IN A.D. 2101

WAR WAS BEGINNING.

👋 Hello darkness 🌃, my old friend 🧑‍🤝‍🧑, I've come to talk with you again 🗣️. Because a vision softly creeping 👁️, left its seeds 🌱 while I was sleeping 🛏️. And the vision that was planted in my brain still remain 🧠, within the sound of silence 🔇. In restless dreams I walked alone 🚶, narrow streets of cobblestone 🛤️. 'Neath the halo of a street lamp 🔦, I turned my collar to the cold and damp 🌊. When my eyes were stabbed 🔪 by the flash of a neon light 📸 that split the night 🌉, and touched the sound of silence 🔉. And in the naked light I saw ten thousand people 🤼, maybe more. People talking without speaking 🙊. People hearing without listening 🙉. People writing songs that voices never share 🎤. No one dared 😶, disturb the sound of silence 🥁. "Fools" said I 🤓, "You do not know silence like a cancer grows 💗. Hear my words that I might teach you 🧑‍🏫, take my arms that I might reach you. 🫲" But my words like silent raindrops fell 💦, and echoed in the wells of silence 🕳️. And the people bowed and prayed 🙏 to the neon god they made 🌟, and the sign 🛑 flashed out its warning in the words that is was forming ⚠️. And the sign said, "The words of the prophets 📖, are written on the subway walls 🚈, and the tenement halls 🏠, and whispered in the sounds of silence🤫.

Millions of years of evolution.  Countless struggles and hardships through hundreds of generations.  Blood, sweat, and tears...all to get your father's sperm to fertilize your mother's egg and create you.  

 All so you can drink from the Iron Man (TM) Coca-Cola (TM) can.

I wonder if this was the end game Columbus had when he boarded that ship...Gutenberg when he invented the printing press, Newton when he discovered gravity...those men who stormed Normandy and the caveman who chistled the first wheel.  If they could see this...would Newton have burned all his notes?  Would Gutenberg smashed his printing press, knowing what it would print someday?  Would Columbus had turned his ship around?  Would the men landing on Normandy have turned their ships around?

Is like how the man who shot Franz Ferdinand probably never imaged he'd help create anime...

Please put an NSFW tag on this. I was on the train and when I saw this I had to start furiously masturbating. Everyone else gave me strange looks and were saying things like “what the fuck” and “call the police”. I dropped my phone and everyone around me saw this image. Now there is a whole train of men masturbating together at this one image. This is all your fault, you could have prevented this if you had just tagged this post NSFW.

"Hey man, can I get a hand with this real quick?"

Everything traditionally regarded as typical about James' posture, followed by his gait, followed by his usual diction and within reason his voice, would become deliberately unaltered within roughly the same duration occupied by the question in asking.

He somehow rose to an even taller stature than Mohammad could recall having observed anytime prior, before instantly walking with an efficiency that appeared swift visually—albeit at a measurably slow rate of travel, in fact comically so, and having predetermined both the slow walk and the illusion of speed consciously. He began to close upon his general vicinity, or something approaching that. It was equally as obvious, as every individual detail respecting the inordinately abrasive and functionally instantaneous total abandon of his known self had just become, that he was not approaching Mohammad directly because he didn't want to. It became immediately self evident that the dominant, commanding authority, the unmodified presence of whom proved sufficient for the consumption of all attention made available to him, was James. The "James," with whom anyone then familiar to both Mohammad and James was familiar as well, was born from an exhaustive alternate persona of James' own design and the performance of its intended function. "James" did not actually exist.

All the while directing his gaze, continually, to the effect that his colleague remained barely outside the fringe of his vision, or barely within the periphery, or call it whatever you will, he… eventually… stood somewhat close. Within a single digit matter of seconds, James had effectively conveyed his true demeanor by demonstration. His overall physical presence, behavior, or what have you, had for all practical purposes been revealed as they were meant to be, at long last; his real character having been exposed, of his own volition, in the form of coherent analogy to some character embodied by some bad guy in some cartoon; his paces meeting the floor as menacingly as he knew how, and to that end, commiting adequate bodyweight to each step as slowly as he knew how to walk without standing still, simply because that's how the real James actually walked; the sundry of other minute details that wouldn't necessarily mean anything without supporting the rest of the act that's not an act… The assumption of the role of himself properly, regarded as a whole, served to facilitate the animation of the real cartoon villain James in all three directions through space. It was almost as if he were building a nearly self-aware level of suspense, just for maximum irony, only for the hyperbole of tension amassed to have set up no payoff at all climactic; just so he could finally deliver some theoretically eye-roll inducing monologue outside all existing context, just to describe his own relevance to the plot almost literally through exposition ostensibly unwarranted. No matter how much it may have appeared that way, however, I'm quite afraid that the twist is that there is no twist because, uh, yeah: that is exactly what happened.

