Seattle

After rumors that a McDonalds is opening just up the street in the old vacant Rite-Aid building on Broadway, today Dick’s announced it’s prepared to compete against it with an even sticker, hairier ball pit.

“Everyone knows we’ve got the better burgers and fries no one would fake barely taking a bite of and now we’re going to have the most sticky, diseased ball pit in the city too,” said Dick’s CEO Jasmine Donovan. “And you can bet I’m not just dipping the tip of a socked toe in it like some prissy McDonald’s CEO—I’ll be diving in face-first to gargle those balls for all to see.”