this post was submitted on 15 Apr 2025
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Forever Identity Crisis (lemmy.blahaj.zone)
submitted 4 days ago by Zero22xx@lemmy.blahaj.zone to c/nonbinary@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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First I just want to say that I wish this community was busier. There's still major things missing from R*ddit around here on Lemmy. Namely, actual discussion. In all areas, like even the punk subreddit was great for actual discussion and not just dumping links and shit. And as far as gender identity goes, I'm not sure how different my mindset would be right now if it wasn't for the non-binary and genderqueer subs on R*ddit being around and just having other people's stories to read and interact with.

But to the actual post. Not so long ago, I boldly and confidently declared that I'm agender. And I truly felt it at the time. Which honestly has just made it so much more obvious just how many times daily and for how many reasons I wish I was afab. And it can't be exactly true that I'm no gender if this is how things are.

However, I remain under the non-binary umbrella because I know that I will probably never* take steps to change my physical body or even start asking people to address me in a certain way. Not going to even share these thoughts and feelings with family, or even a therapist. And I haven't even been in contact with a lot of my friends for years and in this already religious conservative leaning country that I'm in, I have no doubt that a lot have gone down Joe Rogan looking rabbit holes in the years since. I've even had one old friend catch up out of the blue, which I was quite happy about at first, who then sent me a Jordan Peterson link and I kinda ghosted that conversation and haven't spoken to him since. So I've told exactly one (1) person in my life, a decades long online friend that I've never even met in real life lol.

So based on societal pressures and various other things, not excluding imposter syndrome, I begrudgingly accept my shell despite my inner feelings. I begrudgingly accept being something 'other' or 'in between' and that I will never be either. And anyone that wants to claim that this is some sort of fad is out of their god damned mind. Because it's actually kinda shit. The world is full of "men" and "women" labels on arbitrary, cultural and non-biological shit. And being man shaped but also not only pretty much disgusted with the current state of 'masculinity' but also yearning to be surrounded by things and people with the 'women' label is shit. And I think a double source of guilt and imposter syndrome is being man shaped, feeling this way but also being attracted to women shaped people.

So yeah, it's all fucked up. After a couple of years of this journey and thinking that I had answers, turns out that I still don't really know who I am or where I belong. Or if this state of being just dooms me to be alone and seeking connection in random corners of the internet in a binary world. But it's also all good because actually life has always been this way and I've got this far.

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[–] WoodScientist@sh.itjust.works 6 points 4 days ago (1 children)

What makes you feel you'll never be able to medically or socially transition? Ultimately you only have one life to live, and that life is too short to spend it living a lie.

[–] Zero22xx@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 4 days ago (1 children)

Well the immediate answer is that I don't feel comfortable or safe doing that in my current surroundings. It's not like there's roving christians with pitchforks outside but I'm not exactly in a big city or particularly socially progressive area either. I've actually thought about this and if I ever did take that step, I think I would need to move somewhere new with no personal history for me. So that I don't have to explain anything to anyone or watch people change. Or be hurt I guess.

Maybe I'm just in a comfort zone. Or a coward. Or came to this awakening too late in life. Or making excuses.

I'm not completely denying myself though and feeding my soul in my own little ways for now. Not trying to pretend to be or force myself to be a 'man' in the slightest either. I've definitely already got a couple of 'looks' just from having long hair, no beard, a little jewelry and an already kinda different fashion sense to start with (those looks are what scares me about going all the way too). Kinda dying to start adding a little eyeliner and nail polish into my look but still too coward. Might do it under the guise of going out to a gig at an alt club or something though. For now, I think Howl from Howl's Moving Castle is goals lol. I aim to be beautiful as opposed to handsome, if that makes sense.

Sometimes it's enough for my soul to just be a little gender non conforming or like a question mark. Not all the time and probably not most of the time but it's what I've got to work with for now. And I'm aware that's all superficial and cultural (which I just complained about) but for now, a little treatment is better than no treatment and no cure.

And sorry for the essay. I've very seldom discussed this stuff or even got these thoughts out into words before.

[–] zea_64@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 4 days ago

I don't think the looks people give scale linearly with how nonconforming you are, so you're probably already near peak look from others.

[–] radish@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 4 days ago (1 children)

I think you fear hypothetical hate crimes and hypothetical regret more than your current very real misery. Refusing to let yourself live a life as yourself because of what might happen isn't healthy.

Judging by your replies in this thread, you aren't in an extremely dangerous area. I'm not sure where you live so I can't say for certain, but there are queer people everywhere and before giving up hope entirely I'd look into what the queer community looks like in your area, irl or online. I live in a small town in the US with a lot of conservatives but I know at least a few queer people, and I've been medically transitioning for over a year now. It's easier said than done of course but I think you should at least try; repressing yourself is only going to make you feel worse.

Regardless of what labels you find fit you best too, you should try to become the person you enjoy being the most. Whether that involves looking into HRT or presenting more feminine (which it seems you've started doing), or whatever you'd like, I think you should be yourself, regardless of what others might think. It's not a commitment either, you can decide something's not for you at any time.

