Jokes

A man wakes up with a hangover after a night of drinking. He doesn't even remember how he got home, and is worried that his wife will be mad.

The first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3AM, drunk out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm a married man!'"

...and asks the bartender for the WiFi password.

The bartender replies, "you need to buy a beer first."

So the guy buys a beer, and asks again, "what's the WiFi password?"

The bartender replies, "you need to buy a beer first, all lowercase, no spaces or punctuation"

He asks the nurse: "Where am I?"

"Washington DC," the nurse replies.

"And the trade war with Canada?"

"We won that years ago."

Elated, he asks, "And how much does a carton of eggs cost?"

"Just one toonie eh?"

It's privately owned.

He picks it up, takes one look at the front page, sighs, and puts the paper back down.

He does this day after day, never looking at anything but the front page before putting it down. Eventually, the news vendor decides to ask "excuse me, why do you buy the newspaper every day, then just put it down?"

"Well, I only bought it to check the obituaries."

"But you only check the front page. They don't put obituaries on the front page."

"They will for the guy I'm looking for."

He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bartender wants the money up front but the hippie doesn't have any. So the guy next to him offers to buy, and they start talking and drinking and drinking and talking.

After a while the guy says to the hippie, "come with me to the bathroom and I'll give you a blow job."

Suddenly the hippie jumps off his stool, pushes the guy down, and starts kicking the shit out of the guy.

A couple of other patrons grab the hippie and say "what did he say to piss you off so much?"

The hippie says "I don't know, something about a job"

One of them knows how to read, one of them knows how to write, and one of them keeps an eye on those two intellectuals.

Clowns have to go to college.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

A man is sitting on a bench in the hallway, waiting to be called to give testimony, when a judge passes by. The judge is in a fit of chuckles, even wiping a tear from his eye.

"Comrade judge, is something funny?"

"Oh, I just heard the funniest joke. I keep playing it in my head and it keeps making me laugh."

"That good? Do you mind telling it to me?"

"I can't. I just gave someone 20 years for it."

The Spitfire

You've just been kidnapped by, bear with me, an intelligent animal who can read your social media posts and, bear with me, your only way to ask for help is by leaving subtle messages within your post, BEAR WITH ME.

Pig Latin

I called a local repair shop, where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me I might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his honesty, I asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“It’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

And, crowded as it was I had to stand very close to this beautiful young woman. Bouncing and jarring into each other as the train moved all I could think is... please don't get a boner, please don't get a boner.

But she did.

So, like, if you stand in a gas giant, do you fall or can you stand on top if it even though it's gas?

The real question i mean to ask is:

If you stand in ur anus, do you just fall in?

When he gets a day pass to visit Earth, he goes into a bar in Moscow, orders a vodka and insistently asks if Crimea, Donbas, Kyiv and the whole Ukraine are still "ours." Reassured by the bartender's affirmative answers, he asks for the check. "Five euros," the waiter replies.

There's a lot of fun jokes here.

That's an offer that's hard to turn down, or at least to look into a little. And the sign is right by the house with the dog sat on the porch, so it's easy enough to check out.

"So, you can talk, huh?"

"Yep" says the dog.

The man is surprised and impressed. "How did you learn to talk?"

"Oh, I was part of a government program run by the CIA to create a new genus of super dog, genius level intellect and top quality skills. I was the only one of the litter who could talk, so they fast tracked me up to being an agent. They taught me how to use a gun with my mouth, how to drive with my paws, how to diffuse a bomb with my tail, and even how to parachute into hostile territory. Apparently, thanks to the genius genes, I learned even faster than the human agents, and I was sent to Russia as a spy within a month.

"I had an amazing time chatting up the local pooches, begging diplomats for treats, and feeding top secret info back to the states. My work even helped delay the war on Ukraine by 2 years, but I blew my cover when I called Putin a jerk straight to his face. He sent his top guys after me, and I had to flee through the city. Jumped onto a train through Serbia and swam across the Bering Strait into Alaska.

"Unfortunately, Putin sent an assassin after me as I was moving through Canada, and he caught my dominant paw. I had to take the guy out with one of my ears, but I managed to survive, and my wounds healed really well. Now I'm retired, so I decided to keep this town safe."

"Holy crap" says the man, transfixed. When the dog's owner comes out, he looks up at the guy and asks "Why the heck are you selling him for only $5?"

"Cause he's a frickin liar! He's never spent a day outside of Utah!"

Because they're hill areas.

He can't grasp the concept of consent.

His first swindle was trading blankets to the Cherokee nation

Because Kelly achieved the rank of Captain, and Harris's platform is no cap.

He uses an abacus to cook his books

He goes to Epstein Island for bird watching

He uses an AOL email address to sell top secret documents to terrorist states.