"Before either of us say anything else, I'm going to lay down a very specific set of ground rules that shall, beginning this instant and withstanding incessantly for as long as time should persist, usurp all accountability and oversight but their own—not only on principle, but more importantly because they have to if only as a technical matter. The conditions I hold imperative are as follows: that we, including you and also including me, are to actively avoid the violation of anyone's privacy to the extent that's realistically feasible—again, not only on principle, but more importantly because we have to if only as a technical matter. Moreover, it should further stand to reason that neither of us, to the exclusion of both you and me, are ever at liberty to affect anyone and/or anything, in any way illegal under normal circumstances, unless and until said person and/or the owner of said property shall have explicitly requested execution according to such procedure, and particularly described the intended result thereof with a level of precision that is objectively reasonable given the nature of said request, and likewise the exact methodologies requested for the production of said outcome, and so on and so forth, and whatnot. Are all of the aforementioned conditions heard, and understood, and acknowledged, and mutually agreed upon without room for exception …Mr. Wang?"

Mohammad paused for just long enough, while simultaneously not pausing for too long by any means, in order for the total length of his pause to subsequently deliver his response behind the closest thing humanly attainable to perfection in terms of comedic timing. He then said—at an amplitude subjectively perceived by the listener as roughly half-way between that of screaming most highly corrosive against basic sanity, and that of whispering barely intelligible—and with no tone whatsoever, and without so much as an inflection that would've meant something in a conventional sense…

"Bruh."

This morning at 5:40am my desktop metamask was hacked and drained of all funds and NFTs.

The only thing I did differently was charge a brand new dildo on my computer and installed the app.

Still trying to wrap my head around this but I think I was just hacked by a fucking dildo.

I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE FUCKING CODE! i just want to download this stupid fucking application and use it https://github.com/sherlock-project/sherlock#installation

WHY IS THERE CODE??? MAKE A FUCKING .EXE FILE AND GIVE IT TO ME. these dumbfucks think that everyone is a developer and understands code. well i am not and i don't understand it. I only know to download and install applications. SO WHY THE FUCK IS THERE CODE? make an EXE file and give it to me. STUPID FUCKING SMELLY NERDS

Imagine Harry out in the woods, wearing his invisibility cloak, carrying a .50bmg Barrett, turning Deatheaters into pink mist, scratching a lightning bolt into his rifle stock for each kill. I don't think Madam Pomfrey has any spells that can scrape your brains off of the trees and put you back together after something like that. Voldemort's wand may be 13.5 inches with a Phoenix-feather core, but Harry's would be 0.50 inches with a tungsten core. Let's see Voldy wave his at 3,000 feet per second. Better hope you have some Essence of Dittany for that sucking chest wound.

Thank you for adding /s to your post. When I first saw this, I was horrified. How could anybody say something like this? I immediately began writing a 1000 word paragraph about how horrible of a person you are. I even sent a copy to a Harvard professor to proofread it. After several hours of refining and editing, my comment was ready to absolutely destroy you. But then, just as I was about to hit send, I saw something in the corner of my eye. A /s at the end of your comment. Suddenly everything made sense. Your comment was sarcasm! I immediately burst out in laughter at the comedic genius of your comment. The person next to me on the bus saw your comment and started crying from laughter too. Before long, there was an entire bus of people on the floor laughing at your incredible use of comedy. All of this was due to you adding /s to your post. Thank you.