[–] Zero22xx@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 4 days ago

Yeah, I think that a big step that would help me is to start making friends again. Honestly I dipped out of the world a few years ago and if I've done any socialising, it's been 90% online. I tend to run away from any potential friendship these days and I've started hating it.

I'm not far from Cape Town though, which is pretty queer friendly last I checked. So I don't really have an excuse, apart from being eternally on the edge of broke though. That would mean using Facebook though, unfortunately. That's where people and all the groups and shit still mostly are here on the southern tip of Africa, unfortunately. An old friend who lives in Cape Town actually tried to reach out to me on Facebook and I ran away and haven't gone back since lol.

So I've got some work to do. That's for sure.

[–] FriendlyBeagleDog@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 4 days ago* (last edited 4 days ago) (1 children)

I would maybe suggest focusing less on labels, and more on what you actually want out of life substantively? You can associate more with women or things traditionally aligned with femininity if you want to, and regardless of gender identity.

But also, if as your post implies you want to be and for people to see you as more feminine - then I think you should consider taking steps to pursue that? In all likelihood, we only get one life - and it's too short to spend miserably living a lie longing for something else. There's no need to begrudgingly degender yourself if that's not something you actually want to do.

If physical changes are something that you actually want, less the social stigma - you can see about quietly beginning gender affirming care without publicly announcing any change to your identity. It's also not something that you have to stay the course on if it turns out not to be right for you. You might find that it slots some things into place though.

[–] Zero22xx@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 4 days ago* (last edited 4 days ago) (1 children)

I think what my answer to the "why not" question really is, is fear. Fear of other people. Not just angry faceless bigots but loved ones too. Also fear of changing my mind. After all, before I started really started addressing this, it was easy to ignore and push these thoughts to the back of my mind before. And this has been a rollercoaster. I've already declared myself agender and come back to this again in a couple of months. So the answer is fear. Of a lot of things, myself included.

And honestly money too. I'm not well off and can't pack everything up and move somewhere new to start again. If I could've, there's a strong chance I would've by now and freed myself a little more.

Edit: actually another answer is imposter syndrome, which I mentioned. Feeling like there's a chance that I'm completely wrong, and on the wrong path. Like, even just discussing small steps I'm taking, let alone feelings as a whole, I feel somehow pretentious in a way. From what I'm seen, having those kinds of doubts isn't uncommon though.

[–] FriendlyBeagleDog@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 4 days ago* (last edited 4 days ago)

I understand the fear. It's hard to live with the knowledge that who you are might mean you're rejected by even the people you assumed would love you unconditionally.

But on the other hand, what's the value in being loved for the character you play? Wouldn't you prefer to know how they feel about who you actually are?

I saw from your other comment that you're dipping into presenting more like you feel, and that's great - there's no rush.

I'm two years into hormones and my life has been so much better for it, despite being reluctant and uncertain at first - only in the past year or so have I really been telling people. Cis people are spectacularly unobservant and you'd probably be able to hide that anything's changing for a while.

[–] moonlight@fedia.io 3 points 4 days ago (1 children)

I can relate to a lot of what you're feeling. Being AMAB nonbinary is really hard. I feel envious of pretty much everyone else: of AFAB nonbinary people who have so much more space given to them by society, of binary trans people who feel euphoria and clarity when transitioning, and may eventually pass, but most of all of cis people who just naturally fit in as who they are.

I'm currently taking low dose estrogen, but it's not really having the effects I'd like yet and I'm constantly feeling conflicted about it, unsure whether I should double it or stop it.

However I would really recommend that you DO try HRT, as it's worth exploring, and it has mental effects as well. It's an incremental process, so you'll be able to boymode without difficulty for quite a while, and you can stop whenever if it's not what you want. And if you are wanting to wear makeup and jewelry etc. looking more feminine, even subtly, will actually make you stand out less.

Lastly, there are plenty of good women out there that will pick up on your feminine side and accept you. I have friends including cis women who I think genuinely don't view me as a man, despite me still appearing as such.

I haven't figured out how to date though. It's really rough being too feminine for straight women and too masculine for gay women. I've never been able to fulfill gendered expectations, when I experience a sapphic style of attraction, and I'm terrified of being seen as a creepy aggressive man.

[–] Zero22xx@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 4 days ago

it has mental effects as well

I have seen people report that it seems to have a beneficial effect on mental health before you see any physical effects, which intrigues me. Your remark about wondering to double the dose or stop makes it seem like you're doing this on your own without a doc. And I hadn't considered that as an option to try, assuming I'm on the right track.

And yeah, as far as friendship goes, I've definitely found a different kind of friendship depending on men or women. I would be lying if I said I haven't had good male friends in my life. Usually based around music and movies and games and shit. But the real mask off friendships that I've had over the years and Deep Meaningful Conversations™ into the early hours of the morning have been with women.

Relationships and attraction, on the other hand, have been generally pretty messy for me though. For a number of reasons. It's been years since I even last put myself out there though, to be honest.