Flyingrock

I feel the exact same way.. Sadly I don't think the perfect option exists, it would require something that's both an encrypted IM program and something you could self host servers on and plug into so users could join based on a link. Like Skype/icq meets teamspeak.

I've also seen Roomy and Voltage mentioned around too but haven't personally looked into them.

Honestly I'd love different forums with only a centralized login system that can be optionally used, sorta how ezboard were at one point.