently blindsided by my feelings.

I was 16-18 when Ally started coming around a lot and I didn't form the same bond everyone else did. I never super liked being around kids, including my sister who by all accounts behaved way worse than Ally ever did.

But I recognize that she's become a part of our family. And I think I'm going to make more of an effort to get to know her properly, because I do know she is very mature and intelligent for her age.

Also, I don't mean to minimize what Maya and Ally have gone through. By saying she wasn't physically abused, I moreso meant to explain why she hadn't been legally removed from her mother's house. She does have extended family that actually cares about her but they live at minimum an hour away so she stays with my parents the majority of the time.

Thank you for all of your input.

Comments

Confident-Test-7948

Sounds like might have seen the light but that was the most heartless thing I've heard of in a long time. The two girls are lucky enough to find a loving home and become part of a family and then... Just kidding, you are really aren't part of the family. It's the you aren't wanted all over again.

You need to look in the mirror and see if you like that person.

Angry1980Christmas

YTA but I see that you've already begun to change your thought process.

Congrats. Family isn't always blood.

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Stephenallen1977 on 2023-11-28 19:34:46.

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/ayudayudaydua in r/TrueOffMyChest and her user account

trigger warnings: none

mood spoilers: sweet

Original BoRU is here - posted by u/kattscallion

New updates are from 30th November 2022 and marked by 🚨🚨

I’m finding out my girlfriend of 1 year is deaf as I’m on the bus on my way to see her for the first time - 10th November 2022

Holy shit I’m trembling, still 6 hours until I make it. I need to let it out somewhere

I (f20) met her (f21) in a match of LoL two years ago. We talked a lot, became really close and basically started dating one year ago.

We send each other pictures all the time and videos as well so I never understood her apprehension to facetime me. We tell each other everything, I mean EVERYTHING. She’s presented me her parents and I know all her family.

Today I was gonna surprise her by visiting for the first time. I talked with her sister to make sure it was ok. Less than 30 mins ago I get a text from her (and im copypasting a translated version) :

“Hey love you are so sweet and beautiful and you deserve so much better. I know you are coming because S told me. I’m sorry to ruin your surprise is just I’d hate to see your face when you find out. I know we promised to always be truthful but I’ve been lying to you all this time. “

That was her first paragraph and I was shitting myself cause I thought she was breaking up with me, but then she continued:

“You are too caring to ask why I never speak, why I never sent you a voice note. You are just too perfect and there’s no way you’d be with me if you knew. The reason is very simple, I was born deaf. I’m sorry you have to find out this way. I’m just a coward for not telling you sooner. I’ll understand if you don’t wanna be with me anymore”

Holy fuck I was expecting something totally different and now I’m scared cause I’ve never interacted with a deaf person and I want to make sure she gets that I love her either way. I’m still in disbelief that she thought it’d a deal breaker for me.

La concha de la lora I’m scared and needed to let it all out. Sorry for the long text

Edit: thank you so much for your support guys. I made another post explaining everything. Have an amazing day!

Comments

Lowland-lady

Naawh. You sound like a good person.

Please i need a update about you guys.

Holy fuck I was expecting something totally different and now I’m scared cause I’ve never interacted with a deaf person and I want to make sure she gets that I love her either way***

Tell her she can probably read lips or use your phone.

Maybe overtime learn sign language?

Update: I'm finding out my girlfriend of 1 year is deaf as I'm on the bus on my way to see her for the first time. - 11th November 2022

‘Holy shit’ that’s how I would describe my whole experience. I’m back in my house now and I’m still processing everything that happened.

I texted her I was outside and my hands were shaking. I had no idea what to do (i asked her if she can lipread and she said very little). When she opened the door her eyes were already wet and when she saw me she broke down crying, and I started crying as well. I stopped thinking and just hugged her. I started speaking soothing words until I realized it was useless:/

After we both calmed down we went to her room and started typing in our cellphones to talk to each other. At the beginning it was kinda awkward but after a while it was pretty chill:) We cuddled a lot, watched a lot of movies and kissed a lot. It was a really beautiful day.

There were some fuck ups from my side…out of the blue I’d start speaking to her until I saw her confused face. I called her by her name when I was searching from her and tried to show her funny tiktoks(the funny part being the audio yeah im stupid I know)

But overall it was an amazing day. She is more perfect than I could ever imagine. Thank you for all the words of support in the other post! I appreciate you guys:)

Edit: thank you so much for the kind words, when i posted it never expected to get so many comments. I’m grateful for all your suggestions and tips but maybe it’s important to mention that we speak spanish… And as far as I understand asl is not the same in spanish so I have a lot of work to do :D Have a great night!

Comments

throwaway070303

Well, seems like you’ve got a new language to learn my friend. Have fun!

🚨🚨 New updates start here 🚨🚨

Update: I'm finding out my girlfriend of 1 year is deaf as I'm on the bus on my way to see her for the first time. - 30th November 2022

I know nobody cares but I still need to vent. It’s been almost three weeks since we saw irl, she stayed last weekend at my place and we had a great time.

But every time I wanted to say something and couldn’t and had to type it, i felt frustation and anger. Because just now it’s hitting me that she could have told me (just like yall said) and i’d already know at least a little bit of sign. It angers me because she knows how I am, she knows me better than anyone and still she thought I wouldn’t love her.

I know it’s more of a ‘me’ issue but still I can’t help feeling sad. I don’t want this to ruin our relationship and i know i have to talk to her but i guess im not ready yet

Edit: Thank you for the words of encouragement and support. I appreciate them, I read all your comments but they are too many and I’d be all day long replying:(

For those of you that say it was never real because we never saw each other are wrong. I never said we didn’t send each other pictures or videos. She sent me a lot of videos of her doing stuff but just never speaking. I did the same but I spoke a lot in my videos cause i didnt know:/ so yeah call our relationship fake all you want, only we know what we have

Comments

femundsmarka

You had a lot of responses pointing out where she came from, and that's ok, but your anger is valid in every sense. You do not need to pursue the relationship further, of you do not want. I know, you did say something otherwise, but just sayin. But you should definitely have a talk about honesty and a relationship as a trustful environment. It is extremely important.

OOP: Hey thanks for the kind comment. I do not want to leave her, I really love her. I know we have to talk but I don’t want my current feelings to make me say things I’ll regret :(

xparapluiex

“Hey so. I discovered I’m upset you kept this from me, and a little insulted. I don’t want to break up (or maybe you do idk), but I do want to address this.

I’ve told you so much about me. You know me better than basically everyone in my life. But you didn’t tell me. It feels like you lied to me for months. I’m having trouble with those feelings.

It wouldn’t have been a deal breaker for me. I know you probably have had issues with this before, so I’m trying not to be judge mental. I know you didn’t do this to be mean. But it still hurts.

If I had known I could have started to learn sign language already so we could talk in person rather than through our phones in text. I’m upset I didn’t get the choice to continue.

I still like you, but this is where I am.”

And then discuss where you both go from here.

OOP:Wow thank you so much, you expressed how I feel better than i could ever put into words (its not really my strong suit). I’ll use it as a guide:) thank you so much

Update: I’m finding out my girlfriend of 1 year is deaf as I’m on the bus on my way to see her for the first time. (final update) - 3rd December 2022

Hey guys this is my last post because I’m ready to move on and you helped me a lot so you deserve to know how it all went.

We talked, I wrote what I was feeling and thinking (using a comment as inspiration from an amazing redditor, thank you stranger). She completely understood what I felt and where it came from.

She apologized profusely (she has already done that a couple of times) and told me it was okay if I break up with her. We talked hours about honesty and communication and we both put our cards on the table.

At the end I told her I still love her and she told me the same. We cried, laughed and hugged a lot. It was tough for moments but I think the worst part is already over. I’m already looking for sign language classes and I know the alphabet :) I’m sure this whole thing has helped to strengthen our relationship.

Thank you to all that commented and gave advice, I appreciate it. Have a great day:D

Comments

Technical_Pumpkin_65

You see communication is the key now do your best in class and enjoy your relationship!

Edit - fixed the dates and the gender of OOP's account.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. Do not harass OOP.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2023-11-28 06:02:45.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAs7

I (26m) humiliated and shattered my gf's (25f) confidence

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: emotional abuse and manipulation, verbal abuse, misogyny, assault, abuse

Original Post  March 25, 2023

My gf (25f)  and I (26m) moved in together last year. We live in a fairly safe neighborhood, but during the night there are some sketchy drunk men hanging around who also scare me quite honestly. My gf however wasn't really scared to walk alone at night and would say that she's just as strong as those men and can take care of herself. My gf is 5'10" and works out 2 times a week. She's indeed very strong compared to most women, but she was obviously delusional to think that her strength was comparable to that of an average man. She would even go as far as saying that if someone should be worried for walking alone at night then it should be me as I'm a scrawny 5'9" man. I thought this was one of the situations where it would be better to just shut up than being correct, so I mostly stopped showing my concerns to her.

Yesterday she went out with some of her friends and called me at 1am that she'll come alone via public transportation (she doesn't have a license). I told her that it's dangerous and I should come pick her up, but she insisted on coming by herself. I couldn't sleep till she came home an hour later. She was so angry at me for not trusting her that she can take care of herself. That was when I decided to demonstrate her the disparity between the strength of men and women. She thought I was joking at first but when she realized that I was dead serious, she happily took the opportunity to prove how wrong I was. I basically told her to ground me as hard as she can, and then I quickly got out of her grip and grounded her for several minutes till she surrendered. She cried a lot throughout this whole time and I could also see the fear in her eyes, even though she knew very well that I would never hurt her. I humiliated her. I slept on the couch that night. She didn't want to talk about it in the morning and said that she's fine, but she's still obviously very upset about it. I feel horrible that I've shattered her confidence like that, and I don't think she will ever feel safe walking alone at night again. I'm probably a really horrible person for doing that and I wish I could had just trusted her more to take care of herself. I know this relationship is probably over, but is there anything I could do to make up for it?

tl;dr: I demonstrated to my gf the disparity between the strength of men and women trying teach her a lesson. I humiliated and shattered her confidence in the process and feel terrible for what I did. Can I do something to make up for it?

EDIT: I can't possibly answer all of your comments. What I did was an assault, I admit it. I can't express how sorry I am for doing that. I thought I was doing the right thing, but instead I assaulted her by trying to prevent exactly that. Don't learn from me, but please keep yourself safe out there, if not for you, then for the ones who love you.

TOP COMMENTS

doomer_irl

“My girlfriend thought she was tough enough to defend herself so I assaulted her”

You didn’t shatter her confidence, buddy, you engaged in domestic violence.

rotatingruhnama

The fuck did I just read.

You harmed and terrified your girlfriend to win an argument?

ProtopetPhantom

The problem is you proved your point and then took it too far.. you shouldn’t have made her cry in fact you only needed to show her she couldn’t hold you down. You need some self reflection

Update  June 11, 2023

It's been two and a half months since my original post, and I thought it'd be appropriate to give you an update after some recent events. I actually already tried to do an update a few days later, but I was such a wreak mentally and deleted it shortly after.

So I'll get straight to the point, she broke up with me the next day over the phone. She wanted me to admit that I enjoyed seeing her cry, but I kept defending myself till she gave up. But deep down I knew that she was right. I'm not ashamed to say now that I was a bit aroused by overpowering her so easily and seeing her cry. I know how horrible it sounds, and I'm definitely not proud of it, but I think that acknowledging my flaws and being open about them is the first step in overcoming them. The next few days after the break up were probably some of the worst days in my life. I thought that I've lost everything, including my self respect. I decided to go to therapy and take a break from dating for the foreseeable future. Luckily, I also had the support of my family and close friends, even if they didn't fully agree with my actions.

For those of you who say that she needed a reality check, I have to disagree with you on this one. Yes, she overestimated her strength, but she's not dumb enough to actually engage in a fight with a stranger, let alone a drunk man. Being cautious has nothing to do with strength, and now I believe that she was also right to get a bit mad at me for having little to no faith in her. Trying to demonstrate how much stronger I was at 2am was just plain stupid though.

I haven't heard from my ex till she gave me a call two days ago. We barely talked about the incident though, it was mostly just catching up and making peace with each other. She's doing pretty great actually. She's about to graduate with her masters and already has a job lined up. She started dating a new guy last month, and I can tell by the way she talked that she's very into him. She signed up for a swing class (which is something that she wanted to do for the longest time but didn't do it because of me), which is also where she met her new bf. What she didn't do however is to sign up for a self defense class, which honestly I kind of expected. Overall I was glad to hear how happy she sounded. I'm also doing pretty good myself, although I'm still on my break from dating and I don't see myself getting into another relationship for at least a year.

Last month I also got to experience how my ex felt when I was overly worried for her safety. I went with my family to a trip in Naples, and while we had our apartment in a fairly safe part of the city, it was just a few blocks away from some sketchy alleys during the night. So when I craved for a good pizza (in a specific place) during one of the nights there, my mom got very vocal about not wanting me to go to that place because of how sketchy some of the alleys on the way there looked like. I tried to convince her that she has nothing to worry about but to no avail, and then it dawned on me that this is probably how my ex felt when I expressed my concerns to her. Eventually, I decided to go to that place the next day during daytime instead. Was definitely worth it though.

I'm genuinely happy with how things went for both of us, although I still miss her sometimes, and hearing her voice again just made me miss her even more. But I know that it'd probably be better for us to just move on with our lives separately. I also plan to continue with my therapy sessions, even though I feel completely fine by now. The reason is very simple, it's just to have someone that I can talk to without feeling judged. Reddit isn't really the best place for that as you could probably tell from my original post, but I still want to thank everyone who commented and gave their opinion.

TOP COMMENTS

Comfortable-Yam-5561

“I was a bit aroused by overpowering her so easily and seeing her cry.”

That’s a hectic statement to make my dude. I’m at a loss of words.. Definitely seeing a therapist for those type of dark thoughts is a good idea.

Emerdaldgyal

Very glad she broke up with you. You are 26 years old and you took your gf to the ground…….. I would have sent my uncles after you after that shit tbh. The fact that you admit you were aroused by that…….  This is why we say all men. Women will never be safe with men like you in the world.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2023-11-28 06:01:08.

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/sokka11615

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for breaking up with my gf because she said she was pregnant?

Trigger Warnings: emotional manipulation, double standards, verbal abuse, controlling behavior, claims of cheating

Original Post - Oct 9, 2023

I (20M) have been with my gf (21F) for one year. We are in college two states away from each other and doing long distance. At first everything was going smoothly. However, as time went on, she began to get upset over things that i believed to be minor. For example, following celebrities like Zendaya, and maintaining friendships with women who i knew before we started dating (who were also in our initial friend group).

Over time I recognized this as a double standard because she would openly talk about male celebrities that she found attractive and would repost their posts on social media. There have been many times where she would give me ultimatums and tell me if i didn't do something (Removing women I've known for years from social media) she would break up with me. Recently whenever we would have arguments, she admittedly would say things with the intention of hurting my feelings and making me upset.

The most recent example, a couple days ago she texted me saying that she was pregnant. After i tried to call her multiple times, she texted me that she wasn't sure if it was mine, implying that she had cheated on me with another man. She then told me that she was not pregnant, and that it was just a test/prank. When i asked her why she did it she said it was revenge for how I had made her feel.

After all this I called her and told her I was breaking up with her. To which she responded with crying and begging me not to. She insists that she is sorry, and that she will change. I know she loves me but i don't know if she is actually going to change, or if she is just saying this so I will stay with her.

AITA for breaking up with her or should i give her another chance? I genuinely want this to work but i feel like she's not willing to put in the effort to change so we can work through this. She has specifically told me in previous situations like this, that she wants to intentionally hurt my feelings when I do something that upsets her. She says that she didn't mean it but I don't know if I'm the asshole for standing by my decision to leave her.

Update - Nov 19, 2023

For context, my friends and I made this post a little over a month ago:

Please read it and come back so you can understand the full story.

If you don’t feel like reading the post, here is a quick summary: Our friend’s girlfriend is a terrible person, and here is why…

-She lied about being pregnant to our friend

-Suggested that she cheated on him

-Berated him for following female celebrities (like Madison Beer) but follows conventionally attractive male celebrities (like Timothee Chalamet and Tom Holland)

-Threatens to break up with him over any minor inconvenience

-Reposts TikToks about cheating on him, wanting to hurt him, and complaining about him

-Won’t let him maintain friendships with women he's been friends with since elementary school

-Reposts TikToks about wanting to fuck male celebrities

-Admitted to wanting to physically abuse him

-Has socially isolated him

-He deleted Instagram

Basically, she is a waking double standard. She is emotionally manipulating him, and she is a major narcissist. He is convinced that she loves him and that she just has a different way of showing it. We have tried to warn him time and time again, but he refuses to listen to us.

We made this Reddit post to get some insight from the world on our friend’s situation. Unfortunately a few days after we made that post, his girlfriend travelled across states to visit him and they got back together. My friends and I are very torn about sending the Reddit post to him because we are unsure if he will be upset with us over it. We want him to read the post so he can hear what the comments have to say from an objective perspective since we all know her personally. He has already reblocked the girls who are in our friend group and has not been the same since he got back together with her. He has been declining our calls more often, being silent, not texting us back, and overall seeming sad.

He is aware that this is not good but is convinced that she loves him and he does not want to leave her. We don't know what to do in this situation since we know this is clearly a toxic relationship. She hasn’t changed a bit from the last post we made, even though she promised him she would. Is it worth the risk of him being mad to show him the truth about her?

THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2023-11-28 06:00:57.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Chewy-Boot

My blood oxygen is below 50, unsure what to do

Originally posted to r/kilimanjaro & r/Mountaineering

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Near death experience, life threatening medical emergency

MOOD SPOILER: No permanent damage, reddit being reddit

Fleece recommendations available in Australia?  June 2, 2023

I’m climbing Kili in two weeks and have yet to settle on a fleece. Coming from Australia I have no frame of reference for how cold it gets, so would love some recommendations on brands and models to trust.

How many porters does a trip operator normally provide?  June 13, 2023

My tour operator just told me that my solo private tour will include a guide, a cook, and 6 (six!) porters. This seems like way too many for a one person tour, even including all the equipment for the group. Is this normal?

My blood oxygen is below 50, unsure what to do  June 24, 2023

Recent trek turned nightmare, stopped breathing and rushed down to lower level where reading was 49%. I’m terrified and have no idea what to do. Currently trying to contact a medical helicopter.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

frontifthewagon

And you decided to post this on Reddit as it’s happening. Great coverage,  who’s your provider as I may need to switch.

phidauex

If you are conscious and typing you are going to be fine. If a meter is telling you 49% it is broken.

Zikyooc

If you can post on Reddit it's a good sign. Blood oxygen level ain't as important as other symptoms.

Headache? Ataxia? Throwing up? Short breathing even after resting?

What to do? Continue going down.

Wientje

Honestly, posting on Reddit doesn’t imply that his brain is getting enough oxygen. Most people can post fine without it.

ELI-PGY5

Could have HAPE. 49% is low, but we saw some very low sats during Covid with people still on their phones.

Kili is actually quite an easy place to get HAPE/HACE, altitude gain can be very rapid. Equally, it’s quite an easy place to get down from, not technical.

So OP: go down, keep, going down. Find a doctor. Check your SpO2 on a second oximeter when you can.

For those saying it’s a panic attack - no, look at the obs. Sure the low SpO2 might be wrong, but it would be silly to assume that. OP is hypoxic until proven otherwise, and HAPE or PE are the likely causes.

Update to my “blood oxygen is below 50” post.  June 25, 2023

Long-winded update for anyone who cares / my experience failing to summit Kilimanjaro.

As a bit of background, yesterday was the end of my adventures on Mt Kilimanjaro. Unfortunately on the summit attempt I ran into a brutal bout of altitude sickness, and came short of the summit with less than an hour of hiking left. Thankfully, I managed to get out without serious damage due to the incredible guides.

Like most hikers, I started for the summit from Barafu Camp (4,600m) at around midnight. From the get-go, I’m realising something’s not quite right with my fitness. I’m wheezing just from doing light walking at camp, and have a splitting headache and nausea that won’t go away. Anyway, we start the climb and around 5,200 I’m noticing I’m getting seriously winded, and my headache has evolved from uncomfortable to “why is there a tyre iron in my eye” painful.

I try to trudge though, but metres from Stella Point (5,700m) my body just shuts down, I’ve been gasping for air for the last half hour, but suddenly I just can’t fill my lungs at all. My legs turn to jelly beneath me, the headache turns blinding and I just collapse, desperate for air. My guide tries to help me up, but I’m a puddle at this point and just keep gasping at him for oxygen. I genuinely thought I was going to die, I couldn’t get a breath in.

We manage to find a tank from Stella Point, and it gives me a brief 5 minutes of relief that lets me regain my legs. My guide sprint/drags me down the mountain to a lower point. There we do the blood oxygen reading and it hits 49%. This same pulse oximeter has been giving me 85-90% consistently during the daily check-ins for the last week (apart from a 76% after an acclimatisation hike where we hit 4,600 before descending to below 4,000), so I tend to trust it and get intensely freaked out at the 49%.

My guide calls a medical chopper (which never ends up arriving) and I try to use a cell signal to find out information on what I can do as a means to stop the impacts of low blood ox (or at least calibrate my anxiety level appropriately). Being Tanzania’s 3G internet, none of the pages load on my phone, but reddit started up perfectly, so I decided to turn to this community for advice / emotional support. I of course got only detailed, compassionate responses, that reminded me that asking medical advice from strangers is a very sensible thing to do.

(No seriously, thank you to everyone to provided advice, it helped me get the help I needed once I got to the hospital).

Anyway, after waiting an hour for a chopper that never came, we ended up hiking for four hours to get to a road, and managed to get back to Moshi where my breathing returned to normal after a few hours. Still a bit crook, but no signs of permanent damage. So while there may have been a misread with my blood oxygen as a lot of people thought, I truly was in a bad state, and the oximeter my guide used was the one the same exact model the hospital used. I don’t know if I was truly below 50%, but I’ve never felt worse in my life.

So for anyone travelling to Kilimanjaro, enjoy a ewonderful experience, but as I learned, you can’t tough out altitude sickness, if you’re getting the signs, turn back before your body shuts down. Also, the two things you should never rely on in an emergency, emergency services in Tanzania and reddit.

TL;DR: Got slammed with altitude sickness on Kili, asked for help on reddit and was fairly mocked for using it as emergency help, but managed to get down safely.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

ELI-PGY5

Hey mate, MD guy here who posted on the last thread.

Glad to hear you pulled through OK.

Altitude sickness sucks, and Kili is a pretty easy place to get it because it’s like a giant ramp straight up to the sky.

Sorry that so many people here decided to mock you in the middle of a medical emergency, I thought a lot of the posts were unfortunate.

Cheers!

OOP

Cheers mate, I really appreciated your comment on the last post. When you’re sick in a foreign place, decent advice like yours feels fantastic.

phidauex

Thanks for the update, I was one of the slightly skeptical, but trying to be helpful posters.

I’m very glad you are back safe, that makes the trip a success no matter what anyone says.

Thanks for posting more about your situation, hard to put yourself out there but it will help others learn and that is why we are here.

Good luck to you and I hope this doesn’t keep you out of the mountains forever, there is a whole world to explore in your back yard and you can now do so from the position of someone who has been there and seen how tough and complex it can get.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2023-11-28 06:00:50.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Julie_Beans_. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole.

Mood Spoiler: happy ending

Original Post: November 18, 2023

My children take very good care of their toys and possessions. As it’s nearing Christmas they have chosen old toys to donate, to keep and some that they weren’t quite ready to get rid of yet. My in-laws don’t have many toys at their home and have said they needed to get more for their toy closet for all the grandkids.

My eldest suggested that they bring the toys to their grandparents for the toy closet, this way they could still play with them, and see them when they wanted, and bonus all their cousins could play with them too!

My in-laws were excited and thanked them for donating to the toy closet. The first time we saw the kids cousins they were excited to show them the toys and they all had fun playing together. Cut to a couple months later when we stopped over and they were all gone. My kids asked grandma and grandpa what happened and they weren’t sure. They texted my sister in law and she said “sorry, they were really nice and my kids liked them so we decided to bring them all home with us.”

My mother in law asked if they were bringing them back for their toy closet and she wrote back and simply said “no.”

My kids are kind of hurt as they weren’t ready to give them up yet, and they wanted to be able to share and play at their grandparents house… So 1. Would I be an asshole if I wrote and asked sister in law to please bring the community toys back?

For additional info: my in-laws are afraid to anger SIL because she is very easy to hold a grudge, so this convo would fall on myself and/or my husband who also feels the same way. He actually suggested we ask on here “we might be the assholes if we do this, let’s ask Reddit first”. Also their kids have plenty of toys at home so it’s not like they don’t have anything to play with. Also, there are multiple families who come to their home with kids, not just our family and this particular brother in laws family. My husband has 4 other siblings with kids.

Relevant Comments:

Did your in-laws tell your SIL she could take the toys?

"My in-laws didn’t tell her she could take them. They didn’t even know they were gone as she must have snuck them out of their house.

They asked if she took them, then asked if she was bringing them back, she said “no.” And they are afraid to anger her by asking for them back."

It sort of comes down to- did you GIVE the toys to the grandparents or STORE them there?

"We never really had that specific of a discussion about it. But I take it as we gave the toys to the grandparents to put in the toy closet. My children were not expecting the toys to ever come back to our house.

We had donated other toys to local non profits, but these they didn’t want to give up completely so they donated them to grandparents toy closet.

This is why I’m so torn, because they technically did give them away as I see it."

OOP is voted NTA

Update Post: November 21, 2023

I have to say that I was surprised at the number of people who said I was not the asshole. It really made us feel better and thank you guys for giving us advice on what to do next.

We spoke to my mother and father in law, and husband told them he didn’t like that they were too afraid to say anything. Mother in law said that she was afraid since sister in law is very quick to go no contact with people. She seems to get sick of people in her life easily and cuts them out when she gets offended. Mother in law is afraid to not see her grandchildren. I get the fear, but it’s still not right. I asked them if they at all offered, even inadvertently, for her kids to take the toys we left. They said definitely not. I believe them.

My husband called my brother in law and said (thanks to those who suggested this) “Hey! We were just over at mom and dads and there seems to have been some confusion. Our kiddos left some toys there to store and for all the grandkids to share and I think your wife thought we wanted to get rid of them. Total miscommunication, sorry about that. We’re headed to the area and can swing by now to grab them!”

Brother in law said that was fine and he didn’t even know they had them. So we swung by, he found them and helped us pack them all in the trunk. Sister in law was getting ready and came out as we were packing up. Her face got red, and she turned around and went back in the house. We stood out for awhile talking to brother in law until he checked his phone. He said he had to get inside and he went in to talk to his wife. We could hear through the walls that she was yelling and crying.

After 10 minutes of extremely awkward looks between my husband and I, we texted him that we were going to head out and he came back out looking upset. He said his wife was crying inside and that she kept trying to go back and forth with why she had the toys and he was confused. We just played dumb and said that our kids couldn’t find the toys we left when we went back and we’re told that you guys had possibly “accidentally” taken them. He said he was sorry and we said our goodbyes and left.

Sister in law has since been posting about how family isn’t blood and how she doesn’t know who to trust anymore. I’m sure it will blow over one day.

We also spoke with our children about how kind they were to want to share with their cousins. That we are a kind and giving family but that doesn’t mean that we let people take advantage of our kindness. That we understood that these were given to stay at Grandma and Grandpas and how upsetting it was that they weren’t there, but that it was maybe a misunderstanding and mom and dad got them back now. I think they are too young now but one day they will realize how their Aunt is. Thank you all for suggesting that we stand up for our kids.

My husband and I thank you for all the advice. Hope you all have a good holiday.

Relevant Comments:

Why would a grown woman cry over this?

"I think she was more upset about being caught? It’s not like they were crazy expensive or hard to find. We didn’t ask why she was crying and yelling, and she hasn’t messaged us at all."

Is SIL usually entitled?

"She can be very narcissistic. I usually stay out of it but this time it just hit too close to home, and we could prove she did it. Usually she is more sneaky and it hasn’t involved my family directly like this before."

Could it be a money issue?

"I don’t think so. But then again you never know another persons budget. Somebody can walk around with their nails done, a new purse, and Starbucks and that could have been a gift from their mom, a gift card from work, and so on. Ya know? I know they aren’t rich, none of us are, but I don’t think they are struggling."

It's not worth it to press the issue anymore:

"Yeah we’re basically going to “play dumb.” I think that is the best way to handle it and give her a little bit of shame."

Maybe buy her kids duplicates for Chirstmas?

"This isn’t a bad idea. I wouldn’t buy all of them but maybe a version of one of the play sets. I’d be afraid that buying the same exact one would be viewed as passive aggressive. So one of the items was a bunch of hot wheels playsets. I could totally gift them a bunch of cars and a different playset."

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2023-11-28 06:00:30.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Individual_Usual_880. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole.

Short and sweet.

**Trigger Warning:**misogyny

Mood Spoiler: happy ending

I edited a few things for grammar and clarity. I also added paragraph breaks.

Original Post: November 20, 2023

Throwaway due to privacy. I (F31) recently found out that I am allergic to dust mites. 30 years I've been told that I was being hormonal, overthinking, on PMS and other things when raising my concerns of my health, mostly because I am a woman. I would have severe rash - and the only answer - it's your hormones, once you will have your first period/pregnancy it'll go over - not. Then cold like symptoms-again it's due to hormones, it'll be over when you'll get pregnant - again not. I guess this will be relevant later.

Now, I am back at my work after my maternity leave and I work at IT company, with open office for 200 employees, so when you come inside it's all computers as far as the eye can see - which is a lot of dust due to poor building ventilation system. So, in order to reduce dust at least on my desk I have a very small and silent vacuum, and just clean my desk every morning (again, might be relevant later - I clock in around 7 AM, the only people on the floor are kitchen worker and security).

Recently, a colleague of mine, let's say Tom (M,35-ish) started to give me snarky comments on how l am overreacting and I have OCD and should go to therapy and maybe take some leave. I politely thanked for concerning about my mental health but I am not overreacting but rather following my allergy protocol. I gave no more details as I don't think it's any concern of his, we aren't close and I purely see him as my colleague so business only. I also asked to stop that behavior as it makes me feel uncomfortable as if I should be ashamed of being allergic (which I am not, tons of people have same issues).

Unfortunately, comments didn't stop, I asked several times to stop, and one day I felt like I had enough and emailed HR explaining the situation. Well shit hit the fan and dude got a note saying one more complaint, even in word and he's out. Well now he's pissed and told me that I was overreacting and pulled a typical female and I could've just stop with my bullshit and he would've stopped.

I talked with my husband and he sides with me, saying that Tom is now gaslighting me, my friends and other colleagues are divided. Which got me thinking that maybe I took this way too much, and I should've taken anti-allergy pills in the morning to help me throughout the day. Part of me thinks that Tom is a misogynist douchebag who just hates women and if not me other coworker would end up as his target. And his attitude towards women just pissed me off as I faced same bs through all my life and he was just the unlucky one who crossed the line. So, redditors AITA?

Relevant Comments:

On other allergy options:

"Thank you! I still am quite new to all of this, so every suggestion is more than welcome! I am waiting for insurance to confirm my request for allergy shots. I live outside the US, and normally a lot of things would be free, but for that I need to go through hell of a protocol so it’s faster to use my insurance for that. I am pretty sure I will get ok from them, it’s just a standard procedure. There is a cleaning team in the office, but they clean every evening, and all the computers are on all night, thus extra cleaning in the morning makes my day somewhat bearable vs if I stop doing that. I know that our office admin alerted building admin that ventilation system should be checked, but it’s a bit complicated with them."

Vacuuming being triggering:

"Per my understanding no, as I do everything before most of the people get to the office. I get it that even a silent vacuum can trigger others so I get to the office early to make me and everyone else feel comfortable."

OOP is voted NTA

Update (Same Post): November 21, 2023 (Next Day)

First of all, thank you. Second of all, I did email HR again. After half an hour, Tom was summoned to a meeting with HR and head of the office. Not sure what exactly was discussed (GDPR) but he told everyone he is resigning and he was let go as of today (normally, there’s 20 days notice period, unless you can negotiate otherwise). His boss is pissed, but I’ve noticed a handful of other employees seemed to be relieved? So, I do believe that many of you were right - Tom indeed had done something before and probably not only once. Also, HR wrote me that either I could leave early today or if I considered leaving late and take a day off tomorrow as he doesn’t want Tom to leave at the same time as me. This got me thinking that I do work in a great company! And tomorrow I’ll have a nice day off and spend it with my son!

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2023-11-28 06:00:15.

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/DarkProfessional9601

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITA for kicking my dad out from my wedding party?

Trigger Warnings: emotional manipulation, emotional abuse, controlling behavior, verbal abuse, homophobia, obsessive behaviors towards a child, attempted imprisonment, body shaming, financial manipulation, harassment, and mentions of sexual misconduct

Editor’s Note: Added spaces in all posts for readability

Original Post - July 12, 2022

I (21f) and getting married to my fiancé (30f) this October. At the time of our engagement I was living with my dad to save money on rent, however after I told my dad of our engagement he promptly got jealous and tried to lock me in my room so “we could talk”. I managed to get out of the house after threatening to call the cops and quickly moved in with my fiancé. Since then my dad has “come around to support us” and I don’t buy it.

For context, growing up my dad has only cared about himself and his image, which cause him and and my mom to divorce when I was five. Since then all my dad has done is try to keep me under his control and house, ie; tell me the rest of my family doesn’t want me, no one else would like me, I was too fat to have friends but he’d still be my friend, and he’s the only one I should care about, etc.

Now, after my dad has come around for the wedding, he has paid for half of my dress (roughly $800) and for postage for the save the dates and invites. Here’s how I may be the asshole, after thinking about this fifty ways to hell and back, I can’t see myself as happy with my dad walking me down the aisle, father/daughter dance etc. My mom and to be MIL have both agreed that if I don’t feel comfortable with my dad in the wedding party then I can ask him to not be in the party, he can attend the wedding still, but just as a guest.

However my fiancé says that since he has paid for part of my dress and that he should be in the wedding party. Knowing my dad, if I tell him he’s not a part of the party, he’ll throw a fit and I don’t know if I can handle that right now atop the wedding planning. AITA if I tell my dad he won’t be part of the wedding party?

Edit: I thought I added this, but I would be paying him back, sorry. I saw the first comment and realized I left it out.

Edit 2: I did post updates from the comments onto my own page.

AITAH has no consensus bot, but based on the comments, OOP was NTA

Editor’s Note: the additional updated comment from August 8th, 2023, also has been blended into the Update #1 with more details

Update - Nov 21, 2023

So update post here, I finally figured out how to update. Sort of. Warning I am on mobile so there maybe some typos.

