spoiler
It's a lot of things. I have no friends or any sort of support network. 3 years of studying has just left me with student debt and an education in something that I have no real interest or passion for, and I haven't been able to even get a job interview so far. When it comes to family my brother is a far-right transphobe while my parents are just clueless liberals trying to be supportive of me while also saying that I need to respect my brothers wordview. The only good thing is that I got on HRT last year, but that also means that I have to constantly put in effort to hide my breast growth because I'm not ready to come out yet. Just feels like I've failed at life, tbh
Wish I had more positive stuff to share :(
declining mental health, self-harm, suicidal feelings, medical gatekeeping
I'm less isolated and lonely now that I'm back at my parents place, but overall my mental health is still getting worse. The cutting has increased, and I'm becoming suicidal. I've been hesitant to talk to a mental health professional about this, since I fear it will lead to gender affirming care being gatekept from me, but now I see that I'm going to be gatekept regardless, so fuck it.
I honestly don't know how it will help though, the root causes are not something that can just be fixed with therapy. Maybe they'll give me antidepressants and that will somehow magically give me the ability to get my shit together, idk...
I love having long hair. So gender 
Nooo, the old megathread got locked before I could send my reply 
In better news, my transphobic brother will be in another country for the next few months 
It's gonna be so nice to just have my parents around for a while
Not doing so good...
CW: Self harm
I'll be moving back in with my parents at the end of the month, thankfully. I'm so isolated where I currently live, and it's making my mental health worse with each day. I'm just alone with my thoughts for the majority of the day.
I cut myself about an hour ago. I've never considered myself to be someone at risk of self harm before, but for the past few days I had been thinking a lot about cutting myself, and I'd been feeling awful the entire day today. It gave me a break from the negative thoughts, but now I'm worried that this will happen again. I'm gonna try turning to junk food instead, not a good way to cope but it's literally the only other alternative I have rn.
Also, I'm not sure if I should tell anyone irl about this. Maybe I will if it happens again. I hope it won't.
I'm in desperate need of at least three different types of therapy at this point. General therapy for my abysmal self-image, gender therapy for all my trans related problems, and cognitive behavioral therapy for my ADHD. Feels like I'm so far away from living anything close to a normal, happy life 
I saw a girl in the mirror
So apparently I'm what's called a vocal underdoer. I've used my voice very little in recent years, which has caused it to get much weaker. Now I need to undo the damage if I want to reach my voice goals.
Negativity
As if regular voice training wasn't hard enough already, now I have to do several voice strengthening excercies on top of that. It's all so overwhelming, wish I could just give up and become mute 
Fat redistribution has made my upper arms squishy :3
Liberals alway seem to conveniently forget that trans Palestinians exist, and that the biggest danger to trans people living in Gaza currently is not Hamas, but the fascist, genocidal settler state that "lesser evil" Biden is doing everything possible to support
Finally started voice training, can't wait to have a cute girl voice! 
I hope my future gf gives me flowers. It would make me melt