view the rest of the comments
Ask Lemmy
A Fediverse community for open-ended, thought provoking questions
Rules: (interactive)
1) Be nice and; have fun
Doxxing, trolling, sealioning, racism, and toxicity are not welcomed in AskLemmy. Remember what your mother said: if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. In addition, the site-wide Lemmy.world terms of service also apply here. Please familiarize yourself with them
2) All posts must end with a '?'
This is sort of like Jeopardy. Please phrase all post titles in the form of a proper question ending with ?
3) No spam
Please do not flood the community with nonsense. Actual suspected spammers will be banned on site. No astroturfing.
4) NSFW is okay, within reason
Just remember to tag posts with either a content warning or a [NSFW] tag. Overtly sexual posts are not allowed, please direct them to either !asklemmyafterdark@lemmy.world or !asklemmynsfw@lemmynsfw.com.
NSFW comments should be restricted to posts tagged [NSFW].
5) This is not a support community.
It is not a place for 'how do I?', type questions.
If you have any questions regarding the site itself or would like to report a community, please direct them to Lemmy.world Support or email info@lemmy.world. For other questions check our partnered communities list, or use the search function.
6) No US Politics.
Please don't post about current US Politics. If you need to do this, try !politicaldiscussion@lemmy.world or !askusa@discuss.online
Reminder: The terms of service apply here too.
Partnered Communities:
Logo design credit goes to: tubbadu
Bit of a different take from many of the other comments.
Relationships don't have to be the way they are traditionally. You don't have to be monogamous. You can be in two relationships, one of which is romantic, one of which is a strong friendship with sexual aspects. It'd be under the polyamory umbrella. There's plenty of potential partners out there who are ok with or would even want this kind of a constellation.
The very important caveat though: even more so than in any other kind of close relationship, this requires a LOT of communication. You need to clarify with your best friend what kind of a relationship it is that you have. You don't have to label it, but you have to figure out together what you want from each other and what your boundaries are. The latter includes what kind of relationships you're ok with the other one having with someone else. Then, when you date someone else, you have to have the same conversations and be open about your other relationship(s). I'd be upfront about the latter, the former can happen over time.
If none of this sounds like something you'd want, that's of course perfectly valid. The point stands though that you need to clarify with each other what you want from your relationship and what your boundaries and needs are. This might mean having to change your relationship dynamic.
Some context: my best friend and I are super close and find each other sexually attractive, but aren't romantically interested in each other. We've talked about that and keep checking in. We've done some second base things and cuddled. I now have a partner that's decidedly monogamous. Now, I might still lightly cuddle with my best friend, but we wouldn't kiss anymore. Those are all boundaries that had to be talked through.
That's not something I was ever considering. I'm definitely monogamous, and attracted to the opposite gender yes. While I know I can still love my friend and have a romantic partner, I couldn't still share a bed or cuddle without feeling like it was cheating. We're going to have to create boundaries, it was hard for me to think about and will be difficult to implement but it's the right thing to do. Thanks for the response.
It's a good, important step that you know this about yourself. But yeah, for both of your long term happiness, as well as for your friendship, it'll be very important to talk about the kind of relationship you have. Even if it's super tough and mightn't have the outcome you'd like. But the resentment it would inevitably breed if you couldn't date because you don't know where you stand with your friend wouldn't be healthy for your friendship. Maybe it's easier to not do it all at once?
Either way, your situation sounds tough. Best of luck to the both of you!