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My boyfriend wants to try and fix things after I told him I was thinking about breaking up, but I feel things are not the same. (lemmy.ml)
submitted 4 months ago by vis4valentine@lemmy.ml to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world
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This is gonna be a bit long. I'm 25, I'm a trans girl, my boyfriend is 25, he is a gay cis man.

We have been together for 2 years and 3 months. At first our relationship was amazing, nothing to complain, so very loving and sexy and cute. The issue at the moment was his mom, a narcissistic mentally and verbally abuses woman who seems to have hates him since birth. After one year he moved out to a house that belonged to his uncle and another uncle was living there.

Moving was cool, finally we were away from that woman, but his uncle was an alcoholic who drank daily and would get violent and loud when drinking. After a few months, we started avoiding that man while being in the house.

In September of last year his mom died. That woman had serious health issues and was the typo of person that always had a cigar in her mouth, she refused to go to the hospital for an infection and died during an operation.

We waited until another uncle of his came to our city in December, and he moved back to his mom's house. We thought things would be perfect for now, but now I had issues with him.

Since we were still at the other house where his drunk uncle lived, he started to give me "affection" in hurtful ways, started with tickles, that at first were ok, but later the tickles became a form of punishment, and he has thick fingers and tried to "tickle" me so hard that it really hurts. One day I went to a concert, a local band's tribute to me favorite band. I told him I would go and asked if he would go, but he said didn't want to go, so I went alone. The concert was so amazing, but when I came to his place the next day, he was so mad, that pinned me to the bed, he immobilized me with his weight, and started "tickling" me so hard, that I was kicking and crying. Then he started doing something similar for things like promising I would be with him at 3 PM but arrived at 6 PM, or not having money for buying dinner for both of us.

Then the biting started, it also started as something cute, but then he started biting me harder and harder, and then started to do it as another way of punishment.

And he is so possessive, and very jealous. On top of everything, he didn't want to have sex with me in so many months I lost track of when was the last time we did something.

This week I traveled from my city to the capital city of my country, some people doesn't like the city, but I do, and ended up staying a few days more than planned, and his uncle was so kind to let me stay in his apartment and help me move around, and in the end he went back to my city with him in his car.

My stay in the capital was amazing, except for how my BF reacted. He got so emotional, so mad, and we almost had a break-up but I had to salvage it because breaking up over text is ugly. I asked him to go to my psychologist together and he refused in a very angry way.

I came back yesterday and went to his house to talk to him. I told him I was seriously thinking about breaking up and listed the reasons why. He started crying, got very emotional, and finally agreed to go to psychology.

But he also said that I'm the only person he was, that he is codependent on me, and without me he would die, literally.

We talked for hours, and got over a few things, but now I kinda feel trap because I still love him and don't want him to be depressed and die, but I'm not sure I can stay here, I feel like I need a way out. I can't exist to constantly comfort him when I feel like everything is different now and we have different life goals.

I need some advice please.

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[-] JoBo@feddit.uk 24 points 4 months ago

This is classic abuser behaviour, and classic escalation of abusive behaviours.

He is escalating now because he knows you're trapped. He's threatening suicide because he knows it will trap you further.

Start working on an escape plan. Where would you go? What money would you have? Would it be wise to leave while he's out? Who can be with you to help you leave safely?

Someone else linked you to the Lundy book Why does he do that? I recommend you read it, especially if you are not yet sure that you need to leave.

Good luck.

[-] magnusrufus@lemmy.world 16 points 4 months ago

It sounds like there is a lot going on and most of it sounds very concerning.

Codependence is bad. Hinting that he will die without you is bad. It's either seeking pity, attempting to control or manipulate you, or a genuine mental health issue. Tickling, biting and punishment are bad. If you are not enjoying and consenting to those things and he knows that then it's a form of abuse if he continues any of those things. Being possessive and jealous are bad.

It sounds like he's been engaging in a lot of tactics to control you.

You can love someone and it can still be best for both of you to not be together. If he is an incomplete non-functional person without you that is his issue. He needs to fix that. It is not fair and not your responsibility to try and fill in the rest of him to make him a whole person. If the things that make you happy, like concerts and the city, upset him so much that seems like a significant issue as well. You both need to be able to do things to fulfill your individual happiness in addition to your joint happiness. If you doing the things that make you happy makes him unhappy that is incompatible. If you give up the things that make you happy for his sake that's still incompatible. Being together shouldn't depend on one of you being unhappy.