So I forgot about this whole post and page for a bit. And holy shit did shit go down at the wedding. (Also adding more details as previous "update" was in the comments and therefore limited characters.

I did end up telling my dad he was no longer part of the wedding party after we caught him trying to change wedding plans. His reasoning for trying to change stuff: "I helped pay for the wedding so I can make decisions too" He could still attend as a guest, but he would not be walking me down the aisle or anything like that.

One of my dear friends, who is very much more of a father figure to me, did end up walking me down the aisle with my mom. I did pay him back for everything that he paid money towards, not quite 1k. He did, as predicted, throw a woe is me tantrum on social media saying I was rude and not his daughter for not letting him walk me down the aisle and quote; "taking away his dream". WTF.

Important side note, we had a movie reference on the tables involving peanuts, and another note my dad has had many "medical emergencies" in his life (I.e. he's had stage four lymphoma cancer that he "was cured of", swine flu, pneumonia, Ebola, Covid, but somehow before it was even a big deal in China, and he's "severely allergic" to many foods yet doesn't own an epi pen for any allergies despite having insurance that would cover most if not all of the expense).

Anyways he did attend as a guest (which I now regret letting him) as he did try to crash our first look and tried to get into the bridal suite to "talk to me" about the walking down the aisle. When asked what about, he wanted to try to talk me out of marrying my now wife, because she wasn't a good person.

Again, wtf? And that he had evidence that she had been cheating on me, but when asked to see said evidence, he said he didn't have it on him(obviously as my wife hadn't been cheating on me). My dad proceeded to storm away after my MOH didn't let him inside and he took a seat at one of the tables, with the afore mentioned peanuts. He. Lost. His. Shit.

There wasn't even very many on the tables, maybe a small handful at most (5-7), screamed and swore at the sight of the peanuts on the table and went off on how he didn't feel good, couldn't breathe, etc. I had a view through a window from the suite of what went down and it looked like a scene straight out of a cheap ass soap opera. He knocked over the chairs, crashed back into another table and when offered medical attention, one of my uncles runs a small family practice, he spit out a no and he would drive himself to the er and promptly left. I did get a text later saying how could I have peanuts on the table when I knew he had a peanut allergy etc but I left him on read and continued enjoying the party.

We haven't talked since, and my wife and I are now expecting our first kid in the next few weeks, my dad has not reached out since the wedding and it's been the most stress free time in my life.

Editor’s Note: another additional updated comment from Aug 8th, 2023 was also blended into Update #2 with more details, along with the latest update as of Nov 21st, 2023, at the bottom of the post

Update #2 - Nov 21, 2023

UPDATE...ish from comments again, I'm just posting the update to my own page and adding more information. Ok so I seriously thought that this dad drama shit was over. High gods I was so fucking wrong.

So yesterday, my wife and I had to go to the hospital to check on the baby (no this wasn't a scheduled appointment, I was having really bad Braxton hicks and the doc wanted to check us, we're all good). But somehow my dad got wind that we are expecting and in came the bombardment of texts and calls.

Literally I had to turn my phone off because it was crashing from the amount of notifications I was getting. So the rest of the visit goes well, we were there for about three and a half hours. I turned my phone back on to see wtf happened.

Well my dad's pissed I didn't tell him I was pregnant, which honestly, I don't care. I don't trust him around kids, especially my own after I found out about his history (he was a bishop in the religion I was raised in, and there was evidence that he was "touchy" with certain aged people behind the closed doors of his office-that's all I'm willing to say to the internet, if you know, you know). He was asking when the baby was due and all that, the typical parental questions.

This is where it got weird. He then asked who else was going to be in the delivery room aside himself, and when he and I were going to the 4-D ultrasound, and when the next doctor's appointment was going to be so he could go with me instead of my wife.

Yes you read that right, the man invited himself in place of my wife to be in the delivery room and to every appointment before the delivery without even asking. I said no, it was going to be just me and my wife at the doctor's appointments, ultrasound appointment, and especially just us in the delivery room. Which he tried to turn it on me saying he was just trying to be considerate, and then proceeded to say my grandma (a VERY religious woman) could be in the delivery room instead. Again no, that woman has also caused some serious religious trauma in the past and I am not even okay with her being in the same building as my unborn child as it is.

I'm to the point of wanting to go no contact with most of that side of the family. I've set up passwords and an anonymous patient security thing with the hospital and my doctor to make sure my father can't do anything. At this point we are going very LC with my dad and grandma, but I just needed to vent about this as this is the norm in my family, but my wife can't even understand why my family is like this and I feel like I'm going a bit crazy. Thanks for listening!

UPDATE: my baby girl is here (well she's been here for almost three months), very healthy and born three weeks early. I'm now...

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/185o3dc/aita_for_kicking_my_dad_out_from_my_wedding_party/

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Stephenallen1977 on 2023-11-27 19:45:50.

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/ThrowRA-leftygreens7 in r/relationship_advice

trigger warnings: verbal argument, shaming, possible insecurities

mood spoilers: overall okish

I (f25) insulted my boyfriend (m25) after I found out his secret - 26th October 2023

My boyfriend Ben(28m) and I(25f) have been dating for almost two years. While our relationship is not perfect it's pretty damn close, our biggest disagreement was when I switched oat milk brands and he kept forgetting and bringing the other brand. We're both quite naturally calm people and prefer a constructive discussion to a heated argument. This is why what happened last week caught me off guard.

Towards the beginning of our relationship when we weren't exclusive, Ben had a fling with a coworker, lets called her Stef. He is the head of IT at a major firm and she works in a different department so they only see eachother occasionally, even more so now that he switched to remote work two days a week. When he told me about their fling and I talked to my friends about it they said I wasn't allowed to be bothered about it as our relationship wasn't defined at the time and they only slept together once.

Somedays I will fixate on it and wonder if he talked to Stef at work and if she still fancied him. I know I'm not allowed to monitor his interactions with anyone and would never try to control him but it does make me feel something when I think about him even being near her. I don't know if it's jealousy or insecurity or even if it's rational.

Anyway last week we got invited to a dinner party hosted by his boss. I'd been to a couple of his office parties before but only interacted with a couple people and usually was glued to Ben's side all night since I am a bit of an introvert. From my immediate impression Ben's boss is a bit of a rich prick, but he knew how to throw a good enough party that I began to loosen up and interact with more than two people all night.

As a teacher I've always felt insecure around people who make so much more money than me and always felt like they looked down on me but that couldn't have been further from the truth. I was immediately included on the inside jokes, made a couple of my own and even got invited to a double date with one of his coworkers and his wife.

While Ben was grabbing me some food, one his friend's made a passing comment about Stef, she was at the party but stayed away from the group we were hanging out with. I said "I don't care about her but I also have nothing to talk to her about" which is true, I wasn't about to go compare notes with her and the fact that she did stay away from us did put me at ease and made me not as wary of her.

His friend laughed and said 'well then you'd might feel the same way about Molly'. Molly was another coworker of Ben's who I had actually gotten on with the whole night. I was confused and didn't understand what he was trying to stay, when he saw my reaction he completely clammed up but I demanded he explain himself.

Another one of his friend's from the group said that Molly and Ben slept together- to say I was shocked is an understatement. I then asked how many other girls Ben had slept with from the office and they told me they knew of four different girls.

At that point Ben came back, unaware his friends had spilled his secrets but picked up on the tense atmosphere. Internally I was fuming and hurt but I kept a cool facade and when Ben asked what was wrong I just looked at him and said 'your friends were just informing me that you're the office slut'. He looked shocked and I left to go to the bathroom to calm down. I knew if I stayed at this party any longer I would have a breakdown and needed to leave. So I went straight to our car and drove home without telling him.

When I got back home I replied to his numerous texts about where I was and told him I came home and he could find his own way back. He got home around an hour after me and by that time I had already cried my feelings out and was ready to have a conversation. He came into the house absolutely livid which I didn't understand because he was the one who lied to me.

He's never even raised his voice at me for anything before but he was shouting about how I embarrassed him and word had gotten around to his other coworkers because I reacted immaturely. I tried to explain my position that how would he feel if he found out I had slept with four of my coworkers and never told him. He just kept reiterating that he never had a relationship with them and it was just sex.

I knew going into our relationship he was way more experienced than me sexually but I refuse to believe he could sleep with these women and not feel anything for them but that is beside the point and he should've told me. But all he is hung up on is that I insulted him to his friends. When he was done yelling he said he was going to stay at his brother's house to calm down and not to contact him until he cooled down, I told him I wouldn't contact him first because I'm not in the wrong, he is.

It's been a week since he's been at his brother's house and we still haven't talked. I have no clue where we go from here. Was I wrong to react the way I did? I didn't think I was but now I'm second guessing myself. I didn't think calling him the office slut would elicit this reaction but I don't think it was a lie either. Should I apologise or wait for him to make the first move? My issue is not so much with him sleeping with the other women but hiding it.

Comments

Mobile_Prune_3207

Where did he lie? Did he tell you that he had only ever slept with Stef? Or did you assume that she was the only one? Either way, I do think it was really unnecessary to make that comment in front of his co-workers. Your reaction was not a cool facade.

OOP: We had a discussion about previous partners and he never mentioned them before, he said he didn't count them as partners and only told me about actual girlfriends he had.

nsfwacct17

Didn't you post this on AITA yesterday and then delete your account when you got told you were the asshole lol

OOP: I didn't delete it, the mods deleted it and so I messaged one of them about where I should post it instead and they said to check other suitable subreddits. I much prefer the response here, there was nothing productive in that sub anyway

OOP: I think having some space from it and seeing so many unbiased perspectives I can understand where I went wrong. Tbh I knew what I said wasn't right but I was trying to justify my position by saying he was also wrong. But my actions are my actions and I shoulder responded more maturely. I think my comment did come from a vindictive place and for that I will apologise but I think I can only move forward if I get the same thing back.

caballero12840

Few things mean as little as a conditional apology

UPDATE in the same post 1 day later - 27th October 2023

I just want to say thanks for everyone's response, I can't reply to them all but I have read what everyone has written and just need to clarify a few things.

1. We had discussed previous partners but he omitted ONS as he didn't consider them partners and only told me about girlfriends he had. Ben is my first boyfriend and I had only ever slept with one guy before but that man wasn't my boyfriend either but I still disclosed it
2. There is some speculation I went through his phone and badger him about Stef, that is not true at all. I knew my issues with Stef were my own and never made him answer for them. Even when he told me I was slightly upset but again it was something we discussed and I got advice from my friends about we moved forward from
3. I did not yell out the comment I made, it was only in front of Ben and two of his work friends. I did not ask his friends who the other two girls were as I thought that should come from Ben. I don't know when the encounters with the other 3 girls happened
4. I am aware my comment was wrong and I am fully ready to apologise for that and for leaving his stranded, he had to get a lift from his brother. In my post I wrote our car, that's not true I just think of it that way because I use it more but its actually his car
5. I made a typo in the title, I'm 25 and Ben is 28

Anyway an actual update - I texted him this morning saying 'Hey, I know you asked me not to contact you first but I've given you a week and really feel like we need to have a conversation. I hope you've been doing okay.'

I didn't want to start apologising or questioning him over text.

I did that about 6.30 before I left for work and was teaching all day so I knew I wouldn't be able to constantly check my phone. It's lunch time right now and he's responded saying he's at work, which is confusing because Friday and Monday are his remote work days so I don't understand why he's gone in. I texted back and said 'we can talk after work if he wanted to come home' and he agreed. I honestly have no clue how tonight is going to go - I really don't want to break up.

I know a...

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2023-11-27 06:00:41.

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Sea-Mycologist-9715

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

AITA for my wedding date?

Trigger Warnings: verbal abuse, manipulation, possible emotional neglect, parental favoritism

Original Post - Oct 30, 2023

I (33F) am getting married soon.On January 1 of this year, I announced to my mother and sister (37F) the date of my wedding- 11/11. I wanted a fall wedding-the leaves to be changing andto be cool outside. We chose Nov. With the holidays and whatnot, there were only 2 Saturdays in November that made sense.Fiancé chose the 11th, because it's indicative of our dating anniversary. So it was decided, 11/11.I announce the date to my family. My sis became upset.

1. Her favorite band sings a song that's called 11:11, so she has it tattooed on her.
2. She was engaged to some guy like 15 years ago. They didn't get married, but they were supposed to get married on 11/11 (I had completely forgotten).
3. It's a week before her wedding anniversaryShe was upset because 11/11 is "her thing", and it felt like a slap in the face that I would get married a week before she did, years ago.My sis and I have a tumultuous relationship. The last fight we got into was at my birthday 2 years ago. We had discussed having a family dinner I ended up inviting some friends. Fiancé wanted it to be special and about 10-12 people ended up being there. Sister was pissed because, if she had known there were going to be other people there, she wouldn't have come because she didn't feel well. I told her she was never obligated to come and I didn't think I needed to make her aware of the guest list. Anyway, we ended up not talking for a while but because my sister is stubborn (she has never apologized, doesn't take blame) I eventually just let it go, to appease my mother.So, when I found out she was pissed about the date i chose for my wedding, I wasn't having it. I worked really hard the last several years to establish boundaries eith family and friends, and to not be steamrolled. I was hurt my sister made my wedding about her.She told me that I took "her thing" and as a result she wasn't going to be in the country for my wedding (she booked a trip). It's now been 10 months. Her and I have had limited interaction. My mom says to start the conversation with my sister and to let things go because "we all know how your sister can be". Mom said I should have ASKED my sis first if it was ok to choose that day, and I could have approached the subject delicately. This was mind-blowing to me, because my mother and I have to walk on eggshells with my sister. Over the year they've discussed how I could have done things differently, or why it couldn't have been this day or that day.My wedding is 2 weeks away and my sis and I haven't talked. I didn't send her an invite bc she has not apologized and already said she wouldn't be going. I see no reason to have to initiate the convo like always,strengthening the pattern of letting her get her way. It has been heartbreaking to not have my sis there for my activities, and it hurts to know that her pride got in the way of spending time with me. But for once in my life I want to stand strong and say I deserve better.

Edit- told Mom about this post and responses She's unphased

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

Relevant Comments

CarefulNow-: NTA. But what is your mum going to do? She clearly favours stompy sister. Is she going to ruin your wedding too? She’s already doing a good job in the run up to it.

Who are all the people giving you shit? I would be having thoughts about how involved I would want them in my life going forward.

Sorry your wedding is being marred like this.

OP: My mother and I have a sordid relationship. She's not great about respecting my boundaries, but when I spoke to her last week she did the, "I'm sorry I'm a terrible mother" bit

Update - Nov 20, 2023

Update: The day before my wedding, Friday the 10th, my mother came over to my house to help me put some last minute things together. She texted my sister when she arrived saying "just got your sister's, ttyl." My sister responded with "have fun lolol" and followed it up with another text saying "dumb wedding". Coincidentally, my mother was showing me something on her phone when my sister texted that. Sister tried to immediately delete, which is something I guess iPhones can do to each other? I give my mom back her phone and at this point I'm so angry I can't sit. I'm pacing around the house. Since the 'dumb wedding' message had disappeared, my mother almost didn't believe it happened. She texted my sister and asked if she said that. Sister admitted it. Mother asked why she would say something like that, and that I saw it. My sister's response was "whelp." Then wanted to know HOW I saw it. My anger has turned into sadness and I started crying. I told my mother that it was bullshit to be treated this way by my sister who is close to 40. My mother told my sister I was very upset, and said to stop acting 'silly'.

The entire day I spent in a funk. Years of trauma and abuse make me susceptible to other people's emotions and thoughts and I have a hard time snapping out of it (not just family but a horribly fucked up first marriage). I'm also trying to rack my brain and figure out genuinely why I deserve this. At one point, we were at the venue with my mother-in-law who asked me what was wrong. My mother interrupted and said I was tired and winked at me. Later I told my MIL the truth. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed, and I'm not going to lie to protect my sister. When my mother and sister spoke later that night, my sister tried to change her story. She said that I took it wrong and she meant expensive weddings are dumb. But she has no idea how much money I've spent on the wedding or any of the details. And come on, if that's what she meant she would have clarified immediately. My mother seemed to sort of believe her bullshit excuse. Wedding day came, never heard from my sister. The wedding was gorgeous and I'm honestly relieved she wasn't there. Extended family came into town and my sister scheduled dinner with them the day before the wedding to make sure she could see them, which annoyed me.

It's been over a week and I still haven't heard from her. It further cements my decision to cut things off and not relent, because she knew I was upset and crying about what she said, and she still couldn't reach out to me to set things straight. Sadly, my mother DID tell her about some of the details of the wedding. She claims she didn't send any pictures. I was upset because I clearly told mom not to give any info about it. But it is what it is.

Relevant Comments

Commentator asks if OOP has been in therapy to deal with the trauma and abuse she experienced

OP: I am in therapy, yes. I've been in CBT on and off for almost a decade but half of that I was with my abuser.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2023-11-27 06:00:11.

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/throwaway4meeeeeee86

Originally posted to r/AmITheAsshole, r/EstrangedAdultChild, r/entitledparents, and their own profile.

Previous BoRU

Editor’s Note: I have removed some relevant comments from the original BoRU as they have been covered in the newer updates

New Update marked with - - -

Trigger Warnings: potential grooming, emotional manipulation, emotional abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse, domestic violence, alcoholism, advanced medical issues, psychological issues, institutionalization, minimizing mental illness before diagnosis

Mood Spoilers: Hopeful for OOP, Tragic for Mother

RECAP

AITA for not allowing my mother to bring her boyfriend I don't know or want to know to my wedding? - Aug 23, 2023

I (33NB) am not close with my mother (55f) at all. She divorced my dad (60) when I was 7 and almost immediately married my stepfather "Mark" whom despite everything, I was close with. They remained married until I was 16. I was upset when she divorced him and went to live with my dad and stepmom. In my adult life, I've chosen to remain close to my stepdad and even attended his wedding to his current wife, who is a very nice woman. My dad and my stepmom are great people.

Since her divorce to my stepdad, my mom has been in and out of relationships, each time claiming this guy is the love of her life until they do something she doesn't like and they aren't the love of her life anymore. Both divorces with my dad and my stepdad were for very petty reasons (dad, I think because he wouldn't allow her to get a new car because the budget was tight). I think the one that lasted the longest was 6 years and I think it's the current guy she's with, according to my sister. After I left home, she never did anything with me without her boyfriends. When I was 25, she broke up with her boyfriend and tried to cry to me about it. After working with my therapist, I set the boundary with my mother that if she wasn't willing to do anything with me without her boyfriend to not bother and I didn't want to talk about her love life. She was very hurt and we fell out for awhile but she came back around about a year later and has respected my rule since but we only get together about 3 or 4 times per year. I understand that my mom's relationships and love life are important to her so I respect that we don't get together often.

Fast forward to this year, I'm getting married to my partner (35M) of a decade in October. It's a small intimate backyard wedding and reception/bbq. We live in a rural area and our backyard wedding will have roughly 40 people. My dad, stepmom, stepdad and his new wife have all been invited. My mom asked if she could bring her boyfriend, I said no because I don't know him. My mom asked if she could bring him to meet me so I could meet him before the wedding. I said no and that I still had no interest in meeting her boyfriends. She said she understood but she felt it was unfair that I wasn't allowing her a +1 to my wedding when my dad and my stepdad were allowed to bring their spouses. I told her that the difference was that I knew their spouses. She wanted to know why I was so adamant about refusing to get to know her boyfriend. I explained to her that I saw no need since she'd just break up with them and move on to someone else eventually as she has always done before. She started to cry and told me I was being unreasonable and treating her as if she's a wh**e.

Both my fiance and my sister feel like I should suck it up for one day and let her bring her boyfriend so she can be comfortable there. I'm seriously considering it but I wanted to know if I'm TA here for sticking to my boundary at my wedding and what your thoughts are.

UPDATE: After reading everything here, I've decided to email my mother and invite him. I was already leaning towards telling her that he can come when I posted. I decided to set some ground rules for my mother:

1. He is there as a +1 to my mother only. I made it clear to her that he is not my family and he is not my stepfather so I will appreciate her not telling other people at the wedding he is my stepfather. Mark is my stepfather and he will be there.
2. He is not to be in any family photos (in fairness, my stepdad Mark won't be in any family photos either, only my mom, dad, stepmom, and my siblings).
3. He is not to approach me at any point during the wedding and reception.
4. This does not change my previous boundaries. I'm only allowing him to come for her own comfort and to create a sense of fairness. I respect the fact she is in a relationship but that her love life has nothing to do with me and I wish to keep it that way.
5. I told my mother that these are my terms for him being at my wedding and my terms are final and that I hope she can respect the fact that I'm trying to be reasonable. I used this opportunity to remind her the reasons I put the boundary up in the first place. These reasons included forcing me to do activities with her shorter term boyfriends in the past, forcing me to only discuss her love life while showing no interest in my life, and putting her relationships above her own children.

If she responds, I'll let everyone know.

Update 2: My mom called me within 10 minutes of getting the email. She thanked me for allowing him to come and said they would abide by my terms. She said she felt really hurt that during her actions during her "mid-life crisis" are why I'm refusing to meet her current boyfriend (who she says she's been with for 7.5 years) and that she thought things would eventually calm down enough where I would be comfortable meeting him. She said she now realizes that it will never happen. I told her that I'm firm on my stance. I think she started to cry but she said she understood and only wants him there because being around my dad and stepdad and their "new" wives (my dad has been married for 23 years and my stepdad for 12) makes her anxious and he helps keep her calm. She said she respects my stance and said it's her own fault I feel this way. I felt this may be the start of a guilt trip so I politely ended the call.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

Additional comments to the post from OOP:

OP: Update: I will update here since mods told me I was maxed on my post.

I want to thank everyone here for commenting and giving their opinions. Without context, I think it's a little hard to understand why I'm the way I am towards my mother. This past has given me a chance to reflect on my own behavior towards my mother. The truth of it is, I find dealing with her to be exhausting and I want to explain to everyone why.

1. My mom is a gold digger. And that isn't my dad or stepdad talking shit about my mom. They're classy guys and would never do that. This is my own conclusion. My mom said regarding both divorces "I'd still be married if [dad or stepdad] just gave me what I wanted." She's also tried to start fights with my stepmom because she realizes my brother and I prefer her over our actual mom. It's true, I'm closer with my stepmom. I go to her for all the mom things because she listens and cares. My stepmom doesn't make every thing about her. I believe my mom suffers from main character syndrome and expects to be the center of attention at every event and if she isn't, she gets drunk which leads me to my next point...

2. My mom is an alcoholic. She was in a DUI 8 years ago and crashed into another car. Thank goodness no one was hurt. She doesn't drive anymore, lives in the city an hour away, and uses public transportation. But she still drinks a lot, at her height, she drank roughly 3 bottles of wine per day. I don't really know or care if it's more or less now. One of the other boundaries I set is I won't be around her if she's been drinking because that just stresses me out more. I'll be honest, I'm anticipating she's going to cause a drunken scene at my wedding.

3. She slept with my brother's best friend 8 years ago when they were 21. This was a boy who my brother had known since pre-school and this ruined the friendship. 8 years on and my brother will never forgive her for it. My mom thinks my brother needs to get over himself and that she did nothing wrong. Technically speaking, she didn't do anything illegal and everyone was a consenting adult but it still felt so wrong that she slept with someone my brother was so close with. It's why I don't really want my partner around her. She dates younger guys. This current boyfriend is 10 years younger than her, which is a little better. I don't judge her for dating younger guys, that's okay. It's not okay to sleep with someone you watched grow up.

This whole post helped me see just how exhausted I am by her. I realized I don't want to deal with her BS anymore. I also agree that I have maybe at times shown it by being TA and being unfair and unreasonable towards her. I just don't like myself when dealing with her. It puts me in a bad mood. However, the...

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2023-11-27 06:02:02.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/MKE_Now

So I created a fake craft brewery and it's taken on a life of its own...

Originally posted to r/beer

MOOD SPOILER: Do not drink before reading, you're keyboard will thank you

Original Post  July 25, 2019

So I have some friends that are HUGE beer snobs and long story short, I started a fake brewery on Instagram that took on a life of it's own. . I got the idea making fun of one of our friends about his snobbish habits which spawned the fake beer name "Porterbello", a mushroom infused Porter. . Fast forward to late June, my little "Participation Trophy Brewing Company" Instagram joke spiraled into over 500 followers and literal non-stop messages from thirsty patrons trying to locate the taproom which now exists on a map, but doesn't exist anywhere else. . One dude even went as far as creating an Untappd account that I later had to claim as the "Brewery Owner"... remember this is all for beer that uses ingredients like paint chips. . I've pretty much had to purge the account in of follows/followers in early July in order to regain some semblance of sanity. . You people are insane...

Edit: For those asking the new account is @ptbrewco

Edit2: Untappd just deleted my brewery :(

Edit3: Yes please message me your beer ideas on here or Instagram I will try to post the best one. Make sure to include a description.

Edit 4: Wow huge response to my dumb joke. Appreciate the shares and follows, reddit is unlike any other.

Edit 5: Yes. I'm releasing merchandise, stop asking, seriously stop.

Update 1 - My fake brewery...  Oct 17, 2019

Back in July I posted about starting my very own, albeit fake Instagram brewery. For those not familiar, here is the original post. I thought I owed you all an update on how things at @ptbrewco have been going. To the naked eye we have been posting dumb beers and memes, but in reality all the following things have happened and what better place to share them. I would post some of this on the actual page, but the whole bit is based on never admitting that we are fake, so it's kind of out of the question.

Events that have happened

• Have posted and successfully received angry messages from whoever manages Ted Cruz's Instagram for [this](

TRANSCRIPT OF MESSAGE

Part Dropper Pale Ale

9.2% ABV  | 62 IBU

Working with Sitting US Senator and noted sex symbol Ted Cruz has been truly an honor. Panty Dropper Pale Ale uses Apollo hops cross bread with horny goat weed to honor the man himself. Warning, may make you want to run for a second term, if you know what we mean

• Got into an epic battle with "beer influencer" @blondebrewreviews over this totally not doctored photograph.  Page no longer available

• Successfully accepted as a brewery and subsequently banned from Untapped.

TRANSCRIPT OF MESSAGE

Hello Jedd McDouglas,

Great news!

Your request for claiming Participation Trophy on Untapped has been approved!

To get started, check you help guide.

Your username is Participation Trophy

• Created a taproom that can be fully checked into on both Facebook and Instagram.

• Received cease and desist from the parent company of Axe, Unilever over this. Satire law is phenomenal.

TRANSCRIPT OF IMAGE

AXE APOLLO ALE

7.2 ABV  |  51 IBU

Axe Apollo Ale is our first collaboration with the world's best selling male products company. Notes of green fruits and fresh sage are combined with aromatic hops to create the world's best selling beer.

ADDITIONAL NOTE

Excited to work with Axethe world's number 1 product for 8th grades boys too afraid to shower after gym class.

• Defended hundreds of brewery decisions that people don't agree with.

Some Beers Introduced

• Basic Bitch Hard Seltzer (My personal favorite is the Avocado Toast Flavor)

• Soy Sauce Infused Stout

• Yeast Infection Tripel

• Ravenous Rex (Totally not a Pseudo Sue Ripoff)

• Quintuple Dry Hopped Pale Ale

If you happen to look at the page, avoid any memes, as they are just cheap content filler that I make.

People are still asking me for the location to the tap room almost daily and yes Dharma and Greg Season 2 Trivia is still a Tuesday night occurrence. I have to say I started this off as a dumb thing that I didn't think would last, but the absolute crazy landscape of craft beer makes these people just way too fun to mess with. I must point out that I get no financial gain from this and do it solely for my own entertainment. If anyone has ideas on where else I can take this, I am taking pretty much any suggestion.

Update 2  March 17, 2020

Hey Guys,

I have been getting some messages asking for an update to the status of everyone's favorite (or least favorite) fake craft brewery. For those who are new to this, I would suggest checking out the first two original posts. Basically I created a fictional craft brewery (Participation Trophy Brewing Company) to pray on the hype and absurd culture that exists in the current state of craft beer. The source of the content can be found here @ptbrewco

Original Post (1.1K upvotes)

First Update (1.1K upvotes)

Minor Events that have happened

• I have actually relocated to the NYC area from the Midwest for an unrelated job transfer. I feel like I am being Santa Claused into opening this damn thing...

• Our head brewer now has a LinkedIn account that is causing chaos I didn't think was possible.

• Received cease and desist from the parent company of Stubbs barbecue sauce, over this.

Some Beers Introduced

Update 3 - Ptbrewco: A year in review. (My Fake Brewery that has taken a life of its own)  July 17, 2020

I can't believe it's been one year since I started Participation Trophy Brewing Company, the most revolutionary independent craft brewery in the United States.

Back Story: "I got the idea of making fun of one of our friends about his snobbish beer habits which spawned the fake beer name "Porterbello", a mushroom-infused Porter... Fast forward to late June [2019], my little "Participation Trophy Brewing Company" Instagram joke spiraled into over 500 followers and literal non-stop messages from thirsty patrons trying to locate the taproom which now exists on a map, but doesn't exist anywhere else.

Original Post

Original Post 2

Fast Forward to today: We have a healthy Instagram following of over 5,500 people and have even generated a formal website and LinkedIn page for our fearless owner and head brewer, Jedd McCormick.

Some Favorite Events/Beers: There have been a lot of different things that have happened over the last year that I find absolutely hysterical, here are a few of my favorites:

• Spending $10 to "buy" 5,000 likes an a Ted Cruz Panty Dropper Pale and](http://www.instagram.com/p/B1rcr8QFVUQ/)%C2%A0and) having it show up on his Instagram feed.

• Photoshopping one of our cans onto a "Beer Influencer's" picture and claiming that she reviewed the beer.

• Creating the Brewery on Untappd, getting it approved, subsequently getting banned from Untappd.

• The user who claimed that she has been to our taproom [message removed] and our beer is "Only okay" after getting upset that we were going to remain open during the quarantine.

• Dharma and Greg Season 2 Trivia Nights... for some reason, this is extremely funny to me. Yes, I will occasionally post trivia on Tuesday nights.

• This never before seen LinkedIn exchange

TRANSCRIPT OF LINKEDIN CONVERSION

Q = Questioner

JD = Jedd

Q: Hey, Jedd. Quite crazy times we live in. I sense that you, like me, see that, even with the challenges a pandemic creates, it also creates opportunity to replace unsustainable systems. What introductions will move you forward the fastest in the direction that's most important to you? Talk soon [redacted]

Q: Thanks so much for accepting my invitation, Jedd. I'm looking forward to get acquainted and want to figure out the best way to do that.Do you mind if I ask a few questions?

JD: Sure thing, fire away

Q: Great! If you can make the ultimate impact at your company over the next year, what will be different?

JD: Hey sorry for the late response! I think it will be a big win for us to stay out of litigation in 2020.

Q: litigation is costly, both in terms of money, time, and energy. Do you means because of closure/reopening?

JD: No, mostly sexual harassment.

JD: But we're turning things around. I'm co...

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2023-11-27 06:00:55.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/throwaway9216890. He posted in r/AmItheAsshole

Please remember the no brigading rule and please keep the comment section civil.

Trigger Warning: death of a partent; discussions of heavy grief

Mood Spoiler: sad and bittersweet

Original Post: November 9, 2023

My (14M) mom died just over a week ago and her funeral is in 3 days.

I don't want to go to the funeral I don't see the point all its gonna do is confirm that shes not coming back. This is probably gonna make me sound insane but if I go then that means she is dead and definitely never coming back but if I don't go then she might not be dead and she might still come back. So I just think it's way better if I don't go. Plus if I go I might start being sad and not doing anything like my dad is so by not going it's actually way better for my mental health because at the moment I feel fine like obviously I miss her but I'm okay about it.

I told my dad 2 days ago that I'm not going and he got really annoyed. He said that I'd regret it in the future and I should just say bye to her. I told him it was a really easy decision to make and that just made him way more angrier.

He told a few family members and they've all been trying to convince me to go to the funeral and some of them are saying I don't care about my mom because I haven't reacted about her not being here at all. It doesn't mean I don't care though, I just don't really feel anything.

am I the asshole?

edit: thank you so much for all of the replies they're helping me out a lot thank you ❤️

Relevant Comments:

This lovely top comment and OOP's response:

Commenter: "NTA. Hi! I’m a therapist so I here are my clinical thoughts. You’re right, by not going to the funeral, you can delay the devastating sadness. But it’s just a delay, and that delay could be a day, a week, or a month, but trust that it’s going to hit you. The grieving and sadness are non-negotiable.

Funerals are meant to be a chance to say goodbye, to grieve with other people who loved your mom, and to provide a space to unapologetically feel (or not feel) everything. The funeral is for you, to start moving through the emotions that come with this.

I’m so sorry for your loss. You don’t have to go, but if your reason is to pretend and ignore, that won’t last very long."

OOP: "alright thank you so much ❤️"

Most of OOP's responses are like this:

"okay thank you so much I don't really know what I'm gonna do but the replies helped me out a lot thank you.

I'm sorry for your losses"

OOP is voted NTA

Update Post: November 20, 2023 (11 days later)

So, I did go to my moms funeral. It was about a week ago now. I probably wouldn't have gone without some of the advice I received on my og post so thank you :)

I sat through the whole funeral but I left the wake early because it was just a bit much. I'm glad I went in the end. My dad said that he's really proud of me for going and he apologised for getting annoyed at me.

Like the day after the funeral I started feeling really shit which was weird because I hadn't really felt anything until that but a few people in the comments said I would feel like that so I guess that's normal.

I think that's it there's not really much more to update, thank you to everyone who commented on my post :]

Editor's note: OOP, I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending you a virtual hug from afar. I hope you have good people to talk to about this.

Again- do NOT comment on OOP's posts.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2023-11-27 06:00:10.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/CandleQueen90

My Neighbor

Originally posted to r/datingoverthirty

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: sexism/misogyny and bigotry

Original Post Jan 13, 2022

I (31 F) have a neighbor… he’s really handsome, and so nice. When he first moved in, he introduced himself and asked if he could help with my yard work… the weeds were admittedly bad. I honestly figured he just wanted to be nice, and also didn’t want to look at my weeds every day. But he’s continued to do really nice things for me, like scrape my windows after it’s snowed. He’s never asked me out, or said much to make me think he was interested, except one time, when he brought me flowers on Father’s Day, saying “for the woman doing both roles.” I was so flattered, but also confused, because he hasn’t really made any efforts to get to know me. I don’t know how common buying flowers for someone you aren’t interested in is. But I thought maybe he was raised for a single mom or something? I just always wave, and the other day I went to ask if he scraped my windshield, and gave him a hug and thanked him. I told him I had a hard day that day, and that small gesture helped a lot.

ANYWAYS he just liked me on Hinge. Haha, I guess he is interested after all. However….. do I really want to date my neighbor? It sounds like it could be really convenient….. or awkward. What if it doesn’t work out? I’m really attracted to him. He takes good care of his house, and my love language is acts of service, which he has done well already.

