The one thing my therapists never understood was just how much more draining it was to have to put those contingency plans into action every day and then getting blamed for that too, so it's literally just worst case scenario every day all the way down.

So there I am in the catastrophic mode of thinking, actually feeling secure for once. And now I'm supposed to turn into an optimist? I tried. I tried because it was what I was supposed to do. And wouldn't you know it? It all blew up again.

So yeah I guess the message here is if a therapist is reading this, ask yourself what's worse? The bad thing happening with no plan, or the bad thing with a plan? Because the good thing isn't a choice. It never was in my life. It was always an illusion that gets ripped away the second you depend on it.