Jokes

Heisenberg turns to the others and says, "clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?" Gödel replies, "We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke." Chomsky says, "Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong."

As he begins talking about the road systems, a loud sneeze can be heard from the audience. Stalin looks from his papers to the crowd, scanning the rows of heads before he yells "who was that? Who sneezed?"

The audience is stunned silent, each recoiling into their chairs and too afraid to say a word. Stalin turns to his guards and gives the order. "Execute everyone in the front row." The guards nod and a hail of gunfire hits the people sitting in the front row, killing them all dead. The people behind panic, but guards yell for them to remain seated.

"Now, I ask again. Who sneezed?"

Silence, perhaps a few quiet whimpers of fear. Stalin looks at the guards, and a second hail of gunfire hits the second row, killing every one of them in turn. The blood splatters across the seats, the aisles, and the faces of the people in the third row.

"Once more. Who sneezed?"

A man in the sixth row stands up, hunched over and quivering with fear, tears pouring from his eyes. "It was me, Comrade Stalin. I sneezed."

"Bless you. Now, about these roads..."

The bartender asks, «Какие темы должно продвигать это „Агентство интернет-исследований“»?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25. (Octal 31 equals Decimal 25).

The boss scoffs and says "give me one good reason that I should give you a raise!" Guy replies "I'll give you 3, because 3 different companies called me just the other day." "Wow, you really had 3 companies contacting you?" "Yeah, the mortgage company, the electric company, and the cable company... You've gotta give me a raise!"

The barman says "what can I get you, Mr President?"

They Ransomware.

Isaac Newton, Blaise Pascal, André Ampere, and James Joule are playing hide and seek.

Joule starts counting down from 100. The other scientists find hiding places, but Newton can't find anywhere to hide. So he draws a square on the ground (1 meter on each side) and stands in the middle.

Joule finishes the count, opens his eyes, and sees Newton. He yells "Aha, i see you, Newton!" to which Newton replies "No, you found a Newton over one square meter, which means you found Pascal..."

Somebody points at a woman and utters a horrified cry, “Look at her—what a shame, under her clothes, she is totally naked!”

A patrolling soldier from Jaruzelski’s Poland immediately after the military coup. At that time, military patrols had the right to shoot without warning at people walking on the streets after curfew (ten o’clock).

One of the two soldiers on patrol sees somebody in a hurry at ten minutes to ten and immediately shoots him. When his colleague asks him why he shot when it was only ten to ten, he answers: “I knew the fellow—he lived far from here and in any case would not be able to reach his home in ten minutes, so to simplify matters, I shot him now.”

Daddy was born in Manchester, Mummy in Bristol, and I in London; strange that the three of us should have met!

The sadist answers him with a malicious smile: “No, never ….”

Marx, Engels, and Lenin were each asked what they preferred, a wife or a mistress. Marx, whose attitude in intimate matters is well known to have been rather conservative, answered “A wife”; Engels, who knew how to enjoy life, answered, of course, “A mistress”; the surprise comes with Lenin, who answered “Both, wife and mistress!” Is he dedicated to a hidden pursuit of excessive sexual pleasures? No, since he quickly explains: “This way, you can tell your mistress that you’re with your wife, and your wife that you are about to visit your mistress …” “And what do you actually do?” “I go to a solitary place and learn, learn, and learn!”

Tudjman and his large family in a plane above Croatia. Aware of the rumors that a lot of Croats lead miserable, unhappy lives, while he and his cronies amass wealth, Tudjman says: “What if I were to throw a check for a million dollars out of the window, to make at least one Croat, who will catch it, happy?” His flattering wife says: “But Franjo, my dear, why don’t you throw out two checks for half a million each, and thus make two Croats happy?” His daughter adds: “Why not four checks for a quarter of a million each, and make four Croats happy?” and so on, until finally, his grandson —the proverbial innocent youth who unknowingly blurts out the truth—says: “But Grandpa, why don’t you simply throw yourself out of the window, and thus make all the Croats happy?”

A listener asks Radio Erevan: “Did Rabinovitch win a new car in the state lottery?” Radio Erevan replies: “In principle, yes—he did. Only it was not a car but a bicycle, it was not new but old, and he did not win it, it was stolen from him!”

A German worker gets a job in Siberia; aware of how all mail will be read by censors, he tells his friends: “Let’s establish a code: if a letter you will get from me is written in ordinary blue ink, it is true; if it is written in red ink, it is false.” After a month, his friends get the first letter, written in blue ink: “Everything is wonderful here: stores are full, food is abundant, apartments are large and properly heated, movie theaters show films from the West, there are many beautiful girls ready for an affair—the only thing unavailable is red ink.”

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite donkey Bessie into the... "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'".

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Police officer on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the motorway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Policeman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the officer came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."

He said, "Your donkey was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

New York is the exact opposite of Minnesota. New York is where the Big Apple is and Minnesota is where

I can lay infront of the fire for an evening in 8 minutes.

will there be money in communism or not? The Leftist Trotskytes claim there will be no money since money is only needed in societies with private ownership, while the Rightist partisans of Bukharin claim that of course there will be money in communism since every complex society needs money to regulate the exchange or products. When, finally, Comrade Stalin intervenes, he rejects both the Leftist and the Rightist deviations, claiming that the truth is a higher dialectical synthesis of the opposites. When other Politburo members ask him how this synthesis will look, Stalin calmly answers: “There will be money and there will not be money. Some will have money and others will not have it.”

to which the host snapped back: “I also do not believe in it; I have it there because I was told that it works even if one does not believe in it!”