I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/grandkidsmove
Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole
AITA for moving to be closer to my grandkids
Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU
Trigger Warnings: emotional manipulation, pregnancy loss, possible emotional abandonment
Original Post: March 28, 2025
I have 3 kids with my ex husband; Elliott (28), Emily (21), and Joseph (19). Emily and Joseph still live at home while they attend the local state university.
3 years Elliott married his high school girlfriend, Madeline (27) and they have 3 beautiful little girls. Sophie (12) is Madeline’s half sister that Madeline and Elliott adopted 3 years ago. They also have 18 month old twin girls, Charlotte and Penelope and they’re pregnant with their first son.
Last year Madeline and Elliott moved from their apartment down the street from me to a house about 3 hours away for Elliott’s job. I try to visit them at least 2 weekends a month and I just love where they live. It’s this adorable little quiet beach town. I’ve been thinking about retiring there since Elliott and Madeline moved down there but I made the decision after I found out Madeline and Elliott are having another baby.
I put in an offer on a little cottage on the beach, a 10 minute walk to Elliott and Madeline’s house. My offer was accepted so I decided to sit Emily and Joseph down to tell them my plan.
I told them that I would be selling the house this summer and moving closer to Elliott and Madeline for an early retirement. I didn’t want them to struggle to find a place to live so I told them I will rent an apartment for them to share for 3 years or until Joseph graduates, whichever comes first. Neither will pay rent or any other expenses besides part of their groceries as long as they’re still in school.
I thought Joseph and Emily would be ok with this but they were furious. Joseph is saying that I’m choosing Elliott and my grandkids over them and Emily is claiming that I’m misusing their child support (their dad agreed to pay until they graduate from college) because I won’t get a “good” apartment (I’m getting them a simple 2 bed 1 bath apartment in good condition close to their school instead of a luxury 2 bed 2 bath with access to pools, a gym, and other nice amenities). I told her she’s welcome to pay her tuition and living expenses on the $850/month I get from her dad and now she and Joseph won’t speak to me.
Elliott is suggesting that I could’ve given them more notice and talked to them about this before I bought the house but I thought 3 months was plenty of time.
AITA for moving to be closer to Elliott, Madeline, and my grandchildren?
Verdict: Asshole
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: Yeah, this was really poorly handled. Your children are all adults and you unilaterally decided on this move that is going to hugely affect all of their lives, and then sprung it on them as a fait accompli. YTA. And it has to be said: are you sure Elliott and Madeline even want you to move to their new town?
EDIT: OP responded that E & M are active participants in the moving plan. Which I guess talking to 1 of 3 children before making this decision is better than zero, but it doesn't change the verdict for me. Also I think it's kind of messed up that Elliott didn't give his siblings a heads-up. Is anyone else getting "Elliott is the Golden Child and likes it that way" vibes?
EDIT 2: A lot of people who disagree with me are saying OP is not the AH because a. they're all adults and it's her house so she can do whatever she wants, and/or b. she's still providing an apartment for the two younger children. And yes, legally she can do whatever she wants with the house, and yes, it would be worse if she moved away, cut off all their support and told them they were on their own, which yes, she legally could do because they're adults. But she remains the AH for the way she handled this. She demonstrated to Joseph and Emily that not only does she not care about their opinions on plans that significantly affect them, she doesn't even think it's necessary to find out whether they have any.
OOP: Yes I’m sure. They were taking me to tour houses in their town when I visited.
Commenter 2: So you felt it was appropriate to talk to one of your kids but not the others? Explain this.
OOP: They were helping me find and tour properties. With my younger two I didn’t see a need to tell them until I was sure it was happening.
Commenter 3: Do Madeline and Elliott even want you there? It sounds like you're already there too much, now you basically want to live with them.
OOP: Yes. They were very excited about me potentially moving there. Elliott started dropping hints about me moving there within a month of him moving.