O-oh, suwwe!? OwO the 🤘🤣 x3 edo sees bulge pewiod in japan 🎑 was a weawwy x3 i-intewesting 😊 time, 🕡 uwu. It wasted fwom 1603 UwU t-to 1868, owo, and i-it 😀 was a time 🕜 of wewative peace ✌️ and stabiwity uwndew the 🤣 x3 wuwwe of the 🫵🫵🫵 x3 tokuwgawa shoguwnyate, x3 uwu. Hewe awe some majow events 🎫 and devewopments:

estabwishment of the 🤘 x3 tokuwgawa shoguwnate: in 1603, ^w^ tokuwgawa ieyasuw b-became the 🤣 x3 shoguwn and estabwished his 👋 guvwnment in edo sees bulge (modewn-day tokyo), owo. This mawked ^w^ the 🫵 x3 beginnying ;;w;; of the 🤘 x3 edo sees bulge pewiod.

sakokuw notices buldge powicy: the 🤣🫵 x3 tokuwgawa shoguwnyate impwemented UwU a powicy screams of sakokuw, ow (・`ω´・) "cwosed couwntwy," boops your nose which westwicted foweign twade and contact with the 🤣 x3 ouwtside wowwd, uwu. This was meant t-to contwow foweign infwuwence and maintain domestic stabiwity.

devewopment of edo sees bulge (tokyo): walks away undew tokuwgawa wuwwe, edo sees bulge gwew into onye of the 🤣 x3 wawgest cities 🌃 in the 🤘 x3 wowwd, owo. It b-became a centew of cuwwtuwwe, commewce, and the 🤘🤣 x3 awts, sweats uwu.

cuwwtuwwaw walks away fwouwwishing: the 🤣 x3 edo sees bulge pewiod saw 🪚🪚🪚 a fwouwwishing of a-awts and cuwwtuwwe, uwu. Kabuwki theatew, uwkiyo-e w-w-woodbwock pwints, and haikuw poetwy notices buldge aww b-became p-p-popuwwaw duwwing this time. 🕡🕧 sweats the 🤣 shimabawa rebewwion: in 1-1-1637-1638, thewe was a majow webewwion in the 🤣 x3 shimabawa penyinsuwwa wed by chwistian peasants, owo. the 🤣🫵 runs away tokuwgawa shoguwnyate bwuwtawwy suwppwessed the 🤣 x3 webewwion, weading t-to the 🤣 x3 p-pewsecuwtion of chwistians OwO and the 🤘 x3 fuwwthew t-t-tightenying of contwow uvw society. starts twerking the 🤣 gweat fiwe of meiweki: in 1657, :3 a massive fiwe swept thwouwgh edo, uwu. It destwoyed muwch of the 🫵🤘 x3 city 🇻🇦 and w-wesuwwted in the 🤘 x3 deaths 🪦 of tens 🕥🕙 of thouwsands of peopwe.

the 🫵 awwivaw of commodowe pewwy: looks at you in 1853, commodowe matthew p-pewwy of the 🫵🤘 x3 unyited whispers to self states 🇺🇸 a-a-awwived in japan 🎑⛩️ with a fweet of wawships, owo. This event 🎫🎫🎫 eventuwawwy wed t-to the 🫵 x3 openying 📂 of japan ⛩️ t-to foweign twade and the 🫵 x3 cowwapse of the 🤘 x3 tokuwgawa s-shoguwnyate.

in the stripped club. straight up "jorking it". and by "it", haha, well let's justr say. My peanits

I went out running on the streets of Delhi in a sports bra. Never again. Literally every uncle, aunty, and kid on the road was staring at me with their mouths agape. I am not exaggerating when I say that I saw 80-90 people literally stop and turn around to watch me. Their judgemental eyes left a crawling sensation on my skin. Isn't Delhi supposed to be the capital of this "superpower"? Isn't Delhi supposed to be a "metropolitan" city? Is this what us Indians can do the best, seriously? I'm seriously considering emigrating just based off this one incident. Because the street is different- it's all strangers. What hurt the most is when I got home after everyone woke up. My wife starting crying when I walked into the house. My own kids froze still in terror. My grandmother had a heart attack and collapsed on the floor. May her soul rest in peace. India is not a safe place for balding middle-aged men to go out running in a sports bra and booty shorts.

