Jokes

but I wasn't having Nunavut.

Unfortunately, the airport and the upcoming holiday are far too exciting for the child, and he just can't stay still. Every few minutes, the father is chasing down his son and trying to keep him in line. Eventually, he tells his son that, if he doesn't reign it in, he'll have no choice but to put the son in a suitcase and put him on the plane as baggage.

It doesn't work. The son is still running around without a care in the world.

So the father steps it up a bit. He takes his son to the baggage check in area and tells them "My son is being naughty, so I'll need you to put him in a suitcase and check him in as baggage." He hopes this will scare his son into behaving.

The check-in worker looks confused, and just shakes their head. "I'm sorry, sir. We can't put your son in a suitcase and check him in as baggage. You'll need to being him on the plane with you."

The dad tries to keep the lie going, in case it works. "You mean, I'll have to carry-on my wayward son?"

The horse was too sad to jump, too sad to sprint, too sad to do much of anything besides eat and neigh forlornly. There wasn't even anything that happened. The horse was just... Sad.

But the owner refused to give up on his horse. He bought fancy horse brushes, salt blocks, comfortable bridles and anything else he could think of. He cleaned the stables thoroughly. He made sure the horse's paddock was open and the horse would run and frollick as much as he wanted. He even bought a large set of drums the horse might be able to play. But nothing worked.

One day, the owner purchased a large barrel of beer from a local brewery, complete with its own bar and grill. He brought the barrel to the horse and, as the horse started to drink, he could see how much the horse loved it. The horse drank until it could barely canter, leaning against the walls of its paddock with a dumb smile on its face. It wasn't ideal, but the horse was happy.

Every week, the owner would purchase a large barrel of beer, bring it to the horse, and watch him drink it all. The horse would forget his worries, and the owner would feel at least a little accomplished.

Then, one week, as the owner was buying a barrel, there was an accident. A dozen barrels fell from the shelf, crushing the owner to death. Law suits were filed, and the brewery has to cease production. The horse mourned the loss of the beer, but more than that, he mourned his owner. This man had done everything to make the horse happy. As much as the grief stung his horsey heart, he couldn't let his efforts be in vain. He swore, no matter what, he would find a new way to be happy.

So he took up those drums from a few paragraphs ago and began to play. He played and played until his shoes were worn down, trying to let out his exasperations with the world. He got better as he went, and the sound caught the attention of a talent scout.

When the talent scout saw that the amazing playing was done by a horse, of all things, he couldn't believe his luck. He immediately signed the horse into a contract, putting him in a band with a guitar playing goat and a chicken who could play the keyboard. The horse might have hesitated a few months ago, but after all his owner did, he refused to turn this down.

These shows were electric. People came to see the novelty of a band made of animals, but their music was raw expression no human could come up with alone. They were beloved. And the goat, chicken and horse all became friends. True friends, bonded by their shared talents and experiences.

All this fell apart when their limosine was struck by a truck on the motorway. The horse was safely in his horse box, far from the crash, but both the goat and the chicken were dead. He couldn't bring himself to even look at his drums, unable to play with his barnyard friends ever again. Once again, the horse had lost everything.

But as the horse strolled back to his old stables, he noticed the bar and grill. The same one that took his owner from him, now under new management. The same place that, so long ago, his owner had found the first thing to alleviate the misery. And, maybe, it could do it again.

To make a long story short, the horse walks into the bar, and the barman asks "why the long face?"

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "why the long face?"

At least, that's what my friend said on the 12th of August 2017 at 2:23 PM while we were shopping for tomatoes, garlic and milk.

As they go inside, God himself appears and says "my child, you have lived your life seeking answers, as misguided as your searching has been. Worry not. You are safe here, and I am ready to answer any questions you might have with perfect, absolute truth."

"I understand. I suppose I have one question that sits in my mind the most, and would bring me the greatest relief to finally hear the answer. My lord... Is the earth flat?"

God shakes his head. "No, it is not flat. It is a globe."

"Holy shit, they got you too? How high does this thing go?!"

If they go back in time and meet themselves, it would create a pair of dachshunds

…in a forest when they come across an old abandoned barn. They quickly run inside, with maybe seconds to spare before their pursuers catch up to the group.

Thinking quickly on their feet, one of them hops in an old potato sack. “Follow my lead!” The other two immediately grab their own bags and hide.

Moments later, the cops burst through the doors and begin looking for clues. One of them sees the pile of potato sacks and motions for one of the other officers. “I think I’ve got something.”

He kicks the first bag.

WOOF WOOF

“Oh. Weird. Just a dog.” They see another bag nearby and kick it as well.

REEEER

“Nah. Just a cat.”

They come across the final bag, about to give up and move on with their search, when they give it one last kick.

POTATOES

edit: fixed weird wording

A man wakes up with a hangover after a night of drinking. He doesn't even remember how he got home, and is worried that his wife will be mad.

The first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3AM, drunk out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm a married man!'"

...and asks the bartender for the WiFi password.

The bartender replies, "you need to buy a beer first."

So the guy buys a beer, and asks again, "what's the WiFi password?"

The bartender replies, "you need to buy a beer first, all lowercase, no spaces or punctuation"

He asks the nurse: "Where am I?"

"Washington DC," the nurse replies.

"And the trade war with Canada?"

"We won that years ago."

Elated, he asks, "And how much does a carton of eggs cost?"

"Just one toonie eh?"

It's privately owned.

He picks it up, takes one look at the front page, sighs, and puts the paper back down.

He does this day after day, never looking at anything but the front page before putting it down. Eventually, the news vendor decides to ask "excuse me, why do you buy the newspaper every day, then just put it down?"

"Well, I only bought it to check the obituaries."

"But you only check the front page. They don't put obituaries on the front page."

"They will for the guy I'm looking for."

He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bartender wants the money up front but the hippie doesn't have any. So the guy next to him offers to buy, and they start talking and drinking and drinking and talking.

After a while the guy says to the hippie, "come with me to the bathroom and I'll give you a blow job."

Suddenly the hippie jumps off his stool, pushes the guy down, and starts kicking the shit out of the guy.

A couple of other patrons grab the hippie and say "what did he say to piss you off so much?"

The hippie says "I don't know, something about a job"

One of them knows how to read, one of them knows how to write, and one of them keeps an eye on those two intellectuals.

Clowns have to go to college.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

A man is sitting on a bench in the hallway, waiting to be called to give testimony, when a judge passes by. The judge is in a fit of chuckles, even wiping a tear from his eye.

"Comrade judge, is something funny?"

"Oh, I just heard the funniest joke. I keep playing it in my head and it keeps making me laugh."

"That good? Do you mind telling it to me?"

"I can't. I just gave someone 20 years for it."

The Spitfire

You've just been kidnapped by, bear with me, an intelligent animal who can read your social media posts and, bear with me, your only way to ask for help is by leaving subtle messages within your post, BEAR WITH ME.

Pig Latin

I called a local repair shop, where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me I might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his honesty, I asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“It’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

And, crowded as it was I had to stand very close to this beautiful young woman. Bouncing and jarring into each other as the train moved all I could think is... please don't get a boner, please don't get a boner.

But she did.

So, like, if you stand in a gas giant, do you fall or can you stand on top if it even though it's gas?

The real question i mean to ask is:

If you stand in ur anus, do you just fall in?