[-] EmoBean@lemmy.world 58 points 8 months ago

I had to change my diet to purely swallowing peanuts with water. Then, I slowly reintroduced my typical diet of McDonald's double cheese burgers, vodka, and energy drinks. Once I had a population of squirrels that could tolerate my pure excrement, things really took off. They started getting larger and mutating. I had to stop before they started raping all the dogs in the neighborhood. I spent nearly 2 months holed up in my attic with a pallet of MREs, 4 dozen handles of vodka, and 15,000 rounds of M855.

[-] EmoBean@lemmy.world 79 points 8 months ago

I had a girl start choking me when we made out in the back of my van for the first time. I have never been choked nor choked, so I didn't really know what to do in the moment, just rolled with it. Later asked her about it and asked "is that what you like" to which she obviously said yes. People are horrible at communication, no wonder that relationship failed.

[-] EmoBean@lemmy.world 42 points 8 months ago

Me trying to find my gspot.

[-] EmoBean@lemmy.world 70 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago)

I can't wait to find out how much YouTube is going to sue me for in 2025 for 20 years of blocked ad revenue. They're going to use 2005 Napster math. You didn't watch 3 ads per video x 6,000,000 played videos = $2 million lost revenue, pay up citizen, your Google services have been disabled, all location and behavior data is in possession of Alphabet Debt Collection, you cannot run, you cannot hide.

[-] EmoBean@lemmy.world 43 points 8 months ago

I sure hope I never get injured using my chainsaw out in the forest with no cell service. It's going to be so awesome bleeding out in a truck that cuts to 5mph max because I'm too busy holding the tourniquet on my leg while I drive. That's certainly NEVER happened. NEVER happens, to nobody, including my mother.

[-] EmoBean@lemmy.world 111 points 8 months ago

This is why I like greentexts, I'm fucked up, but I'm not sniffing feet in skyrim vr fucked up. There's still hope for me at least.

[-] EmoBean@lemmy.world 125 points 8 months ago

Bruh, mark your cum jug NSFW, we're not confused. Everyone has a cum jug.

[-] EmoBean@lemmy.world 39 points 8 months ago

He's either developing the next epidemic, or he's training his immune system to have street fights. He'll either be the savior or destroyer of the human race.

[-] EmoBean@lemmy.world 133 points 9 months ago

So glad I decided to stop lurking and actually start participating right as the whole fediverse dies out, it's not just lemmy.

[-] EmoBean@lemmy.world 44 points 9 months ago
[-] EmoBean@lemmy.world 44 points 9 months ago

How are people still saying that unironically?

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EmoBean

joined 9 months ago