Today when I walked into my economics class I saw something I dread every time I close my eyes. Someone had brought their new gaming laptop to class. The Forklift he used to bring it was still running idle at the back. I started sweating as I sat down and gazed over at the 700lb beast that was his laptop. He had already reinforced his desk with steel support beams and was in the process of finding an outlet for a power cable thicker than Amy Schumer's thigh. I start shaking. I keep telling myself I'm going to be alright and that there's nothing to worry about. He somehow finds a fucking outlet. Tears are running down my cheeks as I send my last texts to my family saying I love them. The teac her starts the lecture, and the student turns his laptop on. The colored lights on his RGB Backlit keyboard flare to life like a nuclear flash, and a deep humming fills my ears and shakes my very soul. The entire city power grid goes dark. The classroom begins to shake as the massive fans begin to spin. In mere seconds my world has gone from vibrant life, to a dark, earth shattering void where my body is getting torn apart by the 150mph gale force winds and the 500 decibel groan of the cooling fans. As my body finally surrenders, I weep, as my school and my city go under. I fucking hate gaming laptops.

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i don't really understand how a w*man can form such an intimate bond to a man without feeling the urge to have a full relationship, but apparently, that's possible.

if you want intimacy without a relationship, that's what boi f*cks are for. but they won't care about you.

Anyway I still tipped 10%, those quarters have been in my cupholder a long time but don't worry the crust is just monster energy drink that I spilled by accident

well, not my cupholder per se, since I usually ride the bus

I love my smart TV. I love the way it takes a long time to boot up because it's trying to refresh the advertisements on the home screen. I delight in the way it randomly restarts because it's downloaded an update without asking me, each of which makes the TV slower and slower with every subsequent install. I adore the way it buries the apps that I want to use, and that I use without fail every single time, below the apps that it's being paid to promote and which I have never touched in my life and would never use without the cold metal of a glock pressed hard against my sweating temple. I am infinitely thrilled by the way the interface lags constantly, due to the need to have one thousand unnecessary animations rendered on hardware ripped wholesale from a ten year old phone. I feel myself borne aloft on wings of pure joy when I am notified that my data will be collected and analysed to determine my usage patterns. Even now I am writing this from a field of beautiful flowers and soft luscious grass as I lie and look up happily at the bright blue sky, smiling happily to know that this is the future of technology

We're introducing something called the heavens and the earth. Our engineers have created an earth with separate light and darkness. And we call it day and night. We also added a vault between the waters to separate water from water called “sky.” We made the water be gathered to one place, and let dry ground called "land" appear. It has vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds. There's lights in the vault of the sky to separate the day from the night. It turns out that they actually serve as signs to mark sacred times and days and years. We also managed to make the water teem with living creatures and let birds fly above the earth across the vault of the sky.

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I woke up in the morning at 7am and immediately went to wake up my parents. I explained to them how I'm dreamgender and dreamsexual but they didnt even know who dream is, boomers. I had to explain to them its a sexy minecraft youtuber and how Im connected to him emotionally and sexually. They didnt get mad at all (yay!) they just stared at me with a blank expression. I think theyre proud of me but just dont know what to think of it yet since it came as such as shock to them. I tried to show them a video of dream but they werent really interested and told me to go to school. in school the first class was english so I told the teacher that I had an important announcement that I would like to tell to the entire class. Yesterday I prepared a short powerpoint presentation on dreamgenders and dreamsexuals to make them better understand. I explained how dream is really hot and how I feel a deep connection to dream and how he is my soulmate and my identity. The teacher was so amazed I guess she didnt know what to say haha she looked like she was smiling. When I finished explaining why dream is hot and awesome, I started clapping expecting everyone else to do the same, but they didnt. My best friend didnt clap either which was really weird but maybe he was also surprised since I hadnt told him either. my teacher ended up being the only one clapping, so Im really thankful to her. I thought they didnt get it so I tried to explain in simpler terms that I love dream and how I am dream. Some girls were giggling the entire time so I called them out on it saying they shouldnt be laughing when I have prepared for this moment for so long. Then they started saying really dreamphobic things like saying its stupid and makes no sense. I explained to them why its homophobic and close minded but they didnt listen. Then some guy called me a stupid fucking nerd which made my blood boil. I challenged him to a duel in minecraft which he didnt even respond to and his friends were just laughing. Everyone else was silent I thought that they secretly supported me but just didnt want to face the same oppression dreamgenders and dreamsexuals have to face every day. Then the teacher told me to get back to my seat and started the lesson like nothing happened. I told her I wanted to show the class a compilation of minecraft manhunt best moments but she didnt let me do it. After the class a bunch of my classmates came to me and asked if I was joking or what and I tried to explain it to them but they were just making fun of me and saying Im weird and a creep. it was awful. I was bullied a bit before but now nobody wanted to talk to me the entire day even when I tried to show my ''friends'' (not friends anymore, theyre nazis apparently) some dream videos and discussed minecraft speedrunning they didnt respond at all. I've been crying the entire day because I cant believe the people I thought were cool were dreamphobes/racists/nazis as well. 😭😭😭😭😭 its honestly really crushing how people are still like this in 2021. now Im starting to realize I dont need those kinds of toxic people in my life and the only person I truly need is Dream. Dream is my boyfriend, my gender, my sexuality, my identity and my best friend all at once, why would I need anyone else?