Commenter 4: Gee I wonder why your children who live with you are shocked that you sold the house and are moving three hours away without having mentioned it to them at any point until it was a fait accompli.
You are choosing your eldest and grandkids above them. Maybe not for the first time I imagine.
You sure like burning bridges, but as long as your needs are met, eh?
YTA
OOP: I am selling the house but I’m renting them an apartment. It’s not like I’m throwing them out onto the street.
Commenter 5: NTA. But one question, how much time do your two younger college kids spend with you? Are they active in your life? I suspect they’re like every other college kid. Absorbed into their own lives while you are lonely wishing you were closer to your grandkids. This is your time, you raised your kids. Do I think you should have discussed it with them first? Yes. I wouldn’t have purchased anything without multiple discussions but the truth of it is they’re adults now and you’re providing them with a very cushy option.
OOP: They’re not very active in my life. They have school, friends, part time jobs, parties, boyfriend, etc.
OOP responds to a [longer comment] regarding Emily and Joseph choosing to attend a local university
OOP: They chose to attend the local school because they wouldn’t pay for room and board. I do not plan to move again even if Elliott moves. I really like the area that he lives in and it seems to be a great place to retire in
What does OOP's ex-husband and the father of her children think about her moving
OOP: He lives out of state and we actually have a pretty good relationship. He doesn’t see anything wrong with what I’m doing.
I have talked to their dad about me moving. He couldn’t care less
Update: April 10, 2025 (12 days later)
Thank you to everybody that commented on my original post. A lot has happened since then.
I’ve been staying with Elliott for a little over a week after his wife experienced a medical emergency that ended with her losing the baby.
The day I left I got an email from Emily saying she was moving in with her dad and cutting contact with me. Her dad and I have a pretty good relationship so I’ve been checking in through him and apparently she’s already threatening to move out because of his expectations towards chores and financial contribution.
Joseph actually apologized to me a couple days ago. I haven’t been able to sit down with him in person but we’ve had plenty of phone calls where we talked about his future. Instead of sharing an apartment with his sister, he will get a studio apartment and contribute $200/mo towards the rent and $200/mo towards groceries. I pay for everything related to his car except for gas and he’s on my health insurance so he only pays about $100/mo for gas, leaving his total living expenses at $500/mo. His income fluctuates but it’s typically $1500-3500/mo so even during the slow seasons he should be able to afford his expenses. I agreed to split the rent with him (currently 1k/mo) for up to 2 years after he graduates.
I do wish things are better for Emily but I am happy with Joseph for how he worked everything out.
Relevant / Top Comments
Commenter 1: So your daughter moved out of state in the middle of the semester?
OOP: Yes. She chose to drop her classes this semester to spite me and expected her father to take care of her financially.
OOP responds about her youngest child and how he is accepting her decisions
OOP: The 19 year old is actually doing great. He needed a few days to come around but he and I have had some great discussions about what he wants, what I can help with, and what he can do/afford these past few days.
Commenter 2: Depending on where you live 3 months may actually not be a long time to find a suitable flat
Commenter 3: OP found a listing for an apartment that was theoretically in her budget. She did not apply for it, and thus she (and so we) has no information on whether the apartment has a wait list, has already been taken but the listing is still up, or even whether it actually exists.
OOP: We have an apartment. He’ll be moving in June. A friend of a friend owns the building so it went pretty quickly.
Commenter 4: I am happy it all worked out, it seems Emily is the biggest issue but that’s not your problem anymore
It’s a shame she lost the baby
I am suprise you got an ASShole verdict but then again Reddit really believes that parents need to break there backs forever…
Literally we’re giving the an apartment and plenty of notice
Edit: even if op butchered how they dropped the news, at most it should have been an ESH not the overwhelming YTA
They were treating this as she was abandoning middle schoolers not grown ass adults who she literally will pay for their housing.The adult kids were definitely being dicks in that post
Personally OP NTA since you still gave 3 months when this news dropped and were literally doing to pay for their housing
DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP