Only chat with people you find attractive. Flirt like hell. Be charming. Chat until you're interested in them but don't ever lead them on. If you ever lose interest, try to let them down nicely unless they're annoying or it's obvious it's a numbers game to them.

Then just keep chatting until I want to meet them. Be sure to talk about real world stuff, interests, fears, hobbies, etc. If they're pushy, red flag. If they're not interested or not active, move on quickly. Don't block genuine people, that's shitty and rude.

Remember the goal is to find somebody you're actually compatible with. This means you need to know a lot about yourself and your likes and needs and dislikes. You also need to know your compatible audience - like, I'm not gonna pull 10s, but I'm not interested in sub-6s. I also know that I'm fucking weird and talk a lot, so I need someone who can financially pull their own, has some ambition, and can handle me and stimulate me. I have some high standards when it comes to certain things.

Figure out where your people are. Go there. Socialize. Just be you. Never don't be you, because that's a waste of time.

For example: I'm bisexual, and want all the things. But I know that there are certain demographics that are more interested in me than others. I'll figure out the overlap and decide if that's what I want or feel like. Often, it's really smart, thoughtful, emotionally mature men with deeper pockets and compatible kinks and lifestyle and interests.

So, if we can stand each other in chat (do not mistake this for having a low bar, this is actually the opposite), and find each other visually attractive, that's 80% of it.

For me, that's ended up being a few online places.

But take this all with a grain of salt, I'm currently looking for a long term partner, but have extremely specific needs that I'm not sure how to ethically communicate.

Then, when meeting, go for food. For me, I keep running into people with bizarrely bad personal hygiene and annoying eating habits like being vegan or they're autistic with extremely specific diets. Don't get me wrong, I don't actually care, I just DO like food, talking about it, experiencing new things, and if somebody can't eat like pizza or a burger or sushi, it's not gonna work unless you have something exceptional about you. Last guy I dated didn't use soap and we searched all around our city for the best pizza and I absolutely fell for him. Ugh. We had a good rating system.

Look for what you want. If you don't want large groups, why would you search there? Dating is social though, so figure out how you want to socialize with another person(s). For me, it's orgies and videogames and naps and philosophy and exploring irl.

Tldr: find your people.

I was in a simmilar situation a while ago

For a multitude of reasons I left mainstream society as whole and began hanging out with alternative and queer communities exclusively.

Along with other things I noted my dating experience was improving significantly. Not only did I found other neurodivergent folk with whom a social interaction was fun, but I was influenced by what I actually wanted in a partner.

After becoming poly and beginnging my transition, going back to dating in "normie-space" turned out to be impossible.

At this point I think the difference in what I need and what the mainstream can provide is to large. The people who understand me most are the ones whom I share a connection with, either by having simmilar conditions or modes of thinking in general. Those are the people I want to date and who also want to date me, for simmilar reasons.

Maybe not a feasible option for you, but I know others who have a simmilar story like this. Hope you find a fitting solution

how do you meet people for the purpose of dating?

I don't. I work and go home, go to the grocery store or other errands sometimes, and occasionally walk some nearby trails to a spot I can smoke a joint and read a book by a creek. That's it. I can't meet people at the stores because women just want to do their business without being bothered (be they customer or employee), everyone at work is married or dating (half of them to each other, no less), and on the trails they'd rather I was a bear than some random stoner with a used book, so I can't meet them there either. Commonly I'm told I should join a gym or find a hobby like you, by what I can only assume is a guy who found his wife in 1986, but then I'm also told by like actual women (trans inclusive) they don't like it when the 6000th guy hits on them at those places, so idk who to believe but so far I'm believing the women. The bars and apps are conducive to hook ups and flings not lasting relationships, which isn't what I'm looking for, and in addition to the bar's clientelle being on average heavier drinkers that I'm seeking and the apps being spyware and pay to play.

I'll come back to this thread to peruse myself though, hopefully there'll be something more than "get lucky" and "transition and become poly" by the time I come back lol. Already trying the "just be lucky" option and transitioning is a little more than I'm willing to do just to get a date, since I'm not trans lmao.

I tried dating sites for a while with much disappointment. I tried joining a few activity groups, but didn't find anyone who really understood me.

I never actually dated anyone, I just claimed my human and moved in with them. We've been married for several years and they're still my best friend.

I can't offer much advice about finding someone because I just got lucky.
I can tell you that stereotypical dating is far less important than finding a friend who makes you feel comfortable and safe, and brings out the best in you.

honestly? I met the love of my life by being lewd in a TF2 lobby, and my boyfriend before him, I met through dungeons and dragons.

(Gonna stop lurking for a change and try posting something... but I don't have any easy solution for this either 😅)

I personally haven't had any luck, and can empathize with the crappiness of online dating - thanks Match Group for making everything a nightmarish swipefest! (And thanks late-stage capitalism for a lack of third places!)

If you need a sign of hopefulness - all of my friends are AuDHD and are in stable long-term relationships. Most of them met their people through specific hobbies that had a more "extreme" edge to them (things like BDSM and LARP). The rest were set up by mutual friends. So it's certainly possible.

But if you're like me and feel like things are hopeless... I'll share advice from therapy I've gotten on the matter, in the hopes it might help someone else:

Basically my therapist suggested that I may never have a romantic relationship in my entire life, and if that happens, what type of life would I live in spite of that? Radical acceptance of that idea and "playing the tape through to the end", as painful as it has been, has been something I've grappled with this past year.

Real example of said grappling: Do I want to take a solo trip to Japan? Hell no , the idea terrifies me. I don't want to leave my room most days, and I don't know the language. But waiting for a partner to show up in my life to share it with isn't ideal either, because it means continuing to put my life on hold for an outcome I can in no way guarantee. And I would like to visit Japan sooner rather than later.

In my darkest moments, I often feel immense shame and hopelessness because I haven't been successful with dating or love, believing that I am somehow uniquely broken. Leaning into that fear/shame has both been really hard and at least gotten me out there doing activities solo these past few months rather than simply wait for "luck" to strike. I suppose getting out there in some way increases the probability I may find someone, but it's kind of a counterintuitive way to get there.

(30s F, for reference)

When I go outside and see someone cute, I go up to them and say "hey sorry for disturbing you, but I thought you were very cute, would you maybe like to get to know each other?" and then go from there. Most of the time the response is "no", but met some cool people through this.

the advice of “go find a group hangout” feels very antithetical to my entire being. I hate being in large groups where I know no one.

You don't have to go alone, bring a friend. Do you work in an office? Go to a happy hour with your co workers, especially if they're of the opposite sex. Women are the best wingmen for dudes.

there’s usually a reason we can’t even entertain dating

Do they have friends? If you enjoy talking to them maybe they've got single friends?

Do new interesting things in groups.

Met my last girlfriend while volunteering at a festival.