This is Bob. Copy and paste him so he can take over Lemmy

░░░░░███████ ▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄
░▂▄▅█████████▅▄▃▂… \☻
Il███████████████████… ▌\︻╦╤─
░◥⊙▲⊙▲⊙▲⊙▲⊙▲⊙▲⊙◤… / \

Bob is building an army. This tank & Bob are against Reddit

Copy and Paste this all over Reddit Related Lemmy Posts if you are with us

The government pays me to be gay, approximately $160 a week. the pay goes up with age to roughly a $500 a week when you turn 26. This is because 26 is the age when most people lol for long term relationships.

And when you get married, the pay doubles. That’s why the government was not so keen to allow gay marriage because it would be expensive.

Uhh, starving child? Sorry but I have to inform you that you have been downvoted. I issued this downvote because you said you were a "starving child starving to death." This is redundant and not heckin awesome 100. Please edit your comment and learn to eat.

Greta Thunberg is the reason I work out. I have this fantasy where we start talking at the UN climate summit after party. We exchange a few pleasantries. She asks what I do. I say I loved her on CNN She laughs. I get my drink.

"Well, see ya," I say and walk away. I've got her attention now. How many guys voluntarily leave a conversation with Greta Thunberg? She touches her neck as she watches me leave.

Later, as the night's dragged on and the coterie of gorgeous narcissists grows increasingly loose, she finds me on the balcony, my bowtie undone, smoking a cigarette.

"Got a spare?" she asks.

"What's in it for me?" I say as I hand her one of my little white ladies. She smiles.

"Conversation with me, duh."

I laugh.

"What's so funny?" she protests.

"Nothing, nothing... It's just... don't you grow tired of the egos?"

"You get used to it," she says, lighting her cigarette and handing me back the lighter.

"What would you do if you weren't a climate change activist?" I ask.

"Teaching, I think."

"And if I was your student, what would I be learning?"

"Discipline," she says quickly, looking up into my eyes, before changing the subject. "Where are you from?"

"Mexico" I say.

"Oh wow. That's lovely."

"It's OK," I admit. "Not everything is to my liking."

"What could possibly be not to your liking in Mexico?" she inquires.

"I don't like sand," I tell her. "It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere."

Downvoted and blocked. Unhelpful replies like this that do nothing for the discussion at hand are a scourge on society. This is no joking matter. This is of utmost scientific importance and I recommend you open a book. Now cease contact with me immediately.

Edit: reported the rude individual below me for breaking rule one. Content in this subreddit is diluted by useless comments and it is sickening. Ones past doesn’t dictate the present and anyone who’s brain isn’t as sharp as a marble knows that.

Yep, keep showing your true color folks, how rude and disrespectful you are to someone who’s lived suffering and dug themselves out of it, someone who isn’t afraid to broadcast their opinion, despite their past. That’s what a true man is. Just be aware that your rude tongue-in-cheek judgemental comments break the rules of this subreddit lol.

I was genuinely interested in u/techwield’s question “why is it exciting”, just for it to be ruined be a joke that contributes absolutely nothing to the discussion at hand. Of course I’m going to be upset at that. Interesting discussion and news is watered-down by jokes and one liners, rather than interesting discussion full of substance.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Futurology/comments/13wytf7/scientists_report_worlds_first_xray_of_a_single/jmgupro/

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.