Therapy is expensive, so the internet is getting this vent.
I had originally written this intending for it to be a reply to a comment talking about sources of the feeling, so this is divided by source.
Capitalistic:
I had one job (Job 1) that had poor sales so they laid off employees.
I looked for jobs for over 2 months and applied for a factory position at another workplace (Job 2); Job 2 reached out to me and said that with my credentials they wanted me in a higher up and specialized office position instead, which I accepted. I had been invited to weekly meetings with the higher ups, including the CEO and the like, but one day another employee who goes to these meeting said she got an email from our department boss (who happens to be a family member of hers) saying that I didn’t have to attend that day’s meeting; I did not receive this email. Later that week was the day before my 90 day performance review and qualification for benefits; boss called me into HR’s office to say that even though my performance was fine, they have eliminated my position in a re-org for financial reasons. Additionally, I had been hired by Job 2 before the tariffs had hit but after everybody knew they were coming, so Job 2 would have known their upcoming financial prospects beforehand. Did the people at Job 2 who handle the hiring ask for me to take that position just to use me for 3 months and then dump me? Was that their plan from the beginning? Did the employee who received the email know at that time that I’d be eliminated? Did other employees know I’d be eliminated? Did I do something wrong, either professionally or a social faux pas, that they wouldn’t tell me about?
I spent a much shorter time looking for work after Job 2. My current workplace (Job 3) had a recruiter reach out to me for my background and they hired me immediately, with a 40% higher pay than the previous jobs. “Training” was just standing over the shoulders of a couple of people in another position for a month, slowly waiting for new information to randomly come up. There has been basically no instructions or expectations presented of what is expected of my output/tasks. It feels like curiosity, etiquette, and any English language usage or academic/cultural references past maybe a 5th grade level are frowned upon and punished, whereas contradicting knowledge, crassness and bigotry, and unstimulating banal notions are rewarded. My manager provides unclear instructions and gets frustrated when I ask for clarifications, and he has my ideas and efforts to make things better or more clear twisted into points against me. I’m going to graded on “cultural fit” shortly, but I don’t relate to the simplistic interests that almost all other employees apparently have. I get explicitly told that I don’t fit in. They wanted someone with my qualifications and they met me during the interview, yet it feels like they wanted to hire an alien to be homogenous to them.
Other, non-capitalistic factors:
Family: Most of my immediate and extended family is of a particular religion. They’d say they care about me and that I’m a loved one but their doctrine says I’m categorically evil and that I should be punished severely. “Those who believe absurdities…” yada yada yada.
My immediate family stands by a narcissistic and manipulative family member. Among other things, this family member chose to do nothing about physical and verbal abuse that I had been receiving which he had the authority to stop, and (when we were both adults) he also threatened physical harm and attempted to take several thousand dollars worth of my personal property. I’ve since cut contact but my immediate family still tries to get me to go to events where he will be present. Everybody knows what this family member voted for too 😬, but I don’t need to familiarize you with the wider consequences of that.
Socially: I’ve never been popular or cool. As a child and even into college friend groups, I always felt like the nth wheel or an incidental afterthought. Most of my interests and hobbies were stigmatized or out of fashion, and rarely did any apparent friend of mine want to partake with me in those hobbies which weren’t. I didn’t get invited to most things. After college, most of my friends ghosted me; in one case, I wished one of them “Happy Birthday”, they responded “Thanks” and before I could write “You’re welcome”, they had blocked me.
Romantically: Generally, little success. Notable incidences:
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A couple of brief relationships in middle and high school. Neither were too long or are too noteworthy. Both feel like they just wanted a person’s body more than a person themself, if that makes sense.
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In high school, a girl asked me to homecoming and I went with her since I thought she was generally smart even though I didn’t feel a strong connection; I assume she asked me out due to general pity, or due to a pious desire to help those in misfortune, or perhaps even to convert me.
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Later in high school, the girl I had an interest in at the time had said she wanted to win a raffle for $100 or so when she happened to be sitting next to me at the drawing; incidentally, I won this raffle. In private, I asked if she’d take that money for a prom ticket with me, but she politely declined and said she didn’t like proms. A week or two later, I overheard her saying she’d happily go to (the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory themed) prom if she and others could “dress up like an Oompa-Loompa”. I’m less appealing than being an Oompa-Loompa?
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A common situation in high school was me developing a crush on a girl, only to be told later that she isn’t into my gender. I respected that, and moved on. This happened a very frustrating number of times; some of those times were later proven false, so I may have had a chance but didn’t even know I could take it.
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Dating didn’t happen in college. I thought I had a date once and it was probably the happiest day of my life because I really liked her and found the couple hours together really engaging and stimulating. A few days later, I find out that she isn’t into my gender.
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While at Job 1, I had signed up for a speed dating event in hopes of finding a proper venue to solicit a relationship from someone. Job 1 laid me off like a week before the event, and becoming unemployed crushed my dating appeal. Nevertheless, the event turned out to be a scam to steal my sign-up money.
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After starting Job 2, I had more confidence in my dating appeal and tried a couple of dating apps. I matched with someone whom I felt a really great connection with and whom I really admired, but she was sick at the time so plans kept falling through. On her end, her new job totally cancelled on her so she abandoned her plans to make a new relationship. She had given me her number, found out she had lost the upcoming job, deleted her profile, and after I texted her she told me she had deleted her profile and why.
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While at Job 2, I matched with somebody whom I knew from high school that I thought was attractive but whom I had previously thought wasn’t into my gender (as well as one or two other make-or-break factors for me that her profile clarified). We messaged briefly and then she ghosted me.
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Finally got a match that ended up with an in-person date, my first in years. Going in, I worried we’d be too alike. Heading out, I felt we were too different. Her message afterward said that I’m “a cool guy” (I’m not) but she didn’t want to hang out again. It feels like she matched with me simply because I met her basic parameters (ex. no smoking, religious views, political alignment) rather than any personal appeal.
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Another match. Not a super deep connection but we were getting along. As we were beginning to make plans, Job #2 dropped me. I passed this info on to her and said that I’d feel insufficient in a relationship without a job, especially knowing from last time how long unemployment can take.
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During the entire 6 months on dating apps, I’ve received only a couple of likes at most one app and zero compliments (the mode of engagement/solicitation) on Hinge, the other app.
Online: Can’t have an account on this social media because the owner is a corrupt billionaire. Can’t have an account on this other social media because the owner is a corrupt billionaire. Can’t have an account on this other social media because the ads are so goddamn evil and perverse. Can’t have an account on this other social media because every post is by bots. Can’t have an account on this other social media because I get harassed and bullied by the owner for calling out problems and for honestly trying to do what is asked of users.
In another thread, people are saying my feeling is paranoia. Is the above background a reason enough to feel unstable and unsure?
I try to do the right thing and to value kindness and empathy and education and ethics and all those good things, but it feels like these don’t get me anywhere. Why do the bigots and anti-intellectuals and abusers get to go home feeling satisfied and see people who love them but I don’t? I feel like less than a human but then I see what humans do and I feel glad I’m not like them but still feel like shit because I get nothing out of trying to be good. Once I feel like I’m in a good position, everything crashes down. What I work towards turns out to be a mirage and my values and efforts to make things better are prohibitive. Or maybe it’s just a goddamn curse on me.
Sure, but don’t even ask about my ligma