But….. neighbors??? I don’t know.

Also, feels like the universe is telling me something. Because I have been really interested in this other guy, but am hesitant because he lives 2 hours from me. Then my neighbor matches me. Which is now too close. Hahahaha can’t we find a medium?

UPDATE: We’ve been texting. He started hitting on me pretty quickly, and I kinda got hookup vibes from him. I asked him what he was looking for, and he said he isn’t looking for anything serious. But if I fall I love we’ll figure it out. (I felt like that comment was weird but from what I’ve gathered when we talked before, he has a playful and light sense of humor). Womp womp. But also…… maybe I’m okay with that?

Update Jan 14, 2022

HE AIN’T IT YOU GUYS.

When he said he didn’t want anything serious, that was enough. But I did consider casual with him, because he’s attractive, and has been really kind and respectful in all of our interactions. I also am open to casual. I’ve been single for 8 years. Up until somewhat recently, casual was all I wanted. I’m fearful avoidant and do not relationship well. I think I am in a better place and am really hopeful I can navigate relationship territory, but I digress- casual is totally an option for me.

THEN HE TEXTS ME THIS GEM:

“So pansexual huh. You’re just a wild one. Here I was thinking you’re an innocent nerd who had a wild night and ended up with a child. I guess you can’t judge a book by it’s cover.”

I’m a lil shocked, and don’t know where to even begin with this text, the offensiveness is layered.

Needless to say, I will be pursuing nothing with neighbor.

Now to plan a meet with Mr. Long Distance.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Impressive_Ad_1320

Tell him you have no idea what he is talking about and just find kitchen pans very sexy

OOP replied

In the closet? No, I’m in the cabinet

*

Plug-From-Oaxaca

Damn he literally talked himself out of sex lol.

*

lauraleipz

Well good job he can help with the gardening as thats the only bush he gets to go near.

FINAL COMMENT FROM OOP

Next time he sees me when we are both outside, if he says “how are you?” I think I’m going to say something like “oh, just WILD.”

Lmao

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/empathosynchrony on 2023-11-27 02:44:56.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/TheForeverThrowaway who originally posted to r/confessions and later posted to their profile with additional updates that never made it to BORU

Originally posted to BORU by u/Jschlings

Trigger Warnings: Transphobia

Mood Spoilers: Wholesome, Heartwarming

New updates start below 🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴

My best friend of 24 years (born a male) is now a transgender woman. I'm in love with her and not sure if I should tell her - 20 Aug 2022 with updates made in the original post until 13 Sep 2022

My friend and I (both 24 years old) have been best friends our entire lives, we're practically brothers. Our parents grew up together, went to the same schools - so my friend and I were together ever since we were little babies. We've always had each other's back, protected one another, cared for each other - when the whole world felt like it was against us, the both of us knew we were always looking out for each other. My friend is an amazing person, someone I can go to and trust completely. I'm blessed to have this person in my life.

My friend transitioned to a female a few months ago, she's completely physically a woman. She's been through hormone replacement therapy these past few years, seeing her becoming so much more happier is amazing to see. I'm absolutely proud of her! It's beautiful to see my friend now be so free, being comfortable with herself and always having the greatest smile on her face. But I'm falling for her, and these feelings aren't going away. I'll admit that I'm in love with my friend, the friend I've know for 24 years is who is stealing my heart and I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose my friend, but my feelings of friendship for her are turning to romantic/sexual feelings & attraction.

After my friend transitioned, we continued hanging out and talking like nothing changed. We continued going out to clubs/bars, the movies, restaurants, playing video games - nothing changed, we kept doing what we always did. During this time is when my feelings began to change, I started falling in love with her. You know what attracted me? Her, the way she is. My friend is now acting like herself, acting free and full of life - always laughing, dancing and being goofy. It hurts me, because this is someone I grew up with and I'm afraid my feelings are going to push her away or make this awkward. Like always I'm insanely happy being with my friend, but my feelings for her are killing me right now every time we're together again.

I've fallen in love with her true self, her true self is absolutely beautiful.

I've spoken to another close friend of mine about this, I just got made fun of. "Haha! You wanna fuck your bro, seriously?!" Is practically what I got. They didn't understand where I was coming from, they didn't understand what an insanely amazing person my friend is. This friend of mine feels it's "creepy" and "nasty" I'm falling for my best friend. They also aren't taking my friends transition seriously, which is another reason why they're acting immature. All he did was make fun of me, so ever since then I haven't spoken to anyone else about how I feel.

Also, aside from being scared of losing my friend, I'm afraid of what our families will think. What happens if my friend and I do end up together, and our families suddenly start to panic. I'm afraid not only ruining my friendship, but the friendship our parents have with themselves for many years. Both of our families were completely supportive when my friend transitioned, not a single negative comment. Everyone is proud of her, and the love our families have for her hasn't changed at all. I feel I'm over thinking all of this, especially because being friends is very different than being in a serious relationship.

If anything, our families would be insanely happy we're together and be so annoying hahaha. But I'm more worried on the negative response, which is why I believe I'm over thinking this whole thing.

Plus, if I plan to even confess my feelings for her - I have to do it soon. She's always being asked out on dates, but she tells me she's looking for the right person to spend time with. I feel this is my opportunity to confess, but I don't know if I should. I don't just want to confess how I feel about her, I want an actual relationship with my friend.

If any of you have some advice, please definitely share it! because I have no clue what to do. I'll love to tell my friend how I feel about her, but I don't want to lose or ruin our 24 year friendship. I also don't want to make it seem that I'm falling for her just because she's now a woman, I don't want her to feel that way at all. What do you all think I should do? I'll absolutely appreciate the advice/input, I'll greatly appreciate it so much.

UPDATE#1: screw it! I'm going for it, I'm going to ask out my friend. It's Saturday, 1PM right now - I'm going to see if she wants to go on a date tonight. First off, wow! Thank you for giving me the motivation! Reading your comments has made me realize I shouldn't waste time, I need to go for it or I'm going to regret it. My plan is to take her out on a fun date, and I'll confess my feelings during the date. I might even show her this post, as I literally poured all my feelings in this post.

She actually lives a few houses down the street, we live in the same neighborhood/street - that's why we're pretty much always together 24/7 every week. I'm going to message her to see if she's home so I can stop by, and while I'm there I'm going to ask her out.

Wish me luck! I'll continue to update ya'll 😊

UPDATE# 2: I got a date tonight! I was insanely nervous walking to my friends house. but I can't stop smiling cause wow, I actually got a yes from my friend. One issue I had was where the date was going to be, I had no idea. But I remembered she loves this 80s bar/grill that has karaoke every night and tacos, so that's where we're going. So tonight it's going to be tacos, drinks, 80's music and karaoke - sounds like an awesome date! ❤️

I told her pretty relaxed, I didn't rush into it. Showed up, started talking like usual and that's when I asked her. Told her I would love to take her out on a date tonight, that I've been wanting to ask her out for the longest time. I definitely tried to hide my face from blushing, because she had a huge smile when I asked her out. She's even extra excited cause we're going to her favorite place. I feel asking her out has made her comfortable to flirt with me, she started complimenting me and even kissed me on the cheek before I left. She definitely felt more "intimate" if that makes sense. She even said she's going to get "extra pretty" for the date tonight. I'll admit, I'm really looking forward to that. Although it's impossible for her to get "extra pretty", seeing as she's already gotten already.

I'm still shaking honestly, lol. The shakes are more shakes of excitement. I'm gonna pick her in 2-3 hours, so I'll definitely be getting ready soon. Haven't gone on a date in quite some time so I'm really looking forward for tonight - especially with the date being the girl really love. I'm still nervous, but it'll pass eventually.

I'll keep you all updated! I'm not gonna leave ya'll hanging 😊

🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴

Tiny UPDATE (7:05PM, Aug 20) : I'm heading off to pick up my friend. I'm insanely excited, but really nervous. I'm sure it's going to go great! You probably won't hear from me for quite a few hours, or till tomorrow morning. I'll definitely reply to your comments when I return and continue to update ya'll. For now, I'm off to my date! Wish me luck 🙏

Wish you all an amazing Saturday! Talk to you soon.

Tiny UPDATE # 2 (8:40AM, Aug 21): Hey everyone! So sorry I kept you all without an update, but the date actually ended at around 4 in the morning. All I'll say for now is wow! What an amazing night it was. It was really incredible. I'm gonna get up and I'll be posting the update soon! I wanna tell you how it all went. saw the comments how you all want updates, I definitely won't leave you hanging without them 😊

UPDATE # 3 (12:24PM, Aug 22): Hey everyone! Hope you're all doing great. Sorry for taking so long! I feel bad cause you all have been waiting all day yesterday for an update, I got a little too busy unfortunately. Had a family BBQ, so I was helping my dad set everything up throughout the day. I'm finally back, and here's the update you've all been wafting for!

The date was absolutely amazing, i'll even say it was the greatest night ever! Spending time with the person I really love, doesn't get better than that. All this made me wish I had asked her out a long time ago, better late than never! I'm insanely happy I did ask her out. Like I said in the previous update how my friend was going to get "extra pretty", wow did she look beautiful. She was breathtaking. Had a lot of butterflies in my stomach. She had a red dress on, wore a blue shade of lipstick and had her hair tied back. She looked incredible, the most gorgeous girl in the bar we went to.

My heart kept poundi...

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This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Johannes_Chimp on 2023-11-26 17:39:33.

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/ButterscotchRare447 in r/Catholicism

trigger warnings: rape, abortion, religion, emotional abuse

mood spoilers: sad

OP NOTE: A reminder to not harass the OOP or any commenters of the original posts.

My sister got an abortion and I can't see her the same anymore - October 12, 2023

Hey everyone, I'm using my throwaway account for this because my main has a lot of personal information.

So around 2 weeks ago my sister got an abortion, and I can't see her the same anymore. Awhile before that, her and I were at the dinner table with our parents and she started crying. She'd been kind of depressed the last few weeks but hadn't talked about it until now.

She said that awhile back she had been at a house party with some of her friends and was sexually assaulted by a group of boys. She didn't go into too much detail but she said that awhile after that she started to feel sick so she took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. She started sobbing and saying that she wanted to get an abortion, saying that she doesn't want to give birth and that she's been having nightmares about it.

Our parents suggested taking her to a therapist or pursuing legal action but they both refused to let her kill a child, which I agree with. My parents kept trying to discuss things what to do next but my sister wouldnt listen, she just kept sobbing.

For the next few days my sister really isolated herself. Every conversation she had with our parents eventually devolved into them trying to convince her to see a therapist while she begged (literally on her knees sometimes) for them to let her get an abortion. I tried talking to her and explaining that maybe the child is a blessing and that something good could come from all this. That just made her even more upset. She told me that she would rather kill herself than give birth to her rapists child. She said that it's unfair, that she's only 16, and that she doesn't understand why this is happening to her.

A few days later she came to my parents and told them that she got an abortion. Apparently one of her "friends" had driven her to a place where she could kill the child. Our parents were furious and yelled at her for what she did. She begged them to forgive her and said that it was her only choice. (Which is ridiculous, our parents literally tried to give her other options but she still chose to kill a child)

Our parents barely speak to her anymore, and I can tell it's making her severly depressed. Shes always been skinny but now she barely eats anything, only leaves her room for school, and her grades are steadily dropping. She says she just wants her mom and dad back, wants them to understand why she did it. I've tried my best to comfort her but every time I look at her I just think about how she murdered a child.

What do I do? I want my sister back but I just can't see her the same way anymore. I know she's been through a lot but is that really an excuse? Isn't getting an abortion a sin no matter what?

My sister got an abortion and I can't see her the same anymore. (Update) - October 12, 2023

Hello everyone. I'm the one that made that post a few hours ago about how my sister got an abortion after being sexually assaulted by a group of boys at a house party. If you haven't read it I would suggest you go do so, otherwise this post won't make sense.

I recieved a lot of comments and messages. Some of them were thoughtful, kind, and helpful, most of them were from this subreddit. But a lot of the responses i got on r/prolife told me that my sister is a liar, whore, child murderer, that this is all her fault, and that my parents and I would be justified in never speaking to her again. But when I look at my sister I don't see any of these things. I see a scared 16 year old girl. I see the girl who helped me get over my stutter. I see the girl who protected me from being bullied for so many years. I see the girl who always convinced me that I was good enough. I see the girl who needs my help right now.

I've spent a lot of the day talking with people on reddit chats and in comments about how to help her. And despite all the horrible things I've heard said about my sister today, there were a some nice things as well. I spent a good chunk of the evening talking with her and we both ended up crying about what happened.

She gave me more details about what happened to her at the house party, details I won't share here, but what I will say is I wouldn't wish what she went through on anyone. Not even my worst enemy.

I tried talking to our parents some more but they wouldn't listen to me. In their mind, what my sister did overshadows what happened to her. The more I think about it the more I realized they failed her when she first told them about what happened. They never comforted her, they just coldly gave her the option between therapy or legal action. And I think that was wrong of them.

I feel like I failed my duty as a brother by being so quick to label her a monster like our parents have. And I'm trying to do everything in my power to make that up to her.

As for how I feel about her abortion? I don't know. I still don't think it was right, but I understand why she did it. I understand why she felt she didn't have any other options.

Thank you to everyone on this subreddit who was so kind and helpful. God bless all of you ❤️

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2023-11-26 06:38:46.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Necessary_Light_6626. She posted in r/AITAH

Thanks to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for the recommendation.

Trigger Warning: child neglect

Mood Spoiler: entitled people act entitled

For clarity's sake- the children in this story:

Luke- legally OOP's son (biologically OOP's nephew)

Justin- biologically (and legally lol) OOP's son

Emily- OOP's niece (Luke's biological sister, but legally his cousin)

Original Post: August 31, 2023

When I (43f) was 18 and when my sister (47) was 22f at the time had my nephew (let's call him Luke) with her then bf (now husband). My sister and her husband didn't have any interest in Luke when he was born so I took the role of taking care of him. I got my grandmother (she's an angel) to watch him while I was in my last year of highschool in exchange for me cleaning and cooking for her on the weekends.

My parents weren't much help either, they would give me about $100 a month for Luke, and if you have a kid then you know it's not much. Me and my grandmother were the only ones to take care of him. A year after I graduated from highschool I was kicked out with my nephew because my parents, sister, and her husband didn't want to deal with us anymore. My sister said she wished she never gave birth to him. I immediately went to my grandmother and we went to a family law attorney and I got custody of him and my sister and her husband signed their rights to me.

I lived with my grandmother and when I went to community college and my part-time job she watched my son (Luke). It was a lot of work especially when my grandmother passed away when my son was 6. My grandmother left 90% of her things to me in her will, which caused my parents and sister to reach out to me under false intentions to meet my son and I to reconnect. That didn't last long and I told them they could either act right or never see us again. My dad decided to actually reconnect with my son and I and now we're close, while my mom and I don't really talk much but she treats Luke nice. When Luke was 8 both me and my sister became pregnant and that's when my sister decided she wanted my son back and started to tell him that me and my husband wouldn't love him anymore once my "actual" son came along.

My husband met my son when he was 5 and we were already together for a year before he met my son. My husband treats Luke like his and we got married when my son was 7 and adopted him when he was 9, with my son's permission. We found out that my sister was saying this when one day he broke down crying asking us not to leave him after we told him that would never happen. He explained what my sister and her husband were saying. Luke knows that he's not my biological son but he is my son.

After that I cut contact with my sister and her husband again and did family therapy and individual therapy for my son. When I had my son (1 pregnancy, 2 children) I made it clear that our love for him (Luke) didn't change. When my sister reached out about two years later I decided to go low contact with her with the okay with my son and husband.

My husband and I live comfortably while my sister and her husband struggle sometimes financially. My kids did extracurricular activities, got the presents they wanted, and went on one big family trip in the summer. While my sister and her husband couldn't afford much, so when my niece was around 9 my sister started making comments about how I needed to pay for this or that for my niece but I told her it wasn't my job. I gave my niece the gifts she wanted, took her out from time to time but nowhere near how I would treat my own kids.

Now my son (2nd) is turning 17 and my husband and I were talking about getting him a cheap starter car. We did the same for Luke when he was 17. My niece is also turning 17 and apparently my sister told her she was going to get a car too. The thing is my sister can't afford to buy her a car so she asked me to but I told her I wasn't going to buy her a car. That I didn't promise her one and that it's not my job to get her one. My sister then got mad and didn't talk to me for a while.

When my son's 17th birthday came around we surprised him with a car. My niece then called me a couple of days later screaming and crying asking me why I hate her and why I can't treat her the same as her brother. I calmly told her things were different, her brother is my son while she is my niece. I'm her aunt and nothing more, that as an aunt my job was birthday presents, Christmas presents, and showing up when it mattered, that was it. That her brother will always be more to me than she'll ever be. Then my niece started yelling at me again telling me that I'm being unfair and hung up.

My sister then called me to berate me about how I need to do more, I told her if she wouldn't have promised a car to her or my money to my niece no of this wouldn't have happened. It's been a couple of days and I'm getting calls from some family and some of my sister's friends calling me a bitch and some other things. I do feel bad because my kids did grow up with more and I guess I could have helped more.

So AITA for what I said to my niece?

Relevant Comments:

Why would courts allow a teenager to have custody?

"I was 19 when i got custody. With them fine with signing over their parental rights and I proving that I can provide for him gave the courts no reason to not give me custody. It was months of proving I could provide for him. I still had people come to my grandmother's house and see where we lived and to make sure that I could provide a safe and stable environment."