It's impossible to give perfect or absolute advice over the Internet. However I suspect you should trust your conclusion that your lives are heading in different directions. I think it would be good to discuss the things you have mentioned here with your psychologist. They are presumably a competent professional and can go into greater detail with you. In the end though a relationship has to work for both of you. If you give up the city and concerts and devote yourself to staving off his depression or self harm then you will wither and eventually resent him.

[-] Montagge@lemmy.zip 14 points 4 months ago

This is textbook abuse. He'llvsay he'll do what you want when you threaten to leave, and if you stay the behavior will start up again eventually.

I'm going to link the book a lot of people would recommend https://ia902506.us.archive.org/17/items/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-bancroft-lundy/Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That__%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20-%20Bancroft%2C%20Lundy.pdf

[-] MrJameGumb@lemmy.world 11 points 4 months ago

If he's being physically abusive then you should get away from him as soon as possible. He won't change. You don't owe him anything.

[-] OneCardboardBox 9 points 4 months ago

Even if you love him, don't forget to love yourself. It sounds rather abusive to me for him to threaten his own life for a choice you make.

[-] lwuy9v5@lemmy.world 8 points 4 months ago

No one is entitled to you, to touch you, or to hurt you. Your time and compassion is a gift you choose to give to others not a thing that is ever owed.

People can lose the privilege of access to you, and boundaries are ALWAYS okay and appropriate. Boundaries are even more okay and appropriate if you are being hurt - emotionally or physically. People repeatedly crossing your boundaries are people that are likely to continue to repeatedly cross your boundaries.

A good partner doesn't get mad when you go to things and have a good time. A good partner doesn't need to convince you to stay with them, a good partner doesn't repeatedly hurt you.

This sounds like a person that you know is causing you harm and who is now trying to manipulate you to let them continue to have access to your or to harm you. I am sure the situation is more nuanced, and there are a lot of complicated feelings - but consider that things could escalate (and sound like they are escalating) to a point that they are hurting you FAR more or trapping you into a situation that they can prevent you from leaving. Please be careful, this sounds like a time to start considering worst-case scenarios to keep yourself from ending up in the hospital or dead. Do they have keys to your place? Do they have any weapons or access to them? Do they have access to your work? Do you have anyone to stay with for some time?

You shared multiple examples here of finding happiness on your own, and juxtaposed those examples with sounding scared or harmed when you spend time with him. Please be safe.

[-] magnusrufus@lemmy.world 2 points 4 months ago

Very well said.

[-] vis4valentine@lemmy.ml 2 points 4 months ago

We don't actually live together, I haven't move in because he lives far away from my workplace and I live closer to it, and also because of the issues I told.

No, he doesn't have keys to my house.

No, he doesn't have guns (we don't live in america).

Yes, he has been to the office I work at multiple times.

Yes, I have my own place.

[-] partial_accumen@lemmy.world 7 points 4 months ago

Since we were still at the other house where his drunk uncle lived, he started to give me “affection” in hurtful ways, started with tickles, that at first were ok, but later the tickles became a form of punishment,

...and...

Then the biting started, it also started as something cute, but then he started biting me harder and harder, and then started to do it as another way of punishment.

Healthy relationship do NOT contain forms of physical painful punishment.

I kinda feel trap because I still love him and don’t want him to be depressed and die, but I’m not sure I can stay here

This is by design from him. Its emotional blackmail. You are NOT responsible for his actions, only your own. Don't let him convince you otherwise.

He started crying, got very emotional, and finally agreed to go to psychology.

I think it would be a very good idea for you to go by yourself first. There are some very important things you should hear from a professional about their assessment of your current state and guidance for what to do next. Do this very soon.

[-] Ultragigagigantic@lemmy.world 7 points 4 months ago

There are billions of people on this planet. Do not settle.

[-] Hobbes@startrek.website 4 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

You're also a typo of person.

But seriously, move on. This guy is not healthy and not good for you.

this post was submitted on 29 Mar 2024
25 points (83.8% liked)

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