Why do you maintain a relationship with these people?

"Because she had my niece but mainly talking to my dad about it. It's why I maintained low contact, we only really talk when big holidays and birthdays come up."

"I have very low contact with my sister as it is. The only time we're around each other is certain people's birthdays and big holidays. I always put my son first, it's why I never truly let her back into my life especially his. I make sure both my sons are happy and they make it perfectly clear when they don't want them around. That's why I didn't invite them to my son's birthday party. With the smart comments she makes she stopped until she found out I was going to give my second son a car then it started that's when I distanced my family from her more. Even back then when she made comments I put a stop to it. So don't tell me I don't have a spine because I stepped up at 18 to raise an amazing kid. Do you think I would really let my kid suffer, especially to the hand of someone like her. I don't care for my sister but I care for my niece. My niece and sister sadly come as a package deal."

Why do you have a relationship with dad?

"Because my dad truly tried and did change, he was actually there for my sons and me. After my dad was around for a while my mom wanted to get to know her my kids too and she made some changes too not as much as my dad but enough to were my husband and I felt comfortable. Just because they changed doesn't excuse the past, they still aren't trusted enough to where I ever let my kids alone with them. For my sister a year or two after my niece was born she became a little better but we still didn't really have a relationship and when we did have one it was only to talk about birthdays and big holidays. When she would make smart comments she would stop after my husband, dad, and I said something but she did it more after she found out I was getting my son a car."

Does niece know everything?

"My niece knows Luke is legally my son, I just don't think she knows how he legally became my son."

How tf are other family members calling you out?

"I think the extended family got told a different story. For the friends, my sister probably rallied them together. I think it's completely ridiculous especially when we can be civil about it instead of bringing everyone in."

More on sis:

"I don't know why she rejected him, her husband and her always chose to party and go out over him. They were never home and when they were they were asleep or ignoring him.

I don't know what my niece's home life was like except they had financial problems off and on."

More on how Luke was treated:

"When I would come home from school he would be crying and covered in pee and poop, everyone would just ignore him. About a month of that is when I went to my grandmother and she brought him diapers and formula. This is also when my grandmother and I came up with the deal of her watching him while I'm in school and my part-time job and when I'm out of school or off he'll be with me."

"My parents worked a lot so when they came home they didn't want to deal with a baby. They kicked us out because they were tired of Luke crying all the time and me asking for help to buy him diapers, formula, etc. They said that they were tired of giving me money for him ($100) a month."

How is Luke now?

"Luke is doing well, he graduated from college a little while ago and has am...

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This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2023-11-26 06:35:03.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Wifestolethemoney. He posted in r/TrueOffMyChest.

The first parts of this post were made into a BORU by u/prettiergenghis. You can find that here.

I changed a few formatting things and added relevant comments to the original posts. The new update is marked with *******.

Mood Spoiler: happy ending

Original Post: December 13, 2022

Title: My wife stole our daughter's college money to fund her shopping addiction and wants me to take the blame

I’m stuck in between a rock and a hard place and I don’t know what to do. And the problem is, I can’t discuss this with anyone I’m close with for privacy reasons.

I’ve been with my wife Andrea[48f] and my stepdaughter Cassie[17f] for 8 years now. I love them both to death, but Cassie is a very brilliant young woman. Recognizing her potential, me and Andrea decided to put together a college fund for Cassie so she wouldn’t be crushed by debt. Over the years, it has amounted to over $200,000. Cassie is aware of this and is banking on it since she’s trying to get into the Ivy League.

To make a long story short, last week, I found out that almost $170,000 dollars of the money was missing from the account. I freaked the fuck out and asked Andrea if she knew anything about it. She teared up and said that she had been spending the money over the years to fund her spending habit.

I was furious, but I had a moment of clarity. I’ve browsed these subs enough to know that an affair was possible so I asked her if she was having one. She adamantly denied it and offered any proof I needed. Social media accounts, emails, her work phone, everything. She offered to show me the receipts as well. There was nothing that popped out as suspicious, and the math from the receipts added up as well so I let it go. But we still had the major problem of the money being gone.

She described herself as a shopping addict, and the money from Cassie’s account was just too tempting not to use. She didn’t make excuses, but offered no solutions.

As stated before, I was beyond furious. She ruined Cassie’s chances at going to college debt free and has changed the trajectory of her whole life. I had asked her to stay with her sister while I tried to figure this out. Cassie was concerned about why she was leaving, but we just said we needed a little bit of space.

I asked Andrea to come back home yesterday and we had an extremely long discussion about how to handle this. She stopped me from talking and asked a favor of me. She asked if I could take a the fall for her. For context her and Cassie don’t get along for a variety of reasons, and knowing how independent Cassie is, she will probably leave right after college if not during. In fact, me and Cassie get along very well and she comes to me for a lot of her issues. Andrea fears this will permanently drive Cassie away and she doesn’t want to lose her.

I told her that before we even talk about that, she needed to acknowledge her mistake and own it. She needed to go to individual therapy, we needed couples counseling, she needed to find a shopaholic support group and that I would be controlling the finances from now on. She said those terms were steep but fair. I said she needed to tell Cassie what she did, apologize and hope for the best. She refused and said she could never lose Cassie. She said I could survive the mistake, but she couldn’t. I told her that in order to even consider me taking the fall, she needs to agree to my terms.

I don’t know what the hell to do. The last thing I want to do is lie to Cassie, but I don’t want Andrea and Cassie to split up forever. And the worst part about this whole thing is that Cassie’s life is ruined either way. And I don’t know how to replenish the money other than maybe borrowing from my 401k. Reddit do you have any suggestions?

Divorce is always an option, but I love Andrea despite her mistakes, and me dating at age 52 is next to impossible.

Edit:

After everyone in here knocked some sense into me, I realized I can't lie to Cassie, I love her too much and she deserves the absolute truth, no matter how ugly and hard it is.

I will be talking to Andrea and telling her that we need to tell her the truth together as a condition of us staying together, or else I will initiate divorce proceedings and tell Cassie anyway. Also, as someone suggested, I don't need her trying to flip the script on me so I'll record our interactions going forward.

Thanks.

Edit 2 (Same Post): December 14, 2022 (Next Day)

I want to thank everyone here for really opening my eyes yesterday. You're all right, I need to put Cassie first and like I said, I'll be telling the absolute truth, even if she gets mad at me and disowns me at least I'll know I did the right thing. In addition, I'm going to pay for her college myself. I can pull money from a couple of places such as my retirement and inheritance so it'll be okay. If I have to live a little frugally during retirement and work a few extra years then so be it, Cassie is worth it. I honestly doubt her mother is going to sell her stuff so that's why I'm taking this route.

As for Andrea, I've been criticized for wanting to let Andrea off the hook so to speak, but it's easy to say when really deep feelings aren't involved. That being said, I don't think I can stay with her, what she did is horrendous and she ruined our daughter's future for her addiction. We had a long discussion late last night and I threatened divorce unless she told Cassie the truth. She begged me not to do this, but I put my foot down, and eventually, she agreed, but only if I agreed not to divorce and I helped to repair their relationship. I likely won't be doing either, she made her bed so she can sleep in it.

So if I have to update, I'll probably just make a whole new post, thanks a lot guys.

Relevant Comments:

How could you not have noticed? Weren't you getting a 1099 and noticing less interest?

"To answer your question, I had really nothing to do with the account other than contributing money. I just took her word for it. She showed me statements from time to time so I had no reason to suspect anything. Plus we have separate finances, except for a joint account for household expenditures and bills.

Although Cassie is my daughter, officially I'm only stepdad, so Andrea handles all matters related to her finances unless Cassie asks me for something directly. Also I wasn't the lone contributor, her grandparents on both sides contributed, as well as my own parents.

I only discovered what was going on when my wife left a statement out in the open. I'm now believing she simply pocketed whatever money she got and doctored the statements. I knew the amount that was supposed to be there because a lot of the money came in the beginning. Her grandparents initially contributed $75,000, mine contributed another $30,000 and the amount that I added over the years."

Don't take from your savings to pay Cassie back- take from your wife's:

"I asked her to take money from her account to pay her back, she said protecting her retirement is important to her and that she could take out a loan since her credit is excellent. Surprisingly enough, she doesn't run up her credit cards, now I know how.

Also I'm hesitant to do this, I understand everyone wants her to fry for this, and I do too. However, if I'm to stay with Andrea, I don't want her to have to continue working until she's dead, I would like to enjoy our retirement together. My retirement is very healthy, plus I have a few investments and an inheritance, I could survive the hit.

The most important thing is Cassie gets to go to whatever school it is she wants and not have to worry about it.

The comments are right, I'm not letting Andrea off the hook, she's going to pay for this and she will be telling Cassie."

Why Andrea and Cassie don't get along:

"Andrea is a widow, and Cassie took the death of her father very hard since she was so young. According to Andrea a lot of their problems started there out of grief and anger.

Then Cassie grew up and she's developed into a bit of tomboy, Andrea is a kind of a "girly girl" and doesn't relate to Cassie dressing up tomboyish. They don't agree on much, Cassie wants to be an physicist, Andrea wants her to do something that has more money making potential. Plus there's usual teenage daughter and mother strife. They have screaming matches that I have to intervene in."

Update (17 Dec 22)

Update: My wife stole our daughter's college money to fund her shopping addiction and wants me to take the blame

I want to start this by thanking everyone who replied to me in the original post. You all showed me tough love and I appreciate that. I even appreciate those who were calling me a doormat, because like I said in the previous post, it woke me up.

I won’t be staying with Andrea.

She’s lied and manipulated me and Cassie for far too long for me...

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/G1Gestalt on 2023-11-26 06:18:24.

**I am NOT OP. Original post by u/weddinginvite69 in r/AmItheAsshole and OOP's profile page**

Trigger Warnings: Misandry themes and brief discussions on ethical nonmonogamy and BDSM

Mood Spoilers: OOP for the win, but partially inconclusive ending

AITA for telling people that I wasn't invited to a wedding? posted 26 September 2022

I've been working for my company for 7 years now, five of which have been spent on my current team. There are 15 people on it and I'd say we're all pretty close, relatively speaking. I have a coworker named Bob[33m], who joined the team when I did.

During the pandemic he announced to everyone on a Zoom meeting that he was now engaged.

Fast forward to this January and Bob says that his wedding would be held in September of this year at a really beautiful winery.

About five months ago the invites started coming in for everyone on the team, but mine didn't. I waited a few weeks but nothing came, so I went to Bob and asked if my invite got sent out. He gave me a solemn look and then told me that I wasn't invited because of a "spacing issue". He said he tried to make it work, but just couldn't, and hoped I didn't take it personally. He also said I'd be sure to get wedding favors and a piece of cake. He also asked me to keep it to myself and "please not make a big deal out of it". I honestly didn't know what to say, so I guess I just said "okay" and walked away.

I won't lie, I was upset. I hate feeling excluded, and it was doubly worse because everyone else on the team was going except for me. And honestly, I really like weddings, they're usually very fun. I kept it to myself, but I wasn't happy.

The day of the wedding came three weeks ago. and it went by without a hitch. Everyone on my team had a grand time and said it was beautiful. The food and party was great as well and apparently everyone got a dozen fresh apple cider donuts to take home. I never did get that cake or wedding favors btw.

At work the following Monday my team member, Sherri, told me that everyone was confused as to where I was. Apparently Bob said I was sick and couldn't make it. I was confused and then pissed, I straight up told her I wasn't invited, and left it at that. She looked shocked, and asked me to confirm and I said yes I wasn't invited.

Well Sherri told someone, because about five people asked me if I wasn't invited and I said it was true.

Today was Bob's first day back from his honeymoon and it must have gotten back to him that I spilled the beans. He approached me in the break room and he was upset that I told Sherri and that it wasn't a big deal I missed the wedding. I said "how would you like to be excluded from something everyone else is going to?"

We went back and forth for a bit, before Bob walked away. I was pretty upset, so upset that my project manager came to ask me if I was okay because she heard about me not being invited. I didn't want this to go this far, so I said yes. But other team members came up to me and said that Bob should have invited me, and it was wrong he didn't.

Look I realize that it was his wedding day and he's allowed to invite who he wants, but I'm allowed to be upset that I wasn't invited right?

So reddit, AITA for telling people I wasn't invited to the wedding and being upset about it?

Edit: Sorry I forgot to put in the OP that I'm a 30, male

Edit 2: Wow guys, thank you for all the support, my inbox is begging for mercy.

Top Comment with 19.3k upvotes:

NTA.

You didn't ruin his wedding day, and you didn't say anything prior to the wedding, nor make a big deal of it.

Bob straight up lied to your colleagues about why you couldn't attend, which is incredibly bizarre, and a major AH move.

You just corrected his "mistake".

Verdict: NTA

UPDATE: AITA for telling people that I wasn't invited to a wedding posted 29 September 2022

I want to thank you all for the responses, especially for the wedding invites.

Well I have an update to this story and it took an interesting turn.

Bob and I were in the office today. He came to me and asked if we could talk. He asked if we could clear the air over some beers with his wife after work I said okay.

After work I meet Bob and his wife "Pam" in a bar. They both apologized for not inviting me, and making me feel excluded. Bob apologized for lying and getting mad about it.

The reason they didn't invite me is because they didn't want single guys at the wedding. They went to a big wedding back in 2019 that was ruined when a bunch of drunk, single guys started hitting on the women there. A few of the boyfriends and husbands got pissed and it turned into a big fight. People were arrested and it completely ruined the wedding.

I found it hard to believe, but they showed me a couple of Facebook videos of them at a wedding, and it looked the damn Royal Rumble going on. I was even shown a few Facebook statuses confirming their story. Pam said she was sort of traumatized by this and swore they'd have no single guys at their wedding.

Well the wedding came and Pam stuck to her guns. Only family, couples, single women or trusted single men were to be invited. Pam said that there were only about 10 single guys there, and they were all family members or groomsmen. She said the party turned out amazing this way since women didn't have to worry about being hit on.

Pam said it truly wasn't personal, and that she's so sorry for not inviting me, but would do it again. I asked if she and Bob didn't trust me enough to control myself. She said that Bob vouched hard for me, but she was sticking to her guns. The compromise was that she'd have to explain it if anyone asked, and that Bob got to choose the honeymoon destination.

Curiously she said that she had a sister around my age and I was "just her type" and she wanted to keep her away from me. I was a little offended at that, but she says that it's for my own good. Her sister is a little bit of sl*t(her words not mine) and she didn't want her to get her hooks in me(again her words).

Bob said he should have handled it better, and he wanted to be honest but it wouldn't have made much of a difference so he hoped I wouldn't mind as much. Plus he figured I wouldn't want to go to a wedding as a single guy anyway.

I told them I was kinda hurt, they thought I would act like a creeper at their wedding. Pam assured me that she thought I was a nice, smart, funny guy but she just wanted to make sure their wedding went off without a hitch.

They promised to make it up to me, but I told them it wasn't necessary. Pam insisted on it, and said I had to know how sorry she was.

So we made plans to have dinner at their expense at a very nice restaurant in the city this weekend.

So in the end I guess it wasn't anything I did, but I still feel kind of insulted. But I guess I get a free dinner out of it 🤷🏻

Edit: There are a lot of comments here suggesting that I'm being naive, a doormat and letting them off easy for basically calling me a creep. I won't lie, I think you all might be right. I do believe in taking the high road on most occasions, but I don't think this should be one of those times. As a side note, I don't believe that wanting to see the best in people or taking them at their word makes you naive.

I had a call an hour ago with my project manager and explained the entire situation. She advised me to go to HR and make a complaint since it could lead to a hostile work environment. I have a meeting with them Monday. I don't really want to make a formal complaint, just have it on file in case anything happens. Tbh I don't think it will Bob doesn't seem like that kind of person, but I've been wrong plenty of times before.

So as per the advice here, I won't be going to dinner with Bob and Pam. I will however insist on a public apology that doesn't imply that I'm a creep. And I'm insisting on some fresh apple cider donuts, not store bought, but fresh.

Thank you for making me see the truth reddit. Although I'm dissapointed I'm turning down some wagyu steak, so you all owe me one haha.

Final update: I can't post any further updates on this sub, so I'll post updates on my profile.

Top comment with 14.3k upvotes:

What a pair of assholes.

Update and More Context posted 1 October 2022

Hey everyone, thanks for stopping by! I'm only allowed one update on AITA, and I can provide more detail with a self-post.

Unfortunately, there's an update to this story. Honestly, this whole thing is stupid as hell and I really just want to move on and forget this whole thing happened. But reality is often disappointing.

But first to clarify a few things:

1. I had to omit a lot of information because of character count in r/AmITheAsshole.
2. I got a few posts and DM's asking why I felt entitled to be invited. I want to make it clear. I don't feel entitled to anything. Yes, I wanted to be invited, but as I said if they had been honest with me from the beginning I wouldn't have minded as much. They were allowed to do what they wanted on their we...

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2023-11-26 06:03:52.

Original Title: My [29f] recently engaged friend [29f] implied I wasn't engaged because my boyfriend [31m] doesn't actually want to get married after being together 3 years. And I'm upset because I'm scared she's right

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwra_annoyed_ward

My [29f] recently engaged friend [29f] implied I wasn't engaged because my boyfriend [31m] doesn't actually want to get married after being together 3 years. And I'm upset because I'm scared she's right

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: emotional manipulation, neglect

Original Post - recovered with rareddit  Dec 29, 2021

My friend Elise [29f] is engaged to Rick [32,] and I [29f] am dating Luke [31m]. Elise and Rick have been engaged for a year, together for two, and I’ve been with Luke for 3 years. Fake names.

So Elise and Rick had their engagement party Sunday afternoon. I was chatting with Elise, looking at her ring, and I’m not going to lie, I felt a bit of envy. Luke and I have talked about marriage, but we haven’t even looked at rings yet. He says he wants to marry me, though, but I do think it’s taking a long time. So I asked Elise what made Rick propose to her (like how it happened). She told me that on their first date, she told him that he had a deadline. I asked what she meant, and she said that she told Rick she wasn’t going to wait around 2, 3, 4, 5 years for a man (any man, not him in particular) to marry her. She said she wants kids with the right guy but didn’t want to have kids without a stable marriage and a house. Well, they have the house and now are getting married.

Another one of her friends (don’t know her age, but I’ll call her Heidi), said she was shocked it didn’t make Rick run for the hills. Elise laughed and said, “Well, it wasn’t an ultimatum. It was a fact. If after 2 years you still can’t tell if I’m the one, then I’m clearly not, and I will be moving on. Period.” I told Elise that if I told Luke that, he would leave me. That’s when Elise said that Luke probably isn’t the right one, then, if after 3 years he’d leave me for expecting marriage.

That hurt my feelings, so I told her that marriages don’t always last and doesn’t mean someone is ‘the one’ just because they propose. She said she wasn’t worried, that she and Rick were in love and knew life would not be easy, but she’s prepared to make it work. She also said she knows marriage isn’t for everyone which is fine so long as your partner feels the same, but that marriage is a value of hers, and she wasn’t going to waste time with someone who so clearly didn’t have the same values of her. That’s when Heidi asked me what my problem was. I told her I didn’t have a problem, just stating a fact. Then Heidi asked how long I had been with Luke. I said 3 years, and she asked if I wanted to get married. I said yes, and when she asked what about Luke, I just excused myself to the restroom.

Not much else happened at the party, but when Luke and I left, I told him about the conversation. Luke laughed and called Elise ridiculous. I asked what he meant and he said, verbatim, “Only desperate and crazy women have a policy like that. Let it happen when it feels right.” So I asked him if he wanted to marry me, to which he said of course, and I asked then why weren’t we engaged when we’ve been together longer. He said he wasn’t ready yet and our relationship was fine the way it was. I asked how long did he have to wait to know and he shrugged and said “Does it matter? We’re together and that’s what is important.”

The conversation paused for a minute and then Luke asked me not to be like Elise. He said that he doesn’t like being forced to do something. I asked him if Rick felt that way (he’s good friends with Rick). He admitted that Rick never said he felt forced and that he had been planning to propose to Elise 6 months after they met, but waited a bit to make sure he wasn’t just jumping in to something.

I asked Luke if it would be okay for me to look at rings. He said I could but to not get my heart set on anything because he wasn’t ready and he said even if he was, he wasn’t willing to spend more than $1,500 on an engagement ring. Elise's ring obviously cost more than that. I never asked her how much it was, but center diamond is 2 carats, and the rest of the band is covered in diamonds. I remember she was asked once how much it was. She wouldn't answer but said that Rick bought a ring he wanted her to love and did not care about the price. He found the ring she'd like, looked at the price, and saved money to purchase it debt free. I didn't mention that to Luke, but her telling me that came back when Luke said he was only willing to spend $1,500 on a ring I'm not even allowed to really look for.

I’m not really sure why, but the conversation with Luke and Elise has made me very sad. I’m slightly angry at Elise for her implications but mostly I’m disappointed in Luke based on our conversation Sunday. He hasn’t mentioned it since this weekend, but it’s all I can think about. Did Elise go about it the right way? Is Luke wasting my time? I don’t know, both of those conversations Sunday have me feeling like something is off.

TLDR: My boyfriend isn't ready for marriage after 3 years but my friend got engaged after being together with her fiance for a year, and it's driving me nuts.

Update  Jan 2, 2022

Original here.

So I read all of the comments but by the time I was able to get back on, my thread was locked (I didn’t think it was going to take off like that). But I didn’t ignore it, so here’s the update (it starts at 'Anyway').

First, some info: Elise and Rick will have been together 3 ½ years by the time they get married. I also think I gave the wrong impression of their relationship. Elise didn’t demand a proposal from Rick, and she was surprised when it came. They honestly sound like they just had a whirlwind romance. She also didn’t say she had to be married by the end of 2 years but that you should know if you want to marry her by the end of 2 years and be ready to be engaged so long as financially, work wise, and in personal life everything is okay. They were together for a year and a couple months before he proposed. He did not propose at 6 months. He told Luke he knew she was the one at 6 months and started looking for rings then, but they got engaged later than that.

Also, I don’t care how much Elise’s ring cost or how big it is. I didn't include that part because I was being petty.  I was annoying because Luke basically told me I don’t get a say in what I’d be wearing. He developed the budget on his own without talking to me about it, and he knows next to nothing of jewelry and has never asked me what I like. I always thought he’d do what Rick and other mutual friends did which is look together, develop the budget together, and then he picks what he thinks I would like. Rick didn’t have the money for Elise’s ring (his own words) so he made a financially sound decision to save up for a ring he knew she’d like but wouldn’t break their bank, either. I figured Luke was going to do the same thing but apparently he had no intentions of doing so.

Lastly, someone mentioned that Rick doesn’t have as much going on as Luke does which isn’t true. I don’t know what Rick actually does, but he works for a major company in the financial department. He’s not an accountant, but he basically supervises all money coming and going, sort of like a treasurer. Elise is a school guidance counselor. So both are very educated, no kids outside of their relationship, and are doing okay.

Anyway.

With me and Luke, he is very much ‘go with the flow’. More than I thought, actually. The reason I didn’t reply to my first thread is because I decided to talk to Luke first. Long story short…we broke up.

Several comments said I needed to communicate what I wanted clearly to Luke, so I took an hour to write out what I really wanted in the next couple of years and then told Luke the night I posted the first thread. I told him that after 3 years, we should be seriously considering the next step. I told him I wanted kids and with my age, I’m scared of health problems and complications especially with COVID overtaking the hospitals around us. I told him that before we buy a house (we were looking) that I want to at least be engaged like Elise and Rick were. That’s not a comparison per se, but I reflected on this and I think buying a house with a boyfriend who can’t tell me when he wants to be engaged isn’t very smart. Elise and Rick were engaged when they bought their house, so were several of our married friends, and I realized that’s the minimum stage in our relationship I want to be in before purchasing a home.

Luke’s reaction was not pleasant. He told me he felt like I was trapping him in a corner and demanding a ring when I wasn’t. I told him I wanted a plan and to see if we were on the same page, but I wasn't expecting a ring tomorrow or anything, just over the next year or so. He told me h...

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2023-11-26 06:03:07.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwRAtv

Would it bother you if your husband did this??

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: emotional manipulation, accusations of infidelity

Original Post - recovered with rareddit June 27, 2022

I’m asking here because my mother says I’m justified in feeling uncomfortable with this and my younger sister says I’m not.

For background information, I’m 35, female. My husband is 38, male. We’ve been married for 11 years. We have two sons. There’s a young woman (25, female) who rents an apartment down the street from our house. She and my husband knew each other from years ago, because she used to be friends with my brother in law (who now lives in another state, he lost contact with almost everyone from his past including his family for a while but he’s starting to turn his life around now). So my husband kind of knew her when they were younger, but they didn’t stay in contact or have any relationship with each other until last summer when she moved into her current apartment. She’s a nice girl, sometimes she helps out watching our boys when our schedules when something comes up. We always invite her over when we have parties or BBQs, she gets along well with everyone.

The first thing that happened that bothered me (that could just be me overreacting) was one night she had come over to watch our sons when our normal babysitter pulled out last minute, she always refuses payment so we bought her takeout from a local restaurant with the rest of us and she ate over.

She had been swimming with the boys in our pool, and at one point said something about being cold. I was going to tell her I would run upstairs and grab her one of my sweaters when my husband took off the hoodie he was wearing and gave it to her. It just made me feel uncomfortable for some reason, but again I don’t know if I’m overreacting or not. I talked to my husband and told him how it made me feel, and told him next time in a situation like that it was so much easier to go and get one of my sweaters. He did apologize (but it doesn’t help that after he gave it to her she kept it for a few days, when she brought it back it smelled overwhelmingly like her, I asked him if he wanted me to wash it and he said no, as far as I know it still hasn’t been washed).

Last night, she came over for a graduation party for one of sons (elementary school graduation). She got a phone call in the middle of it and left for about an hour, my husband went over to check on her and she came back but seemed really upset and said something was going on with her mom health wise, I didn’t get much more info than that because I was hosting the party.

Later on almost everyone had left I was putting the boys to bed, the two of them were talking by the fire pit on this swing we have, she still seemed really upset and he had his arm around her shoulders and was clearly trying to cheer her up. None of that bothered me. What bothers me is that when I came back outside they were both asleep on the swing with her head on him.

I woke them up and they both seemed genuinely surprised and she got up, but they didn’t seem as though they got “caught” or anything.

I talked to my husband again about how it bothered me and he apologized but said that he was just trying to make her feel better and since then relationship is completely platonic I don’t have anything to be uncomfortable about and he asked if I would be upset if she was a cousin, I told him no but she’s not a cousin. He said ok and that he understood but I don’t know if he really does or was just tired and wanted the conversation to be over peacefully. My mother agreed that if she was in this situation she would be upset but my sister thinks I’m overreacting and she’d be fine with this, but my sister also isn’t married. I’m not completely sure if I’m overreacting or not so I’m looking for some other perspectives.

Last night, she came over for a graduation party for one of sons. She got a phone call in the middle of it and left for about an hour, my husband went over to check on her and she came back but seemed really upset and said something was going on with her mom health wise, I didn’t get much more info than that because I was hosting the party.

Update recovered with rareddit June 29, 2022

Part 1

Hello everyone. Thank you for all of the words of advice and different perspectives on my situation. The unanimous consensus seemed to be to talk to my husband again, and set boundaries.

I sat down and had another talk with him. I told him I wasn’t accusing him of anything and laid out exactly how everything had made me feel. He seemed genuinely sorry that I felt that way, and said he was happy that I talked to him about it all and was open about it. But he said that he didn’t understand. He said that if I was secure in our relationship, and his loyalty and monogamy, and that if I trusted her, he didn’t understand why I was upset about these things.

I tried to ask him if he would feel like it wasn’t a big deal if the roles were reversed, and it was a male friend who I was getting close to like that. He said that if there was a male and he knew the feelings were completely platonic he would be fine with it. But he said that he respected that I wasn’t, and that he was going to be more aware around her, he said he didn’t think it was fair to cut her off or stop inviting her over or having her watch the boys and I did agree.

I’m glad that he respected my boundaries and heard me out, I do wish he had understood where I was coming from a bit better though. Either way, thanks for the advice to talk to him again. I’m happy i was clear about how it all made me feel and he knows now.

Part 2

I wrote the above update, and was going to post it but then we had a fight which I think is worth bringing up here. There were so many people talking about the hoodie. So I went to go get it, and I washed it. When I was folding the laundry, my husband came in and saw that I had washed it and definitely seemed a little annoyed-he kind of sighed, rolled his eyes and shook his head. I didn’t say anything though. Later on as he was putting everything away into his closet he held up the hoodie and was like, “I told you that you didn’t have to wash it, if you’re so sure I’m going to cheat on you why does it matter what my hoodie smells like?” and then he took it and threw it onto floor of his closet instead of hanging it up with the rest of them.

I told him I didn’t think he was going to cheat on me, but I didn’t like his clothing smelling overpoweringly like another woman, he said it hadn’t smelled overpoweringly like her she had just already washed it so it smelled like her fabric softener. He said I was harping on this and that I was behaving ridiculously, etc. I told him that all I had done was wash a hoodie, which was the same thing I would’ve done if one of our kids clothes came back from a friends house.

Today after he got dressed his closet door was open and I saw the hoodie wasn’t on the floor anymore, but it wasn’t with his other sweatshirts either. I asked him where it was, and he didn’t answer, he just said (really low, to himself) “You’ve got to be kidding me, here we go again.” I told him that I wasn’t trying to start anything, it had been on the floor and now it wasn’t so if it needed to be cleaned again or ironed I would.

He turned around, told me to “Let go of the f**king hoodie, I’m not talking about it again.”

I was completely shocked because he never talked to me like that before, especially not in front of our kids. He didn’t even apologize, he just left for work and slammed the door. I really didn’t mean to make such a big deal about the hoodie, I kind of feel like he’s making a big deal about me washing it, right?

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2023-11-26 06:01:08.

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/ThrowRA-tattiepatch

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

I (M31) have been getting sexually assulted by my sister-in-law (F29) since we were teenagers.

Trigger Warnings: Sexual assault, dealing with past trauma, possible grooming, mentions of infidelity

Original Post - Nov 16, 2023

So, this is a weird one. I started dating my wife when we were both 15. We wearnt at the same school but knew each other through friends. The first couple years we were on and off until I left school and we started getting serious.

My family have a large buy to let portfolio, and around this time me and my siblings would clean and tidy up properties between tennants. At times we would just stay in the houses and I used to have my now wife and her sister over to help, stay over, watch films, whatever anything goes. Sometimes we would be watching a film and we would all be on the same counch kinda just laying intermingled with each other and her sister would start grabbing and squeezing my crotch. I told my wife and we both kinda laughed it off, she would just say oh shes just a bit jealous. This didnt happen every night but it happened regularly enough. It graduated from squeezing to….stroking. All through my trousers mind you, but odd none the less. Told the wife, same response. Wasnt bothered at all. And it became a joke between the 3 of us. Even years after when she had her own boyfriends she would do this. And my wife would make inside jokes about it while the sisters boyfriend was around! It stopped maybe 6-7 years ago when she got into a serious relationship and now theres kids involved on both sides. Never thought about it since to be honest until it reared its ugly head this past weekend. Sis and her boyfriend over for drinks and games. The night was going smoothly and I said I was taking the dog out the back for a bit. Weve just had our garden landscaped and the sister perks up and says oh I’ve not seen it since its been done I’ll come out for a look. So I’m showing her around the garden, I built a big bin shed to store all the bins in, never been so proud of anything in my life so obviously I have to show her and when we get round the corner of the house and I turn around she grabs me and throws her hand down my pants, properly right in there skin on skin starts stroking me and tells me she wants to suck it. I pulled her hand out and nervously played it off and told her I think shes had enough tonight ( alcohol ) We go back inside and I start clearing up the kitchen until everyone decides to go to bed.

I felt incredibly uncomfortable the next morning sitting with my wife, her sister, and the sisters partner, all seemingly oblivious to what happened.

Nothing has been mentioned about it yet. Ive not told my wife yet. But between now and the last time me and my wife spoke about it shes had a baby and lost a lot of self confidence, for no reason, shes as beautiful as ever, but since those issues came to light she has shown signs of insecurities when it comes to me and other women. Which she also doesnt need to worry about, but has me worried she wont see the funny side to this anymore and she might think I’m the one persuing these …advances? Abuse? I dont know.

I need help on how I can bring this up to both my wife and her sister.

Relevant Comments

winchester4life9865: There is no funny side to this and it should have never been looked at that way. This is sexual assault and if the roles were reversed they would be calling for your head. Ffs. I would confront them all together, sister, her SO, your wife and lay it all out what’s been happening for years. This is not ok and I would be considering legal action at this point.

OP: I know, looking back I dont know why I didnt make a bigger deal about it. Stupid teen behaviour. I dont really want to make a big deal of it, but I want to get my point across that it stops. And I dont want her SO involved, again, incase they think I’m the one actually persuing this. I worry that this can easily be flipped on me.

Update - Nov 17, 2023

I wasnt sure if I should be updating the original post or making a new one, so Ive made a new one but will link the old post here, and link this post in the old one.

Thanks to everyone who commented and sent messages, there was lots of really good advice and it really put me at ease regarding my worries about this being flipped on me.

For the ones commenting asking why I have an issue with this or laughing, you’re all part of the problem.

My main worry is that this can be spun around on me and I look like the perpetrator, and there was a comment saying to get proof. We have cameras around the house so I had a look, you cant really see what happened but you can definetely see that there was some sort of altercation. And you could see me frozen on the spot. I didnt think anything of watching the footage before I did, but once I watched it over a lot of emotions hit me that I wasnt expecting.

I spoke to my wife last night, I asked her why was she letting her sister touch me back in the day. She was a bit taken aback and told me she didnt really know. Told me she has felt bad about in in recent years but it stopped, the jokes stopped, and she assumed that was it, and didnt want to bring it up again since I hadnt mentioned it and everyone seemed to have moved on.

She apologized profusely and told me that around that time her sister took a liking to me which led to her (the sister) having fantasies about sharing me. My wife played along with the idea, and without going into details, my wife does like this type of thing and we have explored it, but not with the sister obviously.

I told her what happened at the weekend and she was speechless, angry, and hurt. She kept asking if I was ok and that she was sorry for never adressing it as it was.

She asked me over the past 10 years how many times has it happened and I couldnt tell her. She also asked to see my chat history with her and we went through it picking her texts apart. She pointed out a few things that may or may not be concerning.

She asked me what I wanted to do and said she would support me whatever way I needed it. I thought texting the sister would be a good idea to have anything shes admitting to in black and white. So we went with that.

I quickly brought up the weekend and ask her if she knew what happened. She denies remembering much of the night. I gently let her know that I’ve already spoken to my wife about it.

She broke down and started confessing all these feelings from years ago, telling me she gets weak and acts on them. She knows its not ok and shes ashamed of herself. She asks how much I actually told my wife and assures me nothing will happen again.

I tell her my wifes sitting next to me reading these texts and I got radio silence until this morning.

My wife and I spoke a little more before going to sleep, mostly her asking for exact details on the weekend and a little about the times before. She apologised for not being there for me and reassured me that she is and always will be.

Her sister text this morning to say should just the 3 of us meet up and talk. I havent responded yet.

Im glad its out there. Im so glad she admitted to everything. But I feel almost crippling anxiety. I feel terrible that the way my wifes talking she doesnt want to speak to her again. And I feel terrible because, I dont know what this means for the sister and her partner. They have a child and are supposed to be getting married next year. I have no idea how this will play out for them. I know its not my fault, but I feel like I’ve pulled a trigger and blasted a family apart. I didnt think I would have needed therapy, but maybe thats what I need to get my head straight and not feel like its my fault.

Thanks again to everyone who left a comment or message, and sorry to those I couldnt get back to, I was struggling to keep up with them as they came in.

Relevant Comments

Commentator suggests therapy in order to deal with the trauma in the proper ways

OP: Definetely looking into therapy, reading all the comments reinforced what a fucked up situation it is and made me realise that while I may not see it just now, theres probably some level of trauma I need to face. Thank you for the kind words.

Final Update - Nov 19, 2023

I took a lot from the comments on my previous update. I didn't want to have anything to do with her SO and felt that, that should be her job. But there were a lot of valid points to be made so I decided to have a chat wit...

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2023-11-26 06:00:37.

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Mountain_Impress8795

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole and r/AITAH

AITA for refusing to accept my husband’s gift because he thinks I’m vain and materialistic?

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse, verbal abuse, gaslighting, controlling behavior

Original Post - Recovered with rareddit - Nov 19, 2023

I’m (30F) very interested in skincare, fashion, makeup, and other feminine things. I work hard to afford the things that I want. I’m not very pretty but I am well put together and many of my friends compliment me on my outfit or other things I’m proud of. It’s a hobby I enjoy.

My husband S (27M) has always been my biggest supporter. He would listen to me and he’s always surprising me with gifts of things that I’ve been talking about or what I’ve expressed interest in. I’m always appreciative of his incredibly thoughtful gifts and I love them.

A friend of S contacted me and told me that I should stop being materialistic and making my husband buy things for me. She said he complained about it a lot. I didn’t want to accuse S without proof and I looked through his phone. We have open phones but I’ve never wanted to look thru his before. I found countless messages of him calling me vain, materialistic, obsessed with my looks, picky. He also commented that I’m not even pretty enough to be that obsessed with myself Debra times. He was complaining to friends, acquaintances, and people who barely know me. It was so hurtful that I cried for hours.

But I love my husband and I don’t want him to think I’m vain or materialistic. I gave away what I could and resolved to stop purchasing things and stop talking to him about them.

S gave me a perfume discovery set because I had recently gained an interest in perfume. I thanked him but said I didn’t need it.

He was confused and asked what was wrong with it. I told him that it was a lovely gift but I didn’t need more perfume. I said I didn’t want to be materialistic or vain. S said that he had seen my textbook on perfume and that I had bookmarked things and he knew that I was interested in it. He was teary eyed and kept asking what was wrong with his gift and why I didn’t like it. He has been very distressed since. AITA?

VERDICT REMOVED BEFORE VERDICT RENDERED

Update - Nov 19, 2023

I tried to post on the other sub but there was an error. My husband S kept asking me what exactly I didn’t like about his gift and tried to narrow why I didn’t accept it. I told him that his friend messaged me about how I was materialistic and forced S to buy me things. He looked furious. I said that I had looked at his phone and saw that he thought I was vain and materialistic and that I was trying to change that. He looked even more mad and I was tearing up at that point. Then he hugged me and apologized.

He said he didn’t think I was materialistic or vain. He thought my love for my hobbies was cute and inspiring. He loved getting me gifts because I was appreciative and he likes seeing me in things he got me.

I asked why he would say those things if he actually didn’t think I was materialistic or vain or self obsessed. He hugged me tighter and made me promise to still love and stay with him. Then he said that he was already fighting for my attention and affection with my friends, family, and my job, he wasn’t going to compete with others too.

He pulled out his phone and we read his messages together. When I had first read them, I could barely read them because I was so heartbroken but as we read them together, I realized that he started the complaining and the other person would start calling me things and they would walk away with a terrible opinion of me. I started crying again and he apologized and said he never meant it and the other people would already thought people like me were vain and shallow.

In the texts, S also insinuated that only he could get me proper gifts. It’s true that he’s the one person whose gifts were always incredible but that’s because he was very in tune with what I would want, even more than me. I still appreciate other things. I keep every card I’ve ever gotten and I still have the wrapper of a candy my childhood friend gave me. In the texts, it seems like I’m a shallow, picky person that has high standards only he can reach.

I asked him not to talk about me like that anymore. He immediately said yes. He said that he would replenish what I had given away and if I tried to reject it he would see it as spurning his affection. He apologized again and said he never wanted to hurt me.

Relevant Comments

fish0814: Damn, he really doesn't have much respect for you. If you reject his gifts because of what HE said, then you don't love him. He is pathetic.

More power to you for staying with that AH. I would never ever talk about my wife like that. No man that actually loved his wife would. Jesus. Then guilt trip you.

If you accept his gifts you are a gold digger and if you don't then you don't love him. He has a lot of nerve. You cannot win. Of course you know that already. No matter what, his friends and family will always see you as a gold digger, thanks to that AH.

OP: I can’t win. If I don’t accept his gifts, then I am rejecting him and saying I don’t love him. If I do, then I feel shallow and materialistic. I didn’t feel like this before. S is the only one who gives me gifts regularly so I don’t expect them from others. A few years ago, my friends got me gifts for my birthday and he criticized each one.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2023-11-26 06:00:08.

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Maiden_of_Tanit

Originally posted to r/actuallesbians

Thank you to u/PitaEnigma for suggesting this to the BoRU

Outed myself because I was being stupid.

Trigger Warnings: Verbal abuse, homophobia, possible religious abuse, bigotry

Original Post - Nov 19, 2023

Background: This is quite complex. I come from a very conservative religious background. My parents are from Algeria and I'm a Kabyle, a group of Berbers (we call ourselves the Amazigh or Imazighen), one of the indigenous people of North Africa. About two years ago I asked my father if he is agnostic (he is) even though my mum is a religious conservative and very Arabised (she tolerates his agnosticism as long as he pays lip service). I never believed in their god or faith but hid it. I did not tell my dad I wasn't a believer in their religion.

Situation: I recently got off a Zoom call with my dad. He started by asking if I was alone, which immediately put me on edge, I said housemates were around but not with me. He said he was alone in the house. Then he said he wanted to ask me something.

I braced myself, I expected the question to be about religion. I pretend not to have a working webcam when they call so I don't have to hide things in my room. I had started to refuse to speak in Arabic before leaving for university and had mentioned pro-Berber stuff. I expected this question from my dad.

Instead, he asked if I was lesbian. I wasn't sure how to respond, I froze up and said nothing. He tried to assure me he wasn't angry. I didn't confirm it, I was silent. I didn't even know what to say to change the subject. There were just thoughts racing through my head. I can't figured out how tf he even worked it out. I was also on Zoom, I was scared he was recording it.

He kept pushing the issue and I snapped. I told him to leave me alone, I wasn't gentle, and I hung up. I don't know what to do. He tried calling me and sent me a text apologising but I've basically fucking outed myself in the worst way possible. I don't even know why I reacted the way I did.

My gf is coming here soon. I'm scared because I'm still dependent, I have contingencies in place like I know how to declare estrangement for university purposes and I worked over the summer holidays so I have savings.

I don't know what to do, call him back or leave it for a while. If my mum finds out, she'll try to make my life hell, if her family found out. I dread to think what they'd be willing to do. After uni, the plan was to move to an address they don't know about and come out about everything before going no-contact.

I'm scared.

Relevant Comments

RevengeOfSalmacis: Obviously be careful, but it does kind of sound like he might be trying to be discreet here, and may not be looking to betray your sexual orientation to the rest of the family. If so, it's still possible the rest of them will work it out in time, but is it possible you may have at least a tacit ally in your corner?

OP: Thanks. My better half said the same. She thinks I def need to calm down, but call him back later and test the water. She said he sounds like he was trying to reach out and connect with me, and he's probably hurting right now if so.

It's just my mum's family contain people who happily hurt me physically over this. I think my father knows that though and definitely wouldn't want that.

I'm going to call him back tonight. I just need to work out how much I'm going to tell him.

Update - Nov 19, 2023

Original post:

So, after my better half came round, we spoke, I calmed down and called my dad back. Glad I did, though it wasn't entirely good news. He thinks he and my mother are heading for a breakdown in their marriage. I feel bad because part of me wanted this, losing my dad was always going to be harder on me.

He said it wasn't just one thing that made him click, it was lots of little things he noticed over the years. He said if mum noticed and got angry, he wouldn't have let her do anything if it came to that but he was glad I was discreet. I turned my webcam on so he could see me again, my pride flag and Amazigh flags in the background.

He apologised for not teaching me Kabyle growing up. He understands that I need to be ready first, as will she, but he hopes to meet my girlfriend one day. I told him I'd like that too, as would she. I told him that I wanted him to call me by my new Kabyle name now, not the old Arabic one I was given when it's just us and he asked for time to get used to that. I agreed.

He finally asked me about religion. I didn't tell him about my beliefs, my little altar to Tanit wasn't in view. I did tell him I was planning to get traditional tattoos. His only request was I don't get facial tattoos (used to be very common among Berber women). I agreed.

I confirmed I didn't believe in their religion, I wasn't dressing in a way mum would consider appropriate, I drank occasionally, and I didn't practice fasting this year. He was fine with that, he breaks fast when not around mum and drinks, which I already knew. The only thing that upset him slightly was that I destroyed the copy of the holy text I was given. He said that would make mum absolutely livid, but understands if that was something I needed to do. He sounded fairly impressed when I told him I never believed.

He promised to talk to me in Kabyle as much as he can and help me with learning the language. He told me that he was proud of me, always had been, and I just started ugly crying. I apologised to him for my earlier behaviour and told him I will be the best daughter I could be.

I'm so happy now. I feel like a weight has been lifted off me. I think, on some level, part of him is relieved that the marriage is breaking down. I hope so. I told him I'll support him as best I can.

I love him so much.

Thanks for letting me vent my original fears. I know that the religion my parents belong to is pretty obvious, I feel it's just a little more respectful to any lurking queer members of it to keep its name out of my post.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Stephenallen1977 on 2023-11-25 19:33:38.

I am NOT OP.

Original post by u/ThrowRA-wife-sister in r/relationship_advice and on his user account.

trigger warnings: sexual assault / harassment, depression

mood spoiler : positive

Previous BoRU is here posted by u/DerMaddi

New update is from 26th August 2023 marked with 🚨🚨

I also added in a few comments from the previous post.

My (37M) wife’s (34F) sister (29F) tried to kiss me and now my wife is spiraling. Help me. - 17. Jan. 2023

Sorry for how long this is, tl;dr at the bottom. As the title says, my wife’s sister made a pass at me at a recent family gathering and I have no idea what to do. For context, I think my wife “Jenna” is absolutely gorgeous but she has some really negative body image issues. This is in large part because of her sister “Mary” who is very conventionally attractive, as opposed to Jenna’s more unconventional but (imo) striking beauty.

Mary was a successful model until a couple years ago and now works in the fashion industry. In our early days of dating when I would tell Jenna she’s beautiful, she would always say “just wait until you see my sister”. When I did finally meet her family, she would randomly press me for weeks to talk about her sister, whether I thought she was more attractive than her, etc. I always told her the truth, that I think Mary is attractive in a boring way, and that I think my wife is much more beautiful and interesting to look at. She wouldn’t let it go until I confronted her about how uncomfortable it made me and asked her what was going on.

This is when she told me that she always had a chip on her shoulder about her looks because of being compared with her sister growing up. They fell into the classic “smart one/pretty one” dynamic their whole lives. She also said Mary had a habit of being flirty with all of her exes, and warned me that it would happen to me eventually. She then started sobbing and begging me to not cheat on her with her sister, to which I forcefully said I would never cheat on her with anyone, let alone her sister. I’ve been crazy about my wife since day 1 and there’s literally no woman on earth who could come close to her.

I honestly didn’t believe her about the flirting at first, I assumed it was just an extension of her insecurity, but I was wrong. Whenever we get together with my wife’s family, Mary always finds ways to touch me and make little innuendos/comments about me or my body. It’s super uncomfortable for everyone, especially my wife, and I’ve called her out on it before. She’ll cool it for a while but eventually start doing it again. It’s been six years of this, and every time it happens my wife is upset for days and I have to do a lot of reassuring.

Onto the current problem. A few days ago we were at my MIL’s birthday party, and Mary asked me to help her grab some things from the garage. As soon as we walked into the garage, she turned and pressed me up against the door with her whole body and started trying to kiss me. I immediately pushed her off and asked her what the fuck she was doing. She started giggling and saying she was just “doing what we both have been thinking” and kept insisting “you know you want to”.

I told her she was out of her mind and ran out of there. I went straight to my wife and told her we were leaving. The whole ride home she was asking me what was wrong, I wasn’t sure whether to tell her because I knew how much it was going to hurt but I also thought Mary would probably try to spin it as me making a move on her so I knew I had to just say it. I told her everything and she cried the whole way home.

For the last several days Mary has been calling and texting my wife doing exactly what I thought she would do, even telling my wife that I said she (Mary) was “the hottest girl I’ve ever seen”, which I had to assure my wife a million times that I did not and would never say even though she believes my account of the situation.

She’s been a complete wreck the last several days, she’s hardly eating, she pulls away from my touch when I try to hug her or just hold her hand, she says she feels “hideous” and “disgusting” and I don’t know what to do. This is the lowest I have ever seen her, and it hurts to see how much she’s hurting. I have no idea what to do to help her heal from this. Reddit, what should I do?

Tl;dr: My wife’s sister tried to kiss me, and this is triggering deep-set body image insecurities for my wife. How do I help her?

Comments

Honest-Illusions

All family gatherings that include "Mary" must now be non-attendable. Your wife knows what an awful woman her sister is and hopefully the rest of the family does too. To be honest, your wife's sister is evil. You have reassured your wife of your love and faithfulness. Your wife is incredibly insecure about herself, so obviously a professional may be in order for her and yourself to talk to. You love your wife, so stand by her, and be there to support her.

OOP: My in laws definitely enable her behavior, she’s the golden child, they brag about her constantly (even though my wife is literally a neuroscientist). Their mom was a pageant queen and she was their dad’s much younger trophy wife. Honestly we may have to go no contact with all of them

Update: My (37M) wife’s (34F) sister (29F) tried to kiss me and now my wife is spiraling. Help me. - 19. Jan 2023

I got a few requests for updates so here it is. I first want to thank everyone so much for your advice. It was extremely helpful and gave me a lot to think about. I’m especially thankful for the folks that asked me how I was doing. I realized that I have literally never had a chance to check in with myself after these things happen, and I’ve actually been holding a lot of frustration and resentment about it all. I’ve been harassed for years and it has either been brushed off or it’s been eclipsed by the impact it has on my wife. I don’t blame her for it, but this has been a good lesson in me not burying my feelings for the sake of others, even for her.

I also want to clarify a couple of things that came up. Several people asked about how my wife’s family feels about all this, and I explained in a comment that her parents are toxic and treat Mary as the golden child, even though my wife is a freaking neuroscientist, amazingly talented musician, speaks three languages fluently and another two conversationally… my wife and her family are seriously the only people who don’t seem to understand how exceptional she is.

I remember meeting one of my wife’s family friends and talking to them about her research, and they said, “oh wow, her parents just told us she works at a university.” Whereas my parents literally introduce her as “the family genius” to everyone. It makes me so fucking angry to think about how her asshole family has stolen her shine her whole life. She’s literally a Renaissance woman but all they care about is looks and money.

Some folks asked me why I would ever put myself in a situation alone with Mary given everything she’s done. I have no good answers for that other than I never thought she would actually try to do anything. That possibility just didn’t exist in my head. I realize now that I should’ve seen this would happen eventually, and that I should’ve been less concerned with keeping the peace and more concerned with shutting Mary’s shit down before it escalated to this point. Hindsight is 20/20.

Anyway, onto the update. The night I posted, I told my wife that if she wanted to try to repair her relationship with her sister I would respect that, but that I don’t feel comfortable being around her for the foreseeable future. I said Mary has obviously been deeply jealous of my wife her whole life because she is a hollow, ugly person whose entire value has an expiration date while my wife actually has substance. I said that I think her whole family is toxic and has done nothing but put her down her whole life, but that only she can decide whether she still wants them in her life.

I also told my wife that while I don’t blame her for her emotional reaction, her insecurity is something that she needs to work on for our relationship to be healthy. What Mary did was sexual assault and she’s been sexually harassing me for years, but I have consistently put aside my own feelings about this problem because of how it affects her, and that has prevented me from getting the support that I need, too.

I told her that her reaction only serves to punish herself and me for her sister’s behavior, and there’s no reason to give her that kind of power. I also told her something that a commenter said that really resonated with me: the only people who have ever considered her second best are her and her family. Everyone else sees her for who she really is.

She was crying the whole time and agreed that she needed to go to therapy to work on her insecurity. We were able to find a therapist who